The walls seemed to swallow her words. They gave back silence. So did Gareth, and it filled the room for a few moments.
“Then you regret it?” he asked, vicar’s son to the end.
Olivia closed her eyes. She could say yes. She wouldn’t be lying, precisely. And then Gareth would see her as a victim. He’d switch from suspicion to sympathy, and everything would be so much easier than it had been.
She opened her eyes and met his. “I don’t know,” Olivia said.
Gareth blinked. “You don’t know?”
“I don’t. I can’t. If Tommy had lived, if there’d been another way, if I’d gone to my family…I’d have been more comfortable and less desperate, and I wouldn’t have been lying to people. Yes. But I wouldn’t have ended up here either. I wouldn’t know anything but the normal world and the surface of things. I wouldn’t have met…people whose company I value.” She drew a breath and continued, before Gareth could read much into that last statement. “And yes, the lying did bother me somewhat. But, Gareth”—she spread her hands, palms up and open, in a gesture that begged him to see—“lies were what most of them wanted.”
Gareth shook his head quickly, an instinctive denial. “I can’t believe that.”
“Can’t you?” Olivia asked. “Truly? With everything you’ve seen of the world?”
He was silent. She pressed the advantage, such as it was. “I never played some of the nastier tricks. I never made anyone think their money was cursed, or they needed to put me up with them to keep evil spirits away. Nothing like that.” Olivia watched Gareth’s face as carefully as she’d ever examined of any audience member. He was listening. “Most of the time, I gave shows,” she said. “People came to me because they had the evening off, or a spare pound, and they wanted a little otherworldly flavor to their entertainment. Most of them didn’t care whether I was real or not, only that I was a bit of a change from the music hall.”
“I suppose some didn’t,” said Gareth. He frowned, but not at her—not until a few seconds later, when he asked, “What about the others? The ones who were honestly grieving or troubled? I think you must have attracted some, and I cannot think they came only after you learned real magic.”
“No,” Olivia said quietly, remembering aged faces drawn in lines of grief, and weeping women no older than she’d been. “But they didn’t want the truth either. Not really. They wanted to know the ones they loved were at peace. Mostly, they wanted a chance to say good-bye, to say the things they were never able to tell the living.”
Gareth nodded once. “And?” he asked.
“And their loved ones were at peace,” Olivia said. “Most of the dead are. Most of them also know what’s in the hearts of the living, particularly anyone they were close to. The people who came to me wanted comfort. I gave them that.”
“You gave them an illusion,” Gareth said. His voice was flat.
“And you’ve never told a dying man he’d be all right?” Olivia had to take the shot. She could no more have passed it up than she could have refused Mr. Grenville’s offer of employment. All the same, she had no pleasure in seeing it connect.
“A dying man won’t be easy prey for the next fraud to come along.” Gareth’s eyes were dark, cold green. “And I very much doubt your…patrons’…comfort was ever the first thing on your mind.”
There it was, and here they were. The afternoon light was gray on the carpet. A soft, heavy weight settled on Olivia’s shoulders then quickly spread through her whole body. “No,” she said, and it took tangible effort to shape that one word, let alone the ones that followed. “No, I didn’t. I made my choices for myself alone. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Gareth said nothing.
Olivia swallowed past an unexpected tightness in her throat. She’d known this would happen. She’d been prepared. The pain would pass. “I have some work to do, I think,” she said. “Please excuse me.”
The doorknob was too large in her hand, but she got the door open before Gareth could come to assist her. There was that.
Chapter 37
“I don’t really remember anything,” said Rosemary Talbot.
Like Simon, she’d improved dramatically in health over the past two days. She was sitting by the window now, embroidery in her lap, and she had lost most of the horrible pallor she’d had when Gareth had first come to the house. There was color in her cheeks again and life in her eyes, although at the moment, her gaze was on her hands, and she was chewing uncertainly on her lower lip.
“Are you certain?” Gareth asked. “I give you my word I won’t think anything you say is too odd.”
“I think having as little memory as I do is quite odd enough,” Miss Rosemary said, sighing. “I had decided to invite the ladies from Englefield down for tea. I recall that, and I recall putting on my coat and hat to go up to the house.” She wrinkled her brow. “I think I remember walking up the road, but that’s…blurred. And after that, I’ve no memory at all, nothing until I woke up yesterday.”
Gareth nodded. Given Simon’s lack of clear memory, Miss Rosemary’s wasn’t completely surprising—simply unfortunate. He glanced around the parlor, trying to think of any questions that might lend additional clarity to the situation.
He wished Olivia had come along, but she was staying close to Englefield at the moment, adding her power to Simon’s defenses and discussing how the school might best provide a guardian to take Brother Jonathan’s place. Gareth had heard all of that from Simon. He hadn’t spoken to Olivia, except in passing, since their argument. He hadn’t thought it would do either of them any good.
Thinking certainly hadn’t. Gareth’s ideas simply wheeled and circled like carrion birds. She had been desperate. She’d had other resources. She had been young. She didn’t regret it. She had been scrupulous, after the fashion of her profession. Gareth cared about her. He didn’t, couldn’t, entirely trust her.
He could see no path forward.
Perhaps it had been better that she hadn’t come, logistics or not. Yet now that Gareth had walked through the crisp air to the village, now that he was sitting in the vicar’s neat house and sipping tea, he found it harder to resent Olivia’s past and easier to remember her way with people and her insights into matters Gareth had to admit he barely grasped.
And he’d thought of her instead of Simon. Perhaps that had just been his recognizing Miss Rosemary might talk more easily to another woman, but he didn’t think that was the case.
He picked a small china shepherdess up from a table then put it back down. “Physically,” he said, “you’re doing quite well, but I’m concerned about how little you remember.”
“So am I, Doctor,” she said.
“Do you have any memory”—Gareth pressed…very gently, and very careful not to seem as if he was too concerned about this particular detail—“of giving Mr. Grenville some flowers for his wife?”
“No,” said Miss Rosemary. “Though I’m glad to hear I did. It’s nice to know one behaved well, even when one doesn’t remember it.”
“Then I’m glad I could oblige you,” Gareth said and smiled at her, using his best bedside manner. In case they were wrong about timing, he asked, “Did you have a particular reason for inviting the ladies to tea when you did?”
Miss Rosemary blushed then, and looked down at her hands. “I confess it wasn’t entirely the pleasure of their company. I’ve a friend, you see, very nice girl, but her father’s come on hard times. She’s quite smart, and I’d been wondering…” She looked up at Gareth, bashful and hopeful at the same time.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” said Gareth. “I’m sure Mrs. Grenville would be glad to discuss it when you’re feeling more yourself.”
Simon had mentioned additional teachers. The students would need to learn science and history and French, as well as more esoteric things. And while the three of them and Olivia did a decent job filling in the gaps, it would have been nice to have someone devoted to more normal subjects.
“It’s a…rather unusual place,” he added. “She’d have to be a fairly open-minded girl.”
“Oh, she is, or I wouldn’t have thought of asking.” Her father’s a great admirer of Mr. Ruskin.”
No guarantee that the prospective addition wouldn’t run screaming when she caught a glimpse of Mrs. Grenville’s classes, or Olivia’s. All the same it couldn’t hurt to discuss it.
“I’m glad to hear it,” he said, “and I’ll let Mrs. Grenville know. Meanwhile, I want you to take care of yourself.”
“I’m very good at that,” said Miss Rosemary. “I promise. Oh, hello!”
Her last statement wasn’t directed to Gareth, but rather to a small shape that wound its way in through the swinging door. Looking closer, Gareth saw the gray-and-white cat that had run away from the house when he and Olivia had approached before.
“Hello, puss,” he said genially. Army life had taught him to like cats, both for the company and because the alternatives were worse.
This particular cat, Gareth saw, was not looking terribly healthy. It moved toward a saucer of milk in the corner, but much more slowly and unsteadily than Gareth would have expected, and he could practically count its ribs through its fur. Something had taken a bite out of its right ear too. “Poor old fellow.”
“Yes, isn’t he?” Miss Rosemary sighed. “Between me and him, Elizabeth and Papa have had far too much to worry about over the last few days. We’ll have to shoulder more of a load in the future to make it up, won’t we, Shadow?”
“He’s been in a bad way too, hmm?”
“In a fight, we think, or maybe hit by a cart and stunned. Fred Gordon, one of old Mr. Gordon’s nephews, brought him back a little while after I woke up. Said he’d found him by the side of the road. Poor thing. Though really, he’s been very lucky for a runaway. Papa would say something about the wages of sin, I think.”
She laughed, and Gareth laughed with her. He gave a few last instructions before he left, and gave Shadow a scratch behind the ears, which the cat grudgingly permitted.
He felt good, Gareth realized on the way back. He had many things to worry about, yes, but walking through the village, he didn’t feel them dragging at him the way they had back at Englefield.
Perspective did amazing things. Perspective, fresh air, and a good walk…and the chance to talk with the Talbots, who reminded him of home. They were generous people too, with Miss Rosemary stepping forward for her friend like that.
Her friend was lucky. Some girls weren’t.
Gareth saw Olivia’s face in his mind, and the way her eyes had blazed when she’d spoken of the past. Of course he’d known about poverty. His father had seen families in need often enough, and his mother and sister had made up baskets for poor families. But he’d never really thought about the forms it took in the city or for a woman on her own.
Not that it was any excuse. Not when she didn’t even regret it.
Stones crunched and clicked beneath Gareth’s boots, and something in the sound suggested his own voice, lecturing: There will be times when you make the wrong decision. There will be times when there’s no right decision.
That was different. It had to be. Going forward with the best information one had, making the best choice possible. No, one shouldn’t regret that, however it turned out. However, choosing to base a life on lies…that was another matter.
The world based too much on lies as it was. He’d had quite enough experience to know that.
A sardonic voice in the back of his head spoke up: You’re blaming her for Egypt, then? The thought went through Gareth with a jar, as if he’d missed a step and landed hard on both feet.
Of course he wasn’t blaming Olivia for Egypt. Of course he was just being guided by general principles. It was a matter of honor, of character…
Quite so, said the voice, which Gareth wished he could believe was a demon or a spirit or anything other than his conscience. And you’d have been just as doubtful of her character if she hadn’t been the woman you’d seen before you shipped out. Naturally.
He had no answer. That didn’t mean he was wrong.
But, he might do well to talk with Olivia again when he had a moment, and he thought it might be better to do so outside. It was harder to be angry at her there.
He wasn’t sure that was a good thing. But…
Olivia could have told him she was sorry. She could have probably made him believe it. And she hadn’t.
Chapter 38
Mrs. Grenville wrote as if the paper had personally offended her. Every stroke of the pen was a slash, every dot a thrust. Olivia, sitting across from her in the drawing room, kept her eyes on her own research for as long as she could, but eventually couldn’t concentrate anymore.
Not that concentration had been easy to begin with. Olivia’s night had been restless, full of dreams about scurrying, shadowy things like cockroaches, and she’d woken just as tired and out of sorts as she’d been the day before. More so, because now she had Gareth’s predictable idiocy to remember. Intellectually, she hadn’t been surprised. She’d known what to expect.
She still wanted to slap him.
The situation with the demon was affecting her, she knew, just as it was affecting the whole household. Mr. Grenville had been curt and weary, the servants had gone about in poker-faced silence, and her lesson that day had absolutely lacked energy.
And Joan was clearly taking something out on the paper.
“Upsetting information, I take it?” Olivia asked, keeping all but a slight edge out of her voice with a significant exercise of will.
Joan looked up, eyes narrow. “Stories I’d heard in London. Names. Places. That kind of thing.” She didn’t go back to writing. “Figured I might as well do something with myself.”
“It could be useful,” said Olivia.
“Could be. Right now, it’s just cataloguing how inventive people can be.” Joan nearly spat the word. “You never know what they’ll come up with next.”
Olivia lifted her eyebrows. “Like teaching magic to children?”
“Someone’s going to teach them. Some of them don’t need teaching to be dangerous. At least we’re—” Joan bit off the stream of heated words and took a long breath. “Yeah.”
“You shouldn’t draw too many conclusions from what you’re reading,” Olivia said. “You’re seeing only one side of people there, remember.”
Joan sighed. “Yeah. It’s just…I don’t get it—what they do.”
“Meaning no offense,” Olivia said, “but you never seemed very sheltered.”
“No,” Joan said. “It’s not what they do. It’s that they do it here. And they don’t need to. Desperation, sure. Even fun I can sort of see. Some people are sick bastards. I understand that. But the people I heard about, just about all of them can keep themselves comfortable in other ways. They’ve got plenty of food, nobody’s attacking them, and they’re willing to shed blood for the Outsiders, for demons, in your terms, so they can make a few more pounds. Be a little better looking than the next man. Be in charge, as if that was ever anyone’s sane idea of a good time. It’s goddamn stupid, is what it is.”
Rain crawled down the window by Olivia. She watched it for a moment, seeing the misty green expanse of Englefield’s lawns stretching away, gray-green under gray skies. Her irritation faded away, but only weariness replaced it.
“I don’t know,” she said finally. “I think it’s easy to be desperate for something you don’t need, if everyone around you has it, or if they convince you you need it. Not that it’s an excuse. But if you ask ten men what the necessities of life are, you’ll probably get eight different answers.”
Joan nodded. “We adjust. For good or bad. That makes sense. But”—another gesture to the notebook—“going this far—”
“I don’t think it happens all at once.” Olivia didn’t realize she was interrupting until she’d spoken, and then she froze for a second, prepared for sharp words. They didn’t come. Joan simply s
at and listened. Olivia went on. “I don’t…I’ve never encountered these people. I can’t speak with any sort of certainty. But I would imagine it starts with small compromises. Nothing that requires blood sacrifices or binding promises. Nothing that kills or enslaves, just a spell to make young women find you more attractive, perhaps, or a mild jinx on your enemy.”
“You wouldn’t see anything wrong with it,” Joan agreed, but her upper lip curled in revulsion, as if she was looking at a slug. “Not here.”
“Not most places, I’d think,” Olivia said. “Even most of our stories don’t say there’s anything wrong with love potions or with a bit of mischief. And maybe there isn’t, always, except…except it’s easy to think you should have what you can get. It’s easy to start thinking you’re better than normal people, that normal rules don’t apply to you. Especially when you’re young. Look at Michael. Before he came here, he didn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t call down rainstorms to suit his convenience. Or, rather, he didn’t see any reason why he should think about other people’s convenience before doing so.”
Joan sighed and leaned back in her chair. “And there’s not much difference between thirteen and thirty sometimes. Especially not—” She paused and shook her head. “Not for people who’re used to getting their own way.”
“Or who aren’t and are angry about it. Or who are…tricked. I can’t explain the masters entirely, any more than you can, not what makes one man turn to evil and not another. But the men who follow them, some of them…I have to wonder whether some of them started out seeking something greater and realized their mistake only when they thought it was too late to turn back.”
Olivia felt the urge to apologize, though she didn’t know to whom. She tried to dismiss it. After all, she had never even dabbled in the darker magics or tried to seduce anyone else into doing so. But Gareth had said the men and women who believed her would be more open to other charlatans, less scrupulous ones, and she couldn’t discount that possibility. Now she considered, for the first time, the chance that she might have led a few in her audience into something real and quite sinister.
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