by M. Robinson
I stood, and he instantly rolled over onto his chest. Coughing up blood.
Breathing heavily, sweating profusely. Not hesitating for one second, I spit in his face. Grabbing the collar of his shirt, I ordered, “Look at me. Look me in the fuckin’ eyes like a man.”
He did, hardly able to open them. They were already swelling shut.
Glaring deep into his gaze, I spoke the truth we both knew. “You’re a piece of shit, a fuckin’ pussy! You always thought I was the one who was going to break her heart. Except, it wasn’t me, motherfucker.” Cocking my head to the side, I roared,
“It was you.”
Chapter 28
<>Jackson<>
Now: Twenty-five-years-old
“Fuck biology, she’s mine!”
She put her hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I know. Don’t for one second think I don’t know you’re her daddy, but please try to understand where I’m comin’ from for once. Her eyes, her hair, her smile ... it’s all Cash. It’s all I see when I look at her. Him. The boy who threw us away like we were nothin’ but trash to him.
“Fuck him! He’s nothing but a goddamn pussy!”
“It doesn’t change the fact he’s Bailey’s biological father. I told you that night on the beach, I can’t lie. I couldn’t do this. It’s breakin’ me. You didn’t care, you didn’t listen. Look at us, Jackson. Just look at us. This isn’t a family. We’re miserable. It’s not healthy. We’re slowly killin’ each other, and I can’t live like this anymore. It’s only a matter of time before Bailey sees it too. It’s going to kill her when she finally learns the truth. Do you really want that for her? We’re her parents. We’re supposed to protect her, and all we’re doing is setting her up to learn her life is a lie. A life that’s not real. With two parents who love each other, when they don’t.”
I stepped back, gaining some much needed distance between us. Scoffing out, “You know when you surprised me in the delivery room with naming her Bailey, I thought Jesus, please God ... let this be the moment she realizes she still loves me.”
“Jackson...” She started crying. “I want to, but you make it so hard. I want to move forward into the future, although I can’t. I’m stuck in the past. All these lies hold me hostage there. I can’t heal, you won’t let me.”
“You’ve pushed your feelings for me aside since day fuckin’ one, Harley. At first it was always a game between us, saying I loved you, that I was your lobster all those years in the shed of the MC clubhouse. We were a game from the beginnin’. Except it changed for me early on, and you didn’t see it. You didn’t want to. You’ve never been a prize to win for me. It’s always been your game, and to have you... All I’ve been doing is playing by your rules. We both know I’m always the winner.”
She was crying so deeply.
So utterly.
Consuming me with everything inside of her.
“You know me... I’m my father’s daughter. I’m a Jameson, and nobody fucks with our family. I’m stuck between my love, my loyalty to my cousin, and where I stand with you. I’m dyin’, strugglin’ to find my identity. Who I am inside. Overnight, you betrayed me in the worst way which led me to make the worst decision of my life. But at the same time it wasn’t ’cuz it gave us Bailey. Followed by the boy who has been my best friend since the day I was born threw me, us, away like we were nothin’ to him. No one. Then you completely sideswipe me by tellin’ our families it was yours. Which led to a shotgun weddin’ I had no idea about. Not to mention, for over three and a half years you’re makin’ me think you’re runnin’ around on me, and still you expect me to let you touch me ... be with me... You’ve never even told me you love me. Come on, Jackson. For once, can you see my side?”
I narrowed my eyes at her, contemplating what she was saying.
“How do you expect me to feel like your wife when you never even asked me to marry you? The first thing you told me on the beach that night was Bailey was your chance to have a family ’cuz you wouldn’t do that to your own child. Those goddamn results are sittin’ in your nightstand like a fuckin’ bomb about to go off. How can I not feel like you just wanted her and not me? You never let me think otherwise. You want to live life together, and we don’t know when your mind might take that away from us.”
“I know, Harley. I just...” I shrugged.
What could I say to that?
“Yes, you’ve taken care of us. Yes, you were there for me. Yes, you told me how you felt a month ago, but my head is still spinnin’ from years ago, and it’s just addin’ more confusion to my already overwhelmed mind. I have all these fears, and I don’t know how to make them go away. I can’t talk to anyone about it ’cuz all we’ve done is lie to them. I feel so alone in a room filled with people, and I can’t turn to you ’cuz you don’t see me the way I need you to.”
I jerked back, blown away by all her confessions.
“I know I’ve been hard on you, and I hate myself for it. Though it’s more about me hatin’ myself than you, Jackson. I made a baby in a night I don’t even remember with a man who should have been you. I hate that Bailey isn’t biologically yours, and I resent you for it. It’s such irrational thinkin’, I know that. It was my fuck up, yet I still blame you for leadin’ me there to begin with. I don’t know how to forgive you, love you ’cuz I don’t even know how to forgive and love myself. I’m my own worst enemy, and all I want is to be set free. Seein’ Cash last month fucked with me and just reminded me of everythin’ that’s wrong in my life. In our lives.”
I stepped toward her, stopping when we were inches apart. “Baby girl, I didn’t marry you just ’cuz you got pregnant. I didn’t marry you just ’cuz I wanted Bailey. I didn’t marry you for any other reason,” I rasped, needing to finally say it, “than I fuckin’ LOVE YOU!”
She loudly gasped. The sound echoed off the walls and into my heart.
“I love you so fuckin’ much it kills me, destroys me, makes me see nothing but red that you think otherwise. My biggest fear was saying it to you ’cuz I don’t know what the future holds for me. For us. I thought by not saying it, it might make it easier if I forgot you. That may not make sense to you, but I saw my father watch my mother take her last breath in his arms. He died with her until Camila came into our lives, and I didn’t want you to die with me too.”
“Jackson...”
“To hell with that, I wasn’t going to let fear stand in the way any longer. I’ve wanted to tell you since the Super Bowl, but we kept getting interrupted by bullshit. I was ready to say it to you in a room full of people, so the whole world would know how much I want you, need you, fuckin’ can’t live without you.”
Tears fell from her eyes in perfectly straight symmetrical lines down her gorgeous face.
“I’ve loved you since before we made love for the first time. Fuckin’ a, Gremlin... I think I was born lovin’ you. When we were kids, all I ever wanted was to make you cry. I’d wish for it every birthday. I’d asked Santa every year to make it happen. Every shooting star I saw from the roof of my house was for you to just shed one goddamn tear ’cuz of me. I hated you then, but, Harley Jameson, you’re about to find out how much ... I love you now.”
Zero fucks.
I gripped onto the back of her neck and slammed my lips onto hers.
Kissing her.
Loving her.
Fuckin’ devouring her.
She matched every beat, every moment, every feeling and emotion times ten. With my hands framing her face, I vowed, “I’m sorry I ever made you cry. I’m sorry for Shiloh. I’m sorry for Cash. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. I’m sorry for ever making you feel like I didn’t belong to you. I’m sorry for all the lies.” Leaning my forehead on hers. “Most of all, I’m so fuckin’ sorry it took me this long to tell you how much I love you. With my heart, with my soul, with every inch of my body. My heart beats only for you.”
Her chest rose and descended with each deep breath she took.
“I want to make
love to you. Claim you. Slow, steady, all night long.” Staring deep into her eyes, I saw the same intense gaze staring back at me. I kissed her again, slower, more delicate, softer, less frantic and desperate, with the same intensity and passion.
“But... I’m sorry, I can’t. Not until you come to me, begging for it. Telling me how much you love me too. We can’t go on like this, you’re right. And if letting you go is what you need, what you want, then for once in my life I can give that to you. Even though it’s the last thing I want to do.”
I let her go and left.
Leaving my life in her hands.
<>Harley<>
Now: Twenty-four years old
I can’t believe he said he loved me.
After all these years, all this time, he finally said the three words I’d been wanting to hear since the first time I told him he did at the MC clubhouse.
There I was, standing in the club lounge of the Bank of America Stadium, watching Jackson do what he did best.
Play football.
It was the first practice game of the season. He looked like a god out on that field. Sweat dripping off every inch of his muscular toned body.
“I want to make love to you. Claim you. Slow, steady, all night long.”
The last words he said to me played in my mind over and over again with no end in sight.
It was amazin’ what the truth could do. I needed to be set free, and it felt as if I had been. Tellin’ Jackson Pierce all that lived in my mind for so long...
What tormented me.
Kept me up at night.
Consumed my thoughts every second of the day.
Silenced my conscience, my guilt, my fears.
Makin’ me wish I’d confessed it to him long ago. Maybe a huge part of it could also be that he told me he loved me. I never thought I’d hear the words.
I waited and waited and waited.
Nothin’.
We’d both made mistakes. I didn’t know if we could move past them. So much had happened, and yet so much had stayed the same.
Our relationship needed to evolve, progress into a stable, healthy dynamic. Where we communicated in the right and proper ways. Where we listened to each other, respected one another, and saw eye to eye. No longer continuin’ our childish ways for our own selfish reasons.
The biggest questions of them all were...
Did I still love him?
Could I forgive him?
Could I love and forgive myself?
From the corner of my eye, Jackson once again caught my attention. With the football in his grasp, he was haulin’ ass down the field. Out of nowhere, this uneasy feelin’ came over me as if somethin’ bad was about to happen.
The sick feelin’ in my stomach intensified, and I found it hard to breathe. When all of a sudden, one of his teammates charged him below the waist. Hittin’ him as hard as he could. The momentum of Jackson’s runnin’ caused his body to tumble over the player.
“No!”
He did a three-sixty in the air, catapultin’ and landin’ right on his head when he hit the ground.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I could to him.
To my life on that field.
Dartin’ out the door, down the long, narrow hallway, takin’ three steps at a time tryin’ to get to him.
Faster and faster.
My adrenaline hammerin’ so fuckin’ hard, pantin’ to the point of pain. My lungs were on fire. I’d never run so fast in my life. Losin’ my footin’, I fell down the last four steps on the stairs. Hittin’ my head against the pavement.
Instantly, seein’ stars.
“Ah!” I screamed, pushin’ through the haze. Stumblin’ to get up, I continued on my way.
Every menacin’ thought crossed my mind. The silence was deafenin’ all around me, until I finally reached the field.
Jackson was still lyin’ on the ground.
His eyes shut.
Not movin’.
I felt my face pale. All the blood drained from my body, causin’ shivers to course through me. I shuddered, suddenly cold. My head poundin’ with intense pain. The hair on my arms stood on edge. Frantically tryin’ to ignore the nervous and fearful feelin’ settlin’ in my core, I focused on the task at hand.
Gettin’ to him.
My heart pounded so profusely I found it fuckin’ hard to breathe. My mind raced, and my chest heaved with each passin moment, escalatin’ with every step bringin’ me closer to him.
His coach, trainer, and team doctor were crouched down by his side. Clappin’ their hands in his face, tryin’ to get him to wake up.
“Jackson!” They clapped. “Wake up!”
Panic began to set in, and I could no longer control my thoughts from runnin’ wild. I anxiously tried to find my resolve though it was no use.
It was long gone.
It wasn’t until his teammates stopped me that I really lost my shit. They held me back and away from him.
“Get off me! Let me go!”
“Harley, calm down! Let them do their job!”
“Fuck you! I’m his wife!”
It was the first time I’d ever called myself that and meant it in every form possible. I was indeed his wife.
“Relax! You’re no good to him like this!”
Without hesitation, I did what came natural to me. I kneed him in the balls. He fell over, and I didn’t waver. I ran to my boy.
My bully.
My Jackson.
It was my knees that touched the field first as I skidded to him. Landin’ right at his side.
“Jackson! Wake up! You need to wake up!” Glarin’ at his coaches, I seethed, “Why isn’t he wakin’ up?”
“The ambulance is on the way,” his coach responded while the medic kept tryin’ to get Jackson to come to. Shinin’ a light in his eyes, wavin’ a smellin’ salt stick under his nose. A strong smell of ammonia assaulted my senses. “Harley, you’re bleedin’. Are you alright?”
I touched my forehead, seein’ blood on my fingers for the first time.
“I’m fine. He’s still not movin’!” I frantically gazed back and forth between them. “Why isn’t he wakin’ up?!” I scooted closer to his face. “Rudolph! You need to wake up! Please wake up! I can’t lose you! Bailey needs you! I need you! Wake up!”
In a matter of seconds, my life once again changed. Bile rose in my throat, fightin’ its way up. Tears streamed down my face.
“You can’t do this to me! You can’t fuckin’ do this to me!”
“Come on, Jackson!” his coach demanded. “Wake up!”
He didn’t.
He couldn’t.
For the first time in my life, I thought...
I’d really lost him.
Chapter 29
<>Harley<>
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Hmm...” I groaned, feelin’ a strong hand rubbin’ my head.
My eyes fluttered open, comin’ face-to-face with Jackson in his hospital bed.
Awake.
I must have fallen asleep with my head in his lap. Spendin’ the entire night there with him.
“Hey, baby girl.”
Seein’ him.
Hearin’ him.
Feelin’ him.
Really feelin’ him after all these years...
I burst into tears, huggin’ him closer to my body.
“Shhh... Gremlin, shhh... No cryin’. I’m okay. I’m here.”
I didn’t care if I might get into trouble. I didn’t care about anythin’ at that moment other than him. Crawlin’ up his body, I laid on top of him, wantin’ to mold us into one person. I wasn’t content until my arms were around his neck. Holdin’ onto him like a spider monkey.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The machines went crazy.
“Damn, I should get a concussion more often,” he chuckled, engulfin’ my small frame in his large one. Warmin’ me with his scent and heat.
I wept, “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”
Lightly, he touched my forehead. “What happened here?”
“I fell.”
“When?”
“Runnin’ to you.”
“You ran to me?”
“Yes.”
“You were there? At practice?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to watch you. I used to love watchin’ you play. I thought maybe if I saw you, it would bring that girl back. The one who loved you so much.”
“Harley, she never left.”
“I know that now. I didn’t know it then.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, no stitches. Just a bad scrape.”
“So we both have head injuries?”
“In more ways than one.”
He chuckled. “Did you miss me, Gremlin?”
I nodded.
“How much?”
“Big much.”
He smiled. “Where’s Bailey?”
“She’s with my parents.”
“Does she know?”
“No. We didn’t want to scare her. I was terrified enough for the both of us. Your dad has been in and out of this room all night. He said you were goin’ to be just fine, it was just a bad concussion. All your tests came back normal, but there was a lot of swellin’ in your brain,” I sniffled. “He told me you’d wake up and be a pain in my ass again, but I didn’t believe him.”
“He must have loved that.”
“You’re not allowed to play football anymore.”
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“Gremlin...”
“Don’t Gremlin me. I can’t go through this again.”
“I’ll be more careful.”
“Bullshit. You’ll do anythin’ to score a touchdown.”
“Harley, you know I can’t resign.”
“Why not? You could be a sports broadcaster. You’re cute enough.”
“Baby girl...”
“What if...” I hid my face in his neck. “I mean ... what if you moved somethin’ ... in your brain.”