Deepest Desire

by Weston Parker

  I moved back and wiped my hand down my face as I lifted my gun. "Shut the fuck up. I'm not going to hurt Grace. It's you who owes the money."

  Grace burst into the room, her eyes wide, tears streaking down her face. Cole appeared in the doorway behind her.

  "No! Erik. No!" She ran across the room and got on the floor in front of her brother, turning to face me and covering him as best as she could. "How dare you. You sorry bastard."

  "Rules are rules, Grace. I tried to leave." I shrugged, letting a coldness settle over me that I had after Delaney's death. "Move, or I'll shoot you both."

  "Erik," Cole warned and moved into the room with us.

  I nodded at Kane, and he moved from behind the door and hit Cole hard in the back of the head. The big lug fell over, hitting the floor loudly. "And stay the fuck down," Kane growled.

  "Your brother stole from my father. He owes twenty-thousand dollars. I'm here to collect. If he doesn't have it, then his life will do instead." I cocked my gun, and she cried out in fear.

  "Why are you doing this? It's me. Look at me." She patted her chest as she sobbed.

  My heart broke deep inside of my chest. "Move Grace. This bullet isn't meant for you."

  "I'll give you anything you want. I'll go with you. Let's go. Just don't hurt Thomas," she screamed at me, her emotions raping her.

  "Last chance, Grace. Move." I fired off a shot beside her, and she screamed. Thomas lay below her, crying like a fucking girl. I glanced over at Kane. "Meet me outside and make sure no one comes in. Got it?"

  He nodded, his eyes wide, his face pale. I must have looked like the demon my father raised me to be.

  "Erik. Baby. Look at me." Grace reached out, her hand shaking as Kane shut the door. "I know you don't love me the way I love you, but please. I'll get you the money. Just don't hurt my brother."

  "Do you know what's going to happen if I return to my father and Thomas is alive, but I don't have the money?" I tilted my head to the side, studying her, but not really seeing her. "Do you know what I've already suffered for you?"

  "Please. Please, Erik. See me. Please." She pulled her hand back and turned to cover her brother with her body.

  I wasn't sure what I expected. For her to choose me over Thomas? That was impossible. I'd put a hole in her head before I let her touch Delaney. My life didn't mean much without the possibility of her in it anymore. It had been so fucking lonely and dark before that, but now...

  The sound of her and Thomas crying followed me down the hall as I walked toward the front door. Kane was waiting by my bike, but I ignored him, got on it and drove toward my father's mansion.

  He wouldn't accept my reasoning, so there was no reason giving it.

  He wouldn't bend on requiring Thomas' life, but he'd have to send someone else. I loved the pretty girl splayed out across Thomas far too much to go through with it. I wasn't the hitman I thought I was. I wasn't anything.

  The guards moved back as I walked up to the house a few minutes later and numbly made my way to my father's office.

  He glanced up from writing something and stood. "Erik. What happened?"

  "I failed you. I failed me." I closed the door behind me and walked toward him, handing him my gun. I took a few steps back as he walked around the desk and pointed it at me.

  "Explain."

  "I love her, Dad. I can't take her brother's life, not even to save my own." I shrugged. "I'm sorry. I wish I were more of who you wanted me to be."

  He smiled. "You're exactly who I want you to be. You're just lost, but I'll help you find your way back."

  I let my head drop as he raised his hand. The pain that exploded across my face was numbed by the sweet darkness that pulled me under.

  For once in my shitty life, I'd made the right choice.

  The unselfish one.

  Chapter 24

  Two Weeks Later

  Grace

  "You okay?" Cole sat across from me at DeLuca, his expression kind.

  "No." I glanced down at my coffee and forced my feelings back deep inside of me. "I miss him so much. You're sure he's okay?"

  "Yeah. He got his ass beat pretty good, but Lucien loves him, Grace. It's just a different kind of relationship."

  She shook her head. "And you know this because your father was a monster that beat you too?"

  "No. I was an orphan growing up." He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "You know why Erik wanted you there that night, right?"

  "Tell me why." My hands shook, and the world seemed off, wrong.

  "He planned on killing Thomas as he was requested to, but he hoped that you'd watch and hate him because of it, truly sealing the deal between the two of you." He glanced down. "He didn't think he was in love with you, or at least not to the extent he was. He woke up that night."

  "How are you not furious with him?" I moved closer to the table. "He knocked you out. Used you to get me there."

  He smiled. "My little brother would have done the same shit for a woman he loves. Erik is no different."

  "Why are you wrapped up in them?"

  "Because I have a debt I can't pay, Grace. Lucien paid it off for me, but for that, I'm indebted to him."

  "What kind of debt?" I wanted to dig because not pushing forward in the conversation meant returning to our previous one - Erik.

  "Erik is going to be fine. He's a strong mother fucker. Scary as hell too. "He chuckled. "I can't tell you the number of times over the last two weeks I had to hold my own against him, and I thought I might shit myself."

  The smell of garlic wafted through the air, and I glanced back to see a small boy walking in with his family. He had a small pizza box in his hands. My stomach flipped upside down.

  "Oh shit. I'm going to be sick." I got up and ran full speed to the bathroom, barely making it before I hit my knee and lost my breakfast in the toilet.

  "Grace?" Jenna's voice calmed me a little. "You okay?"

  I groaned and threw up again as she moved up and held my hair back. I finally got myself together enough to sit back on my heels. She handed me a cup of water, and I glanced back to see Cole standing in the doorway.

  "I'm okay. Just ate something bad, I guess." I reached for Jenna and stood up.

  "Let me take you home." Cole reached for me, but I pulled back.

  "No. Please. I appreciate you being kind, but just take care of Erik for me? Let me know how he's doing and keep him safe? Please? I have no one who can help me with that." I brushed my hand across the back of my mouth and leaned against the wall. "Please?"

  "Alright. I'll be around if you need me." He lingered in the bathroom doorway a little longer and turned to leave.

  Jenna shut the door and put her hand on her hip. "What the fuck was that?"

  "Cole? Nothing. He's just a friend."

  "You barfing at the smell of garlic."

  I shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't felt good for weeks now. Maybe I picked up a bug."

  She reached out and pushed on one of my breasts.

  I screamed and swatted at her. "That hurt!"

  "Oh shit." She turned and opened the door. "I'm clocking out. We're going to the drug store."

  "What? Why? I have a family doctor. Let's just go see him."

  "Grace." She glanced back as we walked down the hallway. "When was the last time you had your period?"

  "I don't know. A little while ago." I stood by the door as she scurried off. My mind went crazy trying to calculate exactly when I had my last period. Six weeks before.

  "Six weeks!" I reached for her as horror rolled through me. "No. I can't be pregnant. You don't understand."

  "Outside." She moved us outside and wrapped her arm around my shoulders as she half-pulled me toward the drug store down the street. "It's going to be fine. I'm sure we're overreacting."

  I pressed on my breasts and cried out at the tenderness of both of them. "Oh my God. This is horrible. What am I going to do?"

  "We don't know anything yet. We'll get the test and go back
to my house. It's going to be fine. No freaking out until we know what we're dealing with. Okay?" She stopped in front of the store and stuck out her pinkie. "Pinkie swear."

  "We're in our twenties." I snorted and for a moment felt some semblance of normalcy.

  "Do it," she barked, looking more freaked out than I felt.

  I wrapped my finger around hers. "Fine, but you go buy it. I need fresh air."

  "Okay. Don't go anywhere." She gave me a stern look as if I was going to jump in the next windowless van that approached. She walked into the store, and I paced the sidewalk in front of it, going through the what ifs.

  What if I was pregnant? There was no way in hell I was telling Erik, and yet to raise a baby without him seemed so insanely fucked up. He didn't deserve my honesty or my affection. He'd forced Cole to bring me to my brother's execution.

  And he'd walked away without hurting Thomas.

  Tears burned my eyes as Jenna walked back out and pulled me into a tight hug.

  "Hey. It's okay."

  I pressed my face to her shoulder and cried while she held me. It wasn't okay. None of it was. I'd be devastated if I was pregnant and destroyed if I wasn't.

  A baby sounded like a horrible idea, and yet it sparked something inside of me. If Erik found out... he'd come back to me. No matter what it cost him.

  ***

  "Grace. You need to take it. Seriously. We have to know." Jenna followed me around her apartment with the pregnancy test in her hand.

  "I realize that, but give me some space. Shit. You don't know what it would mean if I found out I was pregnant."

  She moved in front of me. "And you're for sure it's Erik's?"

  "Yes. I've only slept with him." I turned away from her and walked back into the kitchen. "It's been weeks, but he was the last person, and the only person I opened my legs for."

  "Then take the test and let's find out." She stopped at the edge of the kitchen, and I turned and screamed at her.

  "Lay the fuck off!"

  She sat the test down, lifting both her hands and nodded. "Sorry." She walked out of the kitchen, leaving me standing there alone.

  "Jenna."

  The sound of the front door closing caused my heart to ache. I shouldn't have yelled at her. Another door closed, I grabbed the pregnancy test and poked my head in the living room.

  "Um... what's going on?" Nate walked in and gave me a curious look.

  "Have you seen Erik lately?" I moved to stand in front of him.

  "I saw him today. He's doing better." He glanced down at the test as his eye widened. "Is that for you or Jenna?"

  Jenna's voice lifted from the hallway. "Me." She walked toward me and snatched it from my hands. "Alright. I'll take the fucking thing."

  "Jenna. Stop." I let out a long sigh and turned back to Nate. "It's for me. My period is six weeks late."

  "Oh thank God." He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh of relief before looking over at Jenna and apologizing. "I didn't mean it like that, baby."

  "It's fine." She reached up and ran her hand over the top of her head. "Grace doesn't want to take the test."

  Nate reached out and rubbed my shoulder. "Then don't take it." He winked at me and walked toward the kitchen. "Besides... what's she going to do if it's positive? It's not like Erik has the chance of coming back into her life. She chose Thomas over him."

  My heart stopped in my chest. "Wait. What?"

  "Don't listen to him." Jenna shook her head and walked toward the kitchen. "Hey, insensitive. Watch what you say."

  Nate glanced back as I followed Jenna to the kitchen. "What? She did."

  "He was going to murder my brother." I put my hands on my hips. "And he expected me to just stand by and let that happen? Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

  "No. He's not an idiot, Grace, but you chose your life over his. You knew he would have to go back and take the hell his father reigned on him because of him choosing you over his father." He turned to face me, and I realized something. He was angry with me. He blamed me for whatever Erik was going through.

  I turned without a word and walked to the door. Jenna had given me a lift over, but I didn't need one back home. The early evening air would feel good against my skin. The sound of Jenna calling after me only fueled me to walk faster.

  I probably was carrying Erik's baby. Why wouldn't I be? My mother promised me the first time I let a man touch me that I would be knocked up... just like she was.

  A hot ball of regret sat in the back of my throat, but I held it back until I was in the comfort of my own apartment. Thomas was nowhere to be found, but things had gotten back to normal with him. He'd delivered the twenty thousand dollars back to Mr. Bertinelli, and as far as he was concerned, the drama was over.

  I was too weary to care at the moment.

  After fixing myself a glass of water and downing it, I walked to the bathroom. It was the moment of truth, though I wasn't sure what difference it would make to know other than taking better care of the baby.

  Warmth raced through me at the thought of having a life inside of me, and I knew I was sick. I was single. Broke. Plain. Me.

  I tore the package open and laid the little stick out on the sink before stripping down naked. Why hadn't I just peed on the damn thing over at Jenna's where I had someone to talk to if it turned out to be positive?

  My phone buzzed, and I walked back into the living room to answer it. A text from the library asking me to work the night shift. I replied quickly that I would. What else did I have to do?

  I moved languidly back to the bathroom and grabbed the test and took it. After laying it back down, I put a timer on my phone and walked around my living room nude as a million thoughts played through my mind.

  Some remote part of my heart hoped that I was pregnant. Erik might not come back to me because of the danger of doing so, but if he ever asked me to run away with him again, I would. He spared Thomas' life for me. Because he loved me. No matter if he admitted it or not. He had to.

  My phone went off, and I walked numbly to the bathroom, knowing the answer in my heart before I ever turned the corner and picked up the stick.

  Pregnant. With Erik's baby.

  A cry left me as I moved over and sat down on the toilet. I pressed my face to my hands and cried long and hard.

  It was sick of me, but the child in my stomach gave me hope. Hope that I wouldn't have to live without him, no matter how bad we were for each other.

  He belonged to me in some fucked up way, and I belonged to him.

  Chapter 25

  Erik

  Everything hurt as I lay in bed that morning, dipping in and out of sleep. My body was bruised from the week of torture I had endured. Hanging from the ceiling in the basement with nothing more than a little bit of water and a half a sandwich a day. My father had made his point and made it well.

  I was a prisoner in my own life, owned fully by him and the Syndicate. I'd never get married and never have kids of my own. Even if he allowed me to. There was no way I would ever put someone I loved through such intense hell. Never. Not even a fucking enemy. A quick shot to the head was the worst it was going to get.

  The wind blew in my bedroom around me, the windows wide open thanks to Kane caring to stop by a couple of times a day while I recovered. Without Lizzy, I'd have wasted away into nothing. The pretty girl had spent hours cleaning up my wounds and stitching up the cuts from my father and his guards laying waste to me.

  And all for nothing. Thomas wasn't free. The stupid asshole thought he was, but the games were just getting started.

  There were worse things than death.

  I tried to open my eyes, but the force to keep them shut was almost too much. My body burned for something to take me away. Drugs. Sex. Something. Anything.

  Running my hand down my chest, I cried out. Never in a million years had I thought my father capable of the abuse he'd laid against me. The bastard so far beyond vile that I struggled to want to live if it meant serving h
im. Had he always been that way?

  It took me a little while, but I finally got my eyes opened and found some semblance of peace in the view outside my window. The snow was starting to fall. The white flurries left me open, raw. I was truly alone without an ounce of comfort available to me.

  A groan ran from my sore throat as I shifted up on shaky arms. "Fuck," I mumbled and let my eyes move down my body. Dark yellow and blue bruises ran just under my skin, my arms, legs, stomach, chest... nothing was left untouched.

  I forced myself out of bed and walked over to the window as my knees almost gave out on me several times. Thank God I was allowed my underwear for the week of hell. My dignity was intact, but only slightly.

  "Erik?" Lizzy's voice lifted up behind me, and I turned as she pressed her hand to her mouth. "Your back looks so bad."

  "It's fine." I waved her off as she started toward me. "Please. Leave me alone, okay?"

  "Okay." She moved back. "We're having Thanksgiving dinner. Do you want some help getting dressed?"

  "No. I have nothing to be thankful for, Lizzy." I turned back to breathe in the icy cold air outside. Death would have been a beautiful release during the hours of torture I stood against. The thoughts racing through my mind during my awake moments had destroyed me far more than anything my father could do. He could break my body, but only one person could decimate my soul. Grace.

  "Your Dad said that he's not taking no for an answer to you coming to eat." She sounded so sorrowful.

  "Then tell him to come get me himself. Bring his gun too because I'm tired, Lizzy." I remained looking out at the snow. The drop from my third story room was maybe just enough to stop my heart. I reached out and turned my palm to the heavens, letting the cold snow offer me comfort.

  The door closed, and I sagged against the window, so damn tired.

  No sooner had I made it back to the bed then my door opened again. My father closed the door behind him, walked in and sat down in a recliner by the window, crossing his hands over his stomach.