by Brent Runyon
Caroline takes me into the stadium and we start walking around the track, looking for people we know. Suddenly I realize I don't want to be doing this. I really don't.
God, there's Vicki Kee. She was the girl I had to race in elementary school that one time, and she was so much faster than I was, I had to pretend I pulled a hamstring.
“Brent!”
“Vicki.” The only problem with seeing people you know is that they know you.
“Oh my God, I'm so glad to see you. Brent, I'm so happy you're okay.”
“Thanks.”
“When are you coming back?”
“I don't know. Soon.”
“I can't wait. Well, see you around.”
“Yeah.”
That was weird. There's Kevin Manz. He was the kid I stole school supplies with in algebra. Jesus, he's big. He must be a football player now.
He comes over to us and says, “Hey, Caroline. What's up?”
Caroline says, “Hi, Kevin. Look, it's Brent.”
“I know. What's up, Brent?”
“What's up?”
“Nothing.”
“Cool.”
“Cool.”
Caroline walks me over to the Marshall side to see if we know anyone over there. I haven't watched any of the game. I don't even know who's winning.
I say, “I'm starting to feel like Michael Corleone when he comes back from Italy.”
“Do you mean from The Godfather?”
“Yeah.”
“I love that movie.”
“You do? That's so cool.”
“That's the one with the horse's head, right?”
“Yeah.” I do my Brando impression. “‘I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.'”
She smiles.
“Do you remember this part?” I point my fingers into a gun like Sonny does and say in my New York accent, “‘This ain't the army, where you shoot 'em a mile away, you gotta get up close and—bada bing—you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit.'”
She laughs, “That's pretty good.”
“How about this part.” I scrunch up my face like Luca Brasi and make my voice sound really low and dumb. “‘Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful to be invited to your daughter's wedding, on the day of your daughter's wedding. And may their first child be a masculine child.'”
She's not laughing as much at that one. I hope she's not getting sick of it. I can do an impression of almost everyone in that movie. Next I do Sonny in the closet with the bridesmaid. I pretend somebody is knocking on the door and then I pretend I'm having sex with a woman, slamming her against the wall. “Uh uh uh uh. Uh uh uh uh.” I'm laughing now.
She's not laughing anymore. “It's a good movie.”
“Yeah, a really good movie.” Shit, I think I overdid it.
“Brent, you haven't changed at all.”
That's my problem. I haven't changed at all.
I see Chris standing at the edge of the wire fence, watching the game. I walk over and tap him on the shoulder.
“Hey, Chris.”
“Brent! I didn't know you were coming.”
“Yeah. Here I am.”
“Cool. Hey, I was talking to Jake and some of the other guys on the JV soccer team.”
Oh shit, he's going to ask if I'm going to try out. I don't think I can try out. I can hardly run.
“Yeah?”
“And we were wondering if you wanted to be our manager when you come back to school.”
“What do you mean?”
“You could help us carry the equipment and be up in the press box and announce our names when we come on the field.”
I can tell he's trying to be nice, but I don't know, it makes me feel bad that he doesn't ask if I want to be on the team. I played soccer with him for seven years.
I say, “Okay. I'll think about it.”
“When are you coming back to school, anyway?”
“I don't know. Not for a while.”
“Okay. Talk to you soon.”
The phone rings. Mom picks it up and yells downstairs that Caroline is on the phone. I pick it up next to the TV.
“Hello?”
She says, “Brent?”
“Yeah, hi.”
“Hi. How are you?”
“Good. How are you?”
“I'm well. I just wanted to make sure you had fun last night.”
“I did.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, it was fun.”
“Good, I'm glad. I was worried you didn't have any fun.”
“No, I had fun.”
“Okay, good. Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go out on Halloween with Megan and me. We're going on the Haunted Hayride.”
“Megan? The Megan I know? Um. Okay. That'd be fun.”
“Great. Bye.”
“Bye.” Jesus, I'm going to see Megan. I wonder what she looks like now. I wonder if she's still going out with Stephen. I wonder if she still likes me. I wonder if I'll still be in love with her.
Stephen's back from his vacation to Australia. It's so good to see him. He doesn't look that different. He's maybe a little taller and a lot tanner, but other than that he looks the same. He gives me a hug.
“Hey, bro.”
“Hey, bro.”
“Great to see you, man.” God, it's so funny to hear his Australian accent again.
“Great to see you too.”
We go downstairs into the basement. I say, “So what have you been up to?”
“Not much.”
“No? You still doing comedy?” Stephen and I used to do comedy together.
“I don't do comedy so much anymore, but I started doing some magic.”
“Really, that's so cool. I started doing magic too.”
“That's awesome.”
“What can you do?”
“Well, I can't do too much, but I can do this.” He holds up a quarter in his left hand, puts it in his right hand, and then opens the right hand and the quarter is gone.
“Wow. That was awesome. Show me how to do that.” Stephen shows me just how to hold the coin in my hand so it makes it look like it's going into the right hand. It's kind of hard for me to do it because of the Jobst gloves on my fingers, but maybe I can do something else, like put the coin inside the glove.
I'm dying to ask about Megan. I wonder if he ever had sex with her. God, I bet he had sex with her.
“So, Stephen.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you and Megan still going out?”
“No, she and I broke up before I went back to Australia.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I don't know. I guess it wasn't really working out?”
“How far did you get?”
“Well, a lot of times, in the middle of the night, while my mom and dad were sleeping, I'd sneak over to her house, and, uh, we'd make out.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“That's so awesome.”
We just sit there, not saying anything. I can't figure out why he broke up with Megan. I'd give anything to be able to make out with her.
“Brent?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you know I'm moving?”
“You're moving?”
“Yeah, back to Australia.”
“What?”
“Yeah. My parents are sending me back to a boarding school there.”
“What?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Um, I don't know. I guess they don't like it here.”
“Are they moving too?”
“Not yet.”
“So why are they sending you back?”
“I guess they don't like some of the things that have happened here.”
“Like what?”
“Like what happened to you.”
“What?”
“Yeah.”
“They're sending you back to
Australia because of what happened to me?”
“Yeah.”
“That fucking sucks, man. I can't even believe that. That fucking sucks.”
We play Nintendo for a while and then go outside and sit on the deck. I can't believe that they're sending him away. I say, “So did they, like, make you go to a psychologist or something?”
“Yeah, he was a real dick. But I borrowed this big book of magic from him and never gave it back.”
“That's awesome. Man, I hate all my psychologists too. They're such dicks.”
“I know. You know what I was thinking?”
“What?”
“We could go over to my psychologist's house, it's not too far from here, and we bring a can of gasoline with us and burn an anarchy symbol into his lawn.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. You want to?”
I know he's serious. I know there was a time when I would have done something like that, but I don't really want to do crazy stuff anymore.
“Um, I'm kind of tired. Want to order pizza and play Nintendo some more?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Mom drops me off at Caroline's house for the Haunted Hayride. I wonder what it'll be like to see Megan again. I haven't seen her for nine months. I wonder, I mean, I wonder if she's not dating anybody if she'd like to maybe go out with me. My heart is beating so hard.
I ring the doorbell. Caroline opens the door. “Hey, Brent. You guys, Brent's here.”
“Hi.”
The twins, Adam and Laura, are here. The last time I saw Laura, I told her I was going to set myself on fire. I wonder if she remembers that.
There's Megan. Something's different. It's like she doesn't know me anymore. She says, “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Good to see you.”
“You too.”
Adam says, “Hey, man, it's so cool you could come tonight.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, we didn't know if we'd ever see you again.”
“Yeah.” I try to laugh, but I don't think it was a joke.
Caroline's mom drives us. There's six of us and only five seat belts. My mom would have a heart attack if she knew someone wasn't wearing a seat belt. Caroline sits up front and the rest of us crowd into the back. I'm next to Megan. Her leg is pressed up against mine and I let my hand rest gently against the side of her knee. I can smell her hair, it smells so good. She's even more beautiful than before.
Laura says, “So, Brent, did you get all our letters?”
“I don't know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I got some letters, but there's no way to tell if I got all of them.” That was funny. Why didn't anybody laugh?
Caroline says, “Did you get the one I sent you from French class?”
Adam says, “Yeah, the whole class wrote you little notes, did you get them?”
“Um, yeah, I think I got that.” Honestly, I don't remember, I got so many letters, it's hard to remember.
“Did you get that tape Jennifer made you?”
“Yeah, I got that.” I remember it was kind of stupid. A bunch of girls screaming into a microphone.
Why isn't Megan asking me anything? I wish she would say something to me. Oh well, I'm just happy to be this close to her. I always wanted to be this close to her. Maybe I'll put my hand on her leg. Maybe I'll slide my hand under her shirt and feel her stomach and then move it up to her breasts. Maybe I'll just sit here quietly and not do anything.
Last year, when the three of us were friends, Stephen and I would always ask her what color underwear she was wearing when we'd talk to her on the phone. She wasn't like other girls, she actually would tell us. For her birthday, we bought her this sexy bra and panties, I think they were red, and she said she would model them for us. I never saw them. Stephen saw them, but I never did.
I wonder what would have happened back then if I'd just told Megan I liked her and I wanted to go out with her. Maybe I could have had sex with her. I could have lost my virginity to her. We could have lost it together. Now all that's gone. There's nothing left of all that stuff we had together. There's nothing left but being scrunched into the same backseat, smelling her hair and wondering what color underwear she's wearing.
That balloon, the first balloon I ever got when I was in the hospital, the silver one that says Get Well Soon, still has air in it. All the other balloons deflated, but that one is still floating in my room. It just sits there, sometimes by the windows, sometimes in my closet, sometimes in front of the bathroom door. Mom calls it my guardian angel. I tell her she's wrong, but the way it just floats up in my room, it feels like it's taking care of me.
It's my birthday and I told Mom and Dad I didn't want to do anything, but I think they're planning something. I saw that Mom bought a whole bunch of those premade pizza crusts so you can make pizza at home. I'm sure they're going to do something, and I wish they wouldn't.
I was right. Surprise party. Stephen and Caroline just drove up. Megan's not with them. There's Chris and his sister Robin. They must have walked over from their house. There's Alida and her mom. I haven't seen her since she came to see me in the hospital.
I guess it's nice that my parents had everyone come over, but it seems so pathetic that my parents had to organize a party for me. Last year for my birthday Stephen and Alida and Cecilia, my girlfriend at the time, went with me to the Hard Rock Cafe in D.C.
It was so cool being out with my friends in the city. All night I kept trying to make eye contact with Cecilia, to smile and show her how much I cared about her, but she would never look at me. And then the next day she broke up with me in D-hall right before science.
Chris and Jake are talking about the JV soccer team. I guess Chris blew out his knee and is going to have to have arthroscopic surgery. Caroline and Stephen are talking about a teacher they both have.
Robin's sitting next to me, not talking to anyone. She says, “Hey, Brent, what foreign language are you going to take when you come back to school?”
“I don't know. What should I take?”
“Well, the Latin teacher is supposed to be good. I take Spanish and I hate my teacher.”
“Yeah?”
Jake butts in, “Yeah, my French teacher sucks too.”
Chris says, “Who do you have?”
“Madame Goldberg.”
“She sucks?”
“She's the worst.”
I say, “I guess I'll take Latin, then.”
“Good idea.”
This pizza really isn't that good. It's too chewy. Mom's lighting the candles on my birthday cake. Alida turns out the lights. Everybody's singing, but there's something missing. Their voices sound disconnected, like they're not really trying. Wow, that's a lot of candles. Fifteen burning things coming right toward me.
Mom puts the cake down right in front of me. I can feel the heat from the candles. I lean back in my seat.
Stephen yells, “Make a wish.”
I close my eyes for a second and think about what my wish should be. Should I wish that I have sex in the next year? Should I wish that Megan will fall in love with me? Should I wish to be funnier? Or that everything would go back to the way it was before?
No. I know what I'm going to wish.
I wish that everyone will be happy, that everyone gets through this okay. That's what I wish.
I open my eyes and look at all the faces lit up by the candles. They're all waiting for me. I take a deep breath, lean forward, and blow, but I don't have enough air in my lungs and one is still lit. I take another quick breath and blow again. This time the last flame goes out.
Everyone's gone, but there's still a few pieces of the devil's food cake Mom made from the box. She's stuffing all the wrapping paper and dirty paper plates into a big black Hefty bag.
“Hey, Mom,” I say.
“Yes?”
“How come you didn't invite Megan?”
She looks up with a real surprised look o
n her face. She says, “I didn't know you would have wanted her here. I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know.”
“That's okay. Forget it.”
God, I feel like my whole life could fit in one of these trash bags. I walk downstairs and lie on the brown corduroy couch.
It's been nine months and I still don't know why I did it. I was so sad. I wanted to be funny and cool and I wanted everyone to love me, but I still don't know why I did it.
“Mom,” I call out. She's upstairs. She's coming down. I think she can tell I'm upset.
“What is it, honey?” She sits down next to me on the couch. I start crying. I can't keep myself from crying. Where is all this crying coming from? She says, “It's okay, honey. It's okay. You can tell me. You can tell me. It's okay.” She's hugging me and hugging me. And she's crying.
“I don't know why I did it. I was just so sad. I was so sad. I don't know why.” I'm crying so hard I can't get the words out. I can't say any more. I can't talk anymore, I'm crying so hard.
She's crying hard now too. She's holding me. She's hugging me. “It's okay, honey. It's okay. We love you so much. We're just glad you're okay. We're just so glad that you're okay.”
Oh God, I can't stop crying. I can't stop. The spit in my mouth is thick and my whole face tastes like salt. My face hurts from crying so hard.
I say, “I'm okay.”
“I know, honey. I know.”
“I'm okay, Mom. I'm okay now.”
Today is my first day going to Dominion Hospital. I have on this cool blue-and-white shirt my mom got me at the Gap, white in the front with blue arms and a blue back, and a pair of jeans. I'm nervous.
I put a notebook in my black book bag. I put on my plastic face mask and sit at the kitchen table, waiting for the school bus. Mom wanted to make me lunch, but I guess they have a cafeteria there, so she doesn't need to.
Mom hands me a sheet of paper with all the rules of the Adolescent Day Treatment Program.
Safety Rules
Please do not bring any of the following items with you to the hospital:
1. Items with sharp points and edges such as knives, firearms, scissors, razors, nail clippers, tweezers, cans, wire hangers, keys, and other items that staff may feel is unsafe to the program
2. Cigarettes, lighters, matches, pipes, chewing tobacco