by Brent Runyon
“Thanks.”
“You're welcome. I'm sure you'll do well going back into the world, but there are a few things that I'd like you to take with you. The first is that there's always help. There's always someone out there who knows how to listen. The second is that if you ever feel like there's something you can't deal with, if you feel like you're panicked and trapped and there's nothing you can do to get out, just remember to breathe. Remember your breathing exercises. Remember to stay calm. Remember you're a smart kid and you can get through anything. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I'll remember.”
“Is there anything you want to say to us before you go?”
“Um, I don't know, I really appreciate all the help you guys have given me over the last couple of months. I know that it's almost a year since I've been in school, and I know that it's going to be weird, and hard, but I think I can do it. I mean, I do think I can do it. So I guess I just want to say thanks. So, thanks.”
Suzanne gets up and gives me a hug. Michael Mager shakes my hand and pats my shoulder.
I walk out of the meeting and head toward the door. The receptionist buzzes me out and I walk outside to wait for the little bus. Okay, here I go. Going back to school. I know it's only for two periods and one of them is lunch, but still. It's a big deal. It's a big fucking deal. It's a gigantic fucking mess of a giant fucking deal.
Because when you think about it, I mean, I really haven't been to school in, well, almost a year. And it's high school, and I don't know if I'm okay. I don't really know if I'm going to be okay.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
The bus is here. Jesus. This is it. This is it. The bus is going to take me to school and the whole thing is going to change. I'm going to walk into school and I'm going to be a different person and they're all going to see that I'm a different person.
I'm getting on the bus. Okay, get your cameras out. Thank God there's nobody else on the bus. Thank God. It's just me on a little short bus that retards ride on. I used to make fun of people that rode these buses, but now I'm one of them.
Jesus. I hope I can find Chris. I hope I can find the cafeteria. I hope no one picks on me or says anything to me. I hope no one notices me and the way I look. I hope no one who used to know me wants to talk to me about anything. I hope school's not too hard.
I'm just going to lay my head against the window. I'm just going to put my forehead against the window and lean against it. That feels good. That feels so good. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.
I breathe in through my nose. One. Two. Three. Hold it. Out through the mouth. One. Two. Three. In through the nose. One. Two. Three. Out through the mouth. One. Two. Three.
Okay. Okay. I'm going to be okay. That sounds like a song. Maybe I should sing to myself. Maybe that'll make me feel a little better.
Okay, okay, you're going to be okay.
Okay, okay, you're going to be okay.
It's going to be all right.
It's going to be all right.
Okay, I feel a little better. I feel, at least, a little better.
Oh God, there's the school. They plant those bushes in a big M on the side of the hill like that every year. The sign says Marshall High School. Congrats, JV Field Hockey.
Jesus. The bus is stopped. I've got to get off the bus. I'm getting off. I'm walking up the steps. I'm opening the door.
I'm standing in the doorway.
Okay.
I'm here.
Acknowledgments
Thanks to my mom and dad and Craig for living through all of this with me and for keeping such good records.
To Gerry and Maggie Parseghian for their support.
To Julie Snyder, Jonathan Goldstein, and Ira Glass at This American Life.
To Lisa Bankoff, my agent at ICM, and Nancy Siscoe, my editor at Knopf.
About the Author
Brent Runyon graduated from high school with his class. For the most part he wanted to put the past behind him, but he would continue to explore this pivotal point in his life through art. During college he made films, splicing together old home movies with footage of himself in the hospital. After graduating from college, Brent worked in radio and created several autobiographical pieces for This American Life, All Things Considered, and other public radio programs. His first radio piece, “Fire and Ice Cream,” was about his trip out of the hospital with Tina, his favorite nurse. A second piece, called “The Burn Journals,” was an early version of the opening scenes in this book.
Brent's hope in writing this book was that, by setting down the thoughts and emotions of that time with total honesty and precision, he could explain—if only to himself—the hows and whys of his depression and his recovery, and finally put it to rest.
Brent Runyon lives on Cape Cod, Massachusetts.
“Bridge Over Troubled Water”
Copyright © 1969 by Paul Simon.
Used by permission of the publisher, Paul Simon Music.
Cajun Night Before Christmas
By Trosclair, illustrated by James Rice,
Copyright © 1973, used by permission of the licensor, Pelican Publishing Company, Inc.
“Help”
Words and music by Lennon & McCartney
Copyright © 1965 by Sony/ATV Tunes
“I Heard It Through the Grapevine”
Words and music by Norman J. Whitfield and Barrett Strong
Copyright © 1966 (renewed 1994) by Jobete Music Co., Inc.
All rights controlled and administered by EMI-Blackwood Music, Inc. on behalf of Stone Agate Music (a division of Jobete Music Co., Inc.) All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
“Imagine”
Words and music by John Lennon
Copyright ©1971 (renewed 1999) by Lenono.Music
All rights controlled and administered by EMI-Blackwood Music, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
“In My Life”
Words and music by Lennon & McCartney
Copyright © 1965 by Sony/ATV Tunes
“King of Pain”
Words and music by Gordon Sumner (Sting)
Copyright © 1983 All rights controlled and administered by EMI-Blackwood Music, Inc.
“Tangled Up in Blue”
Copyright © 1974 by Ram's Horn Music. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Reprinted by permission.
THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF
Copyright © 2004 by Brent Runyon
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children's Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto. Distributed by Random House, Inc., New York.
KNOPF, BORZOI BOOKS, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
www.vintagebooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Runyon, Brent.
The burn journals / Brent Runyon. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Runyon, Brent. 2. Teenage boys—Virginia—Biography. 3. Teenage boys—Suicidal behavior—Virginia—Case studies. I. Title.
HV6546.R86 2004
362.28'092—dc22 2004005643
eISBN: 978-0-307-27695-7
v3.0