“Libby, you will feel whole again. You will. Not now, not today, but someday. You have parents who love you. James loves you. I love you. Tom loves you. Mirabelle loves you. You have so many people who just want you to feel better. And here is a little secret: Everybody wants to feel whole. Everybody with a pulse gets a piece of them ripped out if they live long enough. We live, we love, and we die. And sometimes people we love the most die before us and it hurts like a mother. It hurts worse than falling three stories after nearly burning alive. It hurts worse than withdrawing from smack. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts. And just when you think you couldn’t hurt anymore, your body finds new ways to hurt. New nadirs—lower, darker, more abysmal than before. I know. But I know this, too, Libby. I know that we hurt because we loved and that is pretty awesome. When you think about it in reverse, it’s pretty goddamn amazing. If you rewind through all the hurt, and you go back in time and find the moment when that love you felt lived and breathed inside you and filled your soul up with light, you realize just how amazing this life is. And what’s even more amazing? You know what, Lib? You can go back to those times at any moment. You can go back to it now. You can take it with you forever. It lives forever. And the opposite is true, too. You can also fast-forward. One day, though you can’t see it now, Lib. You can’t, but you’re going to be so happy. You’ll be married. And you’ll be holding a beautiful baby and you won’t believe how all that joy could be yours. But if you rewind that moment all the way back, you’ll see this moment. You’ll see this pain. You’ll see how hurt and sad and lonely you were and that out of that pain and hurt, you grew strong. You got better and that pain brought you that joy you’ll be holding someday in the future.”
“Oh, Sean, I miss her,” Libby cried. “I miss who I was when I was with her. It’s just not the same.”
“I know what you mean. I do.”
“I know you do,” Libby said and squeezed his hand.
“You have to believe in second chances. You have to believe that there is a reason why you’re here today. Think of your parents, think what life would have been like if both of you were in that car.”
Libby nodded.
“Think of James and how happy he is just to be in a room with you. Think of the fun you two have. Think about how much he adores you. Loves you. How he chose you. Expects nothing from you. How simple and true his love is.”
Libby smiled, thinking of him and looking at his picture beside the one of her sister.
“And think of all those dogs, all those guardian angels, you bring into people’s lives every day and the smiles they put on people’s faces, on faces like mine,” Sean said, smiling widely.
“How can you be so sure, Sean? How can you be so sure we all have a reason and a purpose?”
“Because I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
“Are you talking about that angel again?”
“No, it’s not just the angel. I know because I’ve loved so many times, and have lost so many times, but I keep moving. I keep breathing. I keep remembering. And I see it makes a difference. We each make a difference. If it weren’t for thinking of Chiara, I don’t think I’d be here. If it weren’t for James, I wouldn’t be here. If it weren’t for Gaspar, I wouldn’t have met Tom, and I don’t think I would be walking today without him. And if it weren’t for James and Tom, you wouldn’t be here. So we each matter. And then if it weren’t for you and Chief walking into my room, James and you wouldn’t be together. And if you, James, and I didn’t hang out so much and talk so much and help Tom see the error of his ways, maybe Tom would be on his way to a divorce instead of running home each day to get to his wife. And if Tom hadn’t taken Chief surfing like he did the other day, then he wouldn’t have forgotten Chief’s leash in his truck, and he wouldn’t have ended up in an elevator bringing it to me and James at the exact moment we thought to come and get you, and without Tom and his medical bag, you wouldn’t be here, and your parents wouldn’t be coming down to visit you today in a hospital where you’re alive and on your way to getting better. It’s not just a random stream of coincidences. Life’s not just a bunch of disconnected events and people. There are reasons, and we may not know them or recognize them and we may not understand them, but we have to trust that there are reasons beyond us, because I’ve seen it work out enough. It doesn’t mean we will all live forever. It doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen or we won’t feel sad sometimes, but it does mean that we can’t discount the miraculous in the mundane. It’s the only way to make this shit bearable.”
“Sean, how did you get like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“So damn sure of yourself.”
“I wasn’t always like this, Lib. I spent a lot of time lost in the dark. Wallowing. Blaming. Drinking. Getting high. Blocking myself from any sort of happiness.”
“And then the fire?”
“Sure.”
“What does that mean?”
“Sure, the fire changed me. But if I had to be honest, I changed before that. I had turned my entire life around three years before that, but I just lost my way again. It happens. And the fire, the angel, all of it reminded me of something I had already figured out.”
“What’s that?”
“I used to fight the fire—the fire burning inside me and the fires outside me. I used to fight everything. I was always so angry, so bitter, so pissed off at the world. I didn’t understand why kids like my nephew had to suffer, why people like my sister and mother had to endure so much pain, and why I couldn’t be with the one I loved. I fought it for so long, I pushed it out. So much so I turned out the light inside me.”
“And then what?” Libby asked.
“Then one day, three years ago, I saw something amazing, Libby. And it changed me. I saw my sister holding her son—my nephew, the boy I loved and raised like my own son—dying in her arms. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t help my sister. I knew there was nothing I could do to protect her from the pain coming for her, from the brutal, torturous suffering of my nephew. It ripped my heart out. I thought I’d never be able to breathe again, walk again, stand, go on, live. I thought right then and there: If this boy dies, I die. It’s over. I am done with this crap-ass, nonsensical world.”
“What happened?”
“I was watching it all unfold, as if in slow motion. My sister’s face changed. She looked transfixed, like she had just seen heaven itself. Like a goddamn angel. It was like she realized while holding her son, finally at peace, that she didn’t need to get to heaven to see that it existed. She didn’t need to see or touch God to know he existed, she held it all in her arms. She had been holding on to heaven, the goddamn universe, right there in her arms, his entire life. All the while, like Dorothy clicking her heels or something, it was right there in front of her. And I swear that my nephew, even as the light was going out inside him, looked at her in the same way. I will never understand why he had to suffer. Why she had to suffer. I won’t, and I don’t think anyone will ever be able to, but I know this—love. Love is what makes all this possible. All of this bearable. Love does. It matters. We matter. Each and every one of us matters.”
Libby reached now for Sean and held his forearm, squeezing as he spoke.
“I knew in that moment, whether he lived or died, every single thing mattered. Every little, seemingly insignificant thing mattered, and I didn’t need to keep fighting this fire inside me. I had to walk beside it. I had to walk with it. It was a light. Like Colm was a light. Like Cathleen. Like Gaspar. We all were each other’s guides. Each other’s light. Angels. Heaven. Whatever you want to call it. We came to set the world on fire.”
“Oh, Sean, the way you talk. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t know how to wrap my head around it.” Libby sighed.
“You know that angel I thought I saw that day up in that burning house? Well, I’d seen her before. I saw the angel right next to my sister and Colm, the same damn one that ca
me to me the night of the fire. It was clear as day to me. The light around her was so bright, it made everything around her disappear.”
“So it was like a hallucination?” Libby said, disbelieving.
“Sure. No one else saw it but me, so yeah, I guess it was. But it was enough. It was real to me. The next thing I knew or remembered was waking up in the hospital. My sister and Gaspar were standing over me. They said I had passed out. That I was so overcome.”
“Did you tell your sister what you saw?”
“No. I couldn’t. I didn’t understand it then. So I blocked it out. But it wasn’t until I saw again what I’d seen before that I realized there was a reason I was here. So that’s how I know, Lib. I know all the way down to the studs that this fire exploding inside me is out there, too. It’s in all of us. And it’s in you, too, Libby. We just have to tear down the walls and let it out.”
Libby nodded. “Wow.”
“You think I’m nuts, don’t you? A few years ago if I had heard the same thing, I would think I was nuts.”
“I’m not in any position to call anyone nuts, Sean,” Libby said, lifting both her tracked arms in surrender.
“Everybody has a bit of crazy in them, Lib. It’s the only thing that keeps us sane in this bizarre world.”
“You’re funny, Sean Magee.” Libby finally cracked a smile and wiped away her tears.
“I try,” Sean said weakly.
“You’re gonna go to her, aren’t you? There is no stopping you?” Libby asked quietly, changing the subject.
“Yes, Lib.”
“I’m sorry about what I said to you the other day. I know you’re not going to rip her life apart. I know you know what you’re doing. It wasn’t fair of me to assume that just because it didn’t work out for me it wouldn’t work out for you. You both deserve a second shot.”
“Thanks, Libby.”
“I mean it. I really hope it works out for you, Sean. You deserve to be happy.”
“So do you, Libby. So do you.”
“Just be gentle.”
“Excuse me?”
“Just be gentle with her. Eleven years is a long time. She’s probably been through a lot. It probably took her a long time trying to get over someone as special as you, Sean. She probably woke up every day saying your name, and then spent her days looking for you on street corners, and came home tearing through letters hoping to see your handwriting on just one. She probably lay awake at night and imagined you coming to her, kissing her, holding her. And then one day, probably after a couple of years, she stopped. She got up and went about her day and realized, only as her head hit the pillow at night, that she hadn’t said your name, missed you, or ached for you all day. And then she would cry, not because she felt victorious for finally reaching the point where she could move on, but she would cry because she did manage to forget you. And for her, forgetting you was worse than anything because it meant she’d lost hope. She’d lost everything she believed was real and good and right,” Libby said, wiping a tear from her eye.
“Oh, Lib.”
“Just be gentle. Understand that this isn’t just about you. This isn’t just about your second chance, or you getting over your own me-over-you moment. It’s actually not that simple.”
“Okay, I promise, Lib.”
“And don’t get too beat up if she turns you away. Promise me that. Promise you won’t be an idiot like me? That you won’t go hunting down a drink after a broken heart. Be stronger than that? Okay?”
“I will.”
“And promise me, if you do get a second chance with her, if you do get to build a life with her, you never forget me, forget James, forget Tom, forget all the people who brought you to her. Because I won’t forget you, Sean Magee. I won’t.”
“I won’t either.”
“Good.”
“Thank you, Lib. You’ll never know how much you’ve helped me.”
“So this is a good-bye? Isn’t it?”
“I made a decision, Lib. I am not waiting till next month. I’m leaving tonight, Lib. That’s why I came today. This is good-bye.”
“Are you going to say good-bye to James and Tom?”
“I said my good-byes to Tom. Don’t you think James will try to stop me?”
“James won’t. He wants you to be happy.”
“I can’t risk him saying something to Gaspar. I just can’t risk it. I have to do this now. I’ve waited long enough. I can walk now. That’s what I was waiting for. I am not waiting another minute to start the rest of my life.”
“Be careful, Sean.”
“I’ll have Chief with me. He’s on the NSAR list, so I can take him with me on the plane. He’ll be by my side the entire time.”
“He’s such a good dog,” Libby said, looking at Chief, who had become in some ways such a part of Sean she could hardly separate the two.
“He was trained by the best.” Sean smiled and mimicked a punch to Libby’s shoulder.
“Dammit, Sean. I’m gonna miss you now.”
“Aw, it’s all right. I’ll be back.”
“It’s different. Everything will be different. That’s the trouble with loving people. Friends. Family.”
“How’s that?”
“Just when you get used to how great it is, life ups and changes on ya.”
“Ah, Lib. I’ll be back.”
“I’ll say good-bye to James for you. I’ll wait till your plane takes off.”
“Thanks. I owe ya.”
“No, you don’t. Cross my name off your list.”
“How did you know I keep a list?”
“We all do, Sean. We all do.”
Sean leaned over and kissed Libby’s forehead and said, “I better be going.”
As he walked out the door, Libby called after him, “Sean?”
“Yeah, Lib?”
“It won’t be the same here without you.”
Sean forced a small, weak smile that actually pained him. A large lump rose in his throat. “You’re gonna be all right, kid. You will.”
Chapter 23
SEAN CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT LEAVING JAMES without a good-bye. Libby was right. He owed him that much.
After he left the hospital, he took a cab to his old station. When Sean limped into the garage and took a whiff of the oil, damp hoses, and engine exhaust, he knew he was home. The feeling had escaped him for months. He didn’t know what he was missing until it was there, right in front of him. He had missed it all. Mostly, he missed the guys, who had been leaning propped up on chairs against the garage wall listening to the radio and didn’t even notice him when he came out from behind the ladder truck.
“Magee!” James shouted, seeing him first. “What are you doing here?”
“Came for a visit.”
The men leaped from their chairs and swarmed Sean, giving him hugs and high fives, one man getting on his knees to pet Chief.
“Miss us?” his lieutenant asked.
“Of course. You guys busy today?”
“Nah, a couple of false alarms. Car fire on the 405. The usual.”
“You’re not missing much, Magee. How ya’ feeling? Can’t believe you’re walking already.”
“I am doing great. Legs are getting stronger every day. Burns are pretty much healed. Just scars now,” Sean said, turning his head to show the smooth, stretched skin that wrapped his ear and neck. The swelling had gone down, and the hair along his new and receded hairline along the edge of the burn had grown in long and wavy.
“We miss you, buddy,” another said.
“I miss you guys, too,” Sean said, shaking hands with each of them as they approached him to pat him on the back and give his burns a closer look. Sean didn’t mind the stares. It was part of him now, and would be forever. There was no use fighting it. He would have been just as curious if the roles were reversed.
“Hey, James, you got a sec?” Sean said after greeting everyone.
“Sure. Everything okay?”
“I need to talk
,” Sean said, motioning outside the garage bay door.
James followed Sean.
“You went and saw her, didn’t you?”
“Just came from there.”
“How’s she doin’ today?”
“She’s doing okay,” Sean said, not going into too many details.
“I mean, in your opinion, as a recovering alcoholic, do you think she has a shot at beating this?” James asked while continuing to pet Chief.
“This isn’t lip service, James. I think she’s going to be great. She had a setback. Lost her way. That happens. But she’s going to be okay.”
“I know. That’s what I told her. I think her parents found her a good place. A few months, maybe a year, I think she’ll be back on her feet and this whole mess will be behind her.”
“You willing to wait that long, James?”
“I’d wait forever,” James said in an of-course-you-jerk tone.
“Good. She loves you, James. She feels bad. She deserves a second shot. Drugs, man. They mess with you. Old friends you know who did drugs, too. The two together are lethal.”
“I should have known.”
“James, you couldn’t have known.”
“It’s rough. This living thing is rough. I used to think it was so simple,” James said, squinting and staring at a point somewhere behind Sean’s head.
“It is simple, James. Don’t lose that. Don’t lose that belief. Don’t lose what you’ve got that keeps you strong.”
“I know. I just feel helpless. First you, now Lib. It’s just hard on a guy like me. I never had it too rough. Not like you guys. I had a good family. We ate a shitload. But we loved each other. We didn’t get ripped up by life like you and Libby did. This is all just a lot for me to handle.”
Sean looked at Chief and Chief looked up at Sean as if he knew exactly what he was thinking. Chief, as if anticipating Sean’s words before he could speak them, started to do the two-step backward. It seemed as if Chief could tell Sean had changed his mind about taking him to Italy with him.
“Come here, Chief, come here, boy,” Sean said, and then to James, “I have a huge favor to ask of you, James. I need someone I trust completely.”
Proof of Angels Page 17