by G. T. Marie
“I understand, Dana. Listen to me. You will be okay, and I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” Andrew made eye contact with me. “I want you to listen to my voice.”
I nodded with a shaky gaze.
“Ok, do you see the rock to your right? I want you to let go of the plant and put your hand there. Take one more step, and you’ll be able to grab my hand.”
I breathed deeply, trying to gather myself. I slowly let go of the plant.
“Good,” Andrew said. “That’s it. You’re doing great. Now one more step… There! You did it!” I clasped onto Andrew for dear life, my heart still racing. He felt solid; I couldn’t let go.
“Okay, okay,” Andrew patted my back, letting the hug last. “You did awesome.”
“Thank you,” I said wiping away a tear that had snuck out. I smiled, “You saved my life, again.”
Andrew laughed, “Add it to my tab.”
The rest of the hike was much easier, to my relief. We discovered old vineyards, olive fields still in use, unbelievable panoramic views, and rickety old bridges. At one point we stopped on an overpass filled with locks.
“Why are there so many locks here?” I asked. Without speaking, Andrew pulled me back, and I could see all of the locks together, forming the shape of a heart.
I could feel Andrew’s breath against my ear and the tingle of his fingers against my wrist as he spoke softly, “They’re love locks. Couples write their names on them and leave somewhere special they’ve been.”
“That’s kind of cool,” I said, feeling the cold, rusted metal between my fingers.
“Yeah, kind of cheesy if you ask me,” Megan piped in.
After taking a picture by the locks despite Megan’s protests, we continued the last leg of our journey. Figuring the rest of our class wouldn’t miss us since they were so far behind, we took a table at a café and ordered some apperitivo drinks. We enjoyed the fresh mojitos, watching the bartenders concoct them from scratch. The appetizers served were delicious and food had never tasted so good. After a day of hiking and nothing but a few carrots and an apple to snack on, we were ravenous.
We ate so much food that we agreed it was only polite to buy another round of drinks. Another batch of liquids led to another order of food, and before we knew it the sun had descended behind the ocean, and it was difficult to see much further than the patio of the bar.
Emilia looked at her watch, “Don’t you think we should have seen them by now?”
“I would’ve thought,” Andrew said. “What time was the train heading back?”
“Who the heck cares,” Megan said. She was two drinks ahead of the rest of us.
“I think eight thirty,” I said. I wobbled in my chair as I bent over to look in my pack for the itinerary. The bubbles from that last glass of champagne made the words blur before my eyes. “Yep. That’s what it says.”
“Shit! We gotta go!” Emilia jumped up.
“Shit! Emilia just swore!” I said to Megan. The two of us doubled over in drunken laughter.
“It’s eight fifteen, we need to leave,” Andrew said.
“And go where?” I gasped. “Megan’s not done with her drink.”
Megan reclined and put her feet up on the table.
“We need to catch that train,” Emilia said, starting to seem a bit frantic.
Andrew spoke over my head to Emilia, “We won’t be able to drag their drunk-asses all the way back in time. I think we are stuck here for tonight.”
“You don’t think…” Emilia looked at her watch as a train pulled away from the station, the noises distinct in the distance. “I guess you’re right. Do we have to call the school or anything?”
“Nah, it’s Italy. They expect people to wander off. This a voluntary trip, so we didn’t have to sign in or anything.”
“Happy Vacation!” Megan raised a glass. We clinked drinks on the patio as it started to rain again. My outfit was beyond repair by this point, Megan’s shirt was see-through, and everyone’s hair was absolutely drenched. Megan opened her mouth to catch the rain drops, initiating another round of laugher for the two of us, until finally Emilia and Andrew joined in. The music from behind the bar picked up, and before I knew it, we were dancing like five-year-olds in the rain.
A short while later, we pulled it together and talked to the bar owner, who knew a cousin, who had a friend who’s cousin was the manager of a hostel. Against all odds, we were put in touch with the man who could help us out. The man explained he only had a honey moon suite to offer us, which we gladly accepted. We would’ve taken a barn if it’d had a roof. The best part of the deal was that the room was only seventeen Euros a night, a steal.
The owner lead us three fourths of a mile up a winding back path, where he unlocked a stand-alone cottage, perched on the highest point of the mountain. There was a bed in the entry way room, strange placement, I thought, hoping for more promising sleeping arrangements in the main house. The bed in front of us had what looked like a burn mark in the middle of the comforter. It could’ve been something much grosser, but I didn’t want to take my chances looking any closer. We followed the man into the main room, which had a large bed in the center with a smaller couch at its foot. Along the wall were two bunk beds. Emilia opened the window to reveal a huge balcony spanning the width of the house. You could see all five of the colorful little towns, tucked between the lush green hills and the crashing black waves.
I admired the view from the window, and by the time I turned around, Emilia and Megan had laid claim on both of the bunks already. I looked at Andrew.
“I’m not taking the shit bed,” I said.
“Neither am I,” Andrew said.
“I’m in here.”
“Me too.”
I set my stuff purposefully on the bed, “You can have the foot stool.”
“Shut it, I was here first,” Andrew said.
“Guys, guys, sharing is caring,” Megan said from the top bunk.
“Do you think you can control yourself?” Andrew asked eying me.
“Oh, please.”
The night passed smoothly with the exception Andrew yelling at me to put socks on in the middle of the night because my freezing feet were touching him. In the morning, the sun felt warm on my skin as we lounged outside sipping fresh coffee and gazing out at the smooth water. I lounged back in my chair, sinking into the cushy fabric.
“Life doesn’t get much better than this, huh?” I said.
“I’m considering getting married eight times, just so I can have eight honey moons here,” Megan said.
“That means you need to get eight people to agree to marry you.” I poured milk into my coffee.
“Well, I have at least three in front of me,” she said, patting our hands.
“Whoa, speak for yourself,” Andrew cautioned.
“Shut up,” Megan said.
“Let’s hike,” Emilia finished.
We hiked further into the hills than the day before, marveling at the ancient equipment still being used to harvest olives. We strolled through vineyards, perused the specialty shops in the towns, and feasted on fresh fruits, pastas, and meats from the local stores. As the sun sunk again, hours later, we headed back to the bar to order some drinks and dinner.
The hostel's owner was nice and let us keep the keys for another night, so we were in no hurry to get back. As the others ordered, I told them I’d meet back shortly. I’d seen an internet checkpoint at a nearby café, and I wanted to see if there was an email from my mom. I had promised her an email this weekend. She liked to know when I was travelling, just in case. I handed over a Euro to the person behind the deck, logged on, and perused my email. There was already an email from my mom. I clicked reply, but before I could enter anything, my blood ran cold.
Chapter Thirty Four
I returned to the group, tried to paste a cheery expression on my face, and ordered the strongest drink on the menu. I listened to them discuss whether electronic cigarettes were actually
bad for you, but I didn’t – couldn’t make a contribution to the conversation. I smiled gratefully when my drink arrived and took a big gulp.
“I didn’t think you were a gin kinda girl,” Andrew commented.
“Things change,” I said, my voice weaker than usual.
Emilia studied me closely. I shrugged in her direction.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing, nothing,” I said. “Here’s to vacation!”
“What happened at the café?” Emilia asked. Andrew and Megan looked on without speaking.
“My grandpa died,” I said. I couldn’t help it, the tears started to fall. Emilia came and hugged me. Megan and Andrew murmured their apologies. I tried to smooth the wet spot out of Emilia’s shirt with no success.
After a long embrace, Emilia stepped back and held me at arm’s length. She gestured to her shirt. “I’ve been wet all weekend; these few drops are nothing.”
I laughed through my tears. A hiccup startled me.
“Thank you guys, I’m glad you’re here,” I said almost losing it again. Even Megan had damp eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Not really. I just, I don’t really know what to do,” I said.
Emilia put her hand over mine, “Take it easy, Dana. Let’s have dinner, hang out at the hostel. You can talk about it when you’re ready.”
I nodded, “Thank you.”
I had no appetite, but forced myself to pick at a slice of pizza. I finished my drink, then one more after. We eventually made our way up to the hostel, and the conversation drifted to childhood stories. Only once did I start to mention my grandpa, but I got choked up and fell quiet, letting the others’ voice soothe my guilt. They were good listeners, and I felt relieved that I had such close friends surrounding me. A couple hours later, I was emotionally drained. I told the others I was tired and they agreed; it’d been a long day for us all.
Everyone climbed into bed, reading, listening to music, drifting off to sleep. Andrew lay very close to me, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, his fingers caressing my skin. I felt his fingers grow heavy, slow their pace, and eventually stop. He began breathing long, slow breaths, and I detangled myself from his arms so as not to wake him. I slid out of bed and went outside.
I was a little tipsy, but in bed my mind had been thinking a million thoughts a second. I couldn’t stare at the ceiling any longer. I trudged along the waterfront under the bright stars, finding a rather obscure set of stairs about a half mile down the path that lead to the town. I started down the staircase and perched precariously on a ledge over the ocean. My fear of heights seemed irrelevant. I stared at the ocean. Looking into the distance, yet not seeing.
I don’t know how long I’d been sitting when I heard leaves crackle in the background. I turned around, tipping wildly on the edge of the small wall. A hand reached out, steadied me.
“I missed your cold feet,” Andrew said.
“Andrew! Why are you here?”
“How did I get here is a better question. I walked around forever looking for you, and I’m willing to bet my feet are actually colder than yours.”
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” I said, relieved to see him.
“I wouldn’t let you wander the streets in the dead of night alone,” Andrew said climbing onto the wall next to me. He took my hand. We sat in silence for awhile, looking at the moon, my hand secure in his strong grip.
“I loved him a lot,” I began. “It wasn’t an expected thing. I shouldn’t have come here. To Italy. I wasn’t home, I couldn’t help. My grandma…now…”
Andrew stroked my hand, “I’ll bet you anything he wanted you to go to Italy.”
I nodded, “He did, actually. He encouraged me to go more than anyone else. Whenever I had my doubts, or worried about how sad I’d be away from home, he’d tell me that I had to do what was right for me. That it would be an experience… That he was proud of me.”
“I know he’s proud of you. Dana, from what you told me you have a pretty kick ass family. No one is mad at you for being here. Your family will be there for your grandma.”
I was full on cried now, “Of course, I just think the world is a little worse off after losing a man like that.”
“That is absolutely true. But life is full of beginnings and endings, and as long as we still have people around that care as much as you, I think we’re not doing too shabby,” Andrew said wiping salty dampness from my eyes. I smiled up at him through misty eyelashes.
“Look,” Andrew whispered. A lighting bug alighted on a leaf in front of us. It paused for a long moment, blinking. “I’m not one to believe in signs, as you know. But that’s pretty cool.”
I held my hand out slowly. The lighting bug landed briefly on the back of my hand, blinked once, and flew off into the darkness. I watched until the light was completely swallowed by the darkness, gone back to where it belonged.
I stood up and extended my hand to Andrew. “Let’s go.”
Andrew stood and we made our way slowly back toward the cottage. I walked looking down at my feet, deep in thought. The breeze was cool against my face, my hair smelling slightly of salt from the ocean, the palms of my hands clammy. The waves played against the rocks in the distance. Tiny pebbles slipped under our footsteps, their soft scratches the only other noise in the still night air.
Andrew veered off the path at one point, and I barely noticed, trapped as I was in my thoughts. When we stopped moving, I looked up at him. He spread out his hands, telling me to look around. We were in a small, grassy clearing surrounded by shrubbery and trees. It seemed as if we were standing in the eye of the storm – a perfect circle flooded by moonlight. I could see Andrew’s eyes clearly, but I couldn’t read his thoughts. He pulled me in close, and I could smell the crisp sea air on his sweater.
“I think that I love you.” Andrew held me at arm’s length, staring into my eyes.
“I think that’s almost romantic,” I said with a shiver.
“I’m sorry,” Andrew said, his eyes darting, trying to decipher my response. “I know I love you.”
“I love you too, Andrew. I really, really do.”
Andrew’s eyes lit up, he leaned in and kissed me for a long moment. His hands ran through my hair, pulled my sweater off and encircled my waist. I lost track of what was happening. What I was supposed to be doing. I only knew it felt right.
My shirt came off. My breathing sped up, it felt rushed, urgent. Andrew kicked his shoes away, unfastening his belt in the process. I couldn’t take my hands off him, not for a second. I was afraid of losing the moment, the magic. I was soon completely naked, lying on my back with wild hair, the strands coated with a mixture of tears and ocean salt, my body warm to the touch despite the cool air. Andrew made eye contact, a long gaze, trying to sense if I was ready. I simply nodded. He took control, slowly, gently, and we made love under the stars.
Chapter Thirty Five
As I rose the next morning, I found myself back in the bed of the honeymoon suite, and the memories flooded back from the previous evening. I looked to my left and saw Andrew was already out of bed. Before I could stand, however, he walked in carrying a couple of coffee cups he’d found above the sink.
“Good morning,” he said kissing my cheek and lingering a second longer than usual.
“Hello.” I said my downturned eyes bordering upon shy. The embarrassment I thought would come, the shame, or at least guilt; it never showed up. I knew in my heart that somehow, everything was going to be okay. I squeezed Andrew’s hand.
“Let’s get a move on,” Megan walked in from an early morning stroll by the beach. “Can’t miss two trains in one weekend, people.”
I felt my face flush, sure the world knew the events of last night, but neither of the girls acknowledged my blush nor seemed to notice my fumbling movements. I relaxed after a few moments of normal conversation and packed in a rush.
When we arrived back in Milan, Emilia menti
oned offhandedly that we only had two weeks left as she lugged her bags down the train stairs. I pushed the thought out of my mind as fast as it’d entered. I kissed Andrew goodbye outside the metro station and went home with my friends, as he made his way to a different train. Just watching him walk away gave me a pinch of regret that we didn’t have more time together. It felt like we were just getting started.
Chapter Thirty Six
The next day at class, we heard lots of hype about the end of the year goodbye event. The party was a big to-do, complete with a live band of music students, catered food, and the gold mine; an open bar. It would be the last night everyone was scheduled to be together in Milan. Most people shipped out the morning after.
I was the exception; I had booked my ticket home for a week later than my end date, figuring I’d want to stay and travel. I had mixed feelings; I was looking forward to having some time on my own, but on the flip side I was hesitant to be in Italy without my network of friends. Andrew, Emilia, and Megan would all be leaving the morning after the event.
We piled out of class and gathered with mixed feelings; though we talked excitedly about the party, there was an undeniable sadness to the event. Bittersweet, a term whose definition had always eluded me, became frustratingly clear. I bid Andrew good-bye as I went home for dinner with Emilia and Megan, Maggie and Kimberly. We were having our personal goodbye dinner before the craziness of finals began.
Over a steaming pan of lasagna, my roommates pestered me about Andrew. I could only look deep into the layers of pasta and mumble, “I’m really not sure what’ll happen.”
“Well, are you still going to date?” Kimberly asked.
“I… no. I don’t think so. We live far away from each other.”
“So?” Kimberly asked.
“It’s not really my choice. To be honest I’ve never even considered long distance. I mean Andrew never really left it as an option.”
Kimberly scooped some sauce with her bread. “What do you want to do?”
I set down my fork. “I don’t know, okay? I have mixed feelings. I’ll miss him. A lot; but I don’t think it’ll work out.”