While pretending to look over the menu, I watched Jase and tried to remember why I wanted to marry this man. He was such a handsome, put together man, almost too perfect. Not one strand of hair stuck out of place, he was clean-shaven, and had an amazing smile. A perfect pencil tip dimple was drilled into his left cheek, but there was still something that wouldn’t allow me to let go of my unease, or rather someone.
Forcing reason, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Maybe there was never anything wrong with Jase. Maybe it was me? I was the one sitting there and trying my hardest to find things I liked about the man I was going to marry.
“You ready to order, babe?” Jase looked up from his menu, and I flinched just a tiny bit. That word, one little word that should have made me giddy, made me want to throw something.
The switch from baby to babe was recent, and it didn’t feel right. Still, I swallowed the reprimand and nodded. I was about to tell him my choice, because Jase was a man that needed to place a dinner order for himself as well as his fiancée.
Then the sound of his voice saying my name caused my heart and stomach to flutter. Standing in front of our table was RJ and his mother, Vicki.
“Addilyn, it’s so good to see you.”
I stood and gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you, too, Vicki.” I stepped out of her embrace. “RJ.” I barely looked at him when I said it and nodded, not wanting to do this right then . . . or ever. He did the same, and the way he held his eyes on me made me want to turn and run.
We must’ve been standing there in a stare off, because Jase stood and held his hand out to Vicki, making sure to put himself just slightly between RJ and me.
“Hello, Jase Ackermann, Addilyn’s fiancé.”
A barely audible hitch passed Vicki’s lips, but she forced a smile and carefully ribbed her son in the side. I didn’t think Jase saw the gesture, but I did.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Jase. I’m Vicki Watson, and this is my son RJ, Addie’s—”
“An old friend.”
My heart took a long pause. An old friend? Vicki looked at her son, who just raised one eyebrow and silently dared her to clarify. She didn’t.
“Dad’s got the flu and refused to let Mom miss out on her anniversary dinner, so he called me and asked if I’d escort her,” he explained in a flat voice.
I smiled. “Well that’s very kind of you,” I answered, keeping my eyes trained on Vicki.
“She deserves it. Have a nice dinner.” He took his mother’s arm, escorting her to their table. It didn’t escape my notice that RJ and Jase never shook hands. I looked over my shoulder and saw Vicki and RJ quietly bickering. RJ shook his head, and I caught a side glimpse of his lips, which were set in a hard line. He had become such a strange creature to understand.
“Old friend, huh?” I cringed as I sat down. Jase was obviously annoyed.
“Yeah, we went to high school together.” I never told Jase about RJ. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to talk about my past, but Jase never asked and I never brought it up. I truly believed that whatever RJ and I had was meant to be buried in the past.
Surprisingly, Jase was very entertaining throughout dinner. He talked about his part-time job for a physical therapist’s office and how he could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Almost as if it were expected, he asked me how things were going with my students and if I really thought that being a teacher was enough, or if I would still pursue my career dream of becoming a principal. I went into a lengthy conversation about how a teacher held the power to influence a child to choose a life path, to teach them the steps and tools they needed to find and stay on the path that best suited them, and how, in my opinion, it was imperative that these important lessons begin at a very young age.
By the time I was finished with my rant, Jase had already paid the bill and was collecting our coats. Our ride home was quiet, and after we pulled into my driveway, he shifted his car into park before turning to face me with apologetic eyes. I knew I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say.
“Hey, baby, I just got a text. They’re asking if I can come into work tomorrow. Somehow the schedule got under booked, and they could really use the help.”
“Again? Didn’t they do that to you a few weeks ago?” Not that it mattered since it always seemed to be something rushing him back home. The tiny sinister part of me wondered if his driving here was even worth the time he spent in the damn car.
“I know, but what do you want me to do?” I hated that he took an irritated tone with me.
“Well, whatever then.” I opened the car door. My right foot touched the pavement, and I turned back toward him. “Aren’t you going to come in and grab your things?”
Jase shook his head. “Didn’t bring anything in with me.”
Struggling to find the right words, I sat there with an obvious grimace. If he didn’t bring his bags in, then—
“Thank you for having dinner with me.” Jase pulled my neck closer and pressed a flat and lifeless kiss to my lips. I closed my eyes and fought the tears. I needed to find a way to protect my heart.
I nodded one last time, kissed his cheek, and slammed his car door, not bothering to watch him drive away before I went inside and got ready for bed. The man in that car was so far from the man I met years ago. In the beginning of our relationship, he was so attentive and loving. The little things he did made it effortless to fall in love with him. The late night calls asking if I wanted to sneak away and grab an ice cream. The walks around the park with mindless conversation, and the little weekend getaways all made it so easy.
But as more time passed, he made me feel as if I no longer held his attention. Was he tired of me? Was there someone else? Because it damn well felt as if there were someone else occupying his time and thoughts.
Did that make me just as bad as him? It seemed as if RJ was constantly in my thoughts. If I were being honest with myself, I would admit that it bothered me that Jase hadn’t asked but that one question. Did he not care, or did he think I was hiding something and didn’t want to cause a fuss? Ugh, I didn’t know. Or maybe it was me making excuses, knowing deep down my suspicions were starting to gain merit.
Air.
I needed fresh air.
Scooting my butt out of bed, I got up, got dressed, and ventured out into the night. Driving with no direction in mind, I listened to one song after another, letting each one remind me of something or another. Then, I turned down an old gravel road.
“You okay up there?” I popped the top off another beer. “I can’t believe this, can’t believe you’re gone, dude. How the fuck?”
This place held so many memories, which is why I didn’t come very often. I didn’t know why I was even there, but I was, and I was talking to my dead friend.
Yup, totally sane here, doc.
“I saw her again tonight. She was with that fucking douche pretty boy she’s supposed to marry.” I paused. “I just don’t get what she sees in him, dude, unless he takes really good care of her. I think Grace might have mentioned he’s some kind of doctor or something like that. I guess she always did deserve better.”
This would have been the part that he would have elbowed me, told me to man the fuck up, put my balls back where they belonged, and go and get the girl. Reclaim what was rightfully mine. This joke of a man she was with was a temporary distraction until she made her way back to me—where she damn right belonged. I chuckled at the thought. Even from beyond this life, Ty had my back.
After running into Addie and her tool of a fiancé tonight, I had gone home, but those walls felt even more cold and lonely that it made me want to reach for my meds. I hated that it was my first reaction to any kind of stress, so I made a decision. I wouldn’t allow myself to be numb any longer. I would go through the motions, feeling each and every emotion as it came, and I would deal with them the best I could without sinking.
To solidify my decision, I tipped that pill bottle over the toilet, emptying
its contents into the toilet and tossing it on the counter. It felt good to grab that control back, but I knew it wasn’t as easy as just getting rid of the meds. I took them for a reason, but they weren’t helping what was going on. They were just the Band‑Aid to get me through the day.
“What about Lilly, dude? She’s putting on her game face and trying to make everyone think she’s fine, but you know I call bullshi—” Headlights lit up the trees around me, and I turned to watch the road. It was late, and I couldn’t remember the last time I even saw someone else at this dock.
The small sedan came to a stop, the engine cut off, and a beautiful blonde came into view when the dome light came on.
How is it that she constantly finds me?
She slammed her car door, and I chugged my beer.
“You found me yet again.” My voice was soft and held no warmth, but I knew she was close enough to hear me. I didn’t know if I was so angry because it was her interrupting my drinking or if I was still pissed from seeing her earlier. It didn’t matter—mad was mad.
“It’s not as if I was looking for you.” Why did her voice have to be so damn beautiful?
I hesitated before I looked over my shoulder, and when I did, she was using the side of the truck as her barrier again. Her pretty blue eyes narrowed, and then she drew out a long breath. This time, I was forced to look away. Those eyes held the power to bring me to my knees, time and distance be damned.
“Isn’t it strange how we keep running into one another?” she asked, almost as if the thought was curious.
It wasn’t strange, though. We knew the same people, hung out at the same places, and shopped at the same stores. If it weren’t for my avoiding . . . everything, we probably would have been running into each other everywhere. I didn’t say any of that. I just nodded in agreement, cracked open another beer, and held it stretched out in a silent offering. She shocked the shit out of me when she actually accepted it.
When I finally gathered enough of my balls back to look at her, I clocked two things: she wasn’t wearing her engagement ring and she still had her tattoo on her pinky finger. After all these years, I thought she would have had it covered up or even removed.
“What brings you by? No boyfriend with you?” I chanced a glance over at her car.
She shrugged, staring out at the water. “Couldn’t sleep.”
I didn’t miss the fact that she didn’t reply to my snarky comment. “Same here.”
“So, I see you never graduated to drinking a real man’s beer?” She tried to bite back her smirk as she looked at the label before taking a small swig.
I shrugged. “Can’t help that I stick to the things I love.” I hated dealing her a low blow, but after seeing her with that asshole tonight, she kind of deserved it.
We sat there in silence after that, the only thing breaking it was the occasional shift of the wind and the crickets chirping as we drank beer like when we were teenagers. I grabbed the little remote I had set to the side of me and pressed play, immediately scrambling to turn the volume down when Guns and Roses started banging out of the speakers.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked effortlessly. I almost expected her not to answer me, but then her lips pulled into a small smile.
She studied me for a second. “A lot of things actually.”
“Care to elaborate?”
She nibbled at her bottom lip. In turn, I had to fight back everything in me to not grab her by the neck, pull her against me, and devour those pretty bubble gum lips.
Addie’s eyes fluttered closed, and it looked as if she were in deep thought before she spoke. “Remember that night we thought Tyler had drowned?”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I do.” My eyes found that Yellowwood tree where we had hung a rope swing one year. “We were so damn lit . . . well, Ty and me were. He said he wanted to ‘fly through the sky.’ I guess the alcohol really made him believe his mama’s words that he never could keep his feet on the ground.”
Addie giggled, and the sound touched somewhere deep in my chest.
“I didn’t realize it back then, but the two of you used to drink a lot for people who were underage.” She took a sip. “I really miss him and Lilly and all those good times we all had together, you know?” She was looking at me, but she was off in another time still.
“I do. I miss all that, too.” There was no use in lying. I did miss it, and I owed it to myself to start admitting it. Still, I needed distance, otherwise I would do something foolish, so I hopped off the tailgate and put a few more feet of distance between us.
“How have you been?” she asked, and I took a second to think about it.
Addie was the only one, besides Lilly, who would understand just how messed up Tyler’s death left me. She was probably the only one, if given the chance, who could help me through it. That is, if I didn’t want to rely on anxiety meds or self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life.
“There’s something I should say to you first.” She set her beer down, and her expression turned almost wary.
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the last six and a half years. All of it, for not keeping my end of the deal to visit or call . . . for giving up so easily.” I truly felt remorse for harboring all this negative shit. Years wasted, and for what? When I looked back up, she was wiping away a tear. “No, don’t cry.” I rushed to step closer to her, “Please, I just needed to apologize for everything.” Addie swallowed and nodded, letting me know she was okay. “I never wanted any of this to happen.”
“RJ,” she whispered, “If it’s worth anything, I’m sorry, too. I should have never left the way I did. I could have handled us a little better, and for that, I’m truly sorry.”
“We were young, Addie. I don’t think either of us handled the situation the right way.” I knew I was the one who started this conversation, but I wasn’t ready to tell her just how hard everything had been for me. I couldn’t admit just how far I had fallen.
As if she could still read me like she had all those years ago, she picked up the beer I left next to her and held it out to me—topic closed. I accepted the drink and took my seat next to her.
“It’s been a real struggle, some days it’s hard to live knowing that Ty is dead and I’ll never see him again. He helped me a lot after—” I caught myself before diving into a totally different conversation I wasn’t quite ready for. “My brother has been a big help,” I admitted.
“Have you been by his gravesite at all?”
I shook my head. “I tried once. Drove right past and came here instead. It doesn’t feel like he’s there. It’s easier to talk to him here.”
A sad smile pulled at Addie’s lips, and I was thankful she was here listening. I didn’t think anyone else would completely understand like she would.
“Have you?” I asked.
“No. Not yet. I don’t know how to handle all this. I never had to experience anyone close to me dying.” She looked away but not fast enough to hide a look of pain in her eyes. “Maybe we could go together sometime.” She was so cautious when she asked, but damn if it didn’t give me a bit of hope.
Friendships take time, trust has to be earned, more so when it was a second chance.
With that seed of hope, a boldness came over me, and I wanted to pull her into my arms, love her, comfort her, and tell her that I still loved her—but I didn’t. Instead, my eyes traveled to her left hand. Curiosity and stupidity got the better of me.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” She sat up straight, nodded, and tucked her hands in the front pocket of her hoodie. “Is there a reason why you only wear your engagement ring sometimes?” She blinked a few times, looking thoughtful as she tried to discreetly check her finger inside her pocket.
“I didn’t realize I wasn’t wearing it. I kind of came here in a rush.” She bit her lip, and I knew right then that she was lying.
“But what about the night of your birthday? You weren’t wearing it then either.
” I wouldn’t bring up the slightly stalker behavior of watching her dance with that guy who obviously wasn’t her fiancé.
She gave me a tight smile. “I’m engaged not dead. I’m allowed to dance with other people.”
“He doesn’t care? Because when you were mine—”
“Stop.” She huffed, clearly irritated. When she shook her head and stood, I panicked and wanted to pull her in my arms and apologize all over again.
“It’s just that it seems like you don’t wear it a lot.” I tried to defuse her anger, but she rolled her eyes and started for her car.
“Addie, wait! I’m sorry.” I chased after her.
Before she could pull her car door open, I gently grabbed her elbow to stop her. “Addie, will you please stop.” She did but spun on her heels and glared at me.
“What the hell kind of question is that, RJ?” She stood there in all of her beauty.
A look of pure anger trembled through her, and I kept my eyes on her hands, waiting—anticipating the moment when it would make contact with my face. Lord knew I deserved it.
“I’m sorry. Shit. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”
“That’s right, you shouldn’t have,” she spat. “You think all you have to do is apologize and that’s it! By some divine intervention, we’re miraculously the best of friends. We hang out, drink a beer, and everything goes back to how it was in high school where we didn’t have a care in the world before I screwed this whole damn thing up by leaving the way I did?” She threw her hands up. “You have no idea how much I regret about that day, about my choices, but there’s a lot you don’t know either. Whether I wear my ring or not doesn’t change the fact that I’m engaged, and I really resent that you would question it.”
“Breathe, Addie,” I whispered and took her wrists in my hands before pulling them against my chest. Her breath hitched, and she closed her eyes. “Addie, I really am sorry. Please forgive me for overstepping. Please.” I spoke softly, close to her ear. “I’m not sure what came over me, but I didn’t mean anything by it. I promise.”
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