After staying up and dissecting each word of the barely there conversation with Jase, I told myself while I’m visiting Charleston during spring break, we were going to set aside some time to talk. By the time the break was over, I wanted to at least have a date set. There was no real way to make solid wedding plans without a date. Then if things didn’t pan out or feel the same, I would try to find a way to see if this was what he still wanted—if I was what he still wanted.
But today on this beautiful and early Sunday morning, all that could wait. I had a better idea.
I hit the drive‑thru for pancakes and showed up at RJ’s house at seven‑thirty in the morning bearing breakfast.
A slow release of happiness filled me as I walked up to his doorstep. No matter how many times I warned myself to be careful not to blur the friendship lines, something inside me was on a constant battle with my common sense. Then I reminded . . . or more like convinced . . . myself that we were here to help each other cope with the death of a very dear friend. I had to make sure I was aware of and playing by my own rules.
I ended up having to press the doorbell with my elbow since my hands were full. When no one answered, I looked around, making sure his truck was in the driveway, which it was. The door opened, and I turned back around with a huge smile on my face. It dropped the second I saw who was standing in the doorway.
Lilly.
Her hair was a mess, and she was in a T-shirt that looked like one of RJ’s.
I swallowed hard, but Lilly yawned then smiled. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“Lils, is someone at the door?” RJ, who was wearing nothing but a towel, walked out from the hallway. His hair was still dripping from his shower.
In a split second, I felt like my heart surged back up into my chest and squeezed itself to death.
“Addie—” I heard RJ say then stopped.
Not knowing what else to do, but terrified I may burst into tears, I smiled and held up my offerings. “I brought breakfast. I thought the kids might be hungry for pancakes?”
He shook his head. “Grace came by late last night. Said she couldn’t sleep without her kids home.”
Lilly stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her.
“Never mind, I should go anyway.” I mumbled, turned around, and concentrated on not stepping on any cracks in the walkway.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Addilyn. Mae. Montgomery, shame on you,” Lilly chastised, the disappointment in her voice seized my steps and left me standing frozen on the spot. I couldn’t face her. How could she? How could my best friend run to my boyfr—Shit! What was I thinking?
“Are you for real right now?” Lilly paused. “You’re seriously thinking that RJ and I . . .” She didn’t have to finish her question for me to know exactly what she was talking about. Unmoving, I honed in on the sound of the front door opening again.
“Addie, what’s going on?” RJ’s voice shook.
“RJ, will you give us a minute, please?” Lilly asked, sternly but kindly. I could only imagine the confused look he had on his handsome face.
My mind flashed to minutes ago. His almost black hair damp from the shower, his skin dripping with water droplets, and the V that disappeared into his towel were burned into my mind. The boy I used to love had turned into a man that I was having a hard time staying away from.
“Sure,” he agreed, but it was a full minute until I heard the door open and close behind him.
Lilly and I stood there in the quiet of the morning, the only sound coming from a nearby bird singing an early spring melody.
“You do realize that my husband—RJ’s best friend—is dead, right?” Her voice was laced in revulsion. The emphasis she put on the word “dead” caused an unwelcome shiver to pass through me. I nodded, my back still facing her. “Did it ever occur to you that I might need someone to talk to? That I may need a friend? That RJ might be the only one who I felt comfortable talking to? That he was the only one who truly understood what I was going through?”
My heart did a rapid free fall before her words made me feel less than two feet tall. I shook my head slowly and batted at the few tears that fell. I hadn’t taken a second to think about Lilly. Then, the first time I saw her after the funeral, this was what I did? I was the worst type of selfish and self‑centered.
“You of all people,” her voice seemed to closer as she spoke, “you! My very best friend in the entire world, go and make up that kind of bullshit in that pretty little head of yours.” I felt her closing in on me. “One of the smartest people I’ve ever known, and you come up with one of the stupidest and most ridiculous idiotic ideas. It’s un‑freaking‑believable.”
I swallowed a few deep breaths.
She stated a very valid point.
The right words failed to save me. I stood there, ashamed, and I did the only thing I could think to do, which was probably the last thing in the world I should have done. I walked to the end of the driveway, threw the food into the trashcan, and got into my car. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her.
The drive home was a complete blur.
The second I was safely inside my house, I dropped my purse and collapsed against the door. I was such a horrible person to think that my best friend would ever betray me. I knew Lilly didn’t have a malicious bone in her body. There was no real explanation for why I had come to that conclusion. Not a single one other than my own jealousy. And that was what it was. I would never say it aloud, and I could only barely admit it to myself, but that was what it was.
Sitting there with my eyes closed and the back of my head pressed against the door, another slew of memories of the four of us flooded my mind. Hanging out at the beach, random nights riding around town with no real destination in mind, the night we got matching couples tattoos, so many thoughts crept up.
The sound of tires screeching and a door slamming had my eyes popping wide open. Heavy footsteps whacking the porch got closer, and I braced my hands to the floor and back to the door.
“Addie!” RJ pounded on the front door. “Open up.”
Not being able to form words, I shook my head against the door.
“Addie, please,” he begged, and I felt the thump before I heard it.
Getting up to see what was happening on the other side, I peeked through the peephole. RJ’s strong chest came into view, and I scurried back a few steps.
“Can I talk to you, please?” I shook my head again, this time trying to form words past the growing lump in my throat. “Addie.” He sounded deflated when he said my name.
I pressed my palm to the door. “I can’t do this, RJ.”
“Will you please open the damn door so I can talk to you?” He slapped the door.
“No.” I choked. “You should leave.” I couldn’t take the chance of not having a barrier between us. I already proved that I couldn’t trust myself alone with him and that I didn’t think straight when he was around.
Another thump sounded, then another, and then footsteps. I peeked through the peephole one more time, and my heart took a nosedive as RJ walked away. Relieved and heartbroken, I turned and slid back down to the floor.
I got one minute to wallow in my own misery before my cell rang, which I really didn’t want to answer. If it was Jase calling, I didn’t have the energy to talk to him. If it was RJ calling, I didn’t have the guts to answer. So, I sat there staring at my purse as my phone rang and rang and rang some more. By the fifth or sixth round of calls, I cracked.
“Hello.” I hesitated.
“Why did you think Lilly and I . . .” RJ’s voice trailed off, and I waited.
“I didn’t know what to think. It’s not even my business to think anything! It’s just that I saw her and I saw you and I guess I just assumed the most logical. I was wrong. I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and waited for his reply.
“Addie,” he said my name with caution. “I hope you know that there was never, and will never be, anything between Lilly and I besides friendship. She
was, and always will be, Ty’s.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
When I stood and looked through the opening again, I never expected to see RJ sitting on the front step. His back was toward me, but even without being able to see his face, I could tell he was upset just by the slump in his shoulders. We were adults who should be able to talk things out. But this was RJ, and he could possibly do colossal damage to my heart.
“Lilly was having a hard time last night. She stopped by a little after the kids left . . . she really misses you.”
“I miss her, too.” I whispered and brushed a lone tear away. I had missed her since the day she left for college and I never saw her again.
“Then come back over. Come sit and talk.”
“I can’t.”
“Please don’t pick up and walk away again. I know you have someone else, and I’ll work harder to respect that, but I need you, too.”
The crack in his voice echoed the crack in my chest, and I stifled a sob. I couldn’t do this right now. “I’m going to Charleston for a week. I’ll talk to you later,” I said and hung up.
I need you, too, weighed heavily on my mind while I sat there overwhelmed. How would I go about being the friend that RJ needed, the fiancée I was to Jase, and the Addilyn I had set out to be? To sum it all up, I had no idea who she was lately.
A text from Jase had me scooting up off the floor.
Jase: I have to work longer than I expected today. Can’t wait to see you.
I love you, babe!
His last word wiped the smile off my face, and I shoved my phone into my pocket. Then, determination flooded me, and I pushed my slight irritation back, rushed to my bedroom, and went straight to the closet before pulling down my suitcase. I shoved clothes and footwear blindly into the bag.
As I strode to my bathroom to collect my toiletries, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and made a phone call.
“Hello,” my mom answered.
“Hey, I thought I’d call and let you know I’m heading over to Jase’s a few days early.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. I hope you have a nice time in Charleston. Call me when you get there so I know you made it safely.”
“I will . . . I love you, Mom.” My throat became thick with emotion.
“Addilyn, are you all right?”
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “I’m okay, Mama, just tired. I really could use a week away.” I didn’t consider visiting Jase a getaway, but I didn’t need her worrying, either.
“Call me the minute you arrive and try to relax.”
“I will, talk to you soon.”
“Talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
I double‑checked the windows and doors, making sure they were secure, and then told myself to hurry as I slowly dragged my body out of the house. By the time I made it onto I‑95, my thoughts began drifting and my road trip seemed oddly familiar. Only this time, someone would eventually be there when I arrived.
Close to an hour into the drive, I rolled my window down halfway and shut the radio off. I needed the sound of the wind blowing, swooshing through my ears in hopes of drowning out all the jumbled noise in my head. By the time the sun initiated its descent over the horizon, I asked myself how I got this far.
I had no real recollection of the route I took, if the traffic was light or heavy, but it took me about an hour longer than it should have to get to his house. He wasn’t home, which wasn’t surprising. The man worked too damn hard, and I never called him to tell him I was coming early. Honestly, I had no clue what time he would show up, but I would wait with dinner on the stove and a bottle of wine chilled in the fridge. I parked my car off to the left of the house and sat for a minute. With the window still down, I could smell the salt in the breeze and hear the faint sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. I stepped out of my car and headed for the beach. It was only about two in the afternoon, so I had more time than I knew what to do with.
When I reached the sand, I slipped off my sandals and looked around. Only a few people traipsed about, which was in part due to the chilly temperature. A young couple was on a leisurely stroll, cuddling into each other. A man threw a Frisbee along the shoreline for his golden retriever to catch.
Settling in a quiet spot by a dune, I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my sweater tighter around my body. I didn’t think there would ever be a time when being on a beach didn’t remind me of RJ. I smiled to myself and tucked my chin against my knees. I couldn’t even escape him here.
I didn’t know how long I sat there, but when I pulled myself to my feet, the sun had dipped lower in the sky. Rather than going around to the front of the house, I opted for the back sliding door that faced the beach, which Jase carelessly left unlocked more times than he cared to admit.
I stepped in and set my purse on the table next to the two wine glasses.
Two glasses.
My heart gave a painful little sputter as my eyes landed on the plate of half‑eaten strawberries sitting next to the empty bottle. My chest tightened as I took in the way the throw pillows and one of the leather seat cushions lay haphazardly across the floor.
Then, as if I were standing in the middle of the freeway counting down the seconds until the car barreling at high speed collided into me, I saw the used condom on the floor. My heart stopped in my chest, shattering into dust as the distinct sound of a woman’s loud moans infiltrated through my ears.
No.
I shook my head, trying to clear out the ridiculous thoughts, but they wouldn’t budge.
So, I took a deep breath and moved toward the noises that were coming from the bathroom. I stopped just outside the door. I had no idea what I was even doing.
My head began to spin.
I listened to the sounds that could only be those of shower sex—wet skin slapping against wet skin, the soft squeak of a hand trying to gain traction on a glass enclosure. I inhaled two deep breaths, exhaled each one slowly, and then pushed open the door.
There were two people in the shower. Jase was ramming hard thrusts into a woman from behind, and a fire‑hot rage ignited in me, engulfing every crevice down to the depth of my soul.
I blinked.
My eyes burned.
The fire from within grew at a rapid rate before I roared out at the top of my lungs, startling the two screw bags. “WHAT IN THE FUCKING. HELL. IS. GOING. ON?” My hands balled into tight fists, and my chest burned from the force at which I used to spit the words out, but at least they stopped fucking.
“Shit! Fuck! Shit!” Jase cursed, shutting the water off. The woman’s jet‑black hair veiled her face, not that I wanted to see it. “Addie!” He was already sliding the shower door open, his limp dick slapping the side of his thigh.
“Fucking disgusting,” I spat. “You are a no good fucking pig. I can’t believe you.” I had never in my life wanted to hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt those two fuckers. Instead of throwing something or screaming again, I turned on my heels and walked the fuck out of the bathroom.
I made it as far as the kitchen table before I snapped. I grabbed the empty wine bottle by the neck and took a swing. Wine glasses shot across the room, and it felt good knowing all the backyard lessons from my brother, who grew up to be a professional baseball player, were useful.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Jase roared from a safe distance in the hallway as I took another swing. This time, I managed to crack the end off the wine bottle as I smashed the plate of strawberries.
Pussy.
If he were smart, he would keep himself and his little fuck buddy behind enemy lines.
“Don’t you dare ask me what the fuck I’m doing! What the fuck are you doing, fucking that . . . that—” I screamed and got a good look at the woman who was wrapped in a towel. She was standing next to Jase, a condescending smirk pulled at her lips. It was Jazmin‑Michelle, Johanna’s cousin. The woman I briefly met at one of Craig and Johanna’s outlandish house part
ies.
“You fucking slut!” I charged toward them with the broken wine bottle raised high, ready to strike.
“This is why you would get mixed up calling me babe and baby, isn’t it, you fucking asshole?” My face flamed red hot as I yelled at Jase, but I pinned my death glare on the bitch standing behind him.
“Whoa! Addie, stop right there.” Jase said, stepping in front of his slut with his hands held high.
“Oh, fuck you, and fuck your bitch.” I sucked back and literally spit in his face. “I fucking hate you. How could you . . . after all this time,” I seethed, spinning around and pitched the already broken bottle at the wall, not giving a shit what else I broke. It was the engagement picture of Jase and me. Good. I hope he cut himself cleaning it up. Asshole.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. On my way, I spotted the Whyte & Mackay on the counter, grabbed it with one hand, flipped him off with the other, and then walked the fuck out.
After leaving a quarter of my tires on Jase’s driveway, I drove until I pulled up to a Dairy Queen and jammed my car into park. Without looking, I twisted the cap off the bottle of whiskey and wrapped my lips around it. I didn’t care that I was drinking two thousand dollar booze right from the bottle as I swallowed . . . and swallowed . . . until my stomach threatened to burn up.
Jase was cheating on me.
The little voice in my head mocked me for not seeing it sooner. It whispered that the signs had all been there, but I was too stupid to see them. I snorted and took another small drink, this time cautious of the way my stomach rolled a bit. I was not going to add throwing up in my car as the cherry on top of my day.
Not knowing what else to do, I called Evin.
“And what do I owe the pleasure of this call?” She answered, and a sob heaved its way through my lips. “Addie?”
“Ev. . . I hate him. I hate him like I’ve never hated anyone in my life, and don’t get me started on that bitch. What the fuck were they thinking anyway—”
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