by Tanya Mindo
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Zoe is aware that it isn’t fun. She’s always anxious about whether she has hurt someone’s feelings with her actions and her words. She constantly worries if she’s annoying or boring. She doesn’t want to be disliked.
Is she happy? Probably not. But she’s trying.
“Well I guess nothing is truly easy,” he mutters, pressing the brakes of his bicycle. She does the same.
“…But you just learn to live with it.”
They arrive at the dorm. She recalls that Kaito needs to park on a different side so they will need to use dissimilar entrances. Kaito runs his fingers through his hair as he spins to look back at Zoe.
His eyes are rueful. Zoe gets a prickling sensation along the back of her neck.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before Zoe’s phone suddenly beeps. She checks her watch. It is 10:30 PM.
“Zoe,” Kaito calls, his voice somber.
She raises her chin.
“Just a tip. Take control of your own life and just… Live.”
Despite the distance, she notices his wistful gaze. As if he is remembering something from the past.
She can’t figure Kaito out. He asks questions about her and he listens to her, but he hasn’t said much about himself.
He rekindles Zoe’s curiosity that has stayed dormant for a long time.
“Good night, Zoe,” he says, then he cycles away. She silently watches him as he vanishes from her sight. She reads Seth’s message afterward. He says it is up to her if she wants to stay or not.
She lets out a harsh breath.
It pisses her off that he replied so late. He made her anxious.
She should have stayed, but she is home now. It’s too late.
The next three days were hectic but manageable. Zoe had to fix her insurance which took her almost two hours to finish since she had to look for an interpreter. She wished Kaito was there. Nevertheless, she was glad that it was over. Afterward, she attended another orientation with Jesse, and then finally, she signed up for classes.
She has been cooking her meals. She still burns some of the eggs and messes up her corn soup, but she is improving.
Her parents always call to check up on her. They’ve become less anxious as the days go by. Zoe can tell because Ma seems more relaxed ever since she told them about her new set of ‘friends’.
Her parents are also planning to go on a vacation together like what Zoe wanted. They dedicated their lives to raising her. It is time to let go and enjoy themselves.
She often chats with Seth whenever she is available. Or more like when he is. He seems preoccupied all the time and a bit grouchier, too. Zoe wants to ask if something is going on, but she decides against it. Once more, she ignores the signs.
We’re okay. He’s just stressed out because of his undergraduate thesis and nothing more.
Zoe is fixing her dirty clothes in the hamper when she notices the old tree in front of her bedroom window. The cherry blossoms have started to bloom. It rained for the past few days, so she didn’t notice that the branches were growing flowers.
The pink flowers are sprouting so beautifully. A smile crosses her face.
Spring has arrived.
Looking down, she sees Kaito riding his bicycle and exiting the premises. She hasn’t spoken to him in a while. Their last conversation crosses her mind. She reckons the way his eyes appeared pensive and his voice, tender… Longing.
All of a sudden, her Skype account receives a call. She returns to her desk and immediately answers the call after seeing the ID. It is Elle.
“Hi you, how’s it going?” she says cheerfully.
But Elle’s eyes are puffy and red.
Zoe gasps. “What happened?”
She carries her laptop to her bed and then lies on her stomach. Elle begins to sob.
“Elle, what happened to you?”
“Zoe, I feel like Connor wants to break up with me,” she mutters between sobs. “He’s cold and distant. We even fight over the smallest things.”
“What? But you seemed fine before I left.”
Were there signs? She can’t remember. She feels even horrified at the thought of being oblivious. Maybe she was overly concerned about herself that she didn’t detect that Elle was unhappy.
Elle shakes her head, wiping the tears away. “We weren’t. We’ve already been struggling for over two months. It’s exhausting.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
Elle attempts to smile but fails. “I didn’t want to ruin your mood.”
“Elle…” Zoe utters, upset. But this isn’t about her.
With a sigh, she says, “You matter too, alright? Is there anything I can do? Should I talk to him?”
“No, don’t. It’s okay,” Elle pleads, still crying. “I just want to talk to you. Do you think I did something wrong? Am I not enough?”
Zoe lets out a sharp breath. “No way!”
Elle is pretty, smart, and is always supportive of Connor. They have been together for two years, and Zoe has never seen them fight like this.
“You’re the perfect girlfriend. Do you remember anything that could have made him upset?” Zoe hates seeing Elle cry. It’s like being punched in the gut. “Just ask him what’s going on. You need to talk to him. Communicate.”
“I’m trying, but he never gives me a straight answer. He always says that he’s tired and busy. But we’re all tired and busy. It’s senior year.”
She rubs her eyes with her sleeves. “But yeah, I should probably talk to him again. I just want this charade to end. If he wants to break up… Then we’ll just break up.”
“Will you be okay?”
Elle gives a mirthless laugh. “Probably not. But I quit, Zoe. I don’t think I deserve to be treated like this.”
Zoe studies Elle’s face, and she sees her resolve. She is in pain, yet she knows what she has to do.
Seth’s image enters her mind and for a moment, she wonders if she can do the same as well.
Am I strong enough to hear what he has to say?
Elle forces a smile. “Anyway, how about you, Zoe? How are you?”
Zoe sighs before answering. “I’m starting to adjust. I met a few friends. Classes will begin in two days.”
She pinches her nose bridge, squeezing her eyes shut. “Elle, I’m sorry I can’t be there.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll be alright. There are just way too many requirements and exams to take care of, so I’m overwhelmed.”
Zoe talks to Elle for a few more minutes before they say goodbye. Elle needs to leave for school. Zoe feels like she has to do something for her, but being away makes it impossible.
She ponders for a bit before deciding to call Seth. There is a low chance for him to pick up, so she is surprised that he does after two rings.
“Hi,” she mutters softly. She hasn’t heard Seth’s voice in a while. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you before calling.”
He is brushing his teeth.
“Are you going to school?”
He nods and gestures for Zoe to wait. A few seconds later, he returns with a towel to wipe his face.
“What’s up?”
“Well… You didn’t reply to my last message.”
Which was last night.
“Sorry,” he says nonchalantly. “It’s midterms and we have so many requirements. I’m also playing for the college basketball team.”
It pinches her heart. The urge to accuse him of being unfair is strong, but she needs him now.
“No, it’s fine,” she lies. “I’ve been busy, too.”
He leans back in his chair, brows drawn closer. “So… What’s going on? You look upset.”
“Elle and Connor are on the rocks now. Did you know that?”
Seth moves closer to the screen and rests his chin on his left palm. “Why? What’s up?”
Zoe shrugs. “I’m not sure. She said Connor’s being distant lately… Will you look out for Elle? Try to cheer he
r up or something.”
Seth rubs his nape. “Oh, so that’s why I haven’t seen them together in a while…”
Zoe clasps her fingers together. “Yes, so can you please hang out with her? At least until she’s cleared things with Connor.”
Seth looks away from the screen. “Connor’s also my friend, and he’s my basketball team mate.”
Zoe remarks the disinterest in his tone, and it irks her.
Calmly, she pleads, “Elle is your friend, too. And since you’re always with Connor, you have the perfect opportunity to ask him what’s up.”
Seth heaves a sigh. “Fine. I’ll try.”
“Thanks, Seth.”
He changes the topic. “So… Are you going out today?”
“I’m unsure.”
“Fine. Let me know.”
It sounded like an order. But Zoe ignores the unpleasant feeling it gave her and replies, “Okay.”
Seth bids goodbye since he’s also going to school. Zoe turns her laptop off and then she lies on her bed. She stares at the ceiling—mind blank. She closes her eyes.
But she can’t take a nap. She is concerned about Elle.
Helpless, she decides to take a walk outside. She hasn’t gone out to see the tourist spots so far. Maybe she’ll visit them as soon as classes start.
She steps out of the building. The temperature is still the same. She jams her hands into her black parka’s pockets. As expected, there is nobody in sight. The Mitaka dormitory is always empty except for the common hall and laundry rooms.
At least 80% of students who reside in Mitaka are locals, and the majority of them are boys. The gender inequality is conspicuous.
She crosses the street and turns left. There is a park nearby she’s been wanting to check out.
Zoe ascends the stone stairs, her hair falling on her face. She pants after a few steps and chastises herself for not getting enough exercise. Soon, she reaches the peak. Looking down, there is an open area where kids ride their bicycles, while their parents walk behind them. The sight is refreshing. She walks towards the nearest bench, sits, and observes how the parents teach their kids to cycle.
Out of nowhere, she remembers Kaito’s words: “Take control of your life and just… Live.”
Zoe blows out of her cheeks, mulling over her past decisions.
She applied to this exchange program. She chose a different path—a path that isn’t usually chosen. Despite her parents’ and Seth’s appeals, she took action. She made this happen.
Just live.
For Zoe, she is living. But not as freely as Kaito. She believes there is a justified reason for it. They are different people.
But how different are they exactly?
She wants to know more about Kaito so she can explain why she can’t just be like him in a snap of a finger.
She sighs as she takes her phone out and sends Seth a message. She scrolls through their messages. They speak less. And truth be told, even though she is happy with where she is, she misses him a lot.
But does he miss me too?
She inserts her phone back into her right pocket.
Of course, he does. He does.
She throws her head back and gazes at the blue sky. Clouds are forming various shapes. Zoe attempts to clear her head, but her thoughts run back to Seth.
How long has it been since we said that we like each other?
She sighs sadly because she doesn’t know the answer.
It is overcast and cold. She has slowly gotten used to the chilly temperature. She loves the serenity of her surroundings.
Still, her mind isn’t at peace.
Her only class on Monday is Japanese, and there are just fifteen students in the room. She sits next to Margaux, a tall, blond woman from Switzerland, who speaks fluent French and English. The Japanese teacher, who goes by the name Shibuya-sensei, lectures about basic greetings and self-introduction. Everyone repeats whatever she says and copies whatever she writes on the board.
Zoe has bad Japanese penmanship. The strokes look ugly. It will take some practice. The other students seem to have a hard time as well. Before leaving the room, she hears some of them saying that they will drop the class.
There is no way Zoe will drop Japanese. It’s challenging and fun, and she wants to know more so she won’t need to depend so much on Kaito.
A habit she can’t break easily, she heads straight to the co-op store inside the campus to buy the Genki textbook. The store is filled with university students because it offers cheaper food and school materials. Unfortunately, she is unable to find the book right away because first, she can’t read Japanese, and second, she is short so she can’t look at the upper parts of the shelves. She tiptoes and extends her neck, but she still can’t see where the Genki textbook is.
She grunts.
“Need help?” She half-turns to see Zhi Ming grinning at her.
“Oh! Hi, Zhi Ming.”
“Hi, Zoe. Long-time no see. What are you looking for?”
“I need the Genki textbook, here,” she says, showing him the syllabus.
“Oh, it’s just right here.” Zhi Ming walks to the shelf next to where she is looking and picks up an orange textbook.
“Perfect. Thanks, Zhi Ming.” She flips the pages of the textbook.
“No problem,” he says. “I’m going to have lunch with Kaito. Wanna join us?”
“Okay, sure,” she answers.
Zoe pays for the book and then walks to the cafeteria with Zhi Ming. Kaito is waiting in front.
He waves his hand at her. She smiles.
Kaito is happy to see Zoe. He’s often in the common hall, but she never shows up. He doesn’t have her number and social media isn’t really his thing, so his only option is to knock on her building’s third-floor door.
And that isn’t something he’ll do.
The three of them join the queue. Zhi Ming is in front of Zoe, while Kaito stands behind her.
“How’s your first class?” Kaito asks.
“I only have Japanese today,” she replies. “It was fun. It’s basic Japanese so I guess I can pass it.”
“Sugoi ne,” Kaito mutters. “That means ‘awesome’. You should just come to me for Japanese classes. It’s free of charge.”
She rolls her eyes. “How about your class?”
“Nothing special. International business,” Kaito replies indifferently.
The European girl who sat next to him just scrolled through her Instagram feed the entire class. He couldn’t blame her because the course seemed a little boring, but since it was only the first day, Kaito suspended his judgment.
“Are you going home after lunch then?”
“I am.”
“What? Why? Let’s hang out.”
“And go where?”
“Where would you like to go? I still have one class but—”
Before Zoe can answer, she is next in line.
She tries her best to explain to the server what she wants to get but fails spectacularly. The lady stares at her blankly, waiting and confused.
Zoe’s cheeks redden in shame.
“What would you like?” Kaito asks.
“Umm… Just a small serving of curry.”
Kaito takes a step closer and points to the curry in front of the lady and says, “Sono kare o kudasai.”
The lady prepares her curry and places it on Zoe’s tray.
Zoe secretly grimaces at herself. She can’t deny that having Kaito by her side has made a lot of things easier.
Kaito and Zhi Ming order ramen.
The three of them sit next to the glass window at the corner of the cafeteria, with Zoe sitting between Zhi Ming and Kaito. The boys immediately gobble down their ramen, while Zoe takes little bites of her curry.
“How is it?” Kaito asks.
“It’s different from what we have back home, but it’s good.”
It is the beginning of club recruitments and the preparation for the university festival. A group of guy
s carrying posters pass by. They are inviting students to join the men’s archery club.
Kaito glimpses at Zoe and asks, “Are you joining any clubs?”
“I can join?”