by Tanya Mindo
Kaito’s lips twitch into a grin. “All the people that you love, love you back. They love you enough to stay. So you’re lucky.”
Kaito thinks it will be better to stop talking, to be honest. He dislikes being sentimental. He has always tried to conceal whatever he’s feeling in fear that people will think that he can’t handle his emotions.
Because I can, he thought.
However, with Zoe, he sees a certain connection he has never felt for anyone else. They aren’t alike. But she is easy to talk to, and her genuine reactions and innocence draw him closer to her.
She just seems so real.
“I mean, what do you think? You didn’t choose to fall for Seth, right? You just did. But you are staying with him because you made that decision.”
“Yes.”
“And you’re even luckier because he also chooses to stay.”
“I think so…”
Kaito frowns at Zoe’s reluctance. She seems confused. Maybe he didn’t explain his point properly.
“You think so?”
She clears her throat. “Um, I mean I haven’t thought about it… When I started to date Seth, it didn’t feel like I was making a deliberate decision. We were good friends, then he asked me out. It just felt like… It was the appropriate thing to do.”
Kaito doesn’t know how to take what she said. He becomes intrigued.
Meanwhile, Zoe immediately regrets what came out of her mouth.
Fantastic word choice. Appropriate? Seriously?
“Interesting,” Kaito says but decides not to dig deeper.
What would he get out of it?
He glimpses at Zoe who appears flustered. Maybe he struck a heartstring.
“You sound like an expert,” Zoe suddenly utters, shifting the topic away from her. “Have you been in a relationship before?”
Kaito snorts then responds, “Nah. I am just a silent observer.”
“Nosy observer,” Zoe murmurs unbelievingly. Kaito chuckles.
“Why do you sound so cynical when you haven’t even dated anybody?”
There is another red stoplight, so they stop cycling. Once more, the image of his mother leaving reappears in his head, making him nauseous.
Zoe glances at Kaito who doesn’t reply. He is only staring ahead.
Then she sneezes unexpectedly, changing the entire atmosphere. Kaito is secretly grateful for it. He fears that their conversation will give him flashbacks that he would rather forget.
“You okay, Zoe?”
“Yes.” She wipes her nose with her white handkerchief. “The weather’s finally gotten under my skin, that’s all.”
“I have meds in my room.”
“Thanks, but I’ll survive. It’s only cold.”
The light turns green, and they start cycling again. After a few minutes, they stop in front of the dorm’s entrance.
“Good night,” Kaito says, looking back at her. Zoe is wiping her nose again. “Are you sure you don’t need meds?”
“Nah.”
He smirks and then wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m offering it as a friend. Nothing more.”
Her cheeks turn pink. “Can you please drop it?”
“Never.”
And then Kaito cycles away quietly, ignoring all the memories which have started to flood back in his head.
Zoe flips the light switch open and turns the heater on as soon as she arrives in her room. She slips out of her shoes and then sits on the floor.
When Kaito came riding next to her, she was happy to see him, for the bicycle ride home has always been more fun with him around. He listens to her. Meanwhile, he has always spoken less about himself or his ideas, and that is why he caught her off guard.
The exchange between them is stuck in her head. Zoe didn’t expect him to say much about love, yet what surprised her the most was her own response.
What did she even mean by ‘appropriate? And why didn’t Kaito reply to her question?
She leans her head on the bed frame, arms wrapped around her knees.
Zoe has always relied on Seth. He is always there when she needs him. He is controlling, yet he makes her feel safe.
When Seth asked Zoe to go out with him, it felt wrong to reject him. Even though she didn’t know what their boundaries were, she thought she needed him to be by her side. Always.
Because he’s smart and he tells her what to do so she doesn’t mess up.
He fixes her.
Gradually, the realizations unfolded one by one.
It was appropriate because I’m frail. Because I crave protection. Without someone telling me what to do, I’m nothing.
The horror of realizing the truth makes her heart sink. Her knees weaken.
How pretentious has she been? She came here and acted as if she could stand on her own two feet. But she hasn’t. She still feels bad that she is pursuing what she wants, so she can’t even stand up to Seth. She is still heavily reliant on him.
I like Seth. I might even love him. Knowing why I do is a different story.
But Zoe knows in her heart that it isn’t just that. It can’t be just that. It can't be just because he has made her feel secure in a way that her parents do. Comparing Seth with her parents disturbs her.
Zoe grunts and shakes her head.
I’m choosing to stay.
She chooses him. It’s a good thing, right? Seth also chooses to stay with her, so they’re lucky with each other.
Zoe presses her hands on her cheek.
Has she gone mental? Why is she thinking about this? What would she even get out of it?
Nothing.
Because she doesn’t give up on people. And nothing’s gonna change that.
She picks up her phone and sends Seth a message. She tells him that she misses him. He replies a few minutes later, and he says he misses her, too.
See? We’re okay. It’s fine.
Zoe has the same class with Marie the next day. She secretly hopes that Marie will sit next to her, so when she does, she becomes jubilant. At least she gets a break from overthinking her relationship with Seth.
Last night, she and Seth chatted about random things. He still gave short replies, while she tried to hide what was bothering her. She was occupied with her feelings that she didn’t notice how bland their conversation was. Earlier this morning, she greeted him. He replied. Nothing followed.
Their honeymoon phase is probably over. It’s normal for a relationship to reach a certain peak.
It’s all good.
During class, Marie is chatty and active in recitation, and Zoe admires how fearless she is. Everyone in the room just stops to listen to her when she speaks.
Zoe does have her own opinions most of the time. She is just not as brave to speak them out. She envies Marie’s confidence and spirit.
The two of them discuss the histories of their own countries during lunch. Some people would think that it’s boring, but for Zoe, it’s a smart way to get to know someone from a foreign land. It’s better to have a bit of background for cultural sensitivity.
Marie’s eyes sparkle when she introduces the Canadian culture. She is proud of her own, and it arouses a similar sense of patriotism in Zoe. She recognizes the ups and downs of coming from a developing country, but she has never felt inferior.
Zoe is reserved, but she won’t tolerate discrimination. Fortunately, the people she has met haven't treated her as a lesser human being. That’s why so far, she is loving the exchange.
The two of them have the same class after lunch. Naoki, Kaito, Taylor, and Jesse are inside the room when they arrive. They wave their hands at them, and once again, Zoe feels like she belongs. She merrily waves back and exchanges small talk, while her eyes scan for available seats. Marie sits next to Taylor. There’s one available seat beside Kaito, but she will be at the corner of the room.
With only Kaito? Please, no.
Her insides quiver.
Kaito notices her hesitation.
It startles Zoe when
Kaito scoots over so she can sit between him and Jesse. Zoe gulps but doesn’t say anything. She avoids eye contact with him as she takes the empty seat and arranges her things silently.
Her heart throbs.
She has always put Seth first in front of Kaito, and what happened last night was peculiar. It sounded as if she didn't know what she was doing.
Well, she probably doesn’t. She doesn’t even know where she stands in his life. But Kaito shouldn’t know any of that.
Stupid me.
Zoe tries to ignore the discomfort enveloping her, but Kaito is only a few meters away. He plays with his pen, and the fact that he isn’t speaking to her confirms that he also knows that something is off.
Zoe knows that she has no choice but to talk to him soon unless she switches friends. The latter is unreasonable. She adores these people.
“So, are you guys really coming to the TGIF party later?” Taylor asks, expectant.
“I’ll pass,” Naoki answers grimly.
“Why?” Jesse asks, raising an eyebrow.
“He dislikes the president,” Kaito replies.
“He’s a showoff and a flirt,” Naoki hisses. “And I hate his hair. Too greasy.”
They all laugh.
“Who is he?” Zoe asks, her back on Kaito.
“He’s Taiki,” Taylor whispers, his eyes roaming the room cautiously. “He and Naoki had a heated argument during a trip last semester.”
“Long, boring story.” Naoki folds his arms, cringing.
Zoe wants to hear more. There’s something about not knowing that makes her feel less part of the group.
However, she doesn’t want to sound so eager. She’s new. There will be things that she will never know about them. She will always be the ‘new’ girl who can be an outsider if she doesn’t play her cards right.
“Hey, you okay?” Kaito asks, his voice low.
She snaps out of her daze and merely nods, still avoiding eye contact.
Right. She still has to deal with the vagueness of her relationship with Seth and the embarrassment she is feeling over last night.
“Then is everyone going aside from Naoki?” Jesse asks.
Everyone nods slightly.
“I’m going for the free food. Not that it’s anything special, but it’s free,” Kaito answers nonchalantly.
“Arrgh, fine. I guess I’m going then,” Taylor grunts, throwing his arms up in the air.
The door slides open and a tall, white man in a suit comes in. They all shift in their seats as they prepare for the beginning of the class.
All of them, except Naoki who went to Shibuya, wait in the lounge near the international office. Kaito listens to music, while Taylor, Jesse, and Marie watch random episodes of South Park. Zoe chats with Seth.
She won’t let last night’s chitter-chatter meddle with their relationship. At least not now. Everything’s okay. Why would she ruin it? Besides, there is a more important issue at hand.
Early this morning, Elle told her that she and Connor broke up. She wept, while Zoe tried her best to comfort her.
Seth: It’s awkward. The three of us used to hang out together, and now I must choose between them.
Zoe: You don’t have to choose… Just please look after Elle. She’s devastated. Why would Connor suddenly dump her?
Seth doesn’t reply right away.
Zoe: Seth?
Seth: I don’t think it’s sudden.
She sighs in distress. Kaito squints at her.
Zoe: I wish I were there to cheer her up.
Seth: Well, you chose to leave.
The sarcasm in his message makes Zoe cringe. Kaito notices and raises his eyebrows at her. Zoe turns her back on him.
Kaito will know that she’s stressing over Seth. That’s the last thing she wants. He will see through her again.
Why would Seth be so insensitive? Why is he so cranky? He’s getting worse every day.
Zoe: I didn’t know.
Seth: It wouldn’t be enough to stop you.
She gulps and grits her teeth.
Zoe: Why do you sound like you’re angry? It’s the first time I decided for myself. I thought you’re happy for me.
Seth: I was. I am. It’s just hard that I can’t see you.
Zoe: It’s only been two weeks. Can you please be more mature about this? Is there a problem? You’ve been acting strange.
Seth sees her message, but he doesn’t reply.
She lets out a harsh breath.
Seth has always been a bit controlling, but she never thought he will be this unreasonable. They should be like a team. It should be natural to want what’s best for your partner.
But with Seth, it’s like what he wants is always the right option.
Zoe’s chest constricts.
How can he know what she thinks is best for her when he has never asked? Not even once.
She balls her fists.
It’s the first time she admits to herself that their relationship is hard work. Some will even call it toxic. Zoe only turns a blind eye because she likes him too much.
But it is getting worse, especially now that she isn’t with him. He’s making her question her decision to leave.
But I shouldn’t feel bad for doing what I want.
That’s right. She did well by pursuing this exchange. It was the first step and certainly not the last. Seth is only used to getting his way.
It has to stop.
Chapter Eight
Despite her resolve, Zoe is preoccupied during the entire TGIF party. She introduces herself and mingles with a lot of new people, but she hardly remembers their names. Most of them become shocked when she tells them her age. They initially thought she’s just 16. She merely shrugs it off since she’s used to it.
After an hour, she decides to take a seat at the corner of the room, deliberately hiding from people, her hands lying still on her lap.
It’s pointless. Once again, like what Kaito said, it’s as if she’s there, but not really there.
Her eyes follow wherever her friends go, jealous of how cheery they look. She suddenly feels like an outcast, although she has nobody to blame but herself.
Zoe stares at her fingers, recalling how she and Seth have seldom argued since they started dating. It’s not because they are compatible. She never disagrees with him, that’s all.
She sighs.
Seth’s barely there for her anymore, and that’s okay. He does his thing, and she does hers, yet she doesn’t appreciate him lashing out on her or making her feel bad for pursuing what she truly wants. She has never done that to him.
She doesn’t deserve this. She can’t convince herself over and over again that she’s still happy.
Zoe is his ego booster. She supports him with his basketball and his dream to become a lawyer. He knows where he’s going. Zoe doesn’t.
She looks up the ceiling and sighs again.
I don’t know what I want. I’m still trying to figure it out. I came to this exchange to know.
She just wants him to understand. She just wants them to understand that she needs to be free and make choices of her own.
“Well, hello there.”
Zoe snaps out of her reprieve, and gazes at the person who just greeted her. It was Taiki. She knows because he introduced himself earlier, and Naoki’s comment about Taiki’s hair is correct. It is greasy. Zoe presses her lips together.
“Hi,” she politely greets back, averting her gaze from his hair.
Taiki sits next to Zoe. She shifts in her seat to make enough space between them. She doesn’t want to judge him right away, especially since she has never actually met him. However, her guard is up just in case.
“I’m Taiki.” He lays out his hand. “Where are you from? Why are you sitting here alone?”
Zoe takes his hand and returns a quick handshake.
“My name’s Zoe. I’m from the Philippines. I’m just taking a break because my feet hurt.”
“I see.” Taiki rubs his c
hin and then raises his eyebrows. “So, have you met anybody from the new USTEP students?”