by Tanya Mindo
“Some people need to make ends meet. Some live from hand to mouth. Choosing a career that will make you happy isn’t possible for everyone. Like me. I don’t think I have the luxury to choose what will make me happy.”
He isn’t angry, but he stated it in a matter-of-fact way that makes Zoe squirm. She knows that Kaito is right. Not everyone is entitled to a choice. She isn’t even sure if Kaito is as privileged as she is. By this, she means financially.
It dawns unto her that she doesn’t know him enough.
“You’re right. Sorry,” she says, folding her hands on her lap.
“No, it’s cool. There’s no need to apologize,” Kaito replies. “If it helps, I’ll choose a career that won’t make me unhappy.”
But it doesn’t make her feel better.
She wonders how many people suffer from a career that they choose just so they can live a good life. She feels awful knowing that most will choose a path that can fill their stomachs, rather than the one that can fill their hearts.
At 5 PM, they decide to go home.
Zoe has a hard time pretending that what they talked about doesn’t trouble her. For some reason, she wishes that Kaito will be able to pursue his passion. Whatever that is. He has always told her to go for what she wants, but it seems like he can’t do the same for himself.
The train is occupied by more people than earlier, so they have to sit far away from each other. Zoe and Marie happen to sit the farthest from the group but are luckily seated next to each other.
Marie notices Zoe’s worried expression.
“You don’t have to think about it too much,” Marie utters.
“W-What?”
“You’re thinking about Kaito, aren’t you?”
Zoe blushes. “I… I just realized I didn’t know much about him. I probably sounded insensitive.”
“You weren’t,” Marie reassures her kindly. “As his friends, we all want him to be happy with what he does. And it’s just not you. We’re also unaware of a lot of things about him. He rarely says anything concerning himself. He’s a good listener, but he’s not the type of person who will open up on his demons.”
Zoe hangs her head. “You’re right. It’s frustrating. He’s been pushing and cheering me on forward, so I want to give him the same support. But I can’t do that because he won’t let me in.”
Marie stares at her. “You really care about him.”
Zoe’s cheeks turn pink. “I… Well... Yeah, I do.”
“Kaito will appreciate whatever it is that you’re trying to do for him.”
Zoe clasps her fingers together. Marie is trying to comfort her. Zoe feels shameful for getting annoyed at her for being close to Kaito.
“I haven’t done anything.”
“I think you have.”
Zoe looks up at her as Marie’s lips break into a tender smile.
Marie is beautiful, kind, and smart. Zoe won’t question if Kaito likes her. She isn’t keen on the idea, but she knows that Marie has everything.
Deep in her heart, she wants Kaito to be happy. Perhaps Marie can help him.
“Maybe you can do more,” Zoe mutters.
Marie chuckles. “I tried, Zoe. But I failed. He’s still a mystery to me.”
The answer surprises her. Marie has already tried but nothing happened. If she couldn’t do anything, then what can Zoe do? She’s nothing compared to her.
The two of them don’t notice that they are already on their last stop.
“Marie, Zoe, let’s go!” Jesse hollers.
The rest of the gang are on their way out. Marie and Zoe swiftly rush out of the train together with the crowd.
As soon as they have all passed the ticket gates, they walk to the side to prevent blocking human traffic.
“I’m tired,” Taylor says, stretching his arms.
“Did you have fun?” Naoki asks Zoe.
She nods happily. “Thanks for inviting me out.”
“You’re already part of us, Zoe. Don’t speak like you’re an outsider,” Marie says.
Her heart leaps for joy.
“So, what are your plans for the remaining days?” Jesse asks.
“I’ll cram some reflection papers,” Marie answers.
“Same here,” Naoki says lazily.
“I guess everyone’s gonna be busy,” Jesse says.
The group bids farewell to each other. Zoe’s feet are worn out, and her shoulders hurt, but she enjoyed the day. The exchange program truly has so little to do with hitting the books.
As usual, Zoe and Kaito head to the Keio-Inokashira line to Kichijoji. She becomes fidgety as soon as they are left to each other. She continuously wonders if Kaito thought she was callous. The last thing she wants is to wedge a gap between them.
Kaito notices Zoe’s actions, and it troubles him. He has a slight gist of what could be in her mind. Zoe has always been the kind of girl who overthinks about other people’s perception of her.
“Hey, you alright?”
She gasps, surprised that he spoke to her. “Uh, yeah. I’m just exhausted.”
“It’s almost dinner time. I’d like to visit this tsukemen place near the station. Would you like to come?”
“Y-Yes. Is it okay?”
Kaito isn’t angry. He knows that Zoe was merely curious. But what he said was a simple truth.
He wasn’t brought up in a well-to-do family. His father is a government employee who is only making enough money for the two of them to live decently, and a huge part of him has faded away when his wife left.
Kaito clearly remembers the last time he saw his mother and sister, and it pains him every time. He heard her say that she didn’t love his father anymore. He remembers how his father begged her not to go, but she walked out the door without looking back, carrying Nanako in her arms.
Because Kaito’s father was always working, Kaito had to fend off for himself. He taught himself how to cook and how to do their laundry. In his free time, he learned music on his own and loved it deeply. He liked playing his guitar and studied how to play the piano and the violin in a neighborhood music store. The owner allowed him to play sometimes.
However, he figured early that he wouldn’t make enough money if he pursued music. His father told him so—that pursuing his passion wouldn’t feed him and his future family.
Sometimes, Kaito sees him staring into space like he’s wishing that he’d done things differently. That he’d chosen a different career that could sustain his wife’s materialistic desires.
Overall, Kaito believes that his father is a good man. He only wants him to live a comfortable life. A life that is different from what he’s led on.
“Yes, why not?” Kaito replies to Zoe. She beams.
They order two bowls of tsukemen. The thick noodles are separated from the viscous, orange sauce.
“This looks different than usual,” Zoe comments, dipping the noodles on the sauce.
Zoe chews and swallows the noodles. “Ooooh, it’s delicious!”
Kaito chuckles, temporarily forgetting the poignant memories that have flooded his mind. “This place is popular because they serve delicious tsukemen. I’m glad you like it. Though it feels like you’d like anything.”
Zoe giggles. “You get me. I’m quite easy to please.”
“It’s cool. You’re low-maintenance,” Kaito replies as he also eats his bowl of tsukemen. “It’s why I like hanging out with you.”
Zoe pauses, seeing an opening to apologize.
“Kaito… I’m sorry for what I said earlier. It was rude of me to judge you when I hardly know you.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. You were not judging,” Kaito responds soothingly. “But it’s just the way I am right now. I just try to go on and live every day. It’s thanks to a scholarship that I’m living well.”
“All this time it has seemed to me like you have the wisdom to answer every question thrown at you,” Zoe confesses. “It frustrated me to know that you don’t seem to have anything laid o
ut for yourself. You’ve always cheered me on, Kaito. I only wish to do the same.”
Kaito shoots a look at her, and their gazes meet. Zoe’s heart starts throbbing uneasily, yet she doesn't want to stop talking. She wants him to understand her feelings.
“I… I wish for you to be happy, too. You deserve it.”
Kaito’s lips twitch into a smile as he breaks eye contact. He blushes. Zoe returns to eating her tsukemen, distracting herself from the awkwardness that has begun to surround them.
“Thanks, Zoe. That means a lot to me,” Kaito replies without looking at her.
It’s bad news for him. He feels as though his feelings are getting deeper instead of fading away.
But he doesn’t want this moment to end.
Is it greedy that he wants to stay next to her? He knows that Zoe is in love with someone else. He isn’t even a fan of relationships. He’s certain that nothing more is going to happen.
He just wants to remain by her side while he still can. They only have limited time to spend together. He’ll be gone soon.
“I’ll try to think more about my own good,” he promises. “Thank you.”
“That’s good enough,” Zoe replies with a smile.
Zoe is ecstatic as she enters the building. Kaito appreciated her feelings, and he promised to at least look after his own future. She likes the idea of being a good influence on him. She will write these emotions and thoughts on her journal. They are too significant for her to forget.
It was a pleasant day.
She checks her mailbox in the first room of the building. She grabs her letters then ascends the stairs.
She needs to pay for her insurance. The rest are merely ads. She removes her shoes as she enters her room, then before she could toss away all the letters to her trash bin, she notices a pink envelope stuck between the flyers.
Zoe throws away the unnecessary ads and then sits on her bed, her grip tight on the envelope. Her brows draw closer as she flips it and sees the sender’s name.
It’s from Seth.
Zoe stares at the folded letter in front of her for quite a while, mustering the courage to read it. The last letter she received from Seth was for their anniversary, and it was a brief declaration of his feelings for her. The content of this letter is most likely far from that.
He could have sent her an email. He could have called. It only means that what is inside is too important. Seth wants her to have a physical copy of his feelings. A proof.
Her heart pounds, but she knows what she must do. She needs answers.
His letter was written a week ago. She heaves a deep sigh as she flips the letter open, her fingers trembling, aware that it might shatter her heart.
Dear Zoe,
Hi. How are you?
You might be wondering why I sent you a letter when I could just send you an email. I thought about video calling you, but I don’t know how to look you in the eye. It took me hours to write this letter, and to be honest, I’m still unsure of what to say. Things haven’t been going well between us, but I truly want to stop being unfair to you. I know that you have so many questions. And you, of all people, deserve the truth.
First, I want to tell you that I like you. I really like you. You’re beautiful and amazing, and I honestly thought that you made me happy. You were always there for me. You were the only person who didn’t drive me insane. You kept me intact. And when you left, I realized that I should face what was truly going on in my life.
Please forgive Elle for not telling you about me. I begged her. You deserve to hear the truth from me.
I’m gay, Zoe. I was the reason why Elle and Connor broke up. I didn’t want to hurt Elle. She is my friend. I’m just… I’m sorry.
Zoe, my sexuality has been worrying me for a long time, even before you and I dated. But I didn’t want to accept it. It was hard for me, and it is still hard. I can’t tell my parents. I can’t tell anybody else. But you are my friend, or at least, you were.
Zoe, I want to tell you that despite this, my feelings for you were real. I’m sorry if I was a jerk to you these past few months. I was wrong when I tried to stop you from doing all the things that you wanted to do. I thought I knew what was best. And obviously, I didn’t.
I’m sorry. I think this is why I was never ready to call you my girlfriend. I do like you... But I love Connor.
I wish you happiness from the bottom of my heart.
Seth
Chapter Fourteen
Zoe’s throat tightens, making her unable to breathe for a few seconds. She gathers the strength to get up from the chair and drinks a glass of water. Her head is spinning. How can this happen? Were there signs? She can’t remember.
Anger suddenly floods her veins. How can Seth do this to her? Did he just use her? Was their relationship merely a trial period for him?
Her knees wobble as she collapses on her bed, her right hand still holding the letter, eyes brimming with tears.
But no matter how furious she is, she also feels sorry for him. He didn’t feel safe enough to tell her about it before. He’s been holding it inside. Was Connor able to help him get through it at least? How long has he been struggling alone?
Zoe skims the letter a second time, her tears continuously flowing down her cheeks. With a sad moan, she folds it and keeps it in her drawer.
Zoe needs to clear her head so she undresses and steps into the shower. Under the pouring water, Zoe cries. Seth just officially broke up with her, and he ended it with a mind-boggling confession that she couldn’t grasp.
Zoe puts on her most comfortable pajamas then sits on her desk, her eyes puffy. She turns her laptop on and video calls Elle. Elle picks up right away, and the instant she lays her eyes on Zoe, her expression softens. They smile wryly at each other, both aware of the truth.
“Are you okay?” Elle asks sadly.
Zoe winces.
“Seth sent me a letter,” she mutters, her voice cracking. “I… I don’t know what to say.”
“There is really nothing to say, Zoe. It is out of our hands.”
“How did you find out about this?”
Elle smiles half-heartedly, letting out a hard sigh. “You know Liza, right? She celebrated her birthday at a resort in the south. Seth and Connor were also invited.”
Zoe remembers the photo she saw on her feed. She nods.
“They were always next to each other, so I didn’t have the chance to talk to Seth. Things with Connor and I were still fresh. I was still trying to move on.”
Elle drops her gaze to her lap.
“Around midnight, people were drunk and so was I. I noticed the two of them leaving the premises so although I was wasted, I followed them. I heard them arguing about you. Connor said that he wanted Seth to tell you the truth. Seth replied that he was trying to think of a good way because you weren’t here. I was confused until Connor asked if Seth loved him. And Seth said yes.”
Zoe swallows the lump forming on her throat. No matter how she looks at it, Seth and Connor cheated on her and Elle.
“Before I knew it, I slapped Connor on the face. But I couldn’t say anything. I just left, then Seth followed me out. He begged me not to tell you.”
Elle’s eyes became watery.
“He cried, Zoe. At that moment, I couldn’t get angry, you know? He was confused and flustered. And… He’s been my friend since high school. I suddenly felt sorry for him.”
Zoe starts sobbing again. “Were there signs, Elle? Or were we just dumb?”
Elle shakes her head. “No, Zoe. They were good at hiding it… And honestly, I’m conflicted. They’re both important people to me.”
“But Elle… I can’t help but feel betrayed,” she admits guiltily, clasping a hand on her throat. “Seth lied to me. Connor lied to you. How could they do this to us?”
Elle sighs. “I know how you feel, Zoe. I also felt the same when I first learned about this. We have the right to be angry and frustrated, but I can’t... Stay mad at them. They did c
heat on us, and I think it will sound funny to other people, but we did care about those two. You understand why it wasn’t easy for them, too. Right?”
Zoe is speechless. The stabbing pain in her heart remains, but Elle is right. It’s not easy to come out. She should know better.
She smiles bitterly. “I guess. I don’t think they truly wanted to hurt us. It was just… Bad luck.”