“Is he… okay?” I swallowed and closed my eyes tight. I was terrified to look at Sal for fear his expression would break me.
His hold on me tightened. “He’ll be okay.”
“It’s my fault, and I hate myself for it.” I sobbed into his shirt. This was my fault. “If I would’ve listened just once, he’d be okay.” I called Ivan that day, I caused this.
“Trust me, this isn’t your fault; this is beyond your doing.” He swallowed hard. “This is Ivan. If anyone is responsible it’s him.”
I closed my eyes not wanting to remember my rescue which also turned into Jax’s rescue. “He should die, he should’ve already died,” I confessed.
“You shouldn’t talk like that, Bella, it’s not who you are.”
“It’s exactly who I am, Sal.” I lifted my face to look at him. “The day he took me changed everything. I’m no longer a princess.” He’d successfully removed all innocence from my soul.
He became quiet as he rubbed circles at the top of my back.
Seconds later, Alessandra shuffled past us from the hallway with concern drawn on her face. She was silent as she entered the kitchen, not giving anything away. I rose from Sal’s hold to assess the situation. The room was quiet and there were no signs that anything had happened, and I held onto that.
Sal watched with extreme concern as he rubbed the corners of his mouth. He drew a breath and dropped his hand to the sofa and stood. “I gotta make a call, you good?”
No.
I nodded anyway.
He searched my face and squinted his eyes before reaching into his back pocket for his phone. Sal was protective of me, and I could see he was worried about what all of this was doing to my sanity. He was right to worry, I was worried. I was holding on as best as I could, but that resolve would surely give out at some point.
“I’ll be back soon,” he walked out through the front entrance.
I tucked my arms around my chest. I wanted to help, do something… anything. I felt absolutely helpless. Everyone determined what I was and wasn’t capable of. Honestly… looking at the situation, I was the one who had held back, if I was being truly honest I didn’t want to see him like that. I didn’t want to be the one who watched him kill himself. I wanted someone else, someone who didn’t love him the way that I did, to deal with it.
What would I have done if I’d walked in and he’d overdosed? They thought I was an idiot. They didn’t think that their whispers over the last weeks had been heard. They were loud enough for me to easily hear. Sure, I had to press my ear to the door, but I heard them and that was all that mattered. They were just as worried as I was. I knew that… but they weren’t doing anything. While they were running their mouths about how bad it was, Jax was in his office shooting up. I knew all about heroin. Hell, I probably knew more about it than the dealers. I’d done so much research; all those sleepless nights were at least good for something.
I listened for sounds of Jax or Chase, but heard nothing. I’d peeked into the kitchen for Alessandra, but she’d somehow left without me knowing.
I walked to the edge of the hallway—my intention was to go to him, hold him. But I couldn’t. I was terrified of what condition he was in. I thought more than anything the way he looked at me was the hardest. Like he didn’t know me, and it felt as though the connection we had was gone. Maybe I was weak. My entire life had consisted of me trying to prove everyone wrong about women. We were strong. They lied to us about that then, but now that I had a real chance to show everyone, including myself, that I could be what my family needed, I was failing. I was nothing he needed me to be.
The night had come, and lights from the city had cast a glow into the penthouse. Nervously, needing to breathe, I padded to the corner window. I wasn’t supposed to be near them, I knew that, but one look into the night wouldn’t hurt.
The darkness disappeared with the beautiful lights, I could see cars driving all over the city, and silently I wondered how happy those people were. Were their husbands waiting for them to come home from work? Were they on a date with the loves of their lives? Had they just picked up their children from some activity? The questions were endless. I was jealous of their lives… the ones I knew nothing about. But sometimes ignorance could be bliss.
“Hey.”
I jumped, startled. “Hey.” I held my arms closer to my chest as I responded to Chase. “Is he okay?”
I was very thankful for him. He’d been by my side every moment that I needed him. He cared deeply for his brother, and I’d never forget his loyalty to our family.
He folded his brows. “Yeah, he’s fine.” His hesitation wasn’t missed.
“Liar. Is he awake?” When Jax got a fix, he’d be in some sort of daze. He couldn’t have a coherent conversation with me, or maybe he just didn’t want to. And if I were to accurately describe who he was when he was high, I’d tell you he was someone else. It wasn’t Jax behind the glassy expressions. For a while, it seemed as if Jax was gone. Pretending he was on a business trip had been something I found myself doing more often than not.
His actions were… different. His voice was different, his walk was different. I’d say his kiss was different because I imagined it would’ve been, but he hadn’t touched or kissed me for a long time. It was as if my husband was dead and a stranger had taken over his body. A stranger I loathed. He hid the addiction from me as long as he could, but it consumed him. He’d pulled away from me, I assumed to hide it, but once I knew there was a problem, he pulled away even more. That was a blow. I thought mostly because he didn’t trust me and that lack of trust took something from us… from me.
There was a hole inside my heart that I couldn’t fill, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many nights I cried; no matter how many times I screamed, that hole grew so big I couldn’t control it any longer.
He shrugged. “If that’s what you wanna call it.”
I nodded and continued to stare out into the night seeing our saddened expressions in the reflection of the window.
I heard Sal as he’d entered the great room. “Hey,” he spoke more to Chase who’d already turned and leaned against the sill. I watched them in the reflection seeing him nod for Chase to follow into the hallway. “Bella,” he called, surprising me after I’d dropped my head from the window.
I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath of hesitation before I followed after them. My approach to the office door was slow. Chase held my hand as we slowly made our way to Jax’s office. I thought we were going to Jax, but he wasn’t inside the room. “Where…?” My gaze swiveled to Tony who leaned lazily against the wall.
He nodded toward the guest bedroom. “He’s resting.”
I nodded with understanding and swallowed.
Chase held his hand out for mine and led me into the office. “He’s okay.” He offered a half smile as he attempted to comfort me.
Sal closed the door behind us and pulled out a chair for me before sitting. “I have a doctor comin’ to see Jax.” He ran his tongue over his lips as he looked down at his hands as his fingers twisted before continuing. “He needs help; we agree on this, yes?”
“Of course!” I leaned closer to Sal. “Please.”
“I… we… want to take him to New York. He needs to get help, and bein’ here isn’t gonna do that for him.”
“Yeah, of course, I’ll pack a bag. Will we leave tonight, tomorrow?”
He shook his head and closed his eyes before continuing. “Bella…” his eyes remained closed until his head had lifted toward Chase.
“What?”
He didn’t even have the balls to look at me. “You’re gonna stay here.”
I shook my head. “Hell no!” I quickly stood. “I’m not leaving my husband, Sal!”
He blew a slow breath and blinked several times before he took my hand and pulled me back down. “Bella, he needs time. This doc I have comin’, she’s gonna go with him, get him through this.” He leaned forward in the chair, resting his chin
on his closed fist. “And the methods are… unorthodox. Not somethin’ you need to see. This is what’s best.”
Silently, I rubbed my sweaty palms on my thighs.
Chase had been offering support by resting his hand on my shoulder, and when he leaned down he looked at me with pity. “You okay?”
I snapped. “Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m fine!” I stood again, avoiding his hand. I padded around the desk to Jax’s chair, seeing no evidence that he’d just shot up heroin. Although I expected to see it, I was more than ready to, but grateful they’d gotten rid of all the evidence. I swept my hands over Jax’s creamy soft leather chair before falling into its comfort. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the mahogany and tangled my fingers together. I lifted my eyes to Sal and Chase who both waited for me to continue. “How long?”
Sal shrugged. “As long as it takes.”
I shook my head feeling a tear. “A week? Two? Three?”
He shrugged again. “Could be longer, I really can’t say.”
“Yeah, who will go with him?”
“Uhh… the doc, Tony, and a few others, to make sure he’s good.”
“And you?”
“You know I can’t leave you, Bella. My job has been and always will be to protect you.”
“And with all the unknown’s comin’ from Russia we can’t take any chances,” Chase shot.
“Yeah… that bastard.” I’d clenched my hands into fists.
Someone quietly knocked on the door; I assumed it was Alessandra. Chase dropped his attention to the floor, shook his head, and opened the door. He whispered to whomever it was on the other side and nodded for Sal to go to the door.
“Dr. Grayson,” Sal announced.
A petite brunette entered with her hand extended. “You must be Sal. I’m sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.” She smiled before turning to me.
I hesitantly stood on my shaky knees before approaching her.
Dr. Grayson was beautiful. She wore her hair down letting it caress her teal silk blouse while a black skirt hugged her full hips. While I looked as if I’d been homeless at that moment. I didn’t care anymore. I just didn’t…
“You must be Mrs. Moretti.” Her petite fingers danced as she reached for my hand.
Ignoring her attempt, I spoke, “Dr. Grayson, before I agree to any of this, tell me what makes you qualified to treat my husband?”
The room became quiet, and I knew what everyone probably thought… Here we go again. I could hear it in their breaths.
“Bella.” Sal grabbed my arm in an attempt at hushing me.
“Oh that’s quite alright,” she said with the wave of the hand I hadn’t taken. “Yes, of course.”
Sal released me and led her to sit in the chair I had previously sat in.
She crossed her legs, smoothed her ringless fingers along her thighs and continued. “Well, I hold certifications with the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. I’m also on the American Board of Addiction Medicine. I have extensive knowledge in assessment and treatment. That having been said, my background as a psychiatrist provides me with the knowledge to treat the addiction from a psychological standpoint. Bella, addiction is like a puzzle, and fitting all the pieces together correctly can be tricky; psychologically, that’s a huge piece of the puzzle. It’s one thing to treat through the detox period, but keeping them clean is a beast of its own.” She’d pulled her hands into her lap as she searched the faces in the room.
“Let’s make one thing very clear. My husband’s name is Jax Moretti, not ‘them’; he’s special. This is a special case! He didn’t want this! He didn’t choose to be an addict,” I said as I held onto the desk for support.
“Of course not, Sal has filled me in on some of what went on.” She cleared her throat. “Bella, let me first say, I am so sorry that you’re going through this.” And there it was… pity. “I’m here to help Jax and you. I want everyone to be healthy.”
It sounded good, too good. “What clinic will he be going to?” I shot as I tilted my head.
She blinked her long lashes at Sal. “Perhaps you need to discuss this further... before we continue.”
Sal combed his hand through his disheveled hair as he avoided eye contact with me. “He won’t be going to a clinic; he’ll be at the penthouse. It’s what’s best, Bella. Who he is”—he paused—“makes him a target. You know that. We need to keep him in a secure location, somewhere we can protect him. This is what’s best for him.”
I did trust him, and I knew he was right. Every reporter in the city would’ve had a field day with ‘Jax Moretti, mob boss turned heroin addict’. I couldn’t let that happen.
After a few minutes of being silent, I drew in a deep breath. “Okay,” I reluctantly agreed.
Dr. Grayson smiled. She seemed nice. She was polite and said all the right things, but something about her was off. “First, I need to see him, see how he’s doing. Is he currently under the influence?”
I wiped at a falling tear. “Yes.”
“Bella, this isn’t going to be easy, but I’ve been very successful with my methods of therapy. I ask that you step back and let me do what I do. It’s all going to be okay.”
I swallowed and nodded. “Okay,”
She placed her hand on my shoulder offering support before continuing. “We’ll be leaving tonight. It’s very important we get started before his body wants more of the drug.”
“Yeah, we have some non-disclosures you’ll need to sign,” Sal mentioned.
“Of course, in the car on our way to the airport.” She smiled.
He nodded.
“I’ll say goodbye.”
The pads of her fingers tightened on my shoulder. “Bella, I’ll ask that you don’t. There can’t be any contact between the two of you… at least not until I see that he’s on a solid path moving forward with his recovery.”
“Sal, I can’t say goodbye?” Was she crazy?
“Bella, it’s what’s best. You have to trust the doc.”
My heart banged in my chest. “No, I don’t! I don’t have to trust anyone, Sal. I want you to tell me how that is what’s best for him?”
I hadn’t noticed Chase had laced his fingers with mine, supporting me.
“I’m going to say goodbye and there isn’t a damn thing anyone is gonna do about it. As a matter of fact, I don’t think any of this is gonna work.”
“Bella.” Chase’s expression confused me as he cleared his throat. “Give us a sec,” he said, turning to the other people in the room.
“Talk some damn sense into her, will ya?” Sal escorted the doctor from the room with Tony on his haunches.
When the door closed I felt better, I could breathe. “I don’t want him to go.”
Chase was a good man. He’d always been kind to me and was a loyal brother to Jax. I trusted him, but I had no intentions of allowing him to alter my decision.
He pulled me closer and dropped his saddened expression to mine. “I know you want to fix this. I want to fix this, but we can’t. We have no idea of what he needs, Bella, but she does. You heard her, she’s got all those degrees and shit.” He brought his palms to my cheeks softly. “We will get him through this. And if you truly believe he should stay because one-hundred percent that’s what’s gonna be good for him, then yeah, I’ll support you. But if you really want him to get better, you have to be honest with yourself.”
I backed off so that I could meet his intense stare. I blinked and turned from him because I knew he was right; I hated it, but I knew. I didn’t want to admit it, but they were all right. “I can’t live without him, Chase. I’ve been away from him for too long. He’s my king and I’m his queen. Can you understand that?”
He blew a harsh breath and closed his eyes while his lips fell flat. “No, I’m afraid I don’t. But, I get where it’s coming from.” He opened his eyes and focused on me.
I turned nonchalantly wiping away a tear, and Chase pulled my arm down. “You don�
��t have to pretend, not with me. You can be sad with me and happy.” He shrugged. “I’m not gonna judge you, okay?” He lifted my chin with his thumb. “I’ll always be there for you.” He softly pressed his thumb to my cheek and wiped away the tear. “This is a sad and shitty situation, but we’re gonna get through it… together.”
I felt the sincerity of his words as his hazel eyes glistened. I’d never felt so relieved in my life, to just let my walls fall without worrying what others thought of me. He didn’t look at me with pity; he looked at me, like someone who had my back. I released a breath feeling a weight crumble off of my shoulders. It felt so good to be free from that, if only for a moment.
“I’m scared.” I was sure at some point I’d said that because I was and had been for a while, but at that moment it felt as if it were the first time I could freely admit that yes, I was terrified… terrified of everything.
“I know you are. I see it.” His eyes were lost as he spoke and pulled away. “I’m gonna make this right. I’m gonna fix this.” He turned his face from me, pulled his hands through his dark hair, and sat in Jax’s chair. “It’s not always gonna be like this.” He shrugged. “I imagine this time next year, life will be great. You’ll have the love of your life and your baby at your side.” He drew a deep breath. “We’re gonna make it right.”
“I don’t want to give up, but…”
He pushed up from the chair and approached me. “Then don’t! Fight, Bella, fight for him.”
Another tear fell. “Is this what’s best for him?”
He gently shook his head. “I don’t fuckin’ know what’s best. I don’t know anythin’ anymore.” He paused. “But yeah, I think it’s important that he has a doctor who’s done this before.” He held his palm to his sullen face.
“Okay, if you think this will fix him. I’ll trust you.” Out of all the people that were in this house I believed Chase was the one who had no ulterior motives for sending Jax away. I could see the love for Jax in his eyes, and I trusted that.
“Yeah.”
“Send them in,” I whispered.
Bella: The Ending: A Sagatori Family Saga Page 18