But fuck! I was only human, and I didn’t have a lot of control these days. I actually had feared I had no control. And that scared the fuck out of me.
My attention turned toward my phone as it dinged three times alerting, I had three text messages. I released the doc uninterested with whatever it was she worked at. “Not interested, and you’d be good to remember your place on my payroll.”
Bella had been trying to reach out, and it tore me up because I hadn’t reciprocated, but I had my reasons; ones she wouldn’t understand.
Bella: Jax?
Bella: Please don’t shut me out!
Bella: ?
I wanted to reply, sliding the pad of my finger across her messages. I typed the words I love you so much into the text box but deleted it. I knew that wasn’t what she needed from me. She needed more than I could give and deserved better than a drug addict who couldn’t keep his shit together. I was supposed to be a fucking mob boss and yet I couldn’t even so much as determine daily activities and the company that I kept. My head was fucked beyond reproach and with that, I had to leave her to find happiness even if it killed me to do it.
Instead of hitting send, I hit delete and turned it off tossing it back, steadying myself against the counter.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
—Bella—
“He’s not coming, is he?” I cried, watching Chase’s angered expression as he sat next to me.
“No.”
“He’s leaving me alone? My husband isn’t coming home?”
“I’m so sorry, Bella.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I… I wish I could fix it. I wish...” he paused placing his warm palms to my cheeks. “I wish you were mine, Bella. I wish I could kiss you, make love to you, hold you forever because I’d never let you go.”
My heart beat hard and fast in my chest, completely shocked by his words. “Where’s this coming from?”
He was close enough that I felt his heated breath. “I’m in love with you. You’re the smartest and toughest girl I’ve ever met. Your beauty is bone deep, and your heart is bigger than anythin’ I’ve ever known. The moment I first saw you, there with him, I fell in love with you. But I couldn’t have you then. God, Bella, I want you to choose me. I want you to love me.”
Everything in my head felt hazy. His words were not what I’d ever expected. I’d thought we had a connection, but love? Like this? I… I never thought about that with him. “Chase...” His name barely escaped my mouth before his was caressed my own. He kissed me, circling his tongue in my mouth, and he tasted good. I wanted to die the second I realized that I liked it and how he made me feel. I had felt abandoned and worthless but for that moment I wasn’t alone.
His kiss was demanding and carnal. Part of me wanted to break free from it and his demanding touch, but I liked it. I knew it was wrong, and I knew it wouldn’t last because I would never allow it to, but I just wanted to be touched for a moment longer; just another moment before I gave it all back.
“Bella.” He didn’t stop. I wanted his touch more with every slide of his hand through my hair. The closer his smell the more I wanted him. His touch was amazing and seductive. I wanted him to be Jax.
Yes, I knew it was wrong.
I just… Wanted to feel like I mattered.
The tears fell knowing that what I allowed to happen was wrong.
I wasn’t his and he wasn’t mine, and what we were doing was wrong. I had to stop it even if I didn’t want to.
“Chase.” I pulled back.
“Bella?” His expression mirrored my own.
Tears dripped from my chin. “I…” I wanted to tell him not to stop, to keep going. I wanted to run and never look back. I wanted him to be Jax, but… Jax wasn’t there. I pressed the pads of my fingers to his lips. “I want this. I want you to touch me and love me and make me feel like a princess again. But it’s wrong.”
“I’ve watched you suffer for so long. Having you here in my arms, suddenly you aren’t suffering anymore.”
I didn’t know what the hell was going on. My emotions and feelings were all fucked up. “You lovin’ me… I don’t know where that’s coming from and right now… I’ll never betray him like that. Do you understand?”
“Bella, he isn’t coming back.”
I pressed my palms into his chest pushing him away. “Don’t say that, Chase!”
“I know he isn’t coming back, and what he’s done, Bella. You don’t know anything about him anymore. He’s not the same man; he’s different. There was a time not too long ago he would’ve never let you out of his sight, but now… Where the hell is he?” He reached down palming his jacket. “Ask yourself something. Did you ever know him?” He carefully watched my expression. “I’m here now, where’s he? Where’s he been all this time? I want to be there for you, why can’t you see that?” He reached for my hand. “You kissed me back, Bella. On some level you want me just as much as I want you. Admit it.”
“Maybe…” I shot, jerking my hand away. “Maybe I want you to be him. I want him to be here,” I cried.
His expression scared me as his eyes grew dark and wild. “He’s sleeping with that doctor. Is that who you’re missing, Bella? A man who cheats on you?”
A feeling of sickness and disgust washed over me. “What?”
“I saw them the last time I was there. Fuck! I can give you anything and everything he can’t. I can give you a normal life. We could leave, start somewhere new; where no one knows who we are. We could be anyone.”
I couldn’t speak. What was happening? Jax was cheating on me with the person who was supposed to be making him better? Was he throwing our family away? And now his brother was offering himself to me?
Was any of this real?
“Chase?”
“Yes.”
“I need you to leave.” My resolve was unwinding like Christmas ribbon, and I wouldn’t be able to hold it in place for much longer.
He hesitated, responding with saddened eyes. “You don’t mean that.”
What did he expect would happen? “Yes, I do.” I hadn’t been okay for a very long time. My mind had gone through so many emotions in the last few months, and not having Jax close was the reason I was falling apart. I’d done the one thing I swore I’d never do, and that was my mistake.
I trusted Chase and
I showed my weaknesses to him.
And he took advantage of that.
“Please leave!”
“Bella, don’t be stupid. I’m telling you that I love you!”
Tony had opened the door at the very moment Chase confessed his love. “Bella, what the hell’s goin’ on?”
“This is none of your fucking business!” Chase shot.
“Bella?”
“Tony, I’m going to New York to see my husband”
He drew his brows together. “But the jet’s in New York.”
I lifted my brows, “Then I’ll fly commercial.”
He responded, annoyed but unsurprised, before eventually nodding. “I’ll arrange it.”
“You can’t be serious, Bella. What’re you gonna do?”
I didn’t have a plan and most definitely did not know.
“Fix my life.” I sighed.
“What’s goin’ on?” Tony and Chase both watched me with exacerbated expressions.
“Please make the arrangements.” I didn’t have the strength to relive the events or admit what’d happened. What I’d almost allowed to happen.
Tony’s eyes danced from Chase then myself. “The boss? You goin’ to him?”
I’d been waiting, pretending everything would eventually be alright. I’d never considered that my life had fallen apart while I waited so naively. What if I’d been there? What if I’d said no when they’d wanted him to go. I could’ve hired another doctor. I could’ve prevented all of this from happening.
I risked a look toward Chase, who I’d once felt comfortable with. That had changed the moment he kissed me. Once I
kissed him or, rather, didn’t stop him from kissing me. His eyes were still dark but now were filled with sadness and regret.
He covered his mouth, watching me as well. An unpleasant shiver crossed me and I closed my eyes, suddenly needing to avoid him. He dropped his hand and curled his fingers inward to his palm, and my reaction was to piss him off.
“Yes, I’m going to see my husband.”
Chase had been there for me, for Jax. He’d been the epitome of a loyal brother. So I’d thought. I was wrong; after all, a loyal brother wouldn’t try and steal his wife.
Tony still watched between the two of us. He’d likely figured it out, but Tony wasn’t one to act first. He didn’t feel the need to cause a scene or let on he had actual opinions. “You good?”
I slammed my palm to the desk. “I’ll be good when I’m in New York.”
“Ahmm,” Dominic stepped inside clearing his throat.
“Tony.”
“Yeah?”
“Book three seats.”
He nodded.
When Tony and Dominic were out of the room Chase leaned against the black leather chair. “Who’s the third ticket for?”
I rolled my eyes. “Chase, I trusted you.”
“And I trusted you too.” His jacket fell to the chair before he stepped toward me. “All this time, did you really not know how I felt?” He palmed my cheek. “You really didn’t know, did you?”
I suddenly felt ignorant and dirty. “Listen, we’ve been under a lot of turmoil lately. It’s not surprising we leaned on each other. I get it. It was… nice for a moment to be wanted.” I dropped my eyes to my large belly feeling guilt sicken me. “I do love you.” I shook my head. “I just… I don’t love you like that.”
He turned away leaving me unable to see his face, but I could feel his rage. “Okay, my mistake,” he said through jealous eyes.
“It’s no one’s mistake, Chase. Nothing happened, we can forget it. No one ever has to know what almost happened.”
His head bobbed. “You want to forget it?” I could feel his rage thicken in the air around me.
I swallowed. “I mean, Jax doesn’t have to know.”
He turned. “You afraid he’ll kill me?”
I shrugged “Aren’t you?”
He walked to the bar and poured himself a drink, taking it back with one pull. “I wish he’d try. I’d fight for you without hesitation.” He slammed the crystal glass with a hard thud.
“I’ll never leave him.”
“You won’t have to.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I pushed.
“Nothin’.” He shook his head as he walked to the door.
“Chase?”
He stopped in front of the half-opened door.
“I have enough enemies in my life, please don’t be one of them.”
He shook his head again. “You’ll never be my enemy, Bella.” His face fell before he left through the door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
—Bella—
As we stepped off the plane and exited the terminal I felt grateful that Tony hadn’t said a word about what he’d heard between me and Chase, and I prayed he never would. But I was sure at some point he wouldn’t be able to help himself, and how would I respond if, or rather when, he did? I had no idea how I’d respond to his questions and how I’d no doubt admit to the kiss. I felt unsettled and dirty because I allowed it to happen; anything that came from it would only be my fault.
Tony, Dominic, and I all drove to the penthouse through the slow moving traffic. I’d tried to call Jax, but his phone had been going to voicemail. I had to admit to myself that he wouldn’t have answered regardless.
When we arrived, Dominic dropped Tony and me near the entrance.
“You gonna tell me what happened?”
I closed my eyes tight while Tony held the door, not wanting to answer him. My hands tightened at my sides, knowing as much as I wanted to I couldn’t hide from it.
He continued, “Bella, I thought you knew you could trust me.”
I stilled my steps as we walked in sync through the corridor. “I know that I can. It’s just that, I don’t know what happened.”
He drew in a deep breath and pressed his hand on my back. “It was pretty obvious he fell in love with you a long time ago.”
Shocked, I stopped again, this time in the middle of the lobby. “You knew?” I screeched.
He scanned the area seeing who’s attention I’d accidentally attained. “Please, I’m not an idiot. Although, I wish I were sometimes.” He lifted his brows.
I licked my dry lips, not knowing how to respond. I cleared my throat as we stepped onto the elevator breathing in the stale air.
The penthouse doors opened easily after I’d slipped the key inside. “Stay here, okay. I need to talk to him, and I really need it to be just him and I.” I raised my chin while stuffing my insecurities that he wouldn’t speak to me deep down.
“I need to take a piss.” He stood uncomfortably.
“Can you go downstairs?”
He let out an annoyed gasp. “Seriously?”
“Please, Tony, I need this.”
“And I need a bathroom.” He sighed. “Yeah, okay,” he finally gave. “Call me when you’re done.”
I took in a deep breath as uneasiness filled me about the conversation he wouldn’t give me. I’d been begging to speak with him, but he’d been denying me of that. I asked myself why, but I couldn’t figure it out.
“Bella?” a woman’s voice surprised me. The doctor stood near the wall of windows with arms crossed against her shiny red blouse. “What are you doing here?”
My stomach twitched unexpectedly. “Hello, I guess I didn’t realize you’d be here. I’m looking for my husband.”
“Oh?” She slipped a hand through her hair while taking a step forward. “I didn’t realize you were coming. Wow, you’re getting so big.” Her attention dropped to my large belly.
I smiled. “Yes, he’ll be here soon.” I circled my palms to my stomach feeling Ennio slide across my belly button.
“Is he kicking?” Her eyes lit up with wonder, “May I?” She moved closer with a hand out.
I cleared my throat feeling protective and uneasy about her request. “Where’s Jax?” I ignored her taking a step back.
She curled her fingers into her palm and snapped the smile from her face. “He’s busy.”
I drew my brows together, “I understand, but I’ve come all this way and I’d like to speak with him.”
She nodded. “All this way?” She turned toward a decanter along the wall pouring herself a drink. “He’s been here all this time and now you want to see him?”
I shook my head, confused. “You said I couldn’t see him. I’ve called but he won’t take my calls. I had no other choice but to come,” I said, filling the awkward silence.
Darkness circled in her eyes as she drew back the contents of the glass. “Well there ya have it, Bella, he doesn’t want to talk to you. Honestly, I don’t know why you had to come all this way to realize it.”
“Excuse me?”
She muffled a laugh. “He doesn’t want you. He’s made great recovery since I’ve been helping him, and I’m not sure you’re what he needs now. He thinks it too, ya know, that you’re not good for him.” She finished off another pour.
“Who the hell do you think you are?”
Another laugh bellowed behind her Brady laced lips. “Your replacement. Honestly, you should just go; save yourself the embarrassment and go back to Chicago. He’s chosen me, Bella. He tells me that every time he slides inside of my hot and ready pussy.”
I closed my eyes feeling hot tears flood my cheeks. Unable to hear another word, I ran from the penthouse desperately seeking escape. I slammed into the wall and backed into the corner crying, feeling the wrath of emotional pain burn into the pit of my stomach like acid. I pressed the lower level button aware the elevator would be stopping soon. Not ready to face anyone, I slammed my hand o
n the emergency stop button and slid down the metal wall. I decided I’d stay in the small space until it didn’t hurt any longer.
I watched my reflection, wishing I couldn’t see my mascara-stained face staring back at me.
I desperately hunted through my bag, grabbed a tissue, and palmed my phone. I stared at it for several long beats before dialing my one and only friend. I knew Emily would be there no matter what. She was the only one I could trust.
I muffled my cries into my palm as I impatiently waited for her to answer.
“Bella,” she answered through a breathy moan.
All of my pain spilled. “Emily!” I cried, unconcerned with what she had been doing; if she was busy or working.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s so bad, and I don’t know what to do.” I sobbed, settling myself as the entire world fell apart around me.
“Bella, I don’t understand; slow down and start from the beginning.”
I cried before catching my breath and gripping a small amount of control. I did as she asked and started from the beginning. “And now I’ve locked myself in the elevator,” I said twenty minutes later as I ended with the horrific events.
I realized the other end of the phone had been so quiet that I pulled it away and looked at the screen to see if we’d been disconnected. “Emily?”
She sniffled “I’m here, babe.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“Do you want him?”
“Of course, but…”
“But what? That’s your family, Bella. That’s your life. You’re stronger and more capable than anyone I know,” she said through a raspy voice.
My cries were uncontrollable. “There has always been something… tension, lies, something has happened every day since I married him.” It was the truth, but it was also true that I’d do it all over again as long as he were by my side.
“You love him?”
I rested my forehead against my palm feeling defeated. “More than anything.” The closeness we’d once had was more powerful than anything I’d ever experienced, and I couldn’t imagine that was gone forever.
“You have to take a leap of faith, Bella. You have to jump. I never thought that anyone could go through what you’ve been through and survive to tell the story. I think you’re stronger now because you’ve been through all of that. Are you really gonna let some bitch determine your worth? He already belongs to you. Stop crying about what’s happened and take control,” she pelted her angry words at me. Her tone harsh because of the situation, but the warmth of her voice showed she loved me love.
Bella: The Ending: A Sagatori Family Saga Page 21