“You didn’t speak to me for months, Jared. Months. I reached out to you more times than I care to admit to anyone else because it makes me look like a dumbass. I cried over you. I worried over you. I made myself sick over you. And you stand right here and seriously tell me you want to apologize so that we can move forward?” She laughed, crossing her arms over her chest. “That is the biggest line of horse shit I have ever heard in my life.”
“Shell…”
“You’re not from the South, maybe you don’t know what horse shit is. But it’s stinky, and it comes in big piles, a lot like what’s coming out of your mouth. It builds up.”
He let the corner of his mouth tilt in a grin. “It’s also used in gardens to make flowers grow.”
Instead of losing steam, she gained some. “Oh, kiss my ass.”
“I’m trying,” he yelled back at her. “If you’d read what I left in those flowers, you’d know what I’m trying to do here.”
She turned around in a circle, her eyes catching Hannah’s. Hannah knew what she’d gone through, had been there with her through the whole thing. Even pregnant, Hannah had wiped her tears and tried to cheer her up. Tired from being a new mom, she’d pulled herself out of bed and taken Shell places, most of the time dragging EJ along. She owed this not only to herself, but to Hannah. She couldn’t give in easily this time.
“It’s easy for you to write something, Jared. You’re a songwriter. You write beautiful music, and you’re well known for it.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “What you’re not good at is vocalizing feelings, and I used to be okay with that. I used to believe that no matter what, no matter what you didn’t say, you still felt it.”
“I do,” he tried to interrupt her.
“No, unless you can tell me, I’m not listening. I’m done with the nonverbal clues and assumptions. Real men…they wear their heart on their sleeve. They have their wife’s and son’s names tattooed on their back. They aren’t afraid to show the world how much they care.”
He was quiet, as was the rest of the room.
“You wanna talk about deserving? I deserve that, because Lord knows I’ve put up with a ton of your shit over the past few years. Love is a two-way street. Respect is a two-way street. This time, I’m hanging on to my dignity. I’m not going the wrong way down a one-way again.”
She grabbed her purse and turned to Hannah. “I’ll meet you all at dinner, because I still wanna go, but right now I need a couple of minutes to myself.”
Helplessly, he watched as she walked away, not sure how to fix this. Not sure if it even could be fixed.
Chapter Six
* * *
“You know you don’t have to go through with this, right?”
Shell met Hannah’s eyes in the rearview mirror, thankful her friend said that. They were in Hannah’s Land Rover making their way towards a restaurant they all loved in North Nashville. She sat in the back, making sure EJ was preoccupied. Garrett was behind the wheel, chauffeuring them.
“No, I do,” she protested. “Jared and I have to learn how to be friends with one another. He’s not going to want to give up his family, and neither am I.” She shrugged, reaching down to put EJ’s pacifier back in his mouth. This kid was a godsend; when things got to be too much, she could always count on him to help her get a perspective.
“Here’s the deal.” Garrett set down the energy drink he had just taken a sip from. “He’s my best friend, and I’m saying this because I do love him. Jared’s never had to work for anything in his life. Music comes easy to him. Before you, women came easy to him. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. He’s got to put the work in. Just like you, I’ll make myself as available as I can, but he’s got to want to stay clean.”
“I worry he’ll choose the drugs over me. What if I make him wait too long, what if I’m never able to overcome everything that he and I have been through?”
“That’s his loss, sweetheart, not yours. You’re the reward, not the consequence. Make him fight; he’ll hang on that much tighter.”
She wondered if Garrett spoke the truth. All she knew—for sure—was that she was tired. She was tired of fighting for something that could possibly never truly be hers. Wondering when he would find the courage to tell her how he felt. Hoping that for once he would be the one willing to come to her and tell her how he felt first. She was sick of assuming. This time she needed the words, she needed the actions. She needed it all. “I’m tired, Garrett,” she told him, knowing that he would understand.
“We all are, but he’s got to put the work in too. He can’t expect any of us to change our lives to make it easier for him. Life isn’t easy. It’s work, and in the end, when we put in the time, we get the rewards. None of this is handed to any of us. I work out, I eat right, I get up at night with my son, there are some days I am so exhausted that even these energy drinks don’t help, but I do it because it’s worth it.”
Quietly, Shell asked, “What if I’m not worth it?” Jared not accepting her calls and doing what he had done had really affected her self-esteem.
Hannah turned around sharply. “Stop that right now. You sound like the me from three years ago. You’re worth it, and you’ll get your mojo back. This is all awkward right now, but give it time. Things will work out.”
Shell nodded, but she wasn’t so sure.
* * *
Adrenaline was his drug of choice now; it helped to push the cravings away when they got to be overwhelming. Some counselors had said it was easy to get addicted to this too, because it gave some users the same type of high as drugs.
To Jared, that wasn’t true. This high was one he could grab hold of with two hands and face head on. It didn’t leave him in the same clothes from yesterday or struggling to remember what he’d done the night before. This was one he could take and then let go.
He shifted gears, accelerating through the Nashville streets as he made his way to the dinner spot for the night. He’d never been one to ride a bike before rehab, but one of the counselors had suggested it as a way for him to clear his head, get a clean slate when the noise got to be too much.
He’d never felt more free in his life than when he was on the back of his bike.
Pulling into the parking lot, he saw Garrett, Hannah, and Shell getting out of Hannah’s Land Rover. He caught Shell checking him out, and it made him feel good. She didn’t know the person behind the helmet was him; he’d not been able to tell her about his new obsession. Parking next to them, he shut off the bike and took off his helmet, hooking it on the handlebar.
He turned and caught Shell staring at him.
“It’s new,” he supplied. “Riding helps me clear my head.”
She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder. “I didn’t ask.”
“No.” he winked. “But you wanted to know.”
Pursing her lips, she gave him her back and made her way towards the entrance.
Hannah gave him a small smile, grabbing EJ’s carrier. “Keep trying. At some point she’ll get sick of being a bad-ass chick.”
All the guys in the band glanced at each other in shock, and Garrett smile widely.
“Babe, did you just say bad ass?”
She shook her head. “I did, because sometimes you’ve just gotta.” Stepping up to Jared, she stared him down, not turning her eyes away from him. “I’m counting on you to keep at this until she lets her guard down, and if you don’t—you’re not the man I thought you were.”
“I’ll accept that.” Jared reached out, putting his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it to let her know he understood. “If I give up, I’m not the man I thought I was either.”
All five-foot-two of her glared at him. “Then we understand each other.”
“Got it, Han.”
“Good.” She switched EJ’s carrier to the other hand. “Then let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
So was he, and he was looking forward to having Shell in one place. With everybody around, she couldn’t get
away so easily.
Chapter Seven
* * *
Immediately, Shell recognized her mistake in sitting down at the table first. It had left every single seat next to her free. Jared smiled widely as he took the free one on the right-hand side. She wanted to get up and move, but when Garrett and Hannah adjusted chairs so that they could put EJ’s carrier between them, she hated to ask them to change what they were doing.
Grabbing the menu the waitress put in front of her, she busied herself studying her options. She wasn’t sure why she did, because she always ordered the same thing here, but it gave her something to do besides obsessing over Jared sitting beside her.
She sucked in a breath when his knee hit hers, their thighs close enough to touch under the table. Cutting her eyes at him, she sent what she hoped was a glare, but feared it was more of an invitation. This was the closest she’d been to him since the night he’d been taken to the hospital. Everything about him was familiar, and she’d missed it all. The spiciness of his cologne, the earthy scent of the leather jacket he wore, the way he tapped a beat on the table with his thumb as he browsed the menu.
It was all enough to bring tears to her eyes and make her want to try. She’d missed him so damn much, and now she was fighting with herself, and fighting against him. “I’ll be back.” She threw her napkin on the table and quickly made her way to the restroom.
* * *
“I’m gonna go check on her,” Hannah told the group quietly, before getting up herself.
Jared watched her go before turning to the group. “I’m sorry. If it’ll be easier, I’ll go.”
“No,” Garrett answered. “It’s not going to make it any easier. You have to realize that we’ve all got to work through this. The group of us, we’re damaged, and running away isn’t going to solve anything. Hannah will bring her back.”
“I want her to be here because she wants to be,” Jared argued.
Brad laughed. “We all know Shell. If she didn’t want to be here, she wouldn’t be. Time is going to be your best friend.”
“That and your knees,” Chris joked. “You’re going to need to be on them a lot, like daily, begging for forgiveness.”
“I plan on it. I know this isn’t going to be easy.”
Garrett reached over and put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “As long as you understand that, I think you’ll be fine.”
“It’s a lot to take in,” Brad admitted. “Even for us, it’s a lot to take in. It’s a process we’re all working through, and it won’t be perfect; it may never be perfect.”
And that was the one thing Jared was afraid of. Not that it wouldn’t be perfect, but that it would never be the same as it was.
* * *
Shell heard the door to the women’s restroom open and glanced up, seeing Hannah. “Hey, I’ll be fine in just a few minutes.” She wiped at her eyes, trying to hide the evidence of the tears she was letting flow.
“Take your time.” Hannah walked up and down the bathroom, checking under the stalls. “Because you and I are going to have a little talk.” When she was sure they were alone, she turned back towards the door and flipped the lock.
“What the hell are you doing?” Shell asked, shocked.
“Hopefully helping you.” Hannah folded her arms over her chest. “I’m gonna be real honest with you. Can you handle that?”
The old Shell? Fuck yeah; she could handle anything Hannah wanted to throw at her. This one? The one who felt like she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, she wasn’t so sure. “I think so.”
“I completely understand what Garrett said to you in the car, but I’m telling you, I’ve been where Jared is. He needs you to meet him halfway. He needs your help, he needs you to be willing to take his clues and help ease him through the transition.”
“What transition?” Shell asked, pushing her hair back from her face as she wiped her nose with a tissue.
“His whole life has changed.”
She argued. “So has mine.”
“Stop making this all about you and how hurt you are.” Hannah glared at her. “You are welcome to your feelings, but so is he. It’s your job, as the person he loves and who loves him back, to take his clues and help him where you can.”
Shell didn’t get it.
“He sat next to you, hoping to open up the line of communication, and you were so deep in your own head that you couldn’t do anything but freak out when his leg touched yours under the table.”
“How did you know that?”
Hannah snorted. “Because I know you. Whether you realize it or not, I probably know you better than you know yourself. Stop getting in your own way and stop holding back on what the two of you can have.”
Shell wanted so badly to tell her friend that she was wrong, that she was looking too deeply into this. In the end, though? Shell knew she was right.
Squaring her shoulders, she walked back out and sat down next to Jared, having as pleasant of a meal as the two of them could have together. They went out of their way to be polite with one another, and when the checks came, he was a gentleman, picking hers up too.
Breathing a sigh of relief as they made their way out to the vehicles, Shell knew she was home free. Grabbing EJ’s carrier, she sat it on the base and then went to pull herself into the Land Rover. Jared’s hand on her shoulder stopped her short. He held his hand out to her, and she looked up, their eyes meeting.
“Come to a meeting with me?” he asked softly.
“When?” Was out of her mouth before she could stop it.
“I’m headed there now.”
The decision was there, but she couldn’t make it. Not until she heard Hannah’s soft voice from beside her, and she grabbed the carrier from the opposite side of the car. “Go, we got this.”
For the first time in months, Shell put her hand in Jared’s and trusted that he wouldn’t lead her in the wrong direction.
Chapter Eight
* * *
Jared breathed deeply to give himself a sense of calm. Obviously, Shell had never ridden on the back of a bike before, or she had and it had scared her shitless, because she was holding onto him so tightly he could barely breathe. It was nice, though, having her this close without her running away. He’d given her his helmet. No matter what, she was his first priority.
“You okay?” he asked over his shoulder, wanting to make sure before he started it up.
The other guys in the band had left, leaving them here by themselves. There was no other way for her to get home unless she called a cab. He prayed she wouldn’t snap out of whatever this was and do just that.
“Yeah.” She nodded, but her fingers dug almost painfully into his stomach.
He could handle it though—at least she was willing to be around him. “Alright, then let’s go.” He backed the bike up and turned them onto the street, heading towards the designated spot for this meeting.
A part of him wanted to open the bike up, the way he liked to, just to see what Shell would do. The more sensible part of him knew that if he did, it might make her run. He had to play this safe and cautious. Already he was questioning why he had invited her to this particular meeting. It wasn’t like the one he’d attended the other day. The one the other day focused on speakers; this one was more intimate and focused on sharing feelings on a particular subject. The damage was done now, and he would be damned if he backed out. If he wanted them to have a life together, she would have to accept him how he came.
* * *
Shell was scared to death as she watched the buildings of downtown Nashville whirl past them. It felt like they were going a hundred miles an hour, but she knew it wasn’t that fast. There wasn’t enough room between stoplights for him to open the bike up like that, but it was fast enough to get her blood pumping. She dug her fingers into his stomach, holding on with everything she had and gripping the seat with her thighs. It was exhilarating, scary, and at the same time, she loved it. Much like her relationship with Jared.
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They pulled into the parking lot of a church, and she wanted to question what they were doing there, but she knew this was all Jared’s show. She had no idea how these things worked, and she was counting on him to let her into this part of his life. They parked, and he turned off the bike.
They were a tangle of arms and legs as she figured out how to get off the contraption, breathing a sigh of relief when she was on solid ground again. Patiently she waited while he took the helmet off her head.
“Was it fun?” He ran his fingers through her hair, trying to tame the wild strands.
She wanted to curl into him and let him pet her hair for hours. The touch was enough to bring her to her knees, but she refrained. “It was different.” She used her own hand to fix the other side of her hair. “But I liked it. Maybe next time not so fast?”
Had she really just said maybe next time? She hadn’t meant to do that, but she wouldn’t say no if he asked her.
He laughed. “We were going all of forty miles an hour, sweetheart. Just wait until I get you out on 65.”
She turned her head to where she knew I-65 ran around the city, her eyes bugging. “That place is dangerous in a car, much less on a bike. Maybe we can stick to backroads for a bit?”
He wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he nodded in agreement. “Will do. You ready?” He indicated the building with a nod of his head.
“Yeah.”
There was no hesitation in her voice. She was ready for this. The part of her that held back was the part of her that wanted to know everything he went through. The truth—not some watered-down version of things meant to make him seem less damaged than he was. With him extending that hand into his real life, it had lifted the doubt off of her. He wanted to share this, then she would share it, but they still had a way to go.
Grabbing her hand, he pulled her with him to the entrance. She tried not to remember how much she’d missed that calloused palm in hers, but she had. She’d missed it a whole hell of a lot.
Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4) Page 3