Hannah snorted. “Some friend I am. I’ve monopolized the entire conversation.”
“No, you needed someone to talk to, and that’s what I’m here for,” Shell assured her. “I don’t mind at all to listen to you. You’re living a completely different life than I am right now, but I enjoy living vicariously through you.”
Shell was quiet for a few minutes, not sure where she wanted to start. There were so many feelings she had about Jared, they all ran together sometimes and were not clear. It was hard to pick through and get the most important things out.
“We kissed last night,” she blurted.
Hannah spit out the drink she’d just taken. “You did what?”
Chapter Eleven
* * *
That wasn’t exactly how Shell had figured she would tell Hannah the events of the previous night, but it’d come out that way.
“We kissed last night,” she said again, wondering if she wanted to get into this, with her, right now. Part of her realized she probably should have thought this out a bit more, but there was another part of her that was so excited the situation had happened that she wanted desperately to tell her best friend about it.
“Okay.” Hannah threw her hands up in the air. “Go back to the beginning. What happened after you left the restaurant with him—on the back of a friggin’ motorcycle, might I add?”
She grinned, thinking about being on the back of the bike, holding on tightly to his waist. She could still smell the earthy tone of the leather, the spice of his cologne. Her fingers could still feel the hard edges of his ab muscles, the way they’d tightened as they leaned into a curve. The way he’d chuckled when she’d grabbed on a little too tight. “I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, to be honest. When I grabbed his hand, all I knew was he was asking me to trust him, and for some reason I wanted to. I had no idea where we were going, where he would take me, or anything like that. I trusted him more in that moment than I’ve trusted him in months.
“Did you end up going?” Hannah seemed more excited than she had been, but Shell also knew Hannah had lived through this with her. She’d shared tears and excitement and sorrow. They had been in this together for so long that it felt weird for her not to share.
Shell had agonized over whether she wanted to truly tell Hannah where they had gone and what they’d done. It seemed so private, so intimate, but Hannah had been there for her through the whole thing. In a weird way, she felt like Hannah was just as close to the situation as she was. “Yeah, I went to the meeting.”
“You did?” Hannah asked, and then it dawned on her. “Oh my gosh, he took you to a meeting? That’s huge! Shell, people who go to meetings don’t take that lightly. If they take you and include you in that part of their recovery, that means something. Jared is more intense than most. If he took you…” She shook her head, not able to come up with the right words. “He wants you.”
She had tried not to look that deep into it, but hearing Hannah confirm how big it was made her stomach seize. The butterflies there were enough to make her light-headed. It wasn’t the type of nervousness that accompanied the feeling that something bad would happen. It was the type that accompanied new love, and that’s what this felt like. She felt like a teenager with a powerful crush. “I know, it was. I can’t believe he took me. I’ve wanted him to make me a part of his recovery for so long, and I’m in shock that he actually did it. It was intense. And I don’t know if he’ll take me to more, but I hope that he does.”
“Are you going to ask him?”
She’d thought about that. More than once. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about the situation. Asking seemed almost like begging to her, and she’d told herself that she wasn’t going to beg him again. That made her more vulnerable than she wanted to be when it came to Jared Winston. “I don’t know. I feel like that’s something he has to offer to do. If I start pressuring him, it might have the opposite effect, and that’s not what I want to do at all. I’m thankful he thought of taking me, and I have to be happy with what he wants to include me in.”
Hannah’s eyes were wide as she continued to question. “What did you think about it?”
“I don’t know,” Shell was slow to answer. “I’m kind of still trying to process it. Jared didn’t talk or anything, but one couple did, and what they said hit so close to home that he actually reached over and grabbed my hand. I haven’t felt that connected to him in months.”
“I think it’s a good step that he wanted to include you and asked you to come. For someone like him, it’s a vulnerability thing. He opens himself up, and then there’s a chance he can be hurt that much worse. He’s making progress, and he’s including you in it.”
Shell felt that pressure, and that’s what it was—pressure not to disappoint him, and even more pressure not to give up on him. Loving someone like him—those pressures came with the territory. “I know, and I never felt odd. No one looked at me or him like we shouldn’t be there. He didn’t try to hide me behind him; he let me stand directly beside him and face it head on, just like he did. I can’t even begin to tell you why it meant so much, but it did.” Shell grinned.
“About the kiss.” Hannah grinned back at her, her eyes sparking with happiness for her friend. “You know that’s what my sex-starved mind wants to know about.”
“I’m not even sure how we got on the conversation, but we were facing off in the driveway, halfway talking, halfway arguing, and he’s telling me he loves me…”
Hannah squealed, literally bouncing in her seat. If there was one thing Hannah Thompson was, it was a hopeless romantic, and she wanted everyone who knew her to be as in love as she was. “Oh my gosh, Shell. You had, like, the best night last night. This is what you’ve dreamed of. This is what you’ve wanted for so long. He’s opening up to you. It might be slower than what you had envisioned, but I think he’s going to get there.
Shell did too, but she was too afraid to say it out loud. “I know.” She took a drink of her own coffee. “Like I said, I have no idea how we even got on the subject, but he tells me that I don’t know he loves me, and he knows he’s hard to love. He’s apologizing for it, and he’s telling me he knows he hasn’t made life for us easy.”
“That’s the understatement of the year,” Hannah deadpanned, thinking back to everything the group of them had been through with Jared. None of them had been immune, and Shell had lived more than the rest of them. “No matter what he’s been through, he does owe you an apology for how he’s treated you.”
“He kind of gave me that last night. We both agree he’s not a man of many words, but they were flowing last night. And then, when I’m not even expecting it, he grabs me and kisses me.”
Hannah sighed dreamily. “How was it? That was the first time you’ve kissed in close to six or seven months. Was it everything you’d hoped it would be?”
Shell thought back to the way Jared had owned her mouth, to the way he’d restrained himself in a way made even sexier because she knew just how wild he could be. She could still feel his fingers in her hair, his lips on hers. If she closed her eyes, she could see the look on his face; see the hunger in his eyes. Had it been everything she hoped it would be? That was a great question.
“Yeah.” She grinned, biting her lip to try and hold the smile in check. “It really was.”
Chapter Twelve
* * *
“They look good up there.”
Shell had to agree with Hannah’s words. Black Friday did look good onstage together. Rehearsal was still in full swing for the band, and they were trying to lock everything tight before they had to leave in a week for Asia.
“They do. Way more put together than they were a week ago. They’re hitting their stride.” The week before, they were running into each other, Garrett’s voice had been rusty, and some of the notes were a little flat. Now they sounded like a band. She knew once they had a show under their belt, they would sound like the normal Black Friday.
Shell watch
ed as Hannah leaned down and adjusted the pacifier in EJ’s mouth before she sat back up and faced her friend. “Are you going?”
“Going where?” Shell asked, confused as to what her friend was asking her.
“On the Asian tour? It’s only two weeks, but I’m scared to take him overseas as young as he is.” She motioned down to her son, asleep in his carrier. “Garrett agreed with me, so we’re staying here.”
The truth of the matter was, she didn’t know. “I haven’t talked to Jared about it, and I have some demos to do, assignments to turn in. Will it be fun? Probably, but I don’t know if it’s for me, this time.”
Hannah folded her arms over her chest, glancing at her friend.
“What?” Shell felt as if she were about to be interrogated, and immediately, red flags were raised. “What now?”
Pursing her lips together, Hannah leaned closer to her friend. “Were you serious about what you said the other day over coffee? That you would keep EJ for a few hours.”
A small smile played over Shell’s face, and she grabbed her friend’s arm. “Oh my God, you want a booty call with your hubby!”
“Shhhh! Shut up! If you’ll watch him, I’m surprising Garrett.” Hannah shushed her friend, putting her hand over her mouth.
Shell grinned evilly at her friend. It felt so good to be this way with her again, happy and carefree. The last few months had been one of the most serious situations she’d ever gone through, and because of that, these conversations had always had a serious tone to them. “You know I don’t mind. When?”
She flashed the smile that had an audience eating out of her hand. “Would tonight be too short of a notice?”
“No, but I do have to let you know, Jared will be there.”
“Oh,” Hannah deflated. “I don’t want to interrupt the two of you. I’ll do it another night.”
“I don’t mind, Han, really. It’s not like Jared and I will be doing what you and Garrett are doing. I’m telling you because I don’t know how you feel about him being around EJ. It’s something we’ve never really talked about, and since I don’t know every conversation you and Garrett have—I don’t know what you’re thoughts on that are.”
EJ squirmed in his sleep, kicking his blanket off. Hannah bent over, fixing it again. “Neither one of us have a problem as long as he’s with someone else. Obviously we wouldn’t leave EJ alone with him—not right now. That’s not to say that we won’t ever. I believe Jared can get and keep himself together. Garrett does too. So yes, we’d be fine with him being there.”
“Okay, then if you’re good, I’m good. You want me to just take him home with me? That way you can leave and go get all pretty?”
Her eyes brightened. “Garrett and I did bring separate cars.”
Shell reached down into her purse, fishing out her keys. “Why don’t you take mine? I’ll take yours, and Garrett can meet you at home. That way you don’t have to switch out the car seat. I’m sure you have everything he could ever need in his diaper bag, and it’s only for a few hours.”
Hannah almost squealed with happiness. She reached over and grabbed Shell up in a hug before leaning down and kissing EJ on the cheek. “I know he’ll be okay with you.”
“He will. You know I’m not gonna let anything happen to him.”
Up on stage, the group had finished the song they had been playing and looked to be taking a break. Shell watched as Hannah grabbed up her stuff and all but ran over to where Garrett talked to one of the guitar techs. She leaned in, tapping him on the shoulder. He gave her his full attention as she leaned up on tiptoe and spoke in his ear.
Shell waved when his gaze swiveled over to her, throwing him a huge grin. He grinned back before he wrapped his arms around Hannah and lifted her off the ground.
“What are those two smiling about?”
She glanced up, seeing Jared standing over her. “We’re doing a little babysitting tonight. Seems like the two of them need to get reacquainted. Is that okay with you?” she asked, scared now that he might not want to have anything to do with EJ just yet. She definitely wanted to see him tonight, so she hoped she hadn’t been presumptuous.
“I have no problem with it, but what do they say? Are they okay with letting me be around him like that?”
Shell could see the look in his eyes, could see that he worried they wouldn’t trust him. It did her heart good to know that she could tell him it would be fine.
“They’re good with it, as long as I’m around, and I will be. I wanted to make sure you’re good with it.”
He had a seat beside her, reaching down to grasp EJ’s little hand in his. “I haven’t gotten to spend much time with this little guy. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to more than doing just that with you.”
When he turned his smile on EJ, her heart melted, her ovaries exploded, and she damn near told him that she forgave him for everything he’d ever done. But her brain knew it wasn’t that easy and they still had things to talk about.
“Then I’ll definitely see you tonight?”
Jared nodded. “I’ll just follow you from here and grab some food on the way.”
She agreed and leaned her head back against the couch she sat on. If she closed her eyes and wished hard enough—she could imagine this was their child, they were married, and this was their reality. One she hoped they would have some day. If they could stick it out, this was exactly where she wanted to be.
Chapter Thirteen
* * *
“How often have you watched him?” Jared asked, amazed at how comfortable EJ was with Shell. He eyed the two of them as she changed his diaper. She had already fed and burped him.
“Not too often.” She shrugged. “But I’ve been around him almost since the day he was born. He’s used to me, and it helps that he’s a good baby.” She finished changing his diaper and then snapped the legs of the onesie he wore. “He’s got a full stomach, he’s clean, and I guarantee you, if I put him in the rocker over there,” she pointed to an automatic rocking swing, “he’ll be out like a light.”
“You do all this like it’s second nature to you.” He couldn’t get over how efficient she was.
“I helped Han out after she had him. She had a c-section, and it was hard for her to lift and move. Garrett still had things to do with the record company, and a few times I spent the night at the house with her and EJ. Instead of waking her up when he’d cry at night, I figured out how to do it. Really, he’s been patient with me, and in turn taught me patience.” She put him in the rocker and turned it on. For a few minutes, she stood over him, making sure he was comfortable and he wouldn’t have trouble going to sleep. “And he’s out.” She grinned.
“Now we can eat?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, and don’t worry about being quiet. That kid can sleep through a tornado. He’s gonna be a good baby to have on the bus—whenever that happens.”
The two of them went to the counter that doubled as a breakfast bar and opened the food Jared had brought. “I hope this stuff is still your favorite,” he mumbled under his breath.
She opened the bag, smelling the Chef’s Special from a local Mexican restaurant as well as jalapeno dip that she loved. “Oh my God, I haven’t had this stuff in so long.”
Shell didn’t tell him it was because the two of them had gone there so often. It hurt to walk through the door and know he wasn’t there with her, that he wouldn’t join her for dinner.
“I haven’t either.” He took the lid off his food and inhaled deeply. “Even when I moved back here, I couldn’t bring myself to go without you. It was kinda always our place.”
“Ditto.” She smiled over at him, thankful he got it. Thankful that for once they were on the same page.
They sat across from one another, both wrapped up in eating their dinner and thoughts crowding their minds.
“Can I tell you something?” he asked, taking a drink of the water bottle in front of him.
She glanced at him, noticing for not the firs
t time how good he looked. Sobriety and taking care of himself looked good on him. She prayed harder than she’d ever prayed for anything that he would keep this up. She couldn’t handle getting hurt again. “You can tell me anything.”
He set his fork down softly. “I’m scared to go on tour.”
Shell was floored. Jared was hardly scared of anything. Even facing down death, he hadn’t been scared. “Why?”
He pushed his container away, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know who I am on tour anymore. Here, in Nashville, where I’m at home, I have a routine. I know where I can go, what I can do, who I can hang out with. On tour, it’s different. You know that.” He blew out a frustrated breath. “There are temptations—especially in the part of the world we’re going to. I’d be stupid not to already be thinking about it.”
“I’m not here to tell you that things are going to be easy.” She looked him straight in the eye. “The old Shell, the one who hadn’t seen her boyfriend almost die, might have told you how strong you are and how you would never let something like that influence your recovery.”
Crossing his arms, Jared leaned back against his chair, listening to her. “But what would this Shell say?”
“This Shell cares about you as much as the old Shell did, but I have to tell you this. You have to want to be clean, you have to want to stay sober—and you have to work the program. If you don’t, then all the time you’ve put in doesn’t mean anything.” She took a deep breath and pushed her own food away. “I’m not sure I can handle you going off the deep end again, either.”
“That’s it, that’s my fear,” he told her softly. “When I get into that headspace, where all I want to do is use, I don’t recognize right from wrong, good from bad. Consequences mean shit to me, and I don’t want to lose you. I know I don’t have you back yet…”
“You don’t,” Shell confirmed. “I’m still not sure what to do with you and what I can live with. I wish I could give you something more concrete than that, but I can’t. I’m willing to spend time with you; I’m willing to do anything that I have to, to help you. But,” she bit her lip, “I can’t do it all, and I won’t be your punching bag—verbally or spiritually.”
Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4) Page 5