by J. A. Huss
Erasure definitely saved my life that time. No way around it. I was lucky.
And everything was pretty good after that. I went to cadets, did a few odd jobs, saw Gideon a few times when he was home from doing whatever he did for them, and life was pretty normal.
But things are anything but normal now. And what's normal, anyway? Sanity, maybe. Or insanity. It's hard to tell, really, because I always feel so much better when I'm insane. It's such a relief to be able to let go and not have to lie or pretend. Because normal is definitely not what I am.
The biometrics flash on the door.
I have to make a choice—either embrace sanity or the dark place that drives me to be crazy.
The handle on the door turns slowly and I wonder for a fraction which one of those monsters will be the one to come through.
Sanity is so much harder than crazy. It takes so much effort. And I'm just too tired.
The door opens and James is pushed through. He stumbles and falls on the floor. The sharp crack of his teeth against the hard tile makes me cringe internally.
But I show nothing.
They kick him, but he's so far beyond caring that not even a grunt of pain comes forth from his mouth that is now full of blood. I close my eyes as they undo the bindings and pull me into a sitting position.
And I make my decision.
The commander who looks like my father is barking orders at me but I can't even hear him. I look blankly at my friend on the floor and know this is his day to die.
And I'm his killer.
That's the plan, it's so obvious.
The SEAR knife is thrust into my hand and I look down at it. It's not my SEAR knife, not the knife that's coded for me and all my handlers.
They pull me off the bed and drag me over to James, not even waiting for my feet to find the floor.
I flick the knife on and they all back away, most leave through the door, but the man who is not my father stays, cautioning me that he is coded for this knife.
I know what he wants so I complete the task before he even gives the order. A single flick of the knife across the top layer of skin on James' neck, just below the right ear.
The little sizzle leads to a tiny tendril of smoke as my friend writhes in pain on the floor.
It's so much easier to just do what you're told and besides, this is my one true purpose and you can't be half a killer. You just gotta embrace your inner evil, that's what I think.
Just be who you were born to be.
Chapter Forty
My mind wanders back after the memory fades.
The pinpricks of light from the bright stars Deneb, Vega and Altair appear suddenly, like they just popped into existence, but I know this isn't true. I wasn't paying attention and now look, the brightest stars are not only out, they're already well on their way towards setting on the horizon.
These three stars make up the summer triangle asterism as it connects the constellations Cygnus, Lyra, and Aquila. Both Cygnus the swan and Aquila the eagle span the edges of either side of the Milky Way, their wings open, necks stretched as they reach out for each other. Lyra is on the Cygnus side of the galactic haze, playing music so the two lovers can find each other again.
If that were the end of it, it'd be a great story. Unfortunately the story is never complete unless there's some tragedy to fuck it all up. Because the lovers in this tale will never meet. In front of each bird is a wall.
This is one of the stories Gideon used to tell me. What purpose it served in the grand scheme of keeping Junco compliant and subdued, I have no idea, but he told it often. In Cygnus' case, the wall is the little fox Vulpecula who stands in front of her—ready to eat the swan if she tries to cross the river of stars.
As for Aquila, well, he doesn't fare much better because he's got Sagitta in front of him. The arrow of Jupiter, ready to stab him in the heart and break his love for Cygnus if he tries to save the swan princess.
So they float there out in the deep dark, helpless and miserable—separated by a mere river of stars—for eternity. With no hope of ever being together.
Great story, huh?
When I got older I started asking Gid questions like Why doesn't Cygnus just kill that stupid fox and why doesn't Aquila just snap that arrow in two with his raptor beak? And seriously—a fox is sorta small compared to a swan. If you've never been batted down with their massive wings you might think they're helpless. I mean, they're not fast or anything, but I have been mauled by a swan before, so I know what they're capable of. That year my dad took me to the British Museum for birthday week we were walking along the Thames and I got it in my head that I was gonna catch one of those suckers to see what kind of game they had.
It didn't end well for the swan, I can tell you that. It was almost an international affair because apparently all the swans on the river are the property of the Queen.
And I knew for a fact, even back when I was little, that a raptor beak could take that arrow out no problem because Gideon had a hawk all growing up and normally I was not allowed in the mew or to fuck with her in any way, but again, I just wanted to see if the arrow was strong enough to stop her.
That one did not end well for me. I couldn't just kill Gid's bird.
When I got a little older he got tired of the questions and changed the ending and put a happy spin on it. Some bullshit about magpies building a bridge one day a year so the lovers could reunite. Which is stupid because that's just a ripoff of the Chinese Qixi festival myth. He forgot I studied Chinese mythology in fourth year, I guess.
Tonight's sky is not that much different from the one Tier and I looked at years ago at my cabin. Not really. The months are different—that was November and this is still September. So everything is slightly shifted, but we're still up there.
He thought I should be Cygnus and I thought he should be Aquila.
It's a very bad omen.
Me, the swan, desperately flying towards Tier, the eagle. But we can't ever quite cross that river of stars that separates us.
And if what Lucan said was true, then we never will. Because Tier will die and I'll be left here all alone. Probably dissipated out into the nether for eternity with my luck.
I huff out a sad breath of air and direct my attention north to the Big Dipper and find Alcor. It's sitting pretty, right there in the second bend of the ladle's handle. I've always been able to see Alcor, which is actually a binary system that sits right next to its twin, another system called Mizar.
They call the two of them together the horse and rider, and if that little detail isn't enough to make you want to shut the book on mythology altogether, then how about this one?
Alcor is also known as the Lost Pleiad, of the infamous Pleiades Cluster, aka the Seven Siblings.
Gideon. He's the missing Sibling. He's Alcor.
He is the star I can see.
In ancient times it was a test of good vision to be able to distinguish between Alcor and Mizar and not blur them into one dot of light, so when Lucan and the guys said I can see Alcor but miss the full moon, it was a joke.
Junco, it means you miss the obvious so often it makes me cringe.
That's what he said to me that night I discovered he's the Devil.
Except I don't believe he's the Devil, even though my dad certainly does. And I don't believe Caleb works for God. Lucan's not the Devil, but there's no God here, either.
I don't know what other people see when they look up at the night sky, but I see a revolving story. My mind has been looking up at these patterns for so long, has been schooled in their history and mystery for so long, that I see it all with very little effort. When I look up I don't see points of light—I see every character, I see the story behind the stars, I see the cyclic movie made by the rotating Earth.
I see the swan, I see the eagle, I see the walls they built, I see the hunter facing down the charging bull, the Gemini twine, the scorpion chasing Orion, Pegasus and Cassiopeia, and Andromeda.
I see them
all.
Whenever I had a good friend growing up, whether it was Gideon or Aren or John Hando, or even the various boys I dated on and off at school, they always asked me the same thing.
Why do you always look up?
When I was a very small child I had a compulsion to look up, but I was not supposed to talk about that. So I started telling Gid this excuse of seeing them as characters in a story. And then when I got older and other kids at cadets would start asking I used to just shrug, you know, not answer. But then Charlie said all that stuff about the starshine lighting up my night, and then it almost felt like that really was the reason.
It was the light, all right. At least part of it was. But I didn't need it to see or calm me down in the dark, although I admit, it's helpful, that reasoning.
I haven't really thought about the stars very much since that night with Ashur back on Amelia. But here they are again. They always come back because they are constant. They never leave me, they make their celestial orbit and move through the night, but they are one hundred percent predictable. If I want to know where Vega will rise a thousand years from now I could find out. And barring some major galaxy-wide disaster, she'd show up, just as predicted.
And while Charlie's reason got me through some minor insanity issues, that was never the reason why I always look up. I like to find my friends in the stars because that's the only thing that connects us.
Starlight.
It's the only thing that touches every thing in the universe.
Well, that and because light breaks all the rules. No matter how hard we try, we cannot justify the unjustifiable nature of light. Light just gets to break the rules. The little photons travel outward in waves, and then, when we start paying too much attention to light, those photons change. They switch and start acting like particles.
Light is a mystery. Light has duality. That's the word they always used in physics class. Duality.
I always look up at the night sky because the entire galaxy is blanketed with stars, and if you go out further, to the billions of other galaxies out there, they're all blanketed with stars, too. And each one of those trillions upon trillions of stars emits a gazillion bazillion photons that spew out as light.
Light comes from the stars and I am forever looking up and drawing those imaginary lines that make up the constellations because light is the only thing that proves we can be two things at once.
I need to hold on to that because light is my proof that I am Junco as well as not-Junco and if Caleb really was God's Messenger, he could've just said that to me. He could've just said—Look at the light, Junco. The proof is right there. It's everywhere around you. Light can be two things at once and that breaks all the laws of the Universe. That's your miracle. Light.
And I would've been like—Yup! That's right! I'm good now, glad you guys finally decided to show up.
It's such a simple answer but he didn't even have it. The proof is right there, but he missed it.
God's Messenger should not miss the proof, and that's how I know Caleb is not part of God. He might talk a good talk, but he's not what he says he is because God's Messenger would know that light was special. He'd know about the duality and he'd know the significance behind that and my proof would've come right off his tongue, would've been the answer for thousands of years, each time someone or something had questions and wanted proof, light would be the answer and would come out with practiced clarity.
And most of all, if Caleb really was God's Messenger, he would've known that the stars always gave me comfort and he'd know both reasons why. He'd know that I look to the light because that means I won't have to be this monster forever. I can have duality too. If light can be two things at once, well, then so can I. I can be something more than Junco when I'm done doing what I need to do. Tier can be more than just Tier and Gideon can be what he wants to be, too. We don't have to be these monsters forever.
And not only that, if Caleb was God's messenger and he'd paid any attention to me at all, he'd know that the stars calm me for another very special reason. One I'm not quite ready to talk about, but if he was God's Messenger, then he'd already know that.
If God was real, God would know because I went to church every week. I prayed the same prayer every time. How could he not know?
It's disappointing, really.
I sigh to myself in the desert night.
Because if Caleb doesn't have my proof and he is part of God, then they were never paying attention to me in the first place. I am nobody to them. Just another chrome-steel sphere sliding down the Embryon playfield in this giant game of multi-ball.
Chapter Forty-One
Tier is standing in front of me before I even have a chance to accept the reality that he is there.
"I can't do this any more, Junco. Yer fucking up the whole mission!"
I stare forward, past his legs, and don't even bother to look up. "You're wrong, Tier. My mission is still very much on track."
"What mission?" He rages at me, pulls me up so I'm standing and shakes me by the shoulders. "What mission? I want to know what the hell yer doing!"
I shake my head. "I'm getting ready to finish what they started, Tier." My voice is so calm it's scary. He lets go of my shoulders and turns his back, walks a few paces away, and then spins on his heel.
The green of his eyes is filled with glow. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm guessing hate. Or disgust. Or something to that effect.
I can feel him inside my head, picking through my thoughts. I'd be pissed at this, normally. But I've suspected for a while now, so whatever. He's been reading my mind. I guess he figures addressing that thought is a losing battle. He can deny it and admit he's reading my mind or he can shut up and let me keep thinking about it, accepting it as truth. I might not know a whole lot about him and vice versa, but I do know one thing. Tier and I are having a moment right now, one that might decide our future.
He draws in a long breath between his teeth. "Am I wasting my time, killing humans with tsunamis and building Pillars? Just let me know now, Junco. Because if you're gonna kill off every single living creature next week when the Order gets here, then I'd like to spend my remaining days doing something other than flying around the world trying to save us."
"Us?" I ask as I let out a small snort of disgust. "I have no idea who us is, Tier, but your inclusion in that little club is dubious, at best." I turn my back and walk out into the desert.
"Darlin'," he laughs at me, "you have no idea who us and them is, I get it. But when those things get here, you'll know. There is no us and them. We're all us. Even Inanna."
I bristle at her name. How dare he say that name in front of me. How dare he?
He catches my tension and continues, "Inanna is nothing. Lucan is nothing. I am nothing. You are nothing. We are all nothing compared to the things coming to judge us."
"Us?" I ask again. "I think not." I turn so I can see his face as I deliver the words. "You're definitely not one of us because you're not even an Archer. So don't you stand there and talk me up with some we're-all-in-this-together bullshit. I'm not interested."
He swallows so I know this is a sore spot with him. What was it he said on our trip back to Earth? People don't know us, they don't really like our power and status, and they have a difficult time trusting us. Especially me.
Now I know why. And shit, can I blame them? I'm having a very hard time trusting him myself right now, and he's the only one besides Gideon I ever handed that out to in the first place. "Those High Order things are gonna come here to Earth, they'll take one look at you and slice you in half or something, right? You're not immortal, so you get to die. That's a fucking blessing as far as I'm concerned. But not me. I get the pleasure of having them dissipate my body into individual particles or whatever, then I get to float into oblivion for millions or even billions of years until quantum physics pulls me back together. And from what I've been told, Junco will be long gone before that even comes close to happening. So really,
all I have to look forward to is spending the rest of eternity in some insane state of non-existence."
I laugh as I look up at him. "But it's almost funny, ya know? I mean, shit—all this time I've been fighting the insanity and for what? Why? It's the most futile act of resistance ever, because insanity is easy, Tier. It's way too easy. I was born into insanity. The crazy isn't my problem, it's pretending to be sane that fucks it all up. I can do madness, but normal? Now that's something I've never been. Sane? No, I can remember being a very small child and the only thing that kept me going was plotting the deaths of the people around me, at some far distant point in the future."
His expression is unreadable, just blank.
"Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth? The only thing that's kept me going since I was a very small child were plans for revenge."
I stop again, but still, he's got nothing for me. Just nothing.
"And that's what I'm doing right now. That's why I left Sargassum, why I got my HOUSE back, why I left with Sera from your quarters, and why I'm still running right now. Because I'm not interested in saving you or anyone else. I'm interested in dying for my revenge." I laugh and shake my head. "And you assholes have even taken that away from me because I can't even go out fighting!"
I hate him right now. I hate all of them. The tears well up with the heat in my face and I turn away, forcing them back inside. Pushing them into the dark place.
"I'm done crying. I have no sadness left, only rage. Rage that has been built up over decades of horror. It's the only thing I have, really. And I'm not giving it up for anyone."
He clears his throat and exhales a long breath. "OK. Well, you can do all that if ya want, Junco, but just so you know, Sera was never in my quarters when ya ported out of there. She's got nothing to do with your plan."