“I didn’t mean to,” I managed.
“No one thinks you did.”
I stared at the ground, and Jonathon’s feet suddenly appeared in my vision. As soon as he had gotten up, he was sitting next to me. His arm pressed against mine. “Close your eyes.”
I did, understanding why he said it. The position was the same we had taken so many days ago in the shelter. It reminded me of every time we had spoken in my room. It felt normal. My heartbeat slowed, but Eric’s remained—racing. He was worried, and even with the distance, I knew he wanted to be the one that was next to me.
“I’ll tell him, too,” I said first, knowing Jonathon would understand.
“What happened to you?” he finally asked, and I finally answered.
“The reason Darthon tortured Eric—” I choked on my words, and every passing millisecond burned. “Is this how Eric feels?” He couldn’t speak, and now, I couldn’t either.
Jonathon didn’t respond. Oddly enough, a chuckle escaped me, and I hung my head in my hands. My eyes even opened. The stone ground was starting to become the most familiar sight I owned.
“Darthon can’t kill him,” I continued, even though the others already knew that part. “But Darthon doesn’t care about that. He just wants me on his side, but I couldn’t—I wouldn’t—and Eric suffered because of that, and—”
“Breathe.”
I did.
“Eric lived,” Jonathon spoke when I couldn’t. “You both did.”
“I almost didn’t.”
Jonathon’s hand landed on my arm, and when he pulled me back, I was forced to look at him. His complexion was drained of color. It looked like Ida’s. “What are you saying?” I couldn’t breathe until his cheeks filled with color. “Did Darthon try to kill you?”
“No.”
Jonathon’s hand dropped from my arm. The space he had once touched chilled against the sudden rush of air.
“I tried to kill myself.” The words. They finally left. They escaped before I could stop them.
“What?” Jonathon’s single word came out in a whisper.
My voice was much louder. “I thought we’d never get out, that he’d figure out a way to kill Eric, that he’d kill the Dark if he didn’t die, and I wanted the Dark to win.” Even my stutter was comprehensible. “I thought if I died, Darthon would, and everyone would be okay—Eric, you, Bracke, Luthicer—”
Jonathon hugged me, and my voice smothered against his shoulder. His fingertips dug against my back, but they were shaking. For once, I knew I was the still one.
“I won’t do it again,” I tried to comfort him. “It’s wasn’t out of depression—”
He leaned back, but his hands landed on top of my shoulders. “It’s not your fault,” he said.
“I know that—”
“Darthon tortured you, too,” he interrupted, and his voice suddenly seemed closer, even though he hadn’t moved. It was louder, clearer, something I couldn’t ignore. “He hurt you, too. He did this to you. Do you understand that?”
My face burned, and I tried to close my eyes, but it was too late. The tears escaped. They cascaded down my cheeks, and the salty water filled my mouth. I nearly choked on them. “I’m sorry.” I hiccupped. “I thought it was the only way to protect everyone, and I—”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak anymore. The pain took over, and I succumbed to it. The moment I had almost died had been a panicked one, one that I didn’t want to relive, but one that kept coming back to me over and over. I hadn’t dealt with it because I hadn’t had the time, but time was forcing it on me. It felt like Darthon had all the control again. I couldn’t help but cry.
“You’re okay now,” Jonathon’s voice sounded like we were underwater—all foggy and far away—but his thumb moved over my bicep, and it reminded me of how close he was. “Just cry if you want to.”
“I don’t want to,” I stopped the tears by wiping them away, but my body felt like it had been crushed. My ribs hurt. My sides stung. My skin was cold. I shivered, and my reflexes reacted. I grabbed my ringed hand, hoping to feel the burn, but the only warmth that filled me was Eric’s heartbeat—calmer now, but still racing.
“I can tell him if you want me to,” Jonathon said.
I finally looked at my guard, the boy I had met as a warrior, then, as a painter. He was more than a guard. He was a friend, and he was Eric’s best friend. Of course he understood why I couldn’t tell Eric. His mother had died that way. Confessing to it to him would feel cruel.
“I was hoping I never had to tell him,” I admitted, but it was no longer a possibility. The elders would know in minutes, and asking them to hide it was just as cruel. “It isn’t fair.”
Jonathon agreed. “But keeping it in isn’t fair to you either.” A small smile pulled at the right side of his lip. “I think Eric will understand more than you think.”
“But—”
He held up his hand again, but he took a breath before he spoke, “Sometimes we hurt the ones we love, but hurting ourselves to avoid it doesn’t make it better.”
My bottom lip trembled. “You say that like you’ve been in love.”
“I have.”
I couldn’t tear my eyes from him. Even though his face was one I saw every day, he was someone I barely knew. Jonathon Stone held secrets, too.
“Maybe I’ll introduce you to her sometime,” he added.
My mind raced. “You have a girlfriend?” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me.
“Not exactly.” His face reddened. “It’s rather complicated,” he paused, “but I think friendship is the foundation of love.” He turned away from me for the first time all night. “And if that’s the case, I very much love Eric, and you, and Jada.” It was also the first time I heard him stumble over his words. “The girl has grown on me.”
Jonathon had a crush on Luthicer’s daughter.
“I cannot believe that.” A giggle escaped me, and the lightness that took over my body felt foreign. My giggle died, but Jonathon kept laughing.
“I told you it was complicated.”
I stared at the wall, trying to imagine Jonathon’s life when he wasn’t around me, but nothing came. My nerves were shaking, and the emotional turmoil of the day made it impossible to daydream. “I didn’t even know you two spent time together.”
“More than you’d like to know,” he admitted. “Pretty much anytime I’m not with you.” He scratched his head. “I was supposed to be training her.” He glanced over, and his eyes were brighter, even his blind one. “I guess that’s how Eric and you fell in love, too. Huh?”
My stomach fluttered at the reminder. When I had seen Eric for the first time, he was Shoman, and I had been terrified of him. It was only when I escaped his radar that I realized I had to go back, and when I did, I fell slowly. I wasn’t sure if it had happened when we were flying, or talking, or training, but it had happened somewhere along the way. I remembered every moment between us, and every moment felt more precious as time passed. One year seemed so long ago.
“I’ll tell him,” I promised.
Jonathon patted my leg. “That’s a good idea.”
“Is everything okay in here?” Bracke entered the room. He looked between us, but didn’t step closer. “It got quiet,” he explained and straightened. “I thought something was wrong.”
I wiped my face again, even though the tears were long gone. “Everything’s fine,” I said, “but there’s something I should tell you, too.”
Bracke didn’t speak, and neither did Jonathon as I explained it again. This time, it was easier. My voice shook at certain parts, but I didn’t cry, and I didn’t feel like biting back the truth. I only felt tired when it was over. Bracke’s fallen expression made him look the same as I felt.
After a moment of silence, he asked, “Is there anything I can do for you?” He never even mentioned his late wife, or Eric, or any of the repercussions I had always worried about. The Dark was there from the beginning, and they wo
uld continue to be until the end.
There was one thing I wanted the most. “I want to see my family.”
Bracke’s eyebrows lifted and fell. “You can go.” He didn’t even hesitate.
“What?” I had expected an argument. “But we aren’t allowed to leave—”
“We can’t protect you here. It would be wrong to keep you any longer,” he interrupted, but his tone wasn’t the one he had as a leader of the Dark. It was the one he used as Eric’s father when he spoke to me about Eric’s mother. “I’ll drive you myself.”
“Thank you.” I stood up, only to glance at Jonathon once more. “Thank you for listening.”
He nodded. “I’ll keep my eye on your house,” he said, “but I have something I have to do first.” He looked past me to Bracke. “Can you watch the place until I get there?” I would still have protection.
Bracke agreed. “Let’s go.”
I practically ran past them. As much as they were my family, I wanted to see my real family, my parents who had been with me since I was a baby. I wanted to hug them first, but most of all, I wanted to be home.
45
Eric
The shelter calmed down in two hours, but every minute felt like an entire night. Jada came and went, keeping me informed as much as she could. She even snuck me out. It was only then that I realized how much she was involved, how much time she had spent in the shelter to understand the movements of the elders. I went straight to Jessica’s room, but it was empty.
Almost all of her belongings were gone, and the blood had been cleaned from the floor, but the room showed signs of the struggle. Her easel was flipped over, and a canvas was on the ground, facing down.
I had snuck the gift into her room a few minutes before she moved in, but I never admitted to it. The car she had bought me was sitting on her desk. I stared at it—at the design I had painted on top—and I wondered if she had understood the meaning I attempted to convey. Either way, she now knew the jewelry kept me alive, and Darthon was still oblivious.
Even then, he wasn’t Jessica’s only enemy. Ida, our own kind, had tried to murder her, and I had been right down the hallway, unable to do anything.
I walked across the room, half-expecting the recent death to be in the air, but the only eerie part was the echo of my footsteps. I grabbed the painting without a single chill running up my spine, but every part of me went cold when I flipped the canvas over.
The blue streaks were the same hue of my powers, and they melted across the trees. Even the leaves were a shade of cobalt midnight only we knew. It was the night we met, but it was from her perspective, and I was the centerpiece. My black hair blended into the shadows behind me, but small wisps clouded off my skin. The only bright part was my eyes, ice-blue stars in the blackness.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
I spun around to face Pierce, but he was in his human form. My grip tightened on the painting when I realized no one was behind him. Jonathon and I were alone.
“Why aren’t you with her?” I asked.
“Relax.” He leaned against the doorframe like relaxation was possible. “She’s okay,” he said, but his expression said something else. It was twisted. “She went home.”
“What?” We weren’t supposed to leave.
“Bracke let her.” My father. “He’s watching her now,” he explained, “but you should go see her.”
I wasn’t supposed to. On top of Darthon’s orders to stay away, I had received the same ones from her. Neither wanted me in her life, and for once, I worried that she would go back to him. I had two hours to think about it. She had hid her Light powers from the Dark for a reason. She was afraid we would hurt her, and we had promised we wouldn’t. Now, the promise was broken.
“You need to talk to her,” Jonathon continued.
“She didn’t want me.”
“She does,” he argued. “She just didn’t know it at the time.”
I stared at my best friend. Only a few hours ago, we were laughing. The memory was now a mirage, but his fallen expression deepened my fear. Something had gone terribly wrong, something beyond Ida’s death.
“You know something.” The words slipped out of me.
“You need to hear it from her,” he confirmed as he started transporting away. “Come on.”
46
Jessica
When I made it home, my parents didn’t even realize I had been missing, but a part of them must have. I recognized the confusion in my mother when she started cooking my favorite dinner—chicken Alfredo—and I saw it in my father when he put his book down to talk to me. They could sense it.
I watched them laugh and eat in-between more laughs. I didn’t talk a lot, even when they asked me to, because I just wanted to listen. I never wanted to forget what either of their voices sounded like, what they looked like, how they loved one another.
The only time I did speak, I asked them where they met, and my mother blushed. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her face flushed, and my father’s mirrored hers when they met eyes.
“A rafting trip,” my dad explained as he draped his arm over her shoulders.
She leaned against him like he was her favorite place in the world. “On a little river east of here.”
A river. Just like Eric and me.
“We should all take a trip there this summer,” my dad added. “It would be fun to get out.”
“That old place?” My mother giggled—actually giggled—and she flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
“Why not?” My father moved the only strand she missed out of her face, and I stared at them as if I were seeing them as teenagers, young, in love, completely oblivious that they would, in fact, end up together. “It’d be fun. Right, Jessie?”
“Yeah,” I agreed and stood up. Four months would pass between now and the summer, but making the plans made the possibility seem attainable. “That would be fun.”
My mother’s brown eyes moved across me as she stepped away from my dad. “Are you going to bed?”
I didn’t want to, but my sleepiness was taking over. “Yeah.”
“Don’t stay up too late on the phone,” my dad joked. Even he knew I almost never used it. In fact, I wasn’t even sure where it was.
“I won’t,” I promised before I crossed the kitchen. I wrapped my arms around both of them, barely able to hold onto them together, but they hugged me back. “I love you.”
“Oh, Jessie.” My mother patted my head before I broke away from them. Her frown lines, for once, were defined by a small smile. “You okay?”
I nodded. “I will be after I sleep.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but it was half of one, and I knew that was just as bad. I wanted to sleep and dream of a day I could tell them what I was. A shade. A light. Whatever I was, I wanted them to know.
“Then, get some rest.” My dad pushed my shoulder lightly, something he had done since I was a kid. He always did it when I hesitated, and I always stopped hesitating afterwards. “You have school in the morning.”
“I know.” I didn’t want to think about it. Seeing Zac or Robb, or the others, was beyond me. “I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
“Good night.”
I called it back at them as I rushed out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs. I didn’t stop running until I reached my bedroom, and I froze in the doorway when I opened it.
Eric—in his human form—was standing right in front of me, but his powers lingered in the air. He had transported inside, and the sparks of the Dark energy flooded my veins. No matter how tired I had been, the powers rejuvenated me.
We locked eyes, but we didn’t speak as I shut the door behind me. I locked it before I pressed my back against the wall. Even though my bedroom didn’t have a single light on, I could see him. My eyes adjusted. His human complexion was unlike his shade one. It was tan and alive, and his cheeks reddened as he fiddled with his shirt.
“Sorry for intruding,” he whispered. “Jonathon
knows I’m here.” His voice leapt up an octave. “And I wanted to see you. I had to see you,” he choked on the last word.
My guard was back in place. Even though I was home, I was being watched. Eric, too. None of us would be free until it was over. Until another person died. Until Eric killed someone just as I had. I knew that now, but I didn’t want to know it. I didn’t want him to know what it was like.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “Sorry for asking for Jonathon.”
Eric took one step, and I watched his feet as he took another one, inching closer and closer to me. I was motionless until he was right in front of me. I moved to him, and his arms were around my torso before I took another breath.
“It’s okay.” His hand curled and uncurled against my spine. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” His words were right against my ear.
My forehead pressed into his shoulder. “Did Jonathon tell you?”
Eric paused to move back, and I half-expected him to confess to it, but he didn’t. “Not a word.” He never looked away from me. “He said I should ask you myself.”
Jonathon had kept his promise, even though the promise was to keep a secret from his best friend.
I grabbed his hand, and I pulled him across the room to sit on my bed. I didn’t want my knees to shake when I told him. I didn’t want to find an excuse to keep it inside anymore, and Eric sat down next to me like he understood.
We sat beside each other, facing the wide window, and I stared at the sky as he leaned against me. Sitting next to Eric was different than sitting with Jonathon. Eric held my hand. His thumb moved across my skin, and when goose bumps traveled up my arm, Eric stopped holding my hand so he could rub them away.
I told him.
I explained every little moment, from the second Fudicia entered my room, to the confessions she gave, to the dinner, to Darthon torturing him in front of me. He already knew most of it, but I didn’t stop at the torture this time. I explained how I saw the knife at the last second, how it felt when I stabbed myself, how it was worse when I woke up.
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