by Claire Adams
“Wait, let me guess...Eryn Barnett?”
“Yes!”
“It's a damn crime that she’s been on the bench for so long. It really is. She has the most potential I've seen in a player since...since... Well, since I coached you all those years ago.”
“I know. She really does, and she really did us proud today.”
“Like you, Vinson, I think she could get to the top. I'm talking Olympics, Vinson, Olympics! Then the pro circuit. Just like you!”
“That's what I'm hoping for, too, Cal. I really am.”
We paused the conversation for a bit to sip on our beers. I wondered how I could steer the topic away from volleyball and more toward student-teacher relationships at the university without making anything too obvious.
“Cal, tell me about your coaching days. I mean...what was life like on the campus back when you first started there? You know, when you were a young man.”
“Hmm, well, I suppose it wasn't much different to how it is now. Of course, there weren't all them fancy gadgets and phones and computers and stuff, and I seem to remember kids spending a lot more time in the libraries back then instead of on computers.
“But that was back in the late ’70s and early ’80s, and I mean, the whole country was different back then. You know, we had just come out of Vietnam, where I served, you know, and...”
I listened to him go on and on, recounting stories about his early days at the University, and his time in Vietnam. It wasn't that I wasn't interested — he was telling me some pretty fascinating stuff — but I really was anxious to find out about the student-teacher relationship thing. I let him continue with his stories, but when there was a break in the conversation, I jumped in.
“Sounds like you had a real interesting time over those years there. I was wondering, though, what about the gossip side of things? You must have had some juicy stories to tell, right? I mean, did any professors, you know, get it on with their students and get caught?”
I asked about professors specifically because I knew if I mentioned coaches and players, he might figure that something was up with me.
He chuckled. “Ha ha! Well sure, it happened a few times. In fact, one guy I knew, he was a history professor. He ended up dating one of his graduate students.”
“Really, huh? And what happened with that?”
“Oh well, they had to keep things secret, real quiet. But they're married now, and have been for about twenty years! So I guess it was the right thing for them to do. Ya know, true love and all that.”
“And, he's still at Florida State?”
“Oh, hell no. When they discovered that he was dating his student, the university offered the pair of them the following choices: they could end their relationship immediately, or if they refused, either he had to resign from his post or she had to quit her degree.”
My heart sank. “So the policy was definitely against them.”
“Oh yeah. I mean, that's how it is in pretty much any university. It's a damned stupid thing to do, to get involved with one of the students.
“I mean, I get it. Hell, I'm a red-blooded male, I see all that ripe, young flesh struttin' around in skimpy outfits, I had plenty a'…how shall we say, impure thoughts about some a' them young women, but I never crossed the line, never. Not once.
“There's a big difference between fantasy and acting on it. And them's the rules! And you stick by 'em because that's how it is.”
“So, uh, what happened with this history professor and his student?”
“Oh, that guy? Well, he resigned. Got lucky and found a post at Florida West University, so it all worked out. She finished up at Florida State, they got engaged, and it ended happily ever after. But it was very lucky that he managed to find that other post.”
“Yeah, I guess it was,” I replied. “I guess it was.”
We talked for another hour about this and that, Cal told me a few more stories, but all the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about Eryn and that kiss.
I drove home from the restaurant feeling dejected. It seemed the policy was, for sure, absolutely no romantic relationships allowed between students and staff members, whether they were coaches, professors, or anything else.
I didn't know what was going to happen between Eryn and me. In fact, I didn't even know how to begin to talk about it. I hadn't heard from her, and I didn't really know what to say to her even if I had.
I knew that, technically, what we had done had constituted crossing a very strictly-drawn line and that, in terms of that, yes, it was wrong. But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling that it had been so, so right.
I had felt it; she had felt it. The unspoken words that had passed between us as we'd kissed had proven that it was something we had both wanted. And I had no clue how we could continue to deny the attraction, the pull, the feelings.
I guess that since I didn't really know what to do – and, apparently, neither did she, as I hadn't heard anything from her – I needed to at least think of something. Pacing my bedroom wasn’t getting me anywhere. I got out my phone and began composing a message.
Hi, Eryn. I just wanted to check on you after what happened in the parking lot. I was going to call, but if you’re with your mom, I don’t want to interrupt.
But here’s the thing… I don't know what to say. I want you to know that it wasn't planned, it just happened. I don't know why. But it felt right. Still, despite this, I know it probably wasn't what we should have done. Let's, for the moment, just continue as if it hadn't happened.
I admit, I care about you very, very much, but your volleyball career is my primary concern. You are one of the best players I've ever come across, and I don't want you to get in trouble with the university. And, I'm sure you can appreciate that I don't want to get in trouble, either. So, for both our sakes, let's just pretend it didn't happen…for now.
And remember, I'm here for you, if you need anything, anything at all. Including car repair. :)
I read the message again and realized that I didn't even know what I was trying to say – but I was really stuck. It was kind of the best I could come up with. Not that it was saying much. I sighed and sent it.
I waited with bated breath for a few minutes, and then my heart began to pound as the phone screen lit up with her reply. With anxious, fumbling fingers I opened the message.
Thanks, Wade. I agree. I can't afford to lose my spot on the team and my scholarship. I really can't. And as you said, I need to put my volleyball career first. So it's probably best that we pretend it didn't happen.
And furthermore, we need to make sure that it never, ever happens again. I'm sorry, but I don't want to cross this line between us again. I don't even want to get close to that line again. Ever.
I appreciate all the help you've given me, especially with my mom, but I think it's best that outside of the volleyball court, we keep a good distance from each other. I know you understand.
I couldn't help but sigh and shake my head. What she was saying made sense, of course, and it was the reasonable and rational way to approach this. It sounded, though, like she really, really regretted that kiss. Had I read too much into it? Had it not meant to her what it had meant to me?
I didn't know what she was actually feeling, but I was confused…and maybe a little hurt.
I typed out a simple response.
Thanks for the reply. I agree – your volleyball career comes ahead of everything else, and I am sorry for stepping over the line. It won't happen again. Have a great weekend.
I sent it and put the phone in my pocket, then flopped down on my bed and simply stared at the ceiling.
CHAPTER 13
Eryn
I didn't know what I was feeling in the car as I drove away. It all felt surreal; I couldn't believe that what had just happened had actually happened.
Had I really just been making out with Wade? Had that been real? It felt so much like a dream now that I was beginning to doubt my own sanity. This was crazy, it reall
y was. I knew I'd need time to think about all of this – and someone to talk to.
But who?
As much as Leena was my best friend, there was no way I could talk to her about this. I mean, she'd had no idea I'd even been attracted to Wade, or he to me. So, jumping straight into an “I just kissed Coach Vinson” conversation would most likely blow her circuits. Besides, it would just be easier to talk to someone who was totally outside the situation.
My sister. She and I had always been super close, and I knew that I could count on her to keep a secret – and to give me good, honest advice. Plus, she understood where I was coming from, as she knew the secret about my volleyball scholarship, and of course our family's financial situation and mom's current health woes. She knew all about each of these little disasters, so I thought she'd be able to give some good advice about how to deal with this latest situation and all the complexity it introduced into everything else.
I didn't want to call her from home, as Leena would be there and would no doubt hear what I was talking about, so I just carried on driving as I reached my building, and went straight past and headed to the park down the road. It was a big park which spanned the area of a few blocks, so if I went for a walk into the middle, I'd find a space where I'd be able to talk to Anne without having anyone too near who could hear our conversation.
I parked the car and started walking along the bike path. When I got near the little lake at the center of the park, I veered off the path and headed over to an open area of grass where there weren't many people around, only a few people riding bicycles on the bike path, some kids throwing frisbees around, and some couples picnicking here and there. For the most part, they were pretty spread out, so I felt it was private enough.
I got my phone out and dialed Anne. “Hey, Peanut,” she said as she answered.
“Hey, Annie,” I replied.
“Congrats on winning the game!” she exclaimed. “I know, I know…I've already sent you a million messages, but it's good to be able to say it to you. You seriously kicked ass out there. Your coach was so awesome to set that up on Skype for us! It was so cool to watch you play, Eryn, you were amazing!”
“Thanks, Annie,” I replied, still not sure of how to get onto the topic of Wade.
“How's Mom?” she asked. “She doing better?”
“I haven't seen her today yet. I called her after the game and talked to her, but she did sound better. I'm on my way to see her now.”
“Ah, good. I can't imagine how you must have felt when you found her like that. I wish I could be there to help out with everything; it's really not fair that you have to shoulder it all and-”
“No, Annie,” I interrupted her, “you shouldn't think like that. Anyway, you're coming out soon, and I think flying across the country to come help is more than enough. I've been able to handle things okay on my own so far.”
“Aw, you're the best, Eryn, really.”
“You're pretty awesome, too, Annie. You've always been my favorite big sister.”
Anne laughed. “Thanks, kiddo. I appreciate that.”
“Anytime. Look, that's why I need to ask your advice about something kinda serious.”
I had no doubt she could tell by the tone of my voice what I was about to say was serious. “Oh, this is something else? Not about Mom?”
“Uh huh.”
“All right, Eryn, go on. You know I'm always willing to help if I can.”
“Thanks. Ah, I really don't know how to say this...”
“Oh my God, you're not pregnant, are you?”
I couldn't help but laugh at how seriously worried she sounded, which helped lighten the mood a little, and made it easier to speak. “God no. Come on, you should know better than that,” I replied with a chuckle.
“Well, what is it then? Come on, don't keep me waiting in suspense like this!”
I breathed in deeply. There was no way to ease into this; I'd simply have to jump straight in.
“I kissed my coach.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
“You...wait. What? You kissed him? You kissed him how? Like a peck on the cheek?”
“I think you know what I mean, Anne.”
“Tongue?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Oh my God! You made out with him? I can’t believe you made out with him?!”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. I'm, uh, I'm sorry, it's just that… Well, that was the last thing I expected! But I can hear it in your voice – you're worried about it, so don't mistake my tone for me laughing about it or anything you know, it's just that I'm, well, very surprised, to say the least.”
“I'm sure you are – I was, too.”
“So you guys haven't been like...dating or anything.”
“Not at all. Well, we have been spending time together. Not in a 'dating' kinda way, though. He happened to be in the same place as me when my car broke down, and he offered to help me fix it.”
“He's a mechanic, too?”
“He said he's always been into messing around with cars and stuff. But anyways, that's beside the point. He helped with the car twice and didn't ask for anything in return. And the night I found Mom – I called him to help out, and he did, and he was supportive and helpful.
“And... I dunno, I guess I sensed that there was something there, that he felt something for me. And, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel something for him, especially after he kinda proved that I was wrong about what sort of guy I assumed he was.”
“And, what sorta guy was that?”
“You know – a guy like Tim. A selfish narcissist who uses his good looks to get women into bed, and then tosses them aside like old gum that's lost its flavor as soon as he gets bored with them. I mean, that's what you'd think about him, right, judging from what all that Hollywood gossip said, and the fact that he dated that trashy actress.
“But it turned out he's not that guy at all. At least, that's what it seems like now. He helped me without any expectation, without asking anything from me. And, he certainly didn't drop any hints about having ulterior motives.”
“All right, all right, I get it. But how did this kiss happen then?”
“Well, the last time he helped me with the car, which was actually just a short while ago, I asked if there was anything I could do to repay him for his help. He said something like 'a kiss would be good,' and even though it seemed like a joke – it also wasn't a joke. And both of us could see it, there was just this...this attraction between us, this real connection, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you're talking about.”
“So I just did it. I kissed him. I'm not sure what came over me, but I kissed him. And, I won’t lie, Annie, it was freaking amazing. It felt so, so right. Like all this silent, unspoken tension that had been building up between us all this time, like it just exploded.”
“So, you don't regret it? You don't think it was a mistake?”
“Well, those are two different questions. I don't regret it. But now I am thinking that maybe it was a mistake...if that makes sense.”
“I hear you. I mean, there's a serious conflict of interests going on here, isn't there? Because, you know, you've got your volleyball scholarship to think about, not to mention your spot on the team, and then there’s your future possible volleyball career, too. A relationship with your coach is just suicide.
“Look, Eryn, there's no other way it's going to be seen, but as a scandal. I am just going to say this straight up because I love you, and I want the best for you. You and he might have these feelings for each other, and there’s no way I can say anything about how real or intense those feelings may or may not be, but the fact is, letting this go any further than that kiss is the worst thing you could do.
“There's our family situation to think about, and your volleyball career and finishing your degree. Not to mention how it would impact his life.”
I sighed heavily, the weight of her words and my situation pressin
g down hard on my shoulders as Anne spoke. She was right, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to know it. I wanted to live in ignorance and kiss him again and again.
“I know, Anne, I know,” I replied softly.
“Sis, you gotta think rationally and clearly here. You really do. If you take any further steps with Wade, you could get in serious trouble.
“First, he's out of the limelight now, but you know what kind of a scandal the press could make of it if they find out he's dating one of his players. Second, you know the university will not tolerate it – not a chance. Your scholarship will be gone, and probably his job, as well.
“And, you know without that scholarship you can't afford to finish your degree. Especially now that Mom is in this situation. Also, we have all of her upcoming medical bills to think of. I mean, that right there, that's three strikes you've just been given. You're out, kiddo; you're out.”
I didn't know what to say. She'd just laid it out for me, clear as day. No matter how much I might have wanted it, there was no way I could get around the fact that a relationship between Wade and I could not progress past a simple coach and player relationship. I was just going to have to forget about how good that kiss had felt, how right it had felt, and how intense our connection to one another was.
“I know, Anne, I know,” I repeated. “Everything you've just told me makes perfect sense, and it's been swimming around my head, as well. I guess I just needed someone to spell it out for me.”
“I'm sorry I made it sound so harsh and cold, Peanut, but you have to understand that your whole future is at stake here. I'm not going to stand by and let my little sister throw the amazing life she has worked so hard for away for the sake of a fling with her coach. You need good, cold, hard advice right now. Not that I’ve ever been one to sugar coat things.
“You have to nip this in the bud, Eryn, you just have to. You should cut it off right now, and never let it happen again. Seriously, that's the only way to do this. Do you understand? You cannot risk your future. You just can't.”
“Yes, I understand, Annie. Thanks for putting it to me so bluntly.”