by N. K. Smith
But I guess it ends with me shoving his belongings out on the street like some stereotypical reality show girl. “I don’t want that.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I don’t want to put his stuff out like that. The paparazzi will—”
“That’s the least Danny deserves. Do I have to remind you that this isn’t the first time I’ve suspected he’s cheated? Now we have proof.”
I shake my head. “I’ll look horrible, and he’ll get sympathy, and everyone will—”
“Not when we leak it to the press that he’s was screwing around on you.”
I run my hands over my face, before I dig my fingertips into my eyes and take a deep breath. “No. I’ll still come off looking like a jilted loser. Besides, it’s probably my fault he looked somewhere else anyway. We just had a big fight about me being too concerned about my—”
“Well, we’re certainly not going to let him come home like everything is okay. There are fifty high class Hollywood men who would love to have an arrangement with you. You could push your name out there just like Liliana did with Devon Maddox, and now that you’re not attached to a . . . a . . . comedian, it’s your chance.”
Just the thought of being contractually obligated to be seen with some guy—hot Hollywood A-lister or not—makes me feel sick. “No, Elsie. I’m going to go home and wait for him, then ask him to get his stuff out of my house as soon as possible.”
It’s quiet in the car, and I can feel the fuming anger coming off her. I’m the one getting cheated on, but she’s the one who is pissed off. I almost feel numb. I guess I’m accepting it at this point. Danny is cheating on me right now, and according to Elsie, he’s probably done it before. I used to think she was just paranoid, but apparently not. Apparently, I’m just a fool.
Besides, how can I be angry? Like he said to her, Summer can take a compliment. Men want women who are confident. Maybe if I hadn’t been so obsessed with my weight, we would’ve had a better relationship. Maybe if I’d just had a little confidence, real confidence, he wouldn’t have wanted to look for another lover. He just told me today what he wanted in a woman. God, I’m so stupid.
I look at my manager. Her eyes are narrowed and her lips are pursed. “What?” I ask.
“This is the problem with you, Adra sweets. You’re never willing to make big moves. You always think there’s an easy way, but most of the time there isn’t. There’s a way that you can make something work for you, but you rarely choose it, and when you do choose it, you whine about it later.”
I wrap my arms around my torso. “I do not.”
“Yes, you know you do. Take Outside the Club for example. It took you forever to see my side, and then after you said you’d do it, all you’ve done is complain. I have to get too skinny for it. I don’t like taking my clothes off on camera. It’s not Max Lang. I don’t—”
“Okay, okay, okay!” I hold up my hands to stop her. I guess I sound like a little baby. From the way she tells it, I’m an ungrateful, spoiled Hollywood brat. “I get it.”
“You never trust me.”
“I trust you plenty. I—”
Elsie’s eyes are fiery now. “No, you don’t. I get that you have trust issues. God knows with parents like yours . . .” She lets her voice drift off, but only for a moment. “Listen, sweets, you need to end this with Danny in a big way. Let’s go home, pack up his shit, and put it outside. It doesn’t have to be to the street, it can be inside the gate, but he needs to get a clear understanding that it’s over.”
I don’t want to fight any more. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to argue. If I don’t change the topic now, I’m just going to outright give in, and I’m not sure I can handle giving in yet another time. “I’m still drunk, and I’m tired.”
She digs around her in her little clutch. “I’ve got something for that.” Elsie produces a little, clear vial with white powder inside.
“No, Elsie.” How many times do I have to tell her? Even though she says it’ll give me a boost, I don’t ever want to depend on chemical energy, and I certainly don’t want to get addicted to it.
“Listen, just do it once. Do it tonight. We’ll work together and get his shit out of the house. The effects will be gone by morning, I swear.”
“You’re my manager. Aren’t you supposed to be keeping me away from party drugs?” I should probably be more forceful, but I can’t muster the energy to sound anything else but spent.
“Where’s the party?” She smiles as she tilts her head. It makes her look soft, like an angel to my alcohol-sodden brain. “You’re not using it to have fun. There’s no harm in using medication, Adra swe—”
“It’s not medication, though. It’s cocaine, and it’s addictive.”
Elsie chuckles and looks at me like I’m a naïve little kid. “Aww. You sound just like a robot reading an anti-drug pamphlet. It’s not addictive if you just do it once. Come one, sweets. Do it once so we can clean out your house, and I’ll never ask you about it again.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Never, ever?”
“Not ever again.” She drops the vial into her lap and holds one hand up like she’s taking an oath and the other hand out to me as if to shake on the deal. “Danny’s not good for you. I’ve never thought he was high-profile enough to be worth your time, and now he’s cheating on you with some nobody? Think logically. Think about all the ways this could play out. Don’t you want to be the one in control? You know what Liliana would do, right?”
Elsie knows she has me now. The mere mention of my friend cracks my resolve. She turns her lips up in such a way that it could be a sincere smile or a devilish smirk. “This will make you feel so much better. I know you’re sick and tired of feeling like you’re a doormat, of feeling like—”
Just to shut her up, I place my hand in hers. “Just this once, and you’ll never mention it to me again.”
Elsie licks her lips as her whole face lights up with anticipation.
Chapter 13
The thing I’ve just realized about doing coke is that one line makes you want to do another. And when you’ve had that second line, you can’t help but want more. The night speeds into morning, and before I’m even aware of it, most of Danny’s stuff is outside, and I don’t feel a thing.
Elsie leaves with a little hug and a peck on the cheek. I don’t know why she won’t stay for a little bit, just until Danny makes his way back, but I don’t ask her. I feel much too happy to ask about something so trivial like that. The frenetic energy I got after my first couple of lines has worn off, but I still feel pretty damned euphoric. I feel like I could conquer the world if I chose to.
At eight in the morning, Danny’s still not home. It seems like I should document this momentous day. I mean, sure I failed at winning an award last night, but I’m taking charge of this situation. Danny cheated on me, and I’m kicking him out. It’s a huge step, I think. So I turn on my cell’s camera. First I take some selfies because I think it would be interesting to see how happy I look when the high wears off, but then I turn on the video and start shooting how my house looks without Danny’s childish stuff in it, and then I capture what his shit looks like in front of my house.
I can’t believe I let him move in with me in the first place. Elsie had told me he’d be bad for me, but I hadn’t listened.
Just as I’m about to turn off the recording, Danny steps out of a cab and opens the gate with the passcode. I keep recording and can’t keep the huge smile off my face as he walks up to me. Everything he owns is in front of him, and he keeps looking left and right, and then at me. “Hey, babe, uh, what’s . . . what’s going on?”
“How was Summer, babe?”
I can’t interpret his expression. He’s nibbling his lower lip, his eyes are a bit vacant, and his brows are drawn together. He lets out a long, pained sigh and rubs his hands against the slick fabric of his pants. Now he won’t look at me. In fact, he turns away, which is how I know the flirting with Summer led to something more.
“Adra,” he says when he turns back toward me, “I—”
I shut the camera off. “Get your shit, babe, and get off my property.”
“Adra, don’t . . .” He continues talking, but I turn away from him.
“I get that I’m not the best girlfriend, but you could’ve dumped me before you fucked her.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
I slam the door and am inside before I can hear anything else.
I call security and let them know that after he gets his shit off my lawn, Danny is no longer welcomed here. I instruct them to change the passcode for the gate and the locks on all the doors.
I still feel great and ready to conquer any other situation that may come up. I’d never realized something like cocaine could help keep all of my emotions in check. I don’t have to feel a damned thing I don’t want to!
In the kitchen, I find a little bit of coke left on the counter and finish it off.
Chapter 14
I have no idea how long I sleep when the cocaine wears off, but when I wake, I feel really, really good. It’s like even though the high is gone, the chemical confidence is still within me. My too-skinny body doesn’t matter anymore because I own it. My cheating boyfriend doesn’t matter anymore because I decided to control the relationship and kicked him out.
Stretching as I sit up in bed makes me think that perhaps I slept a very, very long time. My muscles feel stiff and locked as I reach for my phone, but before I can check out how many messages I have, I see that it’s already three in the afternoon on Tuesday. I was supposed to be on set this morning at five.
I take a deep breath, and let it out in measures as if I’m doing yoga. I’m not going to let this bring me down. I had Monday off because I expected the ceremony and after-party on Sunday to run late, but I’ve totally missed my call today.
But fuck it. I’m the star of this film, and everyone can just deal with it. I pay Elsie to take care of these things for me. She can just tell them I was sick.
Another look at the phone tells me I’ve missed thirteen calls. Many from Elsie, some from Peter, one or two from Danny, one from Megan and one from Liliana. I get out of bed and let the messages play on speakerphone as I stumble through my quiet house. The gist from Elsie is that I need to look on the Locker’s Confidential blog, and that Lenny’s pissed, but she’s taking care of it. Peter wants to know if I’m okay. He saw whatever’s on the blog and television and is worried about me. Danny calls me a bitch twice, but then apologizes and says he thinks if I can get over it, we can get back together. Meg says she feels lost and doesn’t know what’s happened or why I’ve done what I’ve done. And Lili just wants me to know she’s here for me if I want to talk.
I don’t do anything until I’ve brewed my coffee. With steaming cup in one hand, I pop the bread into the toaster. I eat five pieces—diet be damned—and enjoy how full my belly feels. Then I wind my way through my large, empty house until I’m in my even quieter office. It’s dark and cool. My hermit cave.
I power up my laptop, check out the weather and my horoscope, and then click into Locker’s Confidential. Again, I take a deep breath in and let it out as slowly as I possibly can.
There are five entries with my name in big, bold, red letters. I click on the latest article and hope it has everything so I don’t have to read any further.
It seems Adra Willows, 24, is channeling her newest role in her real life. She plays a hard partying stripper, and after Sunday’s award show, our insiders say that not only did she get extremely drunk, but she draped herself over already taken men until she finally stumbled out with the aid of her manager.
While we think she took her Best Actress loss to friend Liliana Addison hard, we can’t help but notice Adra’s slight frame has whittled away even further in the past few months. Could something else be going on in the young star’s life?
The answer, we found out early Monday morning, is yes. The usually reserved star uploaded a video to several of her social media accounts showing her breakup with her boyfriend of two years, Danny Wise. The couple arrived at the awards show holding hands and smiling (see the slideshow to the right), but check out the video below. No hearts and flowers now.
This newest revelation deepens the initial question: What’s going on in Adra’s life and adds a few others. First, is the “Summer” she refers to in the video Summer Mayes, star of television’s newest college soap? If Danny Wise was cheating, how long has it been going on? What will both stars do now? And will her role in Lenny Waters’s much anticipated project give Adra a chance to win an award even more prestigious than Liliana Addison’s Golden Reel? Representatives for both Mr. Wise and Ms. Willows were unavailable for comment.
I click on the video and watch the replay of my conversation with Danny as he took in the sight of his belongings scattered across my driveway. There’s nothing horrible about the video; I’m actually glad to see it because I don’t remember much about the encounter, but I’m less than thrilled to have it out there in the world for everyone else to see.
I wonder what I was thinking when I uploaded it, but then I remember I was high. I’m sure my racing, chemically altered brain wasn’t thinking of much.
I pick up my phone and text Peter: I’m fine. Then I text Elsie: Sorry for skipping out today. My alarm wasn’t set. Tell me how much trouble I’m in. I text Liliana next: Hey, girl, what’s the number for your publicist? I think I need one. Finally, I shoot off an e-mail to Danny:
I’m tired of feeling like a victim of life. I’m not going to get over it; so instead, I’m going to get over you. I loved you in a certain way, and I think we had a good time together. I just wish I would’ve realized what an idiot you took me for.
Chapter 15
It’s been well over a month since I got rid of Danny. It feels great to be free of someone who didn’t really care about me anyway. He’s tried to contact me a few times, but mainly I think he wants to clear his conscience. I’m over it though. Moving on.
The relationship was doomed anyway, right? So I guess it worked out well enough. I mean, except for how public the break up was. If I hadn’t done that coke, it wouldn’t have been all over the TV and magazines. The paparazzi cover is worse than ever, but there’s nothing I can do about it now, so, again, I’m moving on. Although Elsie’s offered some coke to me, I haven’t done any since that night. I’ve barely even drank.
Okay, there was that night a week after the story about my breakup went public. I drank a bottle of wine by myself, but the headache the next day has been enough to stop me from wanting to drink since.
And for the record, I am never doing coke again.
Ever.
***
I feel good. No, scratch that. I feel awesome. Now that I’m single again and have decided to take control of things, I can see so many new opportunities. Take this film for instance, yeah, it’s a movie about a stripper, and yes, I get naked a few times, but it’s a Lenny Waters film, and that means something. Despite the nudity, I have a real chance of being propelled upward and onward because of this role, and I won’t have to take my clothes off for my next role because I’ve asked Meg to send scripts straight to me now. Elsie can read the scripts after I weed out ones I don’t like, and only then can she make recommendations. She might have been right about Outside the Club, but it’s definitely time to turn the corner in my career.
I haven’t told her I’m switching it up like this. I have to wait for the right moment with her.
I’m excited about pursuing a relationship with someone unlike Danny. While I may be self-involved, he was just selfish. This time around, I want a man who can put my needs first more than Danny did. Which was nearly never. I want a relationship I can control, but I don’t want to use a guy the way Lili uses them. I don’t want them to increase my fame; I w
ant them to increase the happiness in my life. How ridiculous does that sound? But still, it doesn’t have be anything serious. It can be casual, fun, and sexy. There doesn’t have to be feelings or responsibility involved, but it doesn’t have to totally be about sex either. I’m open to whatever.
I already have someone in mind.
As I swing around this pole yet again, I linger on a gaffer. Like everyone else, he has nothing to do while the film rolls, and he has to be silent, so he’s standing still with his fingers wrapped around a lighting support. When Lenny yells “cut!”, the tall, muscular guy with sandy brown hair turns his attention from me to the lights. To say he’s good looking would be an understatement. I know the world looks to Hollywood and fashion industries to find their ideals of the human form, but this guy is sexier than any actor I’ve ever seen, but maybe that’s because he’s a real man, not a fake putting on airs. He doesn’t seem like the type to overthink his hairstyle or his wardrobe choice. He probably leaves his house thinking only about the functionality of his clothes and not about how he’ll look to other people.
Lenny is talking to Nathan Ferguson, whose character is supposed to fall in obsessive love with mine during this scene, while the makeup team retouches my makeup from head to toe. I’ve got a G-string on, but nothing else, so they powder just about everything. Still, I keep my eyes on the guy fixing a light. When he’s finished twisting some gear-like knob on the lighting support, he turns back and our eyes meet.
Even though the light is bright enough to blind, I can see the skin on his face turn red. He bows his head, but not before scanning the length of my body. I hope he’s not taking an inventory of all of my imperfections. It’d be a long list. No. I can’t let myself get distracted by all that crap again. I’m supposed to be the confident version of me.