Purgatorium

by J. H. Carnathan

  “Oh, I was hoping to catch you before you left,” she says, smiling. “I made breakfast.”

  It’s not her, I think.

  “Don’t say anything,” she continues. “This is your big promotion day. I know you hate kind gestures, but I got you something else for this momentous occasion. I was going to surprise you, but I couldn’t wait. I hope you like it!”

  Madi walks over to the closet and looks around inside of it. “I hid it last night hoping you would find it in the stars,” she says, smiling coyly at me. “Poo, I know it’s around here somewhere. I’m sure I’ll find it when you’re gone. Just pretend I didn’t say anything, okay?”

  I look out the room and to the mirror in the bathroom. I see my reflection smile at me. I watch as my reflection yells at Madi and pushes her to the floor. I look away not wanting to believe that I would ever do that to Madi. I turn back to the mirror to see Madi, but instead I see the hourglass flipping over.

  5 Minutes

  I feel anxious and scared at the same time. I am finally on my own. I don’t need my watch. I can do this on my own, I continue saying to myself.

  I walk back to the living room and, while passing the glass case, notice the hatchet is missing. It’s just another trick, I think. I open my front door and see a stocking full of packs of gum by my feet.

  Across the hall, the waitress leaves her apartment, locking up behind herself. I see that she is alive and well again. I look at her, wanting to apologize for everything, but I know nothing will come out. She puts her hand over my mouth and smiles at me. Then she picks up the stocking, takes out a piece of gum, and splits it in half. She puts one in her mouth and hands me the other.

  I take it and put it in my mouth, knowing I can’t actually taste it. We look at each other as if she was telling me that we are okay. She nods her head and walks away. I watch her go to the elevator out of the corner of my eye.

  Suddenly, Raphael is standing beside me. “So…?” says Raphael. I jump up in shock, causing my stocking to fall to the floor. “You’re just going to let her walk away? And you’re just gonna stand there and chew your gum? Really? Chewing your half of the piece of gum? That’s what you are going to do? Smells like doubt. You doubting yourself, boy?”

  I look at him in anger, wondering why he is still here.

  “Only one chick in this whole place and he doubts himself. Typical white boy shyness! Why you looking at me crazy like that? I’m leavin’! Just wanted to grab some food to last me through the day is all!” He takes the stocking off the floor and pulls out a gum packet to show me.

  I walk slowly toward the elevator, Raphael urging me forward every few steps. I look behind, wondering why he is following me.

  “I’m not taking the stairs. You can take the stairs, Little Bow Peep.”

  Can’t you just use your wings and fly out the window? I think to him. He looks back over at me as if he just smelled a fart. The elevator doors open.

  “I’m sorry, do you see my wings behind me? I mean I haven’t looked back there in quite some time now. Did this place change the rules on me, having my wings back when I was on the toilet or something? Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise to the sinful man that is gonna have your naked butt first once you enter hell. Get in the elevator, fool!”

  He pushes me into the elevator and walks in behind me, dropping the stocking on the floor. Staring at the painting, he says, “That’s a misinterpretation piece, right there. Someone took a lot of pride and not much else, developing this monstrosity of fine craftsmanship.”

  I don’t understand. Does that mean he loves it or hates it?

  Raphael looks at me and then at the panel of buttons. I just watch Raphael, thinking of what he wants from me now.

  “Do you know who I am?” Raphael asks, pausing for me to respond. I remain silent. “And again the Lord said to Raphael: ‘Bind Azazel hand and foot, and cast him into the darkness, and make an opening in the desert and cast him there in. And place upon him rough and jagged rocks, and cover him with darkness, and let him abide there forever, and cover his face that he may not see light. And on the day of the great judgment he shall be cast into the fire.’ Meaning you best be pushing that button, before I make you press it. Got it, cracker?”

  I press the L button for the lobby and the elevator doors close. Today is going to be a long day, I think. Never thought an angel to be racist. Raphael slams his hand against the red emergency stop button. The elevator jerks to an abrupt stop.

  We stand there in silence for a few seconds. Raphael, looking in front of him, says, “You think you know everything, don’t you? Hang around Gabriel for the day and you got the whole thing figured out, don’t ya?”

  He looks at my scar across my neck where I cut myself and smirks. “Never once while you been here did you ever cut yourself. I noticed it the first time I saw you a few days ago. The reapers didn’t quite finish the job when they erased your memories, did they? Bet you been experiencing some crazy hallucinations then. Your mind not believing the truth from the fiction?”

  I look back at him, wanting to know what he knows about what is happening to me. He puts his hand around my neck and presses his thumb against my scar.

  “You have the gift to regenerate yourself. I bet you also didn’t know that either. But it is true. That was what I was gonna teach you today. That scar can be gone in an instant if you…well you will figure it out. Like you said before, you don’t need a babysitter anymore cleaning up your crap. I am paraphrasing.”

  He lets go of my neck as I take my hand to feel my scar. Why would I even need to learn something like that anyways? The scar will be back gone tomorrow, I think.

  “Well on the day of the big race, a reaper could come along and in a nice way slice your arms, legs, head, or torso right off. But that’s just me naming a few things. You will be fine. Don’t you worry your sweet little head about it.”

  I know what Raphael is doing and I will not give in to his abuse. I will find a way to learn how to heal myself. Starting with my scar.

  Raphael looks at the L button and then at me again, smiling. I roll my eyes a little and push the button once more. I look at my wrist to find out what the time is until I remember that I am not wearing my watch. Glancing up, I turn towards Raphael. He looks at me trying not to laugh at my forgetfulness. I see my reflection through the elevator doors and notice the scar on my neck. I try and focus on it. Go away scar. I command you body to repair me.

  Raphael laughs, puts a cigarette in his mouth, lights a match, and inhales. He exhales smoke and starts humming “Man in the Mirror.”

  “I’m going to make a change, for once in my life. Ooh!” he sings. I look at him awkwardly.

  The elevator reaches the lobby and the doors open. Smoke wafts out the door. Raphael flicks his cigarette out in front of him and starts dancing like Michael Jackson, still humming “Man in the Mirror.”

  I step out of the elevator, following Raphael, but try to keep some distance from him. Hopefully, he will finally leave me alone. Raphael moonwalks through the revolving front doors. I step in behind him. We walk slowly, keeping pace with the doors. Raphael steps out first. When I am halfway out, Raphael quickly takes my right arm. He pushes the door back, jamming my arm between the outside wall and the door.

  10 Minutes

  “The great Prefontaine once said, ‘To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.’ But souls like you make the world stop spinning. Think about that as you try to repair this.”

  I now see Raphael has the hatchet from inside my apartment. He swings it swiftly and expertly, cutting my right arm off instantly. My arm hits the ground and it breaks into electric blue puzzle-like pieces. There’s no blood, either on the ground or on my arm; just a bright electric blue can be seen coming out of my right shoulder.

  Raphael stretches his arm in and snatches out my Jack of hearts card from my
upper jacket pocket.

  “Matthew 5:30. ‘And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.’” He begins ripping the card into tiny pieces. “Today we are going to cut away at your soulful body, piece by piece, cleaning away your doubts and reforming you back to new.”

  He then twists his hand around and almost magically my card appears,back to normal, in his hand. He places it back inside my jacket and whispers softly after a serious pause, “Today begins your revival.”

  I don’t feel any pain, just confusion and shock. Raphael reaches inside his jacket, pulls out a cigarette, strikes a match, and lights it before moonwalking up the street and around the corner. “One hand Sally, hurry up! You best not to run late!” shouts Raphael, smiling and then laughing.

  I just stand there in a stupor. I finally regain my wits, conscious of the time. I push the revolving doors forward and walk out.

  I look over to where my car should be but it’s been replaced by a crappy Buick Roadmaster. Is he kidding with me right now? Why do they keep messing with my car?!

  I hurry to get in, only to see Raphael waiting in the passenger seat, and start the car. God sure does pick’em, I think with a sarcastic tone.

  I press the pedal down hard as the car goes from 0 to 90 in a matter of seconds. I turn the wheel onto the intersate, wishing I had my other arm to make it easier. The car bangs around a couple of cars like a pinball machine. Driving with one arm is not what I call helping out my situation, I think.

  I look back at Raphael, hoping he heard me. Instead, I see him calmly gazing out the window. He somehow seems different. I look down and notice the hourglass necklace around Raphael’s neck. That wasn’t there before. Also, he hasn’t smoked once since I have been driving either. I wonder if he can hear my thoughts? Let’s try it out.

  I look at Raphael and think to myself, You were right, it was because you were a black angel.

  I crunch up not knowing what he is going to do. Raphael just sits there like it didn’t even faze him. What is going on? That coin is making him act differently for some reason.

  “Would you sell your eye for one million dollars?” Raphael says still looking out the window. “How about both for $20 million?” He looks to me and continues. “Your eyes are priceless, yet they are merely the windows of your soul. Your eyes are worth nothing compared to the value of your soul. Mark 9:47 says, ‘If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into the hell fire.’”

  Still looking at him, I try to understand what he just said. Suddenly, without looking, I hit a car in front of me. The steering wheel spins out of control. I look out my car and notice that I am about to collide with the off-ramp to the left. In my head I think, Where does the left side to this interstate go? The right leads to the coffee shop but what happens if I turn left? Maybe a bad thing to be thinking about in the moment when I should be thinking about the time, reapers, or how angry Raphael is going to be at me.

  I look to Raphael and he still seems oddly calm. Not even shocked of what is going on.

  Curious.

  I get back focused when I see the truck carrying the glass is up ahead. I try to grip the wheel with just my one arm but it isn’t strong enough. The car is seconds from touching the glass cargo, which would break the hourglass, calling the reapers out to get me. I can’t hold it any longer!

  Suddenly, Raphael puts his left arm around the steering wheel. He grips the wheel tight as the car swings back over to the right, barely missing the glass. The car straightens out and Raphael takes back his hand.

  I turn my head to the left and see the truck passing me. I notice the hourglass in the reflection of the glass. It’s still pouring, letting me know that I am more early than late. I sigh deeply and slow my speed way down. I turn to Raphael and gesture a smile of smooth confidence. He looks at me almost too seriously. I return to face the road, afraid that my other arm will get chopped off next.

  I drive off the interstate as I watch Raphael look up ahead to the right to see the coffee shop. Next thing I know he pulls the emergency break and the car comes to a complete stop. My face flies forward and hits the wheel. I look over to him in a rage of confusion.

  Raphael leans over me and locks my door. Now I’m scared.

  He looks straight in my eyes and says, “I need to tell you something.”

  I stare into his green eyes and something that I can’t explain seems off about him. His eyes are still green but looking into them, he seems more at peace than usual.

  “This is something that you need to know. We have waited till now to tell you because you are ready to hear it. It’s almost like putting too much into a blender, what happens?

  Before I could even think about his strange analogy, Raphael continues.

  “Before I tell you, you need to be content. Are you content?”

  I cringe uncontrollably at that word again. He keeps a heavy gaze on me, letting me know right then that he knows my weakness.

  He says again, “Are you content?”

  I wince, thinking about the word “content.” A word that I was a slave to in this place. I word that has left a wound in me that will never heal. I will not go back.

  I stare at him, nodding my head no.

  My watch beeps.

  15 minutes.

  “I see. You’re still afraid of what that word means to you. Do you know what content means?”

  I am utterly pissed at what he just said. Like I don’t know what ‘content’ means. Content is the thin line between nothingness and hopelessness.

  “Being content means being in a state of peaceful happiness.”

  I sit there quietly, feeling unsure about who is right or wrong when in comes to the word in question. I bow my head.

  “Happiness. A word you never could understand. But tell me this, how can one believe they are truly happy when they can’t express it, feel it, or even show it? You can’t. It wasn’t until a few days ago you understood what that word meant to you. After Madi.”

  I look up to him after hearing her name. I feel a coldness hit me.

  “Being content also means that you are in control of yourself. It is a self-revelation on what you deem is pure to your own soul. But as you well know, you can be deceived on being content. A demon’s whisper can play tricks on you. It clouds your reasoning on what you think content is. To some people that listen, find cheating people out of their money can lead to easy currency in their own pocket. They assume that lots of money makes them content. Not knowing good and well that it only eats up their soul. That is why I think you are ready to find what makes you truly content. Money and power or pure happiness. There is only one thing standing in your way to make the decision. To make you content.”

  I begin to shiver, thinking it was because the last word he said. I release the cold oxygen from my mouth. Though I am wondering now if it was the word or the cold air that has now swooped in. I hold in my breath, forcing my body to get use to the colder climate.

  “The spawn to your ultimate sin.”

  My demon? Does that mean he wants me to go inside the tree?

  I look out through the park towards the tree.

  “Your demon...is not inside that tree. It’s out here in the open. Posing as an Angel.”

  Stunned, I look back to Raphael. My mind starts to race with questions, then just one.

  “I know what you must be thinking. I could very well be your demon. It could be any one of us and it’s okay to have your suspicions. But remember, a demon’s only weapon is its mouth. Its sinful words alone can make an honest man lie. A civil man, a murderer. A weak man, suicidal. And all you have to do to prevent your demon from causing your life chaos is just not to listen. Don’t
push away the people that are trying to help you recover. To help you learn how to survive. To help you one day live a long life. You may have not remembered your childhood growing up, but that doesn’t mean that I have to re-teach you the fundamentals on what’s right and wrong. You already know that because you are not a fool that believes you don’t have a choice. You have the choice and you can prove it to me and yourself right now by either choosing to go it alone or not alone. But I pray for you to realize that you are never alone.”

  Raphael moves his eyes up and closes them. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “No matter how crazy we all may seem, just know we believe in you. Let that be enough.” Raphael takes his hand back, opens his door, and walks out.

  I am taken back by Raphael’s words. I watch him walk away as I start to see the snow falling on the windshield.

  I totally forgot about how cold it was! Michael was right! The more I let my body get use to the colder climate, the more my body adjusts to the condition. I better get inside the coffee shop.

  I open my door, walk out, and try to find Raphael but I don’t see him any longer. I run towards the coffee shop and make my way inside.

  I look over at the hourglass in the window’s reflection. I watch it trickle its sand and realize that Raphael is right. I only have one shot at this and one arm. Staring at the space where my arm should be, I feel glad that he didn’t chop off my leg instead. I continue watching the hourglass until it turns over.

  20 Minutes

  Arriving at the park, I take in its newly awakened spring beauty. Raphael is still nowhere to be seen. I look up at the Ferris wheel and feel like today is a nice day to take a ride up. I run up the hill, making my way to my favorite bench. I reach the top and look down to see a field of Madi’s favorite flower stretching out across the rest of the park. There are sunflowers everywhere, and the oak tree is no longer dead, but rather full of life. I stop myself, looking still at the tree. No one is here to persuade me not to go in this time.

  I run down the hill past the Ferris wheel and stop at the statue. I look inside its glass box as it portrays the hourglass in its reflection, and think to myself, I have enough time. I walk to the tree and, though still in shock, remember that the tree holds answers. I must know why I am here. I open the tree’s door and enter the dark space.