Purgatorium

  “I’m letting you go, son. I will leave the light on for you so you can pack your belongings,” Mr. Donald says. “Just remember to shut it off when you leave.”

  Mr. Donald walks out, turning off all the lights but one and shutting the door behind him. The Christmas lights glow, casting shadows of branches around the room. Sunk in misery, I sigh heavily.

  Just then my work phone lights up. I look at the caller ID display. It’s Madi. Great, I say sarcastically. What am I going to tell her? I have to find some excuse to buy me time to think.

  I stand up from the desk, quickly pacing back and forth. I walk out of the office and into the hallway. The phone’s ring echoes through the silent office building, almost as if it were haunting me to pick up. Most of the lights are out but there is a Christmas tree decorated and lit in the sitting area next to the elevator.

  I get an idea and walk back over to the phone and reluctantly pick it up. “Hey!” I answer, quickly interjecting before she can say anything. “I am going to be late again.”

  After a moment of silence, she replies, her voice flat, “It’s Christmas Eve.”

  “I know. I will try to make it back as soon as possible.” Madi says nothing. “Tell Anna I love her.”

  “Tell her yourself,” Madi replies softly. I hear a faint music playing over the phone, and then the sound of Anna and Madi singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose…”

  The sound pulls on my heartstrings. At that moment, the elevator doors ahead of me open. Madi is carefully holding a small portable record player in her right arm, while also holding hands with Anna. Madi’s voice comes from the recording.

  “Here’s a song I wrote for you.” Soft piano music starts to play. Madi sings, “You are that December morning. You are the first snow falling, covering me, all around me. You are everything I wanted. You are all that I asked for every year, and now you’re finally here…”

  I am mesmerized by the lyrics as I listen to her beautiful voice. They continue walking toward me. Madi stops and puts the record player on a table next to the Christmas tree. The music continues playing. Anna runs forward and hugs me around the legs as Madi continues singing.

  “What are you two doing here?” I ask, bending over and picking up my daughter. I kiss her on the cheek as Madi gets to the end.

  “You are that December morning, and now you’re finally here.” The record stops as she gives me a hug.

  Madi reaches into her bag and pulls out a large, thin, square package wrapped in shiny red paper. She walks over to me and Anna. Anna kisses me on the cheek.

  “Merry Christmas, Daddy! You can’t be alone on Christmas!”

  I try to keep forcing a smile. I look at Anna with wide eyes. “I think there’s a surprise from Santa Claus for you, Anna.” She looks at me, full of excitement. “I think he left it in my coat. You want to check for me?” I put Anna down.

  “He remembered this year!” she shouts to mommy. I remember, despondently, how I hadn’t gotten them presents last year because I gambled my money away. Even though I did remember the gift was only five dollars at a pawn shop. It still isn’t good enough to be called a gift.

  I will make it up to them, I think. I will save up so I can finally take them to where Madi and I were supposed to have our honeymoon. I remember it was a small island with a little blue shelled colored house right in the middle of it. The ocean seemed so clear. Anna has never seen the ocean before, I recall in my mind.

  Anna runs through the open door on my left, across from Mr. Donald’s office. She runs back out carrying a wrapped box, already starting to pull the bow off.

  “Should we wait for Daddy to open his?” Madi asks, looking at Anna, smiling.

  The little girl smiled brightly. “Can I go first?” she asks, hopefully.

  “I think I will be okay going second this one time,” I say, looking at Anna and sitting down on the chair beside the tree.

  “You can share mine!” she says, beaming. I help her crawl up onto my lap.

  Anna tears the ribbon off. Looking at her, I take a corner of the wrapping paper and pull on it. She grabs my hand and pulls it back recklessly, laughing. The paper quickly rips off, revealing a small, plain, white box. Anna pulls the lid off, looks inside, her eyes wide with anticipation. She puts her little hand in and, making a small grunting sound, pulls out a snow globe. Anna smiles uncertainly. Seeing her look, I take the orb and shake it, handing it back to her. Her eyes light up, watching the white particles moving around above and through the city inside.

  “Your mommy had something just like this a long time ago from her mommy,” I say, now noticing the music box at the base and realizing that it is the very same snow globe from the other world.

  Anna winds up the bottom and “The Light in the Piazza” begins to play. Anna yells out with excitement, “It’s yours and mommy’s song!” My inner self starts coming out as I think, I didn’t know it could play music. I erase the thought from my head and say to her, “Mommy sang this to you every night when you were a baby. I like to think it’s all of our song.”

  Anna, enthralled by the inner landscape and the music, runs her finger along the base. We hear a click, and the city slowly separates into two separate halves inside the globe, revealing a photo of Madi and little baby Anna.

  “Mommy’s mama always put a photo of her and your mommy inside,” I say, smiling lovingly. “She used to call your mom her ‘little hidden treasure.’”

  “Was this the first picture you took of me?” Anna asks. “I was so small.”

  “Yes, and you’re still small, my little girl.” I tickle her. Anna laughs.

  “Does this mean now I’m your ‘hidden treasure,’ too?”

  “Always, little girl.”

  Anna smiles and giggles as she throws her arms around me and squeezes me with all of her might. “Merry Christmas, Daddy!”

  I look over at Madi who has tears in her eyes. She wipes them away. Anna turns to Madi, holding the snow globe up for her to see.

  “That is beautiful, little girl,” she says to Anna.

  “Can I give him mine now, mommy?”

  Madi nods. Anna walks off for a few seconds, then comes back with a small package, almost shaped like a book. She hands it to me. As I begin opening it, I find that it’s a leather bound book with a locked hatch over it.

  “It’s a logbook!” Anna screams with excitement. Madi stops her by saying, “It’s not a logbook sweatheart; it’s a hidden storybook.”

  “Hidden?”

  “Yes, hidden. Only your daddy can read the story. It comes from your daddy’s imagination. As he thinks of it, he then writes the words on the blank pages, making his own personal storybook come alive.”

  Anna looks in amazement. “Wow! That’s cool! Can you read me the story once you’re finished, Daddy?”

  I look to Anna, smiling and saying, “ Yes. Of course. I will even put you in it. How does that sound?”

  She climbs back onto me with overly happy energy. “Really?! Can you make me a princess?”

  “I wouldn’t imagine it any other way, little girl. Thank you for this.” Her childlike laugh pulls at my heartstrings. She hugs me again. I look over to the expensive book, realizing how much this cost Madi.

  Madi sits down beside me and Anna and kisses us both on the cheek. I secretly mouth the words, “Thank you” to her. Madi nods and puts a thin, square package on my lap.

  “My turn. I hope you like it.”

  I look at Anna with open eyes, then back down at the present and tear away the wrapping. I see Madi’s face on the front of the album. The exact same photo I have seen on the billboard from the other world. Flipping it over, I read the credits:

  “Produced by Madi.”

  “How did you…?” I am in shock.

  “I had the church music director m
ake me a song list.” She walks back to the record player and lifts the needle to the side. Taking the record off, she flips it over, places it on the platter, presses the power button, and puts the needle down again. She turns up the volume.

  Over the music she says, “This is the last song on the track, but it won’t be the last song that reminds me of us,” she says, tearing up again.

  I look at the track listing on the album cover.

  “Each song is from an important moment we’ve shared together,” says Madi.

  Struck by an epiphany, I stare up at the wall for a moment. I finally understand what record is playing for me from the outside world. Someone is playing this album in my hospital room. All the songs are related to the moments between Madi and me. That’s how I keep getting these flashbacks, I think to myself.

  “How did you remember every special song of ours?” I ask, still astonished.

  Madi takes out her book which I had found and given back to her a long time ago. She flips to the very end of the Book, and I can see a list of our favorite songs written down. She points to the very first song.

  “When I saw you come into the coffee shop, the day we met for the first time, I wrote down the song that was playing. I thought that if you were the one, it could be our first song.”

  Trying to change the subject, I remember my gift to her and I take out my wallet. “I’ve got something for you, too,” I say, pulling Peter’s card out and handing it to her. Surprised, she recognizes it immediately.

  “You still have it?”

  I nod. “This calls for a celebration!”

  I turn and walk straight to Mr. Donald’s door, head over to his desk, open the drawer, and pull out the Macallan. I uncork it, bring it to my lips, and take two large gulps. I feel the alcohol warm my throat to my stomach. A slight calm comes over me. I take two whisky glasses off his desk and make my way back to them.

  I lay the glasses down on the desk and pour each half way.

  “Don’t call him for me though. Do this for yourself,” I say while handing her the glass. She gives me an unwanted look. A look I haven’t seen from her in years. Almost as if..

  “I’m sorry,” Madi replies, putting the glass down on the table. “I have all that I need in life right here. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  Suddenly, I hear voices whispering again in my head. “She thinks she’s better than you. She feels pity towards you. She feels like you are holding her back. She thinks you’re a failure.” I try to concentrate, to make the voices disappear, but they only get louder! Frustrated, I can’t hold it in any longer.

  “Stop being stupid with your life!” I explode. “If you don’t do this, I’ll always feel like I kept you from being someone great!”

  “I’m not going through this again with you,” Madi replies calmly. “Not in front of Anna.”

  Her calmness only fuels my fire. “You’re hurting her most of all!” I roar. “You’re teaching her not to strive for something, not to be anybody! Is that what you want?”

  Madi takes Anna’s hand. “Go wait in daddy’s office. I’ll be there soon.” Anna, not understanding and frightened by my shouting, takes her snow globe and walks into my office, looking back behind her.

  “Why don’t you understand I’m fine where we are?” Madi asks, remaining calm.

  “Fine? How can you be fine? We can’t even rub two pennies together! We are barely making rent. We shop at the dollar market to get by. You can’t get a job because we can’t afford a babysitter! And guess what? I just lost my job! So now, we are even more in debt! We are always in debt! And the one thing you could possibly do to get us out of this hellhole, you don’t even do!!” I say, angrily.

  “It’s always about the money, isn’t it?” replies Madi, raising her voice a little. “I don’t think it’s me you’re mad at for not following a path that will lead to bigger and better things! It’s yourself!”

  I stand there, full of hate, knowing she’s right. She turns to gather up the presents. All I can think about doing is slapping her. Whispers enter my head again. “She deserves it.” They scream out at me, “DO IT!” Shaking, I bring my hand back behind, ready to slap Madi.

  “Mommy?” Anna says, her head peeking out from inside my office. Horrified at myself, I take down my hand. Madi looks back up. “What is it?”

  Anna continues, “Daddy’s car looks like a snow cone!”

  “Let’s go look!” says Madi, smiling at Anna. She walks over next to Anna, takes her hand, and turns back to me, “Come, let’s look. For her.”

  I follow them into my office and over to the window. They look out, down at my car. It is completely covered in a thick blanket of snow. “Is Daddy going to ride with us?” Anna asks, smiling up at me.

  Madi looks at me. Does she know I almost tried to hit her? I wonder. She nods to me. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she is just upset about the fight? Yea, that’s it.

  I pick Anna up, smiling, and say, “Of course, honey!” I look at Madi. “You two head down and Anna can look at the big Christmas tree in the lobby! There are even some candy canes on the lower branches, but don’t take too many!”

  I put Anna down and she grabs Madi’s hand and the two walk out of the office, carefully picking up the still playing record player. I follow. The doors open, Anna and Madi walk in. I smile at them as the doors close.

  If I just keep drinking, I think, I’ll make it through this. Images of myself on top of that random woman, her red dress on the floor, flash through my mind. I take another long swig of the whiskey. Looking in the drawer, I find the paper bag the Macallan box was in, put the bottle inside the bag, and walk out to the elevator. The doors open as I take another gulp. I get in and ride down, chugging the bottle as I go.

  “Tastes like heaven, doesn’t it?” I hear Sealtiel say.

  I look over and Sealtiel is standing inside the elevator with me.

  “Don’t worry, only you can see me. Your memory self just keeps drinking the rest of the ride down, mumbling to himself. So I thought it best to come aboard the stage for a little.”

  I try to move my hand but as I do, the other side of me takes over and pours another shot of whisky down my throat.

  “Try not to move, you idiot! It’s already bad enough I am here. The Valkyrie is always watching, remember? We can’t change a thing or it’s both of our hides.”

  I listen as words are suddenly forced out of my mouth. “I can’t believe I got fired,” I say, laughing to myself. My eyes are being forced away from Sealtiel and focus on the elevator’s layout. I see that it is surrounded by mirrors. Just like the elevator to my office in the other world. I look at my reflection and spit on it.

  Sealtiel jumps back into my eyesight. “Okay, we need to hurry. Remember, there are two ways of getting past said 42:02 problem. One, by running the clock, beating the marked time. The other, by finding the three things needed to make you whole again. To have your equilibrium in tact you need to figure out the mind, the body, and the soul. By finding out who you want to be and knowing your number one sin, you will achieve both mind and body. Once you find your true name, it will lead to your soul. Only then will you be able to take back control so the next time you won’t let the music drive you back to this place. The reason why I am here is to help you take back control of yourself in this place first. It will be an easier transition. First, gain control of your mind. Remember all those times you hear those demons, sitting in your mind, whispering at ya? Now look who is in the thinking chair. You are!”

  Sealtiel leans over and yells in my ear, “Check one two! Check! If you can hear me think back to me this, ‘Peter piper picked a pepper,’ ten times fast.”

  I force my thoughts back to the front. I am not doing that, I think back to him.

  “Good to hear that you haven’t lost your dignity just yet, moving on! Second, gain control of your body. Try giving me
a low five.”

  Sealtiel brings his hand out, palm up. I look at my hand and try to force it up. It is moving at a snail’s pace as Sealtiel starts to get irritated. “Come on, Thelma! Get your old raggedy bones up. Remember what I taught you! How about when your demon took control and forced you to almost hit Madi just earlier?! Are you saying that a demon can do it and not you? You are not the controlee, you are the controller. This is your body. Now take control of it.”

  I can do this, I think. I force my hand higher, thinking how my mind and body are the same, connected as one. My hand goes straight in the air almost like a Nazi salute. Sealtiel looks up to it. “Okay, Hitler, now bring down the heat and smoke this skin.”

  The elevator suddenly stops on another floor. Sealtiel is gone. The doors open. A man appears standing there in shock as he looks at me with my Nazi hand sign still raised in the air.

  I try and make my hand go back down. He looks at me and probably is thinking I have some kind of a mental disorder or part of a sick cult.

  He nervously nods to me and gets in, pressing the Lobby button. I look over and see Sealtiel is back right beside me.

  “Don’t worry. Remember he can’t see me. I am still waiting,” Sealtiel says to me, extending his hand towards me again.

  The struggle is real as I slowly force my hand to Sealtiel’s palm. I watch the man inside the elevator looking over, confused. I finally make it to the edge of Sealtiel’s palm.

  Sealtiel takes his hand back. “I would say too slow but it’s pretty obvious.”

  I see the elevator is nearing the lobby floor. “All that is left is soul. Go on. Talk to me. Open your mouth and say anything. Doesn’t matter what you have to say. Release that R&B soul out of ya!”

  I force my mouth open. My unknown elevator passenger looks over at me with my mouth still opened wide and gives me a ‘what is the matter with you,’ look. I turn my head, exposing my wide mouth to him. Feeling uncomfortable he says, “Are you okay?”

  Sealtiel gets in his face, “What are you looking at? Turn your Jheri curl butt around.”

  The man, not seeing or hearing Sealtiel, continues to look at me. I try taking control of my body again and turn my head but I accidentally pass gas instead. The man scoots over away from me.