by Lynne, Donya
“Come on,” he said.
“Where?”
“Your bedroom.”
If he was going to use sex to sidetrack her, she’d end that idea right now. He needed to start talking. “Mark, I—”
“I’m going to tell you. Trust me.”
Why couldn’t he just say what he needed to say in the dining room? Or the living room? Why the bedroom?
“Karma . . . trust me.”
Then it dawned on her. The bedroom was their sanctuary. It was where he seemed most comfortable with her. Or, rather, more open. Maybe he needed the sense of neutrality and freedom her bedroom provided to reveal his secrets.
She took his hand and followed him down the hall.
Watching him curiously, she sat beside him on the edge of the bed.
The mysterious atmosphere he wove was both agitating and exciting. Maybe even a little erotic. Whatever he wanted to tell her, she believed he’d been telling the truth when he said it wasn’t nearly as bad as what he’d already revealed.
But the fact he hadn’t told her in Saint Lucia irritated her. She’d thought everything that needed saying had already been brought to light.
As if reading her mind, Mark said, “I wanted to tell you this in Saint Lucia, but it felt like too much. When I found you by the pool that night when you couldn’t sleep, obviously conflicted and struggling to process everything I’d already told you, I decided to wait . . . so I didn’t burden you with too much too fast.”
That made sense. His intentions had been noble. Thoughtful even.
“But if this isn’t as bad as all that,” she said, “why not just get it over with and tell me? I mean, if all that other stuff was the hard stuff then telling me whatever this is shouldn’t have been a big deal.”
He sighed and offered a sheepish grin. “I guess this is what they mean when they say it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. I’m so deep in the shit that it’s hard to figure out what’s a big deal, what isn’t, and how to think logically. And, Karma, I’ve been deep in the shit for the past couple months, dredging up old memories, trying to make sense of them, wanting to tell you everything but terrified of how you’ll react. I am so thick in the trees that I can’t find the forest even if it’s wearing a neon sign.”
“Okay, okay.” She took his hand. “I get it. I’m sorry. I’m trying to adjust, too. This is all happening so fast, and I know you’re on your own kind of vision quest right now.” He’d made that pretty clear in Saint Lucia, and even though she’d thought he’d gotten past all the mental and emotional rubble, clearly, he hadn’t.
“Vision quest. That’s a good way of putting it. Because the visions of my memories are definitely sending me on a quest.”
“A quest for what?”
His eyes met hers with as much clarity as she’d seen from him in the last few hours. “Me.” His mouth set in a grim line. “I’m searching for me.”
She held his hand in silence for a few seconds, giving him space to absorb and make sense of whatever his brain was throwing through his mind. Oh, how the tables had turned.
She smiled and inched closer. “Remember how confident you were when we first met?”
He met her gaze almost apologetically. As if he knew he was different now and hoped she wasn’t regretting her decision to accept him back into her life.
Turning her body so she was facing him, she said, “I liked that man. He was cocksure, in total control, no cracks whatsoever in his armor.” She paused and glanced down at their joined hands. “But you know what?” She met his gaze again. “I like who you are now even more.”
A small, inquisitive frown bent his brow, but he didn’t say anything. Only stared at her, seemingly eager for her to continue. As if he needed her to continue.
“You’re vulnerable,” she said, “and I know you don’t do vulnerable. So for you to expose yourself like that means you trust me. Even that you need me. And it feels good to be needed, especially by you. It makes me feel important, like it’s a reassurance that my role is no longer that of student, but that of an equal partner.” She held up one hand as if she were warding off a counterargument. “Don’t get me wrong, I like being your student, because I know you still have so much you can teach me, but I like being your partner, too. Or maybe even your teacher, for a change. Like it’s my job to be there for you now the way you were there for me then. Like now we’re there for each other instead of remaining static in the roles we created two years ago. It means we’re growing, and I like the balance. The balance of us.”
Devotion shone from his eyes as if he were looking at a goddess who’d finally revealed herself. “Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve you.”
She shrugged. “You made me feel alive. You sat down at that blackjack table and told me not to take that bet. And I did anyway. In more ways than one. And, you know what? I don’t regret anything we’ve done since.”
His smile widened. Then he laughed and bowed his head. “You know, we’ve done this all backward.”
“What do you mean?”
“Our relationship.” He faced her, holding her hand in both of his. “Usually, two people meet and they get to know each other. And if they like what they learn, they want to spend more time together. Then, if all goes well, they have sex. And then they get to discover all the wonderful things having sex does for their relationship, bringing them closer until they enter into a commitment.” He shook his head, expression filled with sad wonder. “We started out with the sex. We got to know each other sexually first, and we were never supposed to form a commitment. That wasn’t how it was supposed to work. But it did.” He stopped as if all the air in the room suddenly vanished. “You found me. You got to a place no other woman was able to get to for six years. By the time I realized that, it was too late. I was already gone. I was already on my way back to Chicago.”
His grip intensified as he slid closer. “But I couldn’t forget. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I had to find a way to get you back. And when I returned, you didn’t want me . . . until finally, you did.” His gaze searched hers, filled with confusion, love, and unspoken promises. “And now, here we are, trying to reboot ourselves from square one. Trying to go through the getting-to-know-you phase when we’ve already reached sex and commitment and are about to move in together.”
She shook her head and smiled. “Just so you know, I always wanted you, Mark. I never stopped wanting you.”
“I know that now, but for a while, I thought I’d lost you.” He caressed the backs of her hands with his thumbs. “But we’re all turned around, and I’m fumbling as I try to figure out how to be a normal man again. A normal man who hasn’t already fallen in love with you. Who hasn’t got this tremendous amount of emotional baggage he’s still trying to unpack and sort through. We’ve taken a very unorthodox path to get where we are, and I feel like I’m fucking everything up.” He frowned and looked away. “God, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I wanted this to go differently, but now all the words I wanted to say are all tied up inside my head.” He searched her eyes. “You do this to me. You make me want to be better when I know I’m not. When I know I’ve done shitty things. You make me want to settle down when I never thought I’d want to settle down again, which was the only reason I could live with what I’d done. Because if settling down was never going to be in my future, I never had to worry about coming clean and confessing all the shit I’d done.
“I have to worry about that now. Which means I have to worry about the backlash. Like what happened on the yacht when you teased me about the waitresses joining us in a foursome. I was so hypersensitive about what I’d told you about my past I thought you were making a dig at me. That you resented what I’d done. But that wasn’t the case at all. You were simply playing, and I took your words out of context, because I’ve become this man who regrets his past. Who’s ashamed of it. And self-doubt made me question you when you’d simply made an innocent comment.
“The man I was fo
ur years ago never would have batted an eye at what you said. I would have ridden it for what it was, a playful, sexy game. I would have played along, maybe pushed the envelope and untied your bathing suit, tempting you to do things you’ve never done before. Exhibitionist things, because I want that. I want to dress you up in a slinky, backless dress and tell you not to wear any panties underneath so I can parade you around a crowded party then slip my hand down the back and slide my finger inside you and make you come in front of all those people. I would get off watching you trying not to reveal what I’m doing to you, not to let on that I’m fucking you with my fingers.” His gruff voice deepened as he inched closer on the bed.
Karma was practically panting simply from the mental image his words created.
His gaze cut into hers. “On that yacht, the old me would have stolen you away to bed and fucked you. Hard. Hard enough to make you cry out so that everyone on board could hear you and know what I was doing to you. Old me would have taken you as far to the edge as you would let me without caring about the consequences. Old me wouldn’t have cared if you walked away afterward, claiming my proclivities were too much. But this man I am now? I still want all those things and more. I want to strip you, defile you, make you do things you’ve never done, but I’m terrified of pushing you too hard, because I do care. I do care if you leave. I don’t want to lose you . . . to make you fear me and my fantasies to the point you do walk away.
“There’s more at stake now, Karma. A lot more. And I can’t stand the thought of losing you simply because I want to indulge my fantasies, my desires . . . my fetishes. That’s what this is about. I’m afraid. You took my confession in Saint Lucia better than I thought you would, but now it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that’s why I withheld revealing everything, because I’m worried doing so would be just that little bit too much. I didn’t want to risk tipping the scales.”
“You won’t.”
He let go of her hand and tucked her hair behind her ear before caressing her face. “You say that now, but what if you don’t like what I have to say?”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
He studied her for a moment. “In a lot of ways, you have become my teacher. Yes, there are still things I could teach you . . . if you’re willing and open to explore them with me. But you’re teaching me, too. I may not be the best student, because, like I said, I’m struggling to see the forest for the trees right now, but I’m changing because of you. You’re showing me how to trust again. It’s just happening in baby steps.” He paused. “So, you are my equal. We do have a perfect give-and-take between us. I just need to have more faith and trust in that.”
“Yes, you do. Because I’m not going to bite. I’m not going to walk away. You keep thinking that, but I’m still here. What’s it going to take for me to prove I’m in this for the long haul?”
His hand dropped to her knee. “I don’t know. Time. Patience.”
“You’ve got it. You have all the time in the world. And I’m not going anywhere. Ever. Now . . .” She scooted closer so there was hardly any space between them. “What is it you need to tell me? What is it you think I won’t understand?”
He squirmed, frowning intently as he inhaled deeply. “Part of it I already told you. Or at least, I hinted at it.”
She replayed his soliloquy in her mind but drew a blank.
“I’m an exhibitionist, Karma. I love the idea of being seen having sex. I get hot just thinking about showing you off in public and finding ways to risk us being seen fucking at a party, in a theater, in the car, a stairwell.” The grey-green of his eyes darkened under hooded eyelids as his gaze dropped to her mouth and he leaned closer. “I’ve repressed my exhibitionist side for years, but now . . . with you . . . I want to unleash it. I want to set it free and see how far we can push the edge. I’ve even fantasized that we’ve gone to a sex party where people are standing around the bed, watching while I fuck you.”
Oh. My.
Karma trembled at the thought. From excited anticipation or abject fear? But really, did it matter? After all, one emotion fed the other, intensifying both.
“There’s more,” he said quickly, as if fearing she would speak and halt his newfound surrender. “I want anal sex. With you. From you. I want . . . it’s that . . . I like . . .” He was stammering uncharacteristically all over himself, suddenly tongue-tied.
Wait. Back up. What? From her?
“Wait a minute.” She raised her hand, palm out. “What do you mean when you say you want anal sex from me?”
His expression tightened as he rubbed his hands over the tops of his thighs. “Uhm . . .” He glanced down then to the side before meeting her gaze again.
She’d read about stuff like this in her books. “Do you mean . . . like . . . you want me to wear a strap-on or something?” She wasn’t sure she could do that.
He frowned, his head flinching backward slightly as his brow wrinkled. “Uh . . . I, uh . . .” He appeared completely confused. Then his eyes flew open wide as he sucked in a quick breath and shook his head. “No, no. Not that.” He uttered a nervous chuckle as he wiped his palm down his face and shifted his weight on the bed. “I’m not talking about anything quite that kinky.”
Whew! She wasn’t sure she could have done the whole strap-on thing. She was the one with the cave. She had no interest in being the one doing the spelunking.
She let out a breathy giggle. “Okay, that’s a relief.” The moment she said it, his posture stiffened. Oops. Maybe she needed to show him she was a bit more open-minded. “I mean, not that I wouldn’t have given it a try if you wanted me to. I just think I’m more of the ravagee, not the ravager.”
He gave her an awkward grin as he cleared his throat. “No, I get it. I know what you’re saying, and trust me, I definitely want to remain the giver in our relationship, not the receiver. No need to worry about that.”
“Okay then, so what exactly are you saying?”
Based on the way he glanced down and briefly fidgeted his fingers around hers, this was obviously the part he’d feared revealing. After taking another deep breath, he lifted his face and looked her square in the eye. “Karma, just because I’m the . . . ravager . . .” He winked, and even though it was an uncomfortable, pale-faced wink, it made her grin. “Well, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy anal stimulation.”
Okay, now she was confused. If he didn’t want her to ravage his ass, but he enjoyed a little backdoor stimulation, what exactly was he saying he wanted?
He apparently recognized her confusion and shifted closer and wrapped his hands around hers. “Karma, a man’s prostate is like a woman’s G-spot. And when it’s stimulated, it can be very exciting and set off the most intense orgasms he’s ever had. For some men, it doesn’t do much for them, kind of the way some women don’t get much out of their G-spots being stimulated. But for other men, it does. I’m one of those men. I really, really like it.”
“Okay.” She could definitely understand the whole G-spot comparison, because hers was extremely responsive when he went to work on it. So then, what did anal play have to do with . . . ? Oooohhh, okay. She was beginning to understand where this conversation was going. “And how do you stimulate a man’s prostate?” she said suspiciously.
“Well, that’s the thing, see . . .” He cleared his throat again and kinked his neck to the side, making one of the vertebrae pop. Deep inhale, harsh exhale. After a curt nod that came off like the punctuation at the end of some you-can-do-it inner dialogue, he blurted, “The best way to stimulate a man’s prostate is by inserting something into his anus.” He turned his head to the side and rubbed his palm up and down his face as if just saying the words made him itch.
“I see.” She pressed her lips together, letting this new knowledge sink in. He wanted anal stimulation. Okay. She got that. Hmmm.
He flexed his shoulders as if trying to get comfortable in his skin again. “It could be a finger, or a butt plug. Or there are
dildos specially designed for this kind of thing. Any of those would do the trick.”
“You mean . . . to insert . . . inside . . . ?” She got it. She really did. But, for some reason, she needed to hear the words. Or at least an explanation to confirm the thoughts swirling inside her head were on track.
“Yes.”
The idea of inserting something inside Mark’s ass made for an odd image. Did he bend over on all fours? Lie on his back? Did he want her finger up there? Was this during sex? Before? How would that work? She’d never done anything like this.
Then she suddenly remembered that he’d also said he wanted to have anal sex with her.
“You want to have sex with me like that, too?”
Lusty hunger instantly glowed in his eyes as his mind made the mental shift. “God, yes.”
How did she feel about that? Would it hurt? She liked when he fondled her ass, especially when he gripped her cheeks like they were handles, and he churned her body hard on him as he took her from underneath. Would allowing him entry to the final orifice his penis had yet to be inside take those sensations to the next level or completely turn her off? If the latter, would that disappoint him? She didn’t want to let him down. She wanted to please him. If she ended up not liking anal sex when he seemed to want it so badly, it would be a major downer for them both.
“Oh.” It was all she could think of to say.
He gently stroked her hands. “I would take my time. I would prepare you. I wouldn’t do this without considering how important preparation is.”
This was one time she was glad he was a planner.
“What if I don’t like it?”
“Then you don’t like it.”
“But you want it.”
“Yes, I do. I can’t lie about that. But if you don’t like it, I can live without it. I just want to know you’re willing to at least try.”
She stared at him for a long time. Expectant hope practically dripped from his face. This was important to him.