The overwhelming range of emotions, which I have not allowed myself to feel in years, begins to break down the wall between past and present. The memories of those men all come crashing down on me now.
Waiting to hear the footsteps in the hall. Waiting for the door to open. Hearing the sweet words that always made me want to cry. The feel of a mouth on my neck, at my ear, whispering in my ear. I can smell him. This one smells new. With his mouth at my ear I feel his hands slide up my sides, under my shirt. Every place his fingers touch my skin feels like it is on fire, in horrible pain from the flames. I want to tell him to stop. I should tell him, but I know I can’t. I have to do this. I feel his hands move down to my pants and he begins sliding my shorts down. He whispers how beautiful I am, and how perfect my body is.
I hate my body. I hate that I am pretty.
He pulls my underwear down with my shorts and I feel his mouth on my leg as he moves back up my body. I need to escape. My mind has to escape from this room. I run through all the things I have used before. My music, I’ll think of a song. As I am trying to think of an escape song I feel his mouth there, at the place where I know other parts of him will be, soon.
What song was I thinking of? I have to think of a song.
His mouth is moving up my body, over my breasts, where he takes his time. A song. I need a song.
Then it’s too late. I hear the sound of the foil packet. He is positioning himself between my legs and kissing my neck again. Telling me I feel so good. Then he’s inside me. I can’t think of a song. All I can do is cry.
I’m so dirty. I hate myself. I hate my dad, yet for some reason I still pray that he will come save me.
As all the vivid details engulf me as the sobs erupt even louder, harder. Just when I’m sure I will stop breathing from the panic and pain, my door swings open and I see Gemma drop to her knees next to the car. She immediately reaches in and pulls my feet from the seat and turns me to face her. She takes my now-limp arms and places them around her neck, and she wraps her own arms around my waist.
“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay, Shyanne,” Gemma croons in my ear. “He was just upset, Shy, you know he didn’t mean those things.”
I don’t know who she’s talking about. My dad? One of the men that came to my bed? “Who—” I ask, feeling very confused. The pain in my chest; I can’t breathe. How did I get in my car? Why is Gemma here?
I hear words. Soft words. Then a few minutes later I feel arms, strong arms around me, lifting me. I do what I’ve trained my body to do. I go numb. I feel nothing and I hear nothing. I slip into my oblivion.
***
I open my eyes and look around, trying to remember where I am and what day it is. Do I need to go to the barn? As I try to pry open my eyes I realize they seem to be swollen. From crying? Why was I crying? I feel someone sit on the bed next to me, then I hear Gemma’s voice. “Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?”
How am I doing? What is she talking about? Did I get really drunk last night?
Then I hear Kade from the other room: “Is she awake? Did I hear you talking to her?”
Why is Kade here? I’m so confused. I close my eyes trying to remember what happened. Then it comes back. Me leaving the bar with Luke, Kade being so angry, then me leaving and crying. That’s it. That’s all I remember. If Kade is pissed at me, then why is he here, wanting to know how I am doing?
“Sweetie, something happened to you, with you. It’s like you were someplace else. You didn’t even know I was with you. You were crying, just being so still. The only thing you said was ‘I know he’ll come this time’.” She reaches up and brushes some hair off my face. “I couldn’t get you to respond to me, and you were crying so hard. So I called Max. He came and took you out of your car, and he carried you on his lap while I drove us back here.”
I blink a couple times trying to focus. Everything is blurry, probably from my swollen eyes. Shit, everyone saw me like that. I know what happened. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it is the first time it has happened in front of other people. I had a flashback, and once again, I don’t remember anything but the details of the scene. I don’t remember getting into my car to leave, or Max getting me from my car.
Gemma interrupts my thoughts. “Kade wants to see you.”
“No.” My response is immediate.
Gemma closes her eyes then nods her head. “I know you’re upset with him, but Kade cares about you.” She pauses, as if trying to decide if she should tell me something. After a few seconds she lets out a long sigh. “He went to see Luke right after you left.”
I roll onto my back and rub both hands over my face.
Gemma continues, “I don’t know what Luke told him, we haven’t had a chance to discuss it. All I can tell you is that Max called Kade after we got you back here. Max told him how we found you, and Kade was back here in about two minutes. He must have sped the whole way. He’s been pacing the floor from the kitchen to the living room for the last three hours.”
I pull my hands from my face. “Three hours,” I almost yell, but it sounds hoarse. I guess my throat is sore from all the crying, too. “I’ve been out for three hours?” Gemma nods.
I sit up and lean against the wall, wrapping my arms across my stomach. This is all too much; people are learning and seeing too much. Gemma comes back and sits on the bed, reaching a hand out and squeezing one of my arms. “Please, Shy, let us in. Let someone in.” Then she stands again. “I’m going to go tell Kade to come back later, and we’ll all leave you alone for a while. If you need me, I’ll be here, just yell or come get me.” She looks over her shoulder and gives me a small smile then she walks out.
I hear her talking to people in the kitchen but I don’t try to listen. I can’t think about what they are saying. If they all thought I was crazy before this, I can’t imagine what they think now. I lie back down, close my eyes, and find my oblivion again.
I wake to the feel of arms around me, and a body behind me. I again struggle to determine where I am and who is with me. I move to get up, away from this unknown person, when I hear Kade in my ear. “Please stay,” is all he says.
I look at my clock and see it reads 1:36 a.m. My entire day has been spent in this bed. The events of the day flash through my mind again, and I take in a long breath. Kade’s words from earlier ring in my ears and I push to get up. I don’t want his arms around me.
That’s a lie.
I sit on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees and face in my hands. “Why are you here?” I ask.
I feel his hand on my back and I arch away. “Shy, I need to be with you. We need to talk, but I know you’re not ready. I couldn’t be in my bed, right on the other side of the wall, knowing you are over here hurting.”
“Kade, just a few hours ago you were so angry I didn’t even know who you were,” I remind him, with very little life in my voice.
I hear him sigh loudly behind me. He moves to sit next to me, but doesn’t try to touch me again. “I know, and I promise you, Shy, the look in your eyes just before you left… it caused me more pain than I have ever known. You were afraid of me.” Now Kade moves off the bed and onto the floor in front of me, placing his hands on the bed, on either side of me, caging me in. I lift my eyes to look into his and I can see the remorse.
“The pain I felt at hearing you had gone home with Luke…” he begins, but I look away, not wanting to relive this discussion. Kade lifts one hand to my chin, pulling my eyes back to him. “I need you to hear this, Shy. Just listen, I’m not asking you to say anything. I just have to say these things to you.” His brown eyes lock onto my blue ones.
I nod, so he continues. “Over the past few weeks I’ve watched you, enjoyed you, laughed at you, and hurt for you. All of those moments were pulling at something inside me, something that felt connected to you. This last week, knowing you were feeling it too… that connection pulled me so close I felt you all the time. When I wasn’t with you, I was thinking of you.
�
��Then this morning I wake up, already thinking of you as soon as my eyes open, and I hurry to come find you. Instead I get Max telling me he saw you with Luke, then you left with him.” Kade stops and lays his forehead on my knees. I can feel the emotion rolling off of him, and I want to reach up and comfort him, but I remember what comes next in his story. So I wait.
After a minute Kade lifts his head from my lap and looks back into my eyes. I almost gasp at the pain I see again, on his face and in his eyes. Pain I put there.
I don’t hate him. I hate myself.
“Shy, I know I said and did things that hurt you, and I can’t take them back. All I can do is tell you I am so sorry. I’m sorry I caused the pain I saw on your face when you left. I’m sorry for whatever I caused that happened after you left.” Kade picks up both of my hands in his and brings them up to his mouth, kissing both of my palms. “When Max called me and told me how he’d found you, I felt… well, I don’t know how to explain it.” He pauses, planning his words. “I know that you are broken, and my fear today was that I had just shattered you.”
I can’t hold myself back anymore. I don’t care about what happened earlier. The heartbreak in his eyes tells me the truth. Those words were anger, not his true thoughts.
I slide off of my bed and onto the floor, into his arms. Kade doesn’t hesitate, his arms wrap around my waist and his embrace is my therapy. I can feel the beat of his heart, rapidly sharing a rhythm with my own. His breath on my neck is warm and not terrifying. Being held like this, getting healing instead of pain, is so new to me. It feels right, when all I have known from touch is wrong.
Kade pulls back from the embrace and grasps my face between his hands. “I think we’ve been through enough today. Let’s sleep,” he instructs, then places a soft kiss on my nose. I just nod and follow him as he stands and crawls back into my bed. I start to lie down facing away from him, my back to his front, but he shakes his head and turns me to face him. He pulls me down into the crook of his arm and wraps that arm around my shoulders. I lay my cheek on his chest and my arm across his stomach, and this is how we fall asleep.
Chapter 21
The next morning I wake to Kade shaking me gently. “Shy, we need to get up.”
I open my eyes and see Kade standing next to my bed, dressed and looking ready for class. I mentally shake off the cobwebs then look at the clock. It’s 7:15. I roll onto my side and watch quietly as Kade gets dressed. I don’t want to get up, because when I do I’ll have to face all my demons that surfaced yesterday.
Kade leans over me and kisses my temple. “Come on, Filly, we can do this. I have no desire to sit through some stupid lecture, but I know you need to get to the barn. I’ll go to class, you go play with your horses, and we’ll talk later.” He brushes the hair off my face then kneels next to my bed, getting eye level with me. “Trust me, I would much prefer to stay wrapped up with you in this bed all morning.”
I try to smile but I know I don’t pull it off. Yesterday was horrible, and we still have so much to talk about.
As I sit up and stretch from my twenty-four-hour sleep, I see Kade messing with his phone. I kinda wanna smack him on the back of the head and yell “pay attention to me!” It’s probably selfish, but really, who could he possibly be texting right now… in the middle of my crisis. Okay, so I am being selfish, but I need him to say something insightful to help me figure out how to get through this.
As I argue with myself over my dramatic thoughts, I hear the first notes of a song. I look to his phone and realize he is playing a song, not texting. I look at him with a question in my eyes but he just gives me a half-smile. Kade reaches down and grasps my hand in his. He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckle, and then I recognize the song: “Beneath Your Beautiful” by Labrinth.
I look up to see Kade watching me closely. If I were to imagine exactly how I wanted this boy to give me attention this morning, this is what I would see. In just a few short weeks Kade Cross has come to know and understand me so well.
We sit like that, my hand in his, staring at each other as the song plays on. When the song ends, Kade leans in, kisses me on the cheek, and whispers one word in my ear: “Please.”
On my drive to the barn that morning, I consider his request. Let him see inside, beneath the beautiful into the ugly. I know I can’t tell him everything, because that will risk my safety, as well as his. I can, however, tell him enough to make him see that my past will ruin his future. I just need to decide if that’s what I’m going to do.
***
I get back to our apartment for lunch and see that everyone is already there when I walk through the door. I feel horribly uncomfortable so, of course, I use sarcasm. I throw both my hands up and shake them like crazy jazz hands. “Hey, look, the crazy girl has decided to join you for lunch. Don’t worry, I’ll try not to piss anyone off or pass out today.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Keegan says in a loving tone. “Get over and get some pizza before my fiancé eats it all.”
With that, Adrian jumps up and wraps his arms around Keegan’s waist and lifts her off the ground. He kisses her way too long before setting her down. “You finally called me your fiancé,” he practically howls in excitement. Everyone in the room is either laughing or gagging on their pizza. Keegan looks at me and winks. I feel warmth spread through my chest. She did that for me, to take the focus off of me. That is the definition of taking one for the team.
I set my backpack on the floor and go grab a slice of pizza. Kade pats the empty seat next to him on the couch, so I walk over and sit down.
Once everyone is done eating, and some are leaving for their next class, Kade stands and reaches down his hand to me. “I don’t have class this afternoon, so let’s go.”
I hesitantly reach out my hand and he pulls me up. “Um, where are we going?”
He tugs on my hand and begins walking toward my room. “To talk,” is all he says. I sigh, knowing there is no stopping this train. It’s time to put my big girl panties on and make a decision.
Once we get to my room, Kade drops my hand and pushes me gently toward the bed. He goes over to my desk and pulls out the chair, dragging it to sit across from the bed.
“I have to meet Isaac at the barn at four-thirty,” I say.
Kade looks at the clock and sees that doesn’t give us long. He nods. “We’ll start this now, but finish it later.”
I’m seated on the edge of bed, arms crossed over my chest. “Where do you want to start?” I ask, deciding to let him rip off the Band-Aid.
Kade doesn’t hesitate. “Why did you run off after the conversation about the FBI?”
Yikes, I guess he’s more observant than I give him credit for. Although I’m pretty sure I’m ready to tell him about my past, I still can’t tell him that I’m in witness protection—which is why the FBI conversation freaked me out.
I try for evasive. “What makes you think it was because of that conversation?”
Kade pushes up off the chair and walks over to me. He drops down on his knees in front of me, positioning himself so that his torso is between my knees and his hands are on my upper arms. Kade’s eyes dart back and forth between both of mine before he says, “Shy, I want you to tell me; to talk to me.”
I sigh loudly and push my arms up, forcing his hands off of my biceps. “Explain what, Kade? All the ways I’m crazy?” I wave my hands around, “Well, my friend, grab a snack and have a seat, this is going to be a long night.”
Kade repositions his hands, but now they are on my thighs, close to my knees. He continues in a calm voice, “You are not crazy, you’re just a little broken.”
“Gee, thanks?” I say.
“Since you make shit decisions when it comes to relationships, I have a plan.” He pauses, probably waiting for an argument, but I’m waiting to hear this plan before I begin the fight. When I just stare at him, he fills me in: “I am taking over control of our relationship.”
Um… what? No one takes control of any pa
rt of my life. My heart is a frantic beat in my chest and my breaths seem to be shorter and coming closer together. This is the beginning of another panic attack.
“Relax, Filly,” Kade says as he lifts one hand and places it at the base of my skull. He leans in and pulls me forward until our foreheads are pressing together. “Slow your breathing until it matches mine.” He picks up one of my hands and places it flat against his chest so I can feel each breath he pulls in and pushes out. “This is why you need to trust me. You are so frantic to keep control over every second of your life that just the mention of giving up one piece causes you to hyperventilate. I’m not telling you I’m taking control of everything, just us.”
I jerk my head up, ceasing any progress I had made in my breathing “Telling me? Just us? Seriously, Kade?”
He pulls his forehead from mine and slides his hand, from the back of my head around, until he has my face in his palm. I have to fight every instinct not to lean into his touch.
“Shy, look at me,” he says as he brings his other hand to my other cheek. “You have to trust me to know what we need. I’ll take care of the relationship, you just focus on getting yourself sorted. You have to open up to me before we can be together physically.”
With that statement I jerk my head back. “Physically? Awful sure of yourself, aren’t you, Cross?”
“Once we sort through all the monsters that are hiding in that sweet brain of yours…” he says as he pulls my face back to face him, ignoring my comment. He places his thumbs under my chin, lifting it so I am forced to look into his soft gray eyes. “then we can get to the part where you give me your body, trusting that I will do nothing to hurt you, emotionally or physically.” Kade emphasizes his point by bringing his lips so that they graze mine, then his tongue slides across his lower lip, at the same time barely touching mine.
I let out a very slow breath, trying to regain my footing. I have to pull my face from his, the intensity too much. I turn my head to the side and look down to the floor trying to decide how to chase him away without telling him any more.
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