I look over to Gemma, concerned that all of this is going to cause tension between our housemates. Gemma just rolls her eyes, then stands to turn the music on. “That’s right, Keegan,” Gemma encourages our crazed roommate. “Don’t you put up with that shit.” Then she selects a song and returns to sit next to me.
While Keegan sings loudly in the closet, Gemma leans in and whispers, “They’ll be fine by tomorrow. She is crazy for that boy, she’s just afraid to admit it to herself.”
I raise my eyebrows and my eyes go wide in shock. The idea of Keegan being crazy about a guy is a concept I’m going to need time to adjust to.
Chapter 30
The next few weeks are filled with constant time with Kade. We eat together, I sit with him while he studies, he goes to the barn with me, and we sleep together. Our time in bed is still just sleeping, although there is usually lots of making out before the sleeping. I have my moments when I feel the connection with Kade is too intense. Sometimes it’s a look that crosses his face. Sometimes it’s a feeling in my chest. Regardless of what causes my anxiety, Kade is always able to see it, sometimes before I can even process what’s happening.
The first time Kade saw the signs of my impending freak-out, he tried holding me. Within minutes he realized that only increased the intensity for me, which took me straight into the full freak-out. As soon as I stood to run, without any idea where I was running to, Kade took my wrist and lead me out to his car. He loaded me in the passenger seat and drove me to the barn, saying nothing and not touching me the entire drive. Once at the farm, he let me go, knowing I could calm myself when surrounded by the barn and horses. He waited in his car, allowing me complete freedom to find my own strength and sense of self again.
Since that day, whenever he sees my flight response kicking in, he silently drives me to the barn. He has since learned to bring his schoolwork because sometimes it’ll be hours before I’m ready to return to reality. The freak-outs are coming less; the time I need to recover is becoming shorter. I know this is because Kade is so patient and his love for me is truly unconditional. He never tries to change who I am; just the opposite, actually. Kade encourages me to embrace my flaws, reminding me these are the reasons he fell in love with me.
After that first time Kade drove me to the barn, I knew he had healed yet another part of my fractured heart. I also knew that with all the healing, my heart was beginning to make the same connection as my mind.
When I agreed to try this relationship with Kade, he had told me I would need to give him my mind, heart, and body. I had made the decision to give him my mind, and all the dark places that lie within. However, at some point, Kade had snuck in and taken my heart. I never made the decision to place it in his hands, yet that is where I know it now resides.
So, six weeks into our relationship, when my nightmare comes back to life, I know my heart will never recover. A heart is not meant to live outside of its chest; no one can protect a heart the way they can protect their own. That’s why I blame no one but myself the day I find myself standing in my apartment, listening to all of the cracks reopen, and multiple new ones form.
***
It’s a Sunday morning, and I am heading back to the apartment. I spent some time with Walker this morning and I helped Angie with the chores. I wasn’t in a hurry to get back home because I knew Kade was going out to lunch with his dad. He ‘d asked me to go but I declined, telling him I was going to spend a lot of time working with both horses today. The reality is that I’m not ready to meet Kade’s parents. We haven’t even been together two months, and I am still struggling with all “being together” entails.
When I pull into our driveway I see an extra car. I hurry into the house, thinking the car probably belongs to Kade’s dad and they haven’t left for lunch yet. If Kade sees my car he’ll probably bring his dad over to meet me. As I take the steps to our front door, I realize that Kade’s car gone, which must mean they took his car to lunch. I sigh in relief as I open the door to my house and close it again behind me. However, as soon as I see who is sitting on my couch, my chest begins to collapse.
I’m pretty sure when I opened the door all the oxygen left the room. My chest hurts, my eyes are burning, and my brain can’t process. My knees go weak and I have to grip the door tighter to keep from falling. No… he can’t be here. He’s not supposed to know where I am, and even if he did, he swore to never contact me again. My past and present cannot meet like this, not today, not ever.
My father cannot be sitting on my couch, in my living room, in the house where I live with my best friends.
“Hi, baby girl,” he says, as if this is a perfectly normal day in someone else’s life.
My lungs.
I open my mouth and inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
My heart is beating too fast, and although I am breathing now, it’s still too fast. I have to get control.
Slow inhale.
Slow exhale.
I try to slow my shallow breathing and rapid heart. My dad. The man I trusted to protect me but who threw me to the wolves instead. He is standing in front of me. Then I realize Keegan is sitting next to him. That causes my brain to start working. “Keegan, can you give me a minute,” I say, as calmly as I can manage.
I can see my own fear reflected in her eyes. She stands, reaching out a hand for me. “Shyanne, do you want me to call Kade?”
Fuck. No.
I shake my head vigorously. “Just go.” I plead to her with a look, begging her not to call Kade.
Keegan continues to stare at me for a few moments before my dad cuts in, “Nicole and I just need a moment.” I jerk my head in his direction, shocked at his use of my real name, but he doesn’t realize his mistake. “I promise, baby girl, I just need a minute.”
When I look back to Keegan I see the questions in her eyes. I close my eyes, trying to keep the overwhelming loss of control from taking over my mind. I open my eyes and plead to her again, “Please, Keegan. Give me a few minutes, and please, please don’t call Kade.”
I see the concern, then resignation, flash across her features. Keegan nods, then moves to exit through the front door. I don’t hear a second door, so I suspect she is standing in the entryway, listening for signs of trouble. She has no idea that she can’t protect me from this.
I turn and look at the man I never thought I would see again. “How did you find me?” I hiss at him, as I walk toward the kitchen, leading him away from Keegan’s post at the door.
He sighs, then walks to the table, pulling out a chair to sit. Once seated he leans back, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks around the kitchen, as if taking inventory. “Baby girl, you know I have connections.” He leans forward, placing his elbows on the table. “Look, I know you don’t want to see me, and I know what I promised, but things have changed.” He pauses as his expression changes to remorse. “Marco found me.”
Just when I thought my mind could not handle another shock, my father speaks a name that causes my entire body to quake. I lean over, placing a hand on the counter and wrapping the other arm around my waist. “How do you know that?”
I hear my dad stand. “Are you okay?” He comes up next to me, and as he reaches out a hand for me, I pull my hand from the counter, stopping him. He takes a step back then gestures toward the table. “You should sit.”
I know he’s right, since I’m pretty sure this visit is just going to get worse. I don’t have the strength to stand for long, so I round the table and take the seat directly across from my dad. I can’t stop all the memories that flood my mind. I can’t focus on anything except the memories of being a young girl, wanting her daddy to save her from all the nightmares.
My dad must see my horror, because he asks, “What are you thinking about?”
I know that talking about it won’t change the past, but I never got this; I never got closure with my dad. So, I tell him, “I’m thinking about how all I ever wanted
was for you to love me the way a father is supposed to. Even after you allowed the first of your friends to violate me, I still wanted you to love me.” I’m sitting with my hands clasped together on top of the table, head tilted, staring numbly across the table at him. I can feel my oblivion creeping near, and I think I want to allow it to consume me.
“Baby girl,” he begins, reaching over the table with both hands. As his hands wrap around mine, reality crashes down.
I jerk my hands away. “Don’t touch me.” I see the pain in his eyes and for a moment, I am trapped there, considering all the answers he holds. “And don’t patronize me with some half-assed excuses. Just answer my question. How do you know Marco found you?”
My dad draws in a breath, obviously wanting to say more. Instead, he answers, “I saw him watching me. I was coming out of a store and saw him sitting in a truck, across the street from me. He gave me a wicked smile and then nodded, letting me know he knew exactly who I was, and vice versa. He drove away then, and I think he was letting me know he already knew where I lived, so he didn’t need to follow me.”
The visual of Marco Munro causes my stomach to roll again. Then I realize that he could have followed my dad here. “And you thought you’d lead him straight to me? Why didn’t you just go through the marshals? Tell someone there who could warn me?”
My dad shakes his head. “No, don’t you see? If he found me, he can find you. Agents can be bought and information can be found, if someone wants it bad enough. How do you think I found you, Nicole?”
Hearing him use my real name again causes my frantic heart to pause. I haven’t been called that name since I left the hospital three years ago. I turn away, trying to remember who I am now, and that I left this coward behind for a reason. “Don’t call me that! I’m not that girl anymore, and I never will be again.”
Gathering my control, I attempt to wrap up this reunion. “Well, thanks for the information. I’ll talk to my deputy marshal and see what I need to do.” I need to have a full-out meltdown, and I refuse to do it in front of this man.
Instead of saying his polite goodbye, he continues with his warning. “You don’t have time. You need to leave first, then contact your agent.”
I feel the thin threads of my sanity slipping as I turn back to face him. “Why do you care? Why do you care about my safety now?” My voice sounds weak, timid like the girl I once was, and I hate myself for slipping back there.
My dad shakes his head and runs both his hands through his hair. Seeing him like this is yet another stab to my heart. I feel like I am fourteen years old again, watching my dad struggle with decisions that will forever change my life.
“Baby girl, stop. I know I am no perfect father. You don’t need to point that out for me. Trust me, I lose sleep every night thinking about all the pain I caused.”
“Really, Dad? I find that very hard to believe, since you’re standing here in my life again.”
He grasps my hands on top of the table, and I’m staring at our hands when he speaks again. “Baby girl, look at me.” I hesitate only a second before I lift my gaze and look back into his pain-filled eyes, which are also now filled with tears.
He opens his mouth slightly to take in a shaky breath, and then closes his eyes. I watch a tear fall down his cheek as he begins. “I know whatever I say cannot undo the damage I did to you; the damage they did to you. I need you to know that I have felt nothing but pain and remorse since that first day those men entered our lives. When I agreed to make an investment with them I knew whatever they were involved in was illegal, but I swear I did not know the details. By the time I learned what their business was, it was too late. They made sure that I was in too deep to walk away.”
My dad takes another deep breath and then opens his eyes. “If I had known…” he says, before dropping my hand, standing and turning away.
He’s about to say more, but his words get cut off when Ryder opens the front door and stalks toward him like a predator.
Chapter 31
As soon as the door opens I know Ryder has somehow been informed that my dad is here. He wears a look of fury before his eyes even land on my dad. After looking me over from head to toe, Ryder stalks to my dad and swings so fast no one could have stopped him. His fist collides with my dad’s jaw so hard I hear the crunch of bone on bone. I scream as my dad stumbles a few steps, puts a hand to his jaw, and turns to face Ryder.
“Well, I’m glad to see my girl still has her bodyguard,” he says with a humorless smile. “Hello again, Ryder.”
If possible, Ryder looks even more murderous now. He lifts a finger to point right in my dad’s face. “Don’t ever call her your girl again. You gave your girl away years ago. This,” Ryder says, pointing toward me, “this is my girl. Now, start talking, old man. What the fuck are you doing here?”
My dad takes a step back and holds both hands up in surrender. “I’m here to warn her,” he begins, then looks back to me, “and to say goodbye.”
Ryder turns to look at me, a thousand questions in his eyes. Unable to share all that just happened with one look, I tell him, “Marco found him.”
It only takes a second for the information to register. Ryder slowly closes his eyes and when he opens them again, he growls, “And you thought you’d lead him to her doorstep?” My dad shakes his head, but Ryder doesn’t let him answer. “Then tell me, what the fuck are you doing here?”
“Because I wanted to see her one more time. I want to say goodbye.”
Ryder looks to my dad and says, “Yeah, well, you’ve seen her, you’ve said it, now get the hell out here.” But my dad isn’t looking at Ryder and he’s not listening to him; he’s looking at me.
“Nicole, earlier you said you had always hoped that one day I would love you.” He looks me in the eyes and I can see my own emptiness reflected there, just behind the tears that have begun to form. “I’ve always loved you. From the moment you came into this world you changed my heart. That day when your mother and I held you, we both knew the other would take a backseat, because we had a new love in our life.”
I gasp as the pain slices through my chest, and I throw my hands over my mouth. Hearing my father say he loves me, and talk about my mother, it causes emotions I no longer have the strength to handle. I stumble slightly and Ryder is right there to catch me and hold me up. Standing beside me, mouth near my ear, Ryder asks, “Do you want me to stop him?” I stand, still staring at my father, not knowing if I want him to continue or to walk out the door before he tears my heart out even more. I don’t have to make any decision because, after he wipes away a tear that fell down his own cheek, he continues.
“Every morning after you were born, it felt like a new reason to live. Watching you grow, try new things, learn to talk; and you wanting to do everything on your own. Every day you took us on a new adventure, with your independence, spunky attitude, and that beautiful smile. God, Nicole, even as a little girl, that smile and those beautiful blue eyes, you lit up every room you entered.” He pauses, taking in a shaky breath and wiping away another tear. I can see he’s struggling with his next words, almost choking back sobs. Finally he releases the sobs and his words: “Then they took it all away. Your mother, your laugh, your smile, your attitude, and finally your spirit.” He holds his hand over his heart, as if putting pressure on the pain, and takes a few steps toward me, tears still streaming down his cheeks.
I’m having trouble breathing again, between of the ache in my own heart and the lump in my throat. Seeing the honest pain on his face and hearing it in his voice, I feel like I’m seeing the dad I once knew. The one who would never do anything to hurt me. Seeing him like this is clouding all the horrible memories. Hearing him say all these things is filling something inside me that has been empty for years.
“After your mother left, you were obviously hurt, but not broken. You were still able to smile and laugh. After that first night, though…” He doesn’t give any further description. We both know which night he is talking
about. The memories come crashing into me, intensifying every emotion that already engulfs me.
He stops his progress toward me and stands in the middle of the living room. “After that night, I watched you die slowly every day. I watched you grow into a beautiful spirit as a child, and I watched that beautiful spirit die because of me; because of the decision I made. So when you say you wanted me to love you, you need to know that I never stopped loving you. Ever. It’s myself that I despise, that I hate looking at in the mirror every day.”
He drops his eyes and starts to back away. “I’ll go now. I just needed you to know, regardless of the mistakes I made, I love you more than anyone ever will.”
That’s too much for Ryder. He lets me go and rushes my dad. “I let you say all that other shit because I think Shy needed to hear it, but that last line is bullshit! I love this girl,” he says gesturing at me, “and I can assure you that because of that love, I would never hurt her. Those last few years, that’s all you did, you hurt her. When you love someone you protect them, not use them for your own benefit. You should have gotten her out of there. Whatever it took.”
My dad glances from Ryder to me, looking as if he’s trying to make a decision. “I did try to get us out.”
Ryder’s anger is filling the room. “Shut up, old man. Don’t stand here and feed her a bunch of shit. If you’re here to say your piece, at least you can be honest.”
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