I shake my head. “No, I know you would wait another six months if that’s what I need. But that’s not what I need.” I run my hand from the button on his jeans up his stomach until it reaches the bottom of his shirt, which now lies just below his chest. I hook my thumb under his shirt and begin to slowly push it up again. “Over the last two months you have given me the strength to feel again, the strength to feel emotions and physical touch. Not only can you touch me without me slipping away emotionally, now I want you to touch me. I’ve been ready for this for a while now, but I’ve been waiting to be sure. Now I’m sure,” I say as Kade allows me to finally pull his shirt up over his head. He watches over my shoulder as I throw it to the floor, then he looks back into my eyes.
“Maybe you are ready, but I told you when this began that you had to give me this first,” he says, placing his hand over my heart.
Dammit. I am about to destroy this boy and he is still trying to protect me.
I hate myself.
In spite of his attempt to protect me, or because of it, I tell him what he needs to hear. I tell him the truth.
I roll onto my side, facing him, and wrap my arm around his waist. “I love you Kade. I’m pretty sure you knew that before I did, and I’m sorry I haven’t said it before now.” I lean in, dropping my head until my forehead touches his chin, trying to hold back the tears. That statement is truer than he will ever know. I have wasted so much time trying to protect my heart instead of enjoying the way Kade makes me feel.
“Holy shit, Shy. You have no idea how fucking great it feels to hear you say that.” Kade reaches up and lifts my chin so that I have to look at him again. I have to concentrate to keep my lip from quivering and the tears from escaping. Fearing I will lose that battle, I lean in, touching my lips to his.
I drag my hands over his back, allowing my fingers to memorize every curve, every dip, and every muscle. My hands make their way to the top of his jeans, then I slide the tips of my fingers past his waistband. As my hands seek and search for more tactile memories, Kade begins to move my shirt up my stomach with his thumbs placed under the hem. When his thumbs meet the underside of my breast, he pauses, slowly stroking over the thin lace fabric. As he lifts his gaze to meet my eyes, I see nothing but complete adoration and gentleness there.
Kade removes my shirt, and as we work together to remove our jeans, our eyes never leave each other.
Kade pushes himself up, until he is kneeling, gazing down on me. “You are so amazing, Shyanne,” he says, running his hands up my thighs and over my hips.
He places his hands on the bed, leaning over me, and kisses my chin, jaw, cheek, nose, and then finally my mouth. After he makes his intentions clear, with his mouth, Kade leans to reach into his nightstand, pulling out a condom. He lays the packet on the bed then looks to me for more confirmation. Still unable to speak, for fear of breaking down, I close my eyes and begin removing my panties.
As he rolls on the condom, I will back the avalanche of emotions that are crushing my chest. When I feel his hand slide across my stomach, I squeeze my eyes tighter.
Knowing exactly what is happening to my mind, Kade whispers, “Look at me, Filly.” I open my eyes and instantly release the breath I was holding. When he sees the fear leave me in that breath, Kade smiles and reminds me, “This is me and you. This is you, giving to me that which has only been taken from you before. This is me, cherishing a gift I know I don’t deserve, which is why I swear to you I will never do anything to hurt you.”
He holds my gaze as his hand descends between my thighs, so I can think of nothing but him as he slides one finger inside of me. All of the negative, dirty feelings I’ve connected to this act disappear in that moment, leaving me with just pleasure. I give in to the sensations and begin moving against his hand, seeking my release.
Just as I begin to fall, I close my eyes and feel Kade’s head touch mine, and he whispers, “I love you Filly.”
I open my eyes as Kade moves back over me, placing himself between my thighs, but using his arms to hold his own weight. When he moves in to place a soft kiss on my lips, I feel his erection press against my core. The love in his eyes prevents me from feeling fear, but I do feel an ache in my chest. I want more than this last night with him.
I hold my breath, trying to hold back the sobs, but I’m not capable of holding back the whimper that escapes. I feel the tears that escape and fall to the mattress. Kade watches a tear fall. “Filly,” he says, starting to pull his body from mine.
I shake my head. “It’s just that I never thought I would want this. I never thought I would have this, have someone like you who sees me for who I am and loves me anyway.” To have this and lose it is worse than never having it at all, I think to myself.
One side of his mouth curls up and his eyes soften. “You don’t have me, Filly. We have each other. I’m just as lucky to have found you.”
I can’t speak, regret stuck in my throat. So I draw in another breath and drop my hands to his waist. I hold him firmly in place while I lift my hips to meet his, finally bringing us together, completely together.
We both gasp, and his head falls so that his forehead is resting on mine. “You feel amazing. This…” he pauses, slowly pulling out and pushing back in again. “This feels amazing.” He lifts his head, looking down at me. “Are you okay?”
I nod and give him a small smile.
Kade remains at a gentle rhythm, so slow that each thrust in and each withdrawal feels exaggerated. The entire time his eyes never leave mine. Those eyes that have changed my life. Those eyes which, after tonight, will never look at me with such tenderness again.
Using all of my senses, I memorize everything so that this moment will forever be available to me. I need to remember my one perfect night with the only guy I will ever love. The smell of his body wash and pillows, which hold that “just Kade” aroma. The feel of his biceps as they flex under his weight. The softness of his freshly-shaven jaw rubbing my neck as he kisses my shoulder. The taste of mint as he claims my mouth with his. The sound of his breathing, in this silent room, and the beauty of his voice as he repeatedly tells me he loves me.
After our first, and last, time making love, Kade lies on his side facing me. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tight against him, my back to his front. I can feel the race of his heart against my back and feel his breath at my neck. I close my eyes, taking in all of these moments too.
Kade places his lips at my ear, and whispers, “I love you, Filly.” And those are the last words he says before he falls asleep. The last words he says before I walk away from him forever.
Chapter 34
After Kade falls asleep, I kiss him gently on his lips and tell him goodbye. I slip out of his bed and don’t look back as I exit through his bedroom door. My tears begin to fall. I know I’m walking away from the only guy I will ever love. I thought I was broken before, but having to give up this boy is going to shatter me.
I get to my apartment and let myself in, tears still falling down my cheeks. I go straight to my room and pack a suitcase with all my important things. As I look at every article of clothing, I remember shopping with the girls when I picked it out, and the times I wore it with Kade. All the memories of friendships and love tear at my heart, and the knowledge that I will never know them again causes me to cry harder. I muffle my sobs, not wanting to wake Kade on the other side of my wall.
Once my bag is packed, I sit down at my desk and write two letters, one for Kade and one for the girls. I label each one and leave them sit on my desk where they will be easily found. I take a last look around my room before I leave it behind.
I look up as I walk into the living room and I’m surprised to see Keegan sitting on the couch. I quickly wipe away the tears and smile at her, trying to cover up my pain.
Keegan notices anyway. “What’s wrong, Shy? What happened?” she asks, then she notices the suitcase. She narrows her eyes. “Where are you going?”
I shake my he
ad. “I’m fine, Keegan, just an emotional night. I just need a few days away.”
Keegan is not happy with my answer. “Bullshit, Shy. What happened? Did you and Kade get into a fight?”
“Keegan, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I told you I just need some space.”
“Does Kade know you’re leaving?” she pushes, getting angry now.
I need to get out of here before she wakes everyone up. If she gets any louder the guys will be able to hear every word through the walls. “Keegan, please,” I beg as I walk out the front door.
Keegan follows me, of course, all the way out to the front steps. “Shy, if you’re running away from Kade you know he’s going to come after you—” She stops talking abruptly when she sees what’s waiting in our drive: a man leaning against a silver sedan, wearing a very angry face.
I quickly move toward the car and stop just a few inches from U.S. Marshal Hudson. “What are you doing here?” I hiss.
“My job,” he replies, emphasizing both words. “Now get in the car before I toss you in.”
I look over to where I parked Ryder’s jeep and find it gone. Then I hear Keegan descending the steps.
“Who is this, Shy? Where’s your truck?”
I shove my suitcase at Hudson and scowl at him, then turn to Keegan. “I have to go.”
Unwilling to give up, Keegan asks, “Is this about your dad? I didn’t tell Kade.”
I shake my head. “No, Keegan, and you can’t tell him. Please, there is still so much you don’t know, and trust me, it needs to stay that way.”
“He loves you, and I know you love him too,” she pleads. “There is no reason you can’t tell him about your dad.” She frantically looks between Hudson and me, searching for answers. “Whatever it is, Shy, it doesn’t matter. Please… just don’t go.”
I close the distance between us and throw my arms around her neck. I allow one more sob to escape as I say goodbye to my friend. “I’m sorry, Keegan.” Then I pull away and climb into the back seat, leaving her standing alone and in tears.
When I get to Ryder’s I’m no longer crying. I’ve allowed the numbness to settle in, resigned that I have to walk away from the life I’ve created. I enter the house and find Ryder and Smoke waiting on the couch. Ryder stands and reaches out a hand for me, but I ignore it.
“What’s the plan?” I ask, my voice sounding as dead as I feel.
Hudson answers from behind me. “We’re taking you to a hotel now, until we can secure a temporary safe house.”
Without responding, I turn toward the guest room.
“Where are you going?” Ryder asks. “We need to go now.”
“There are a few things here I need to get.” I sound like a bitch, and I know it’s illogical to be angry with Ryder, but I need to be angry with someone right now.
While in the bedroom, searching for things I don’t want to leave behind, I hear a car pull in the drive. Assuming it’s another one of Ryder’s commandos, I keep packing… until I hear Kade’s angry voice. I race out to the living room, my insides a mixture of crushing sadness and excitement to see him again. As I pass through the hallway, I see Hudson slide into Ryder’s room. He holds a finger up to his lips, as if reminding me not to tell Kade anything.
Ryder is practically holding Kade back, preventing him from tearing through the house. When he sees me, his expression softens.
“Filly,” he says, giving Ryder a hateful look as he pushes away from him. “What are you doing?” He takes a few steps towards me, but I take a step back.
I shake my head. “I have to go, Kade.”
“Bullshit, you don’t have to do anything,” he argues. “You’re just a little emotional about what happened tonight. I get it, but you’re not leaving.”
As my numbness slips away, my throat tightness and a tear rolls down my cheek. “I told you I would leave. You didn’t want to believe it, but I was clear with you from the beginning.” This is true, even though I too didn’t want to believe it. I’ve been living this life with Kade, and my new friends, as if it could not be snatched from me at any second. If I’d continued living behind my walls, where I could hide from relationships, no one would be hurting right now.
Kade takes another step toward me, and his expression becomes tortured. “You’re not leaving, Filly, so stop saying that. We’ll sit down, right now, and you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You can tell me anything, you know that.” I shake my head again as I release a sob. “I can’t,” is all I can say. I want to say so much more. I want to throw myself into his arms.
Now Kade is shaking his head. “Don’t do this, Shyanne.”
His use of my name, instead of his nickname for me, causes an ache in my chest. I rub it with the heel of my hand, attempting to ease the hurt. “You need to leave,” I say, trying to strengthen my voice. “I told you I would leave, and this is me keeping my word.”
His eyes narrow and he presses his mouth into a hard line. “If you do this, if you make me leave instead of opening up to me, this is it. I won’t do this again.”
I turn my head, unable to see the hurt in his eyes. “You need to leave.”
Kade yells a couple of profanities as he paces the room, and when he comes to stand in front of me again, I see the pain has turned to anger.
“Tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, whenever you realize you were wrong, don’t come back. You’ve fucked with my mind enough, and I won’t let you do it again.” He pauses, waiting for me to look at him before he delivers his final blow. “I never understood the saying about there being a fine line between love and hate… until now. I’m pretty sure I just crossed over that line.”
I close my eyes and swallow the pain climbing up from my stomach. If he’d punched me it would have hurt less.
I hear his footsteps walking away, and at the sound of the front door slamming, I buckle over. Ryder’s arms are already around me as he whispers apologies in my ear.
***
When we get to the hotel, Hudson explains the plan. “It will take a few days for us to prepare your new identity and location, so you’ll be here for the next couple of nights. We have Agent Clarkson, who I believe you all know, coming in tomorrow. He’ll be bringing a couple other agents as well.”
I just nod, knowing the rules of this game I don’t want to play.
We go over my conversation with my dad, and Hudson shares what information the bureau has. “Marco’s stunts have brought too much attention to the trafficking world, and they don’t like attention. So I’m guessing he’s on the run from them, just as much as us. Since he lost his brother, and the others from the ring went to prison, Marco’s only got one thing to live for.” The sad look on Hudson’s face tells me what that one thing is.
“Me,” I state.
Hudson nods. “And that’s what makes him so dangerous. Getting to you, hurting you, that’s the only thing that matters to him now.”
Chapter 35
Two days later everyone gathers in the hotel room, making our plans for departure. Agent Clarkson and an Agent Hill have joined the party. .
I’m enjoying my numbness, alone on the bed, when Ryder’s phone rings. He answers then, with a concerned look, holds the phone out to me. “It’s Angie.”
I take the phone, realizing we’ve not discussed plans for getting Walker transported with us. “Hey, Angie, what’s up?”
She responds right away, sounding very panicked. “Shy, you need to come to the barn. Something’s wrong with Walker. I called Doc Johnson already and she’s on her way.”
I don’t hesitate. “I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone and announce to the room, “I have to go the barn. Something’s wrong with my horse.” As if every man is this room knows how much my horse means to me, everyone jumps into action.
Agent Clarkson orders, “Shy and I will go with Ryder.” He points to the other agents and Smoke. “You follow.”
On the way, Ryder asks what happened. “What do you mean somethi
ng is wrong with Walker? What did Angie say?”
“That’s all she told me, and that the vet is on her way too. Angie just said I need to get there now.” I pause, trying to push back the visions of what I might see when I get there.
Softly, Clarkson says, “It could be Marco.”
Refusing to believe that anyone would hurt my horse, I protest, “No. Even if he found me, how would know about Walker?”
Clarkson leans up from the back seat, placing a hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know how long your dad has been following you. He could have been here for days watching you, and if he’s been here watching you, then Marco could have been here watching him.”
I close my eyes, and for the first time in years, I pray to a God I no longer trust.
At the barn I jump out of the Jeep before Ryder has it in park. I run into the barn and straight to Walker’s stall. Once in front of his stall, I stop, in shock at what I see. He’s wobbly on his feet, head hanging so low his nose is almost touching the stall floor, and he has foam coming out of his mouth. I immediately open the stall door and rush in, looking to Angie who is standing next to Walker.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” I ask as I try to lift his head to look at his eyes.
Angie is in tears as she responds. “I heard a car when I was getting out of the shower. I looked out the bathroom window and saw a silver car parked at the end of the barn. I didn’t recognize the car, so I got dressed and came out. As I was leaving the house the car was pulling down the lane. I thought maybe they had the wrong address, but I came into the barn just in case. I checked all the horses and when I got Walker he was looking unsteady. The longer I watched the worse he got. That’s when I called the vet, and you.” Angie wipes away a tear, then adds, “I found an empty syringe on the floor in his stall.”
No, no, no, no… Not Walker. I know instantly that it was Marco. He wants me to know it was him, so that I know he is waiting for me. Marco Munro poisoned Walker.
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