by London Casey
“No, sugar,” Osiris said. “That’s his way of keep you handy for a little side action when his current thing goes bad.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m being honest,” Osiris said. “Be careful with that.”
“I’m fine.”
Osiris stopped and turned to face me. There was enough light from the flashlight that I could see the look on his face.
“What would you do if he showed up? I mean, right now.”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“If he showed up and started spouting all those loving words you missed. Then he reminds you he kept in touch. That he was confused.”
I swallowed hard. “Fine.”
“Fine what?”
“Fine…I don’t know.”
“You have to guard your heart, Lara.”
“Maybe I don’t want to.”
“You’ll end up between the sheets with Thad, then,” Osiris said.
“I don’t cheat. I never have. I never will.”
Osiris curled his lip. “You’re implying something with us, huh?”
“Am I wrong to imply?” I asked.
“Just be careful,” he said. “I hate to see good people hurting.”
“Is that what you see in the mirror?”
“No. I don’t recognize what I see in the mirror.”
“Why?”
“It’s just not me. I don’t know who I am, Lara.”
“I can see you, Syi.”
“Let’s keep walking,” he said.
We started to walk again.
“They took the car,” he said. “Mila’s car. It was actually my car. I bought it for her. But they took it to search for evidence. They questioned Adley. My poor little girl, sitting there, so confused over everything. Foul play was ruled out quick. I guess that was a good thing. But hours became the first full day. Then another day. Then another day.”
“Oh, Syi,” I said. “I have no words.”
“There are no words,” he said. “There was no sign. Never. Nothing.”
We kept walking. He shined the light forward, and I realized we were walking toward the stone bench again. We walked beyond the bench, and when Osiris shined the light down, I realized we were at the top of the ridge.
“I made it down there pretty far a few times,” he said. “Sometimes spending days down there. Sometimes wishing I’d get lost and be gone with her. Sometimes wishing I could just figure it out.”
“I’m so sorry, Syi,” I said. “I really am. I can’t even imagine it.”
“I didn’t mean to lose what I did. Not in the way that I did. I hurt everyone around me. I didn’t lash out at anything, I just forgot about them. Nobody existed in my world after Mila went missing. I stumbled across Jerry’s yard by accident one day. And I just started working. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I started tossing logs around. He wanted to call the police on me, but I had done more work in an hour than his crew had gotten done in half a working day. So, he brought me into his office, gave me a beer, and hired me. I was a story by then, Lara. Everyone in town, anyone up here, they all knew. Mila was on the news. Reporters wanted to talk to me. I left Michelle stuck with all of it. Adley had to deal with it. Dane got himself arrested for going after a photographer when he came too close to Adley at the park. And I was just up here on the mountain. Searching. Tracking. Carrying a map and marking everything down. Every fucking foot of this mountain I walked is marked on a map. Several maps. But there’s nothing.”
Osiris reached with his free hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. He let out a broken sigh.
I could only clutch him tighter.
It hit me then that if I fell in love with this man, it would be a battle forever. If Osiris ever dared to love me back, I would never get the fullness of it. Because there would forever exist the hope and chance that he’d find Mila.
My heart ached a little as I stood there.
“I’m sorry for what you lost, Lara,” Osiris said. “That’s not right what he did. But my point before is that…if he came back, you’d want it. Who wouldn’t want that one last chance, right?”
That’s when I reached up to his face. I grabbed his beard and made him look at me.
“You’re wrong,” I said. “I look at you, and it changes everything I know. And maybe I have to deal with the what if for you, Syi. Because you’re never going to stop looking for her. You’re never going to stop thinking of her. You’re never going to stop loving her.”
“And you’re okay with that?” he asked me.
“If I get this…this moment with you, Syi…it’s worth it. We can go look every single day. You deserve happiness. Comfort. Peace. You deserve a future, Syi. That doesn’t have to mean forgetting the past, though.”
“A future, huh? That’s what we’re talking about now?”
“I guess so,” I said.
“That’s the really fucked-up thing here, sugar. I went for a walk to chase the past, and I found the future sleeping on this fucking bench. And I’m really stuck somewhere with that.”
Osiris touched my face. With his other hand, he clicked the flashlight off.
It was as dark as dark could possibly be.
But I wasn’t afraid.
My heart was racing, but for a different reason.
His lips touched mine…
… and that was the second I fell in love.
23
Catch and Lost
(OSIRIS)
I went to work, I came home, I showered, and I waited for her. There was this sense of settling in that crept up on me, and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Too late meaning the way I felt, the way I thought, the things I wanted with Lara. The cabin suddenly didn’t quite seem like the forever place it once was. Not that the cabin was built and bought to be a permanent home. I made that decision the day…
It happened when I’d walked through the door after a long-ass day at the yard. Tommy had twisted his ankle climbing out of a truck and had to go to the ER with Bo. Of all the bad shit that could happen to us at the yard, something stupid like getting out of a truck was the reason Tommy ended up the ER. Lucky for him, it was just a wicked sprain. Docs said to keep off his ankle for a few weeks, but we weren’t the kind of guys who listened to doctors. Call us what you wanted, but when we needed a doctor, we’d let them know. Meaning if we had a broken bone, set it. If our hearts weren’t beating, try to fix it. Other than that, we didn’t care much for them.
But I stood right inside my cabin after my long day, tossing my keys to the stand next to the door, and I looked up. For the first time in a while, I looked up and saw the small loft. I saw the desk against the railing. The pitched ceiling.
I walked up the steps and over to the desk and sat down. The middle drawer right in front of me had the maps. I hadn’t looked at the maps in a little while, either. Not that my search was over, no fucking way, but it was sort of nice to take a break from that shit. It seemed like it would forever chase my tail as I chased a ghost. The worst was that I’d never know what happened to Mila. Other than her stopping the car to get a picture of the stone bench and the willow tree. Then she was gone.
My theories meant shit without evidence. And by then, nobody cared. It was years ago now. But the hole inside my chest…
The door to the cabin opened, and I stood up.
For a second, I pictured Mila coming through the door, holding a few grocery bags in her right hand while holding Adley’s hand with the other. Adley would have her bright pink backpack on, packed up for a stay at the cabin. We’d cook dinner together as a family, laugh, listen to music, with me and Mila sipping whiskey and wine.
Adley would fall asleep on the couch in front of a fire. I’d carry her to the bedroom, where I’d have a set up on the floor with a few sleeping bags for her. Then I’d join Mila on the couch, top off our drinks, and we’d stare at each other for a record ten seconds before going at it.
But none of that was true. None of it
would ever happen.
I let out a quick whistle, and Lara looked up.
As soon as she saw me, she smiled. No hesitation.
She was falling in love with me.
I could fix it by breaking what was left of her heart, but she left me paralyzed when I looked at her. My hands slid over the railing, and I just stood there, looking down at her.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
This had become normal for us.
She would work at the flower shop, then drive all the way up here to be with me. We played house. We talked. We went wild on each other’s bodies. We slept.
I liked all of it.
I loved all of it.
“I’m great, sugar,” I said. “I have an idea for dinner.”
“Oh?”
I knew I had just gotten home, but I wanted to get out of the cabin again.
“You ever been fishing?” I asked.
“Fishing? Like…”
“Fishing,” I said with a grin.
“No, Syi, I haven’t gone fishing before.”
“Then you’re in for a treat.”
“Oh?”
“We’re going to catch our dinner tonight, sugar.”
There were plenty of creeks to fish in. Some of them took a little more skill. Some of them you had to get right into the damn water to find a good spot to cast your lure out so it wouldn’t get stuck in the rocks or just pushed to the edge.
I wasn’t in the mood for that.
So, we went for a little ride in my truck toward the yard. About a quarter mile east of the yard was a pond. Damn thing was mostly untouched. Beautifully open, probably the most open place anywhere on the mountain. Like one little spot where the sun could reach. Amazing how nature did shit like that, right? All the way up on that mountain, and there was a pond.
But in that pond were plenty of fish to catch.
The kind of fishing where you cast your line and just wait.
I backed my truck up near the edge of the pond and opened the bed. I went to work, getting the lines ready.
“Want to see my secret weapon?” I asked.
“A gun?” Lara asked.
“No. Hot dogs.”
“What?”
“I use hot dogs as bait.”
“I thought you were supposed to use worms,” Lara said.
“This is my secret,” I said. “Don’t tell anyone.”
Lara grabbed her phone. “I’m texting everyone I know right now.”
I laughed.
I put a red and white bobber on the line and then held it out for Lara.
“What do I do?” she asked.
“You cast it,” I said.
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Right,” I said.
I put a bobber on my line.
I walked her to the edge of the pond and tried to show her how to cast the line. How to have enough line. How to properly flick your wrist. When to start reeling a little.
But Lara just stared at me the whole time, smiling.
“What?” I asked.
“You look happy,” she said. “You look like you’re actually enjoying yourself.”
I growled and curled my lip. “Don’t ruin this shit, sugar. Let’s just get something to eat and go home.”
“Right. Of course.”
“Hey, this is real living,” I said. “You want to eat? You work for it.”
“I’m ready to work,” she said.
She was being cocky. But she was being happy, too. Enjoying herself. But I didn’t point that out to her.
Instead, I cast her line out. Then I handed her the pole.
“Now what?” she asked.
“You wait. If you see the bobber moving, you have a fish nibbling. You want to wait until the fish grabs before you hook it.”
“I hook it?” she asked.
I sighed. “Yes, sugar. When the bobber goes under, you snap the pole back. That sets the hook in the fish’s mouth.”
“Ouch.”
“Do you want to eat tonight?”
“Right.”
“Then you start reeling it in.”
I cast my line a little bit away from hers.
Then we just stood there.
“This is fun,” she said.
“Patience,” I said. “They’re not going to jump out of the water at you.”
“Someone’s touchy,” Lara teased.
“Okay, fine,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”
I went to a tree and grabbed a couple sticks. I then made Y’s out of them and jammed them into the ground. I balanced the fishing poles and pointed.
“There,” I said. “Just keep an eye on the bobber. You see that going under the water, you grab it and go.”
I went to my truck and grabbed a small cooler from the backseat.
I jumped up into the bed of the truck and took out two beers.
“Have a drink with me, sugar,” I said.
Lara got into the bed with me, and we sat there, just an hour or so away from sunset. In the peace of the woods. Not a sound or care in the world, which was the reason that I bought that cabin in the woods to begin with.
“Syi, what were you doing up there?” Lara asked me.
“Where?”
“At the desk. Were you looking at the maps again?”
“Actually, I wasn’t. I realized I hadn’t been up there in a while.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“Not sure yet,” I said. I glanced over at the bobbers. They were just sitting there.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can, sugar,” I said.
“I used to check on him all the time.”
“Thad?”
Lara nodded. “Like, obsessively. That’s why Kim would always ride my ass. I would always be looking him up. Stupid phones make everything so easy sometimes, you know? And it’s so easy for people to post a picture or some quote and make everyone think they’re happy.”
I nodded. It was the sad truth of fake reality.
“I would check on them like…I don’t know. Like I was part of it all. In some ways, I felt like I was part of it all. I mean, he was with me, then her, then came home to me. He knew she was pregnant, Syi. He flew out there and went to appointments with her. Decorated a nursery with her. And I mean, the whole time, she knew he was coming back here to me.”
I shook my head. “They both sound like assholes.”
“I needed to see the baby, too. In some weird way, it could have been my baby.”
I leaned forward and grabbed her hand. I pulled at her, bringing her to me. It was all so fucked up. I really felt bad for her.
“But I guess I’m glad he’s happy. And she’s happy. And their baby is healthy. I guess what I’m trying to tell you, Syi, is that I haven’t checked on them in a while. Because of you.”
“Me, huh?”
“You,” she said, looking up at me. “I just don’t care anymore. You know? Everything around me is in pieces, but I know I can sneak up here to be with you. That’s really comforting.”
“I don’t know how much comfort I really am, sugar,” I said. “I’m not all the way there myself, either.”
“That’s why it works. I just…you saved me, that night you found me on that bench, Syi. But you’ve been saving me ever since. I never want you to change who you are for me though, okay?”
I gently touched her face. “Well, Lara, if I have to admit some shit myself, you’ve been saving my ass, too. I have some hard questions that only I can answer. I have some truths to face. Decisions to make. You ease that burden on me. I keep waiting for the day you call me or send me a text saying you’re good now. That you don’t need to see me. It actually upsets me to think that day’s coming.”
“What? No way. No, Syi.”
“Sugar…”
“This isn’t a joke for me,” Lara said. She quickly turned and propped up on her knees. She grabbed for my beard, holding tight. “This is
n’t some rebound thing.”
“Rebound?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.
“That’s what Kim kept telling me to do. Find a guy to fuck to forget about everything else.”
“Which is what you’re doing,” I said with a wink.
“This is more, Syi. This is so much more to all of this. The way I feel. The things I think about. I’m just…it’s all about you right now.”
“That’ll wear off,” I said. “But until then…”
I pulled her in, bringing her lips to mine. I stole a few kisses from her.
She put her hands to my chest and pushed away. Then she climbed on top of me, straddling me. Her hands to my shoulders. That body of hers…those sweet curves…
I grabbed her by the hips and just held her.
“Syi, I’m not lying. This means something to me. Even if it doesn’t to you, I understand. I don’t want you to be something you’re not.”
“This is who I am,” I said. “I don’t hold back, sugar.”
“Good. You’re not a rebound. I’m not using you to forget someone else. You’re the one who’s shown me that it sucks, but it sometimes can suck a little less.”
I laughed. “That’s one way to put it.” I lifted my right hand to her cheek and touched her face. “Tell me something, Lara. Are you going to just work at the flower shop for the rest of your life?”
“Are you going to pretend to be a lumberjack for the rest of your life?”
“I’m good at what I do.”
“So am I,” she said.
“You should find a way to be happy.”
“So should you.”
“So, we’re just going to go back and forth here?”
“Yup.”
I slipped my hand to the back of her neck and pulled her in for a kiss.
Fuck, she tasted amazing. The way she smelled. The way her hands clung to me when we kissed. The way her tongue flicked inside my mouth. But I always took control.
My other hand eased around to her lower back, and I pulled, making her slide against me. Just being near her made my cock thicken. Having her that close to me, though, was something else entirely. I was hard as a rock, ready to take her.