by Lizz Lund
Bernie swallowed his blood, and reached for his gun. “Of all the nerve. Just when we were getting all friendly like. You girls keep eating. I’ll see this through.”
I stared at Mrs. Phang. “What do you think?”
“Now or never.”
We crept toward the doorway to watch Bernie, just as he was about to open the front door. Mrs. Phang hand-signaled me the 1-2-3 drill, with her giving the ‘go’ signal. She held up her hand for me to wait.
Bernie opened the door a crack. It was another delivery kid.
“Hey, Mr. Phang. My buddy forgot your fortune cookies. So I’m helping him out. But I got to tell you, after I told my manager, he just started laughing and laughing. ‘Help, I’m being held prisoner in a Chinese Fortune Cookie Factory’. Ha! Ha! Wow, that’s a classic. Your wife sure does have a good sense of humor.”
“You don’t say?”
“Yeah. Wow, it’s great to deliver to folks like you. Hey, it’s great to deliver to anyone these days. Anyway, my manager wants me to give you this.” He handed Bernie a piece of paper.
“A gift certificate?”
“For an order of free fried rice. My manager really appreciates a good sense of humor.”
“Uh, thanks, umm…”
“Leon. Leon Martini.”
“Martini?”
“Martini, like the drink, get it?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Mrs. Phang gave the three-finger and we dived toward the door.
She threw it open. “Help!!! We’re being kidnapped!”
Leon Martini spun around but never saw what was coming. Bernie pulled the trigger from behind her and down he went.
“No!” Mrs. Phang cried. She spun around, face-to-face with Bernie. He calmly pointed the pistol at me.
“Your call, Tina. It’s not any harder to hide two bodies than one.”
“Maybe he’s not dead?” I asked cautiously. “It was an accident, right? You just over-reacted?”
“Why don’t you find out, Cookie? Tina and I will wait for you here.” He waved the gun at me, pointing toward the door. Then he held the gun to Mrs. Phang’s forehead.
“Sure,” I lied. Geez. This was the second dead guy in a week. It was a surreal adjustment to see someone dead, just moments after you’d met them alive. I walked out slowly, and stared at the prone body. Leon Martini’s eyes were wide open, staring into infinity. There was a small hole in the center of his down vest. I bent down and touched his throat for a pulse, just in case. My hands were shaking and I wasn’t sure. I turned around and faced Bernie and Mrs. Phang standing inside the doorway. I shook my head.
“Bring him in here,” Bernie shouted.
I looked at him. “You’re kidding, right? I can’t lift him by myself!” Truth was, I couldn’t. And even if I could, I’d probably puke. I was also stalling for time. A car had to drive by sometime, right? We couldn’t be the only inhabitants on the block, right?
Bernie shoved Mrs. Phang hard and she fell out the front door. “Drag him in here. And no monkey business.”
Mrs. Phang walked toward me, muttering. “Monkeys! He got monkeys on the brain…” She sighed, looked at me and closed Leon’s eyes. “C’mon. We’ll get him into a sitting position, and put both his arms around us.”
I did as I was told.
“All right, on three: one, two…” We got the corpse to his feet and dragged him by his toes into the living room and laid him down. Bernie slammed the door behind us.
“Not here, you dummies. He’ll ooze all over the floor.”
The thought of oozing made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Move him to the basement.”
We stood there, dumbstruck. Was he really going to make us share our basement prison with a dead guy?
“Now!”
We repeated the one-two-three thing and dragged him through the dining room, kitchen, and down the short flight of stairs. Bernie shone the flashlight down the steps. We lay him near the bottom, trying to keep him away from any puddles, for God knows what reason. Mrs. Phang felt around, and found a canvas drop cloth. She laid it over Leon’s body, and pulled it up over his face.
“Nice touch, Tina. Very respectful like.”
Mrs. Phang whirled around. “He was just a delivery guy! Why’d you have to kill him?”
Bernie came down a step, shining the light in her eyes. “I didn’t kill him, you did. Remember, help-we’re-being-kidnapped?”
“You can’t blame a gal for trying.”
“Didn’t say that I did. But you gotta understand something, Tina. Soon – very soon – I’m spending the rest of my life on an island. Sipping cocktails in the sand. And no one’s going to ruin that for me. No one.”
“How are you going to do that?” I asked.
He waved the gun at me. “It’s all paid for; lock, stock and barrel.”
“I’m sure. But how are you going to sip cocktails in the sand? Unless of course, I mean, are you only going to do that by moonlight?”
“Huh?”
I waved my arms in frustration. “You just made an elaborate order for a bloody meal, and you forgot you’re a vampire? I don’t know too many vampires who sunbathe on the beach.”
Bernie stared at me. A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. “You’re right, Cookie. That’s exactly what I need. An elaborate meal.” He shut the door to the basement and turned the deadbolt with his key. He pointed the gun at me. “Go get the handcuffs. Now!”
I backed up and tripped on some bags of concrete mix. I fell back onto the handcuffs.
Bernie rolled his eyes. “You’re a real klutz, you know that?”
I nodded, wide-eyed, staring at the gun.
Then he came down the steps, pointing the gun at Mrs. Phang’s head. “Go ahead, have a seat.” He pushed her down hard on the floor, next to the beam where I’d been handcuffed earlier. “Put the handcuffs on her.”
Mrs. Phang looked at me, and I sat up against the post, waiting.
“No, not you. Her. Mina, handcuff Tina like a good girl, won’t you?”
We exchanged glances, and held our breaths. There weren’t a lot of options. I put a handcuff on Mrs. Phang’s left wrist, and started to repeat the same with the other.
Bernie stepped over. “Oh, no you don’t. Wrap her arms behind the pole.”
“You want me to handcuff her to the pole?”
“Is there an echo in here?”
Mrs. Phang hung her head. I tried to keep from crying. Somewhere on Bernie there was that thing he used to pick the lock. And the key to the deadbolt. How could I get them off him?
“Good. Now stand up, nice and easy like. Away from Tina.” He pointed the gun directly at me. I backed up away from her.
“Great.” He rested the gun on top of a high shelf, full of old baby jars filled with nails, bolts, and other odds and ends. “Let’s start with the first course!” Bernie lunged toward me.
I screamed.
Mrs. Phang screamed.
Bernie screamed.
“What the fuck? You gonna rape her? You old enough to be her grandpa! You senile!” Mrs. Phang slipped back into broken English.
I slipped into a panic and ran around the basement like my hair was on fire. I stubbed my toe and fell onto a workhorse, throwing planks and hardware everywhere.
Bernie stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head. “I’m a vampire, Tina, we don’t do sex. Truth is, we can’t.”
“Fabulous. Dolores must be thrilled.”
“It’s not my fault!”
“Of course not. It happens to a lot of men your age.”
“You don’t understand. We’re separated!”
“Sorry.”
“I’m not sorry! I did it on purpose! To save her! In case I forgot myself.”
“Forgot yourself?” I asked, immediately wishing I’d kept my big mouth shut.
“I couldn’t suck the life blood out of my better half, could I? It’s not her fault I turned into a vampire. We’ve been married for fi
fty-three years!”
“Congrats.”
“Congratulate me in the afterlife, you stupid blood-pumping piece of flesh!” Bernie lunged at me, and we went tumbling. My head narrowly missed a pile of broken cinderblock, and connected with the cement floor instead.
I blinked a few times as I came to, dimly realizing that Bernie was sucking on my neck.
“Yecch!” I pushed him off and shoved him away. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m feeding!”
“You have no teeth!”
“Crap. You’re right. I left them upstairs in the glass. Be right back.” He hustled away for his gun and leaped up the steps, locking the door behind him.
I rubbed my neck and wiped away his spit. “Pretty spry for an old guy.”
“Quick! Can you barricade the door?” Tina asked.
I grabbed the flashlight and looked around. “There’s a bunch of cinderblocks, but I don’t think I have time to lift enough of them. Besides I can barely see.”
Tina thumped her head against the pole. “My luck, I gonna die with a stiff and a piss bucket while you get gummed to death.”
“I know, I know. This is pretty bad.”
Tina stopped thumping and sat up a bit. “The delivery place is going to be looking for that guy, sooner or later. What we need to do is guarantee us being here later.”
“Yeah?”
“So this is what you’re gonna do…”
CHAPTER 11
Wednesday afternoon
Bernie came thundering back through the door, locking it behind him. I switched the flashlight off.
“Very funny. You think you can hide from me in the dark? Vampires live in the dark. I can see everything in the dark.”
Mrs. Phang and I waited.
Bernie thumped down a few steps. “This will make things more interesting, anyway.” We heard him creak down another step.
I patted the chunks of cinderblock next to me, making sure they were within reach. Then I clutched the handle of the bucket.
“Olly, olly, oxenfree… C’mon Mina, Bernie needs a nosh.”
I heard him come down another two steps. Mrs. Phang had me count them before, to make sure. Just four more steps to go.
My blood was pounding in my ears. I couldn’t believe he didn’t hear it even if he didn’t have preternatural powers.
Another step. “I can smell you…”
Two more steps.
Mrs. Phang pretended to cough.
“Ah-ha!” Bernie leaped toward her, directly in front of me.
I tossed the bucket of piss in his face.
“Ughh!”
“Quick, Mina! Now!” Mrs. Phang screamed.
I grabbed a chunk of cinderblock and tossed it in the direction of Bernie’s screams.
“Ow!” Bernie grabbed his forehead.
“Another one! Knock him out!”
I grabbed another piece, instantly feeling guilty I was hurting a person on purpose, even if he was a deranged vampire. But I didn’t have a lot of options. I turned the flashlight on him, then hurled the next chunk. There was a squishy thud as Bernie crumbled to his knees.
“Now, Mina! Hurry!”
Mrs. Phang’s voice brought me back to the moment. His head was bleeding. I pushed him down on his belly with my foot and quickly took the gun.
Bernie lay still, breathing hard. It looked like I’d knocked him out. At least for the moment.
“Get the keys!” She hissed.
I felt around his back pocket and found his key holder thingy. I brought it over to Mrs. Phang. She walked me through lock picking 101. After what felt like a decade, we had her free.
Bernie groaned.
“Hurry!”
We leaped up the stairs, fumbling with the keys. After a half dozen tries, we found the right one and opened the lock and threw the door open.
Myron stood waiting for us.
“Thank you, Kitchen. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to open the deadbolt without the key.”
Mrs. Phang grabbed the gun from me. “Back off! I’ll shoot!”
“As will I.” Myron pointed a very high tech gun at me. There was a trail of a red laser beam aimed at my face. “Put the gun down. Here, by my foot.”
She leaned past me and slid the gun onto the kitchen floor.
“Now, put your hands up, behind your heads, and walk up here slowly, where I can see you.”
We trudged reluctantly up the stairs and into the kitchen.
“It appears the mice have played, while Dexter was away.” Myron nodded toward the takeout spread on the table.
“We got hungry,” I answered simply.
“It appears Bernard did, too, yes?” Myron gave a disgusted look toward Bernie’s plate.
A loud groan sounded from the basement.
“Yes, well I suppose that answers that. Come upstairs, Bernard.”
“Oh, my head! Oh, my Gawd!”
Myron shook his head resignedly and shouted down the steps, “Let’s postpone the histrionics, shall we?”
“My teeth! She broke my friggin’ teeth!” Bernie stumbled upstairs. While his being a geriatric vampire was a bit terrifying, he now looked like something straight out of a horror movie. His face was covered in blood, and he was completely soaked from head to toe in urine. That, and he was waving his teeth at us in his left hand.
“You see what you done? You know how much these cost? You little brat!” Bernie took a few steps toward me. Myron waved at him to sit down.
He sat down at the table with a thud. “Ugh. I should have stuck with the beef blood. This stinks.”
Myron waved a hand in front of his face. “You certainly do. Please get changed. Immediately!”
“All right, all right. I knew I should have stayed in my box.”
“Agreed.”
Bernie glowered at Myron a few moments. “You might want to be more careful around me, kid.”
Myron grabbed the dentures from Bernie’s hand. “Because you’ll gum me to death?” He tossed the broken choppers in the sink. They fell with a clattering, cracking sound.
“That’s gonna cost you.”
“Terrific. Send me the bill.”
Bernie stood up. “Don’t forget who’s the brains behind this outfit, huh? Your piece of the pie hasn’t been wired to you yet.”
Myron’s face turned plum. “You said you were going to do that yesterday.”
“I lied.”
Myron’s face went purple. “You’re double-crossing me?”
Bernie held up a hand. “You’re always such a hothead. No, I ain’t no double-crosser. Just a little insurance. To make sure I don’t leave any loose ends.”
Myron stared malevolently at him. “Quite. Speaking of loose ends, you wouldn’t want to tell me whose car is parked out front, would you?”
“Sure. It’s the delivery guy’s.”
“Delivery?”
“For the Chinese food.”
Myron closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “And where is the delivery guy now? Canvasing our whereabouts door to door?”
“Nope. He’s in the basement.”
“You took another hostage?”
“He didn’t get that lucky.”
Myron rolled his eyes. “You didn’t try to suck his blood, did you? Did you cut him? What is he doing, bleeding to death down there?”
Bernie scratched his head. “Geez, I wished I’d thought of that. Nope. I shot him.”
Myron blinked. “You shot the delivery man?”
“Leon.”
“Leon?”
“Leon Martini. Like the drink.”
“Well, what the bloody hell? Couldn’t you have just given him a tip?”
“I did! This was the other one. He came back with the fortune cookies!”
“You shot him over fortune cookies?”
“No! I shot him because these two were crying ‘help, we’re being kidnapped’ and the guy was gonna take off.”
Myron thumped hi
s gun down on the counter. “Well, this is a pickle! This is a pickle, Bernard! This is quite the mess!”
Bernie shrugged. “It’s just one body in the basement. When Dexter gets comes back, he can take care of it.”
“Precisely how do you propose he do so?”
Bernie shook his head. “We got a stiff in the basement, a motor boat, and a ton of loose cinderblock. We also got the Atlantic Ocean in our backyard. You need me to paint you a picture?”
Myron looked up, and smiled. “I misunderstood you Bernard. Yes, you really are the brains.”
Bernie tapped his temple with his forefinger. “Always thinking.”
“Yes, well. I do wish you’d have thought a bit further before you got doused in piss. Phew!”
“That was a miscalculation.” Bernie glared at me and Mrs. Phang. We tried to shrink back into the woodwork.
“We’ve got to lose his car.”
Bernie shrugged. “It’s not like he’s gonna report it stolen. All we gotta do is park it in the back. Besides, he’s probably got a pretty good security pass, for deliveries. That’ll give us an extra set of disposable wheels when we blow this joint.”
Myron squinted in thought. “Yes. Quite. Let’s move his car, immediately.”
“Gotta get the keys.”
“You didn’t take them off him?”
“I got distracted.” He smacked his chops in my direction. I felt my stomach lurch.
“Fine. Go get the keys off him, and let’s move.”
Bernie rubbed the back of his neck a bit. “Not so fast. I’m not going back down in the basement with a stiff. Besides, she konked me pretty good. The kid’s not such good luck for me in the konked noggin department.”
“Yes, I can see that. All right, move.” Myron pointed the laser gun thingy at my middle.
“Me?” I croaked.
“Yes, you! Get downstairs and get the car keys off that guy.”
“Off the dead guy?”
“Now!”
I crept down the steps, dreading the given chore.
“Go on, you can go faster than that!”
“I can’t see!”
“Too bad.”
Bernie stood behind Myron at the top of the steps. “You put him near the bottom, nice and peaceful like, remember? Pull the cover from over his head, and check his pockets.”
Oh boy.
I reached the basement floor, and walked cautiously. I didn’t want to step on the dead guy and squish him by accident. My shoe bumped into a sneaker. With a foot in it. I knelt down, and felt the canvas cover. I’d found him.