by Lizz Lund
Trixie stared at me, open-mouthed. “You got another dead guy?”
Chef leaned against the wall, munching his funnel cake, smiling at me.
I waved my arms. “It wasn’t my fault! He stroked out!”
Appletree nodded. “I’d have had a stroke too, if I’d lost all that money gambling, and my wife didn’t know.”
“I know! I know! $96,000!”
He shook his head. “Try closer to a million. The ninety-six was just the icing on the cake.”
“So that’s why he had a stroke?”
“That, and the pressure Myron was putting on him.”
“About?”
“Gambling. He was blackmailing him against his marriage. And his job.”
“That was rotten!”
“That was lucrative. Myron had connections to some top gambling sites. He got some names, and regularly hustled hush money out of some pretty high profile professionals.”
“How high profile?”
“Let’s just say, there are a few folks who won’t be running for re-election.”
“I won! I won!” K. came skittering into the mix.
“Won what?” I asked.
“The Mini Miracle!”
“Huh?”
“They just texted me!”
“Who did?”
“Don’t you remember the ‘enter to win’ contest at the mall?”
“For a Mini Cooper?”
Chef joined in. “You won a Mini? Wow, that’s great!”
“Well, I didn’t exactly win a Mini, per se.”
We looked at him.
“But I won a chance to buy one! At a discount!”
Clearly, not every crook hails from New Jersey.
K. pouted. “So, who’s coming with me to claim my prize?”
Trixie pretended to help Appletree. Miriam adjusted Vito’s beard.
“Oh, come on! It will be fun!”
“You want me to go to the mall?”
“Not shopping! To get my Mini discount!”
“Thanks. But I’m giving it a rest.” And I have been. Given my PTSD over my near-death experience, I’d quit the Sidekick gig. I became faint at the thought of the mall. The other part of my therapy consisted of ordering a pasta maker. I was certain I’d feel lots safer once my windows were full of drying pasta.
“Pooh.”
“You don’t have to go right away, do you?”
K. bobbed with anticipation. “First come, first serve!”
Chef grinned. “You don’t think this is a marketing ploy, do you?”
K. stared at him. “There are only so many cars!”
“And so few buyers?”
“Precisely.”
Barnum was right.
“I’m off, Sweetie.”
“Don’t sign anything without me!”
“Never.”
Trixie’s cell phone rang. “No, I’m not buying anything weird.”
Appletree rubbed his forehead. “She’s helping me. That’s weirder.”
Trixie listened. “Yes, that was Appletree.”
She listened some more. “No, that’s not correct. Or fair.”
Appletree began to whistle “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” under his breath, as he helped another victim sign their claim form.
Trixie whacked his shoulder. “All right, all right. I’ll keep you company.” She shut off the phone, looked at me and shrugged. “Anything you want to buy here, before I turn into a pumpkin?”
“When’s that?”
“Now is good.”
“We just got here!”
Chef stepped forward. “I just got here, too.”
Trixie tossed on her jacket. “Okay, I leave you in capable hands.” And off she went.
“So, anything in particular you want for Christmas?”
“Funnel cake is good.”
He offered me his plate. “Anything else?”
I chewed on it. “Not really.”
“Something tells me you’ve been a very good girl this year.”
“Don’t believe everything you hear.”
He smiled. “I don’t.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“There has to be something on your wish list.”
“A job would be good.”
“You have three.”
I shook my head. “I’m down to two.”
“I stand corrected. But you could use some time off.”
“I guess.”
“You’ll have a blast with the twins over Christmas.”
“I know. And you don’t have to worry. I’ll be back the day after, for the Hinkey party.”
“I wasn’t thinking about it.”
“You weren’t?”
“Nope.”
I looked up into his deep blue eyes, which were sparkling at me intently. “Then what are you thinking about?”
“What are you doing New Year’s, Mina?”
Dear Reader,
I hope you enjoyed Christmas Bizarre. Please spread the word, so others can have some fun, too. Please post a brief review on Amazon.com. Or recommend it to an online reader’s group, like GoodReads.com.
I value your feedback – if you were kind enough to post a review, please let me know: [email protected]
If this is your first Mina book, you might want to read how the story started with Kitchen Addiction! Click here to try it now.
The sequel, Confection Connection is in the works, as is the fourth in the series, Perfectly Pickled.
Please stay in touch, and check out my website, http://www.LizzLund.com for updates and blog posts. And always feel free to email me – I do answer all emails: [email protected]
For social media visits, click here for my Facebook page. On Twitter, I’m @FunnyAuthor.
In the meantime, before you go, please continue on to the recipe section of this book. Enjoy!
—lizz
Christmas Bizarre – Recipes
Mina’s Pot Roast
Mina’s pot roast is based on my Ma’s recipe. Her gravy uses crushed ginger snaps as a ‘thickener’ rather than flour or corn starch (pot roast purists – consider yourselves forewarned.)
3 lbs. bottom round beef roast (‘rump roast’); approximately
2-3 tablespoons vegetable oil (not olive oil, as it burns)
1 medium onion
2 large carrots (or, 8 baby carrots)
1 tablespoon (about) whole allspice
3-5 large bay leaves
Ginger snaps
1-2 cups red wine (preferably, burgundy)
Salt, pepper
Heat the oil in a large pot with a lid (Dutch oven; medium stockpot). When the oil is hot, brown the meat, searing all sides (make sure to not turn the meat too quickly, or it will stick to the bottom of the pot.)
Chop the onion, and add to the pot after the meat has been browned on all sides. The object here is to get the onions soft/translucent, not browned.
Cut the carrots into bite-size pieces, and toss into the pot. These will be mashed later on, to provide added flavor to your gravy.
Add the allspice, and bay leaves (crinkling them as you add to the mix.)
Add 1 cup of wine, and some water so that the liquid rises to about two inches surrounding the roast. If this is not enough, add some more wine.
Simmer the roast for 2-3 hours, turning it on each side so that it cooks evenly throughout. If the liquid reduces too much, add a little more wine.
To serve: remove the meat from the pot and set aside on a cutting board. Strain/remove bay leaves with a slotted spoon.
Using a potato masher (or an electric hand blender, if you have one), blend the cooked carrots and onions into the liquid.
Mash the gingersnaps in a small Cuisinart (or blender) until you have about 2/3 C ground ginger snap crumbs. Add them a little at a time to the meat juices, mixing well, until you reach the gravy consistency you wish.
Serves 5-6 adults, approximately.
Sugges
ted sides: cooked carrots, oven-roasted fresh brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, pickled red cabbage.
Not-Vito’s Choucroute Garnie
I was horrified to discover that Vito’s various means of killing kielbasa are based (loosely) on fact, according to my better half, the Chef. Apparently, there are as many versions of Choucroute Garnie as there are Vito’s best intentions not to destroy it. Oy vey. The version below is my take on this game; which personally I find well suited as comfort food in the winter.
1 large can of sauerkraut, rinsed
1 large onion, chopped
8 small red-skinned potatoes (or 4 large, halved)
1 lb. (small bag) baby carrots
1 apple; cored, peeled and chopped
3 bay leaves
1 heaping teaspoon caraway seeds
1-2 cups white wine (a good Chardonnay will do)
2 slices thick-cut bacon
1 lb. smoked Kielbasa
1 lb. Knockwurst
1 lb. pork chops
Preheat the oven to 350-degrees F.
Rinse and drain the sauerkraut well, and spread across the bottom of a large roasting pan (I use glass/Pyrex). Sprinkle the chopped apple and caraway seeds on top.
Cook the bacon in a skillet. Remove the cooked bacon and set aside. Add the chopped onion to the bacon grease (you may want to add a little butter.) Cook until translucent. Combine with the sauerkraut/apple mixture in the roasting pan.
Melt the butter in the skillet and combine with vegetable oil. Cook the pork chops to brown on each side; until about half-way cooked through. Add the pork chops to the center of the roasting pan, resting on top of the sauerkraut mixture. Crumble the bacon and sprinkle on top of the pork chops.
Prick the skins of the Knockwurst, then add to the roasting pan, to surround the pork chops. Add the carrots to the outside of the Knockwurst, to outline the meats with a carrot ‘ring’.
Cut the kielbasa into 2-inch sections and add to the edges of the pan, alternating with the red potatoes.
Place the roasting pan on an oven rack, and add about 1 cup of the white wine. Bake until all meats are cooked, approximately 1 hour; times will vary. Also, you will want to look in on it every 20 minutes or so, to adjust adding more wine or not.
To serve: remove from oven and let ‘set’ for about 10-15 minutes. Serve with a slotted spoon, making sure a taste of each meat is included in each portion.
Serves 6 adults, approximately.
Suggested sides: green salad topped with sliced apple and a light champagne vinaigrette; French/Italian bread.
Christmas Party Cocktail Quiches
This is the type of hors d’oeuvres Chef Jacque could probably whip up in his sleep. He certainly would have served it (or something similar) at the catered Christmas party featuring Tipsy Town Gal. This is an easy take on making mini quiches for a crowd.
Mini-muffin tins (more than 1 is better here…)
Pam or other non-stick baking spray
2 packages refrigerated biscuit dough
6 oz. grated Swiss cheese
5 oz. diced ham (can be found pre-cooked/prepared)
1 ½ cups heavy cream
Small onion, minced
2-3 tablespoons butter
3 eggs
Dashes to taste: salt, pepper, cayenne, nutmeg
2 good shots of brandy (other ‘spirit’ substitutions can be made here if brandy is not on hand; blended whiskey; sherry, etc.)
Small can crushed pineapple
~ ½ cup white granulated sugar
Preheat the oven to 350-degrees F. Spray the mini-muffin tins with the baking spray.
In a small skillet, sauté the minced onion in butter (make sure the onion is minced very finely; I used my mini-Cuisinart for this one.) Transfer to a mixing bowl when translucent.
Mince the ham a little at a time in the Cuisinart (or, dice finely on a cutting board). Add to the mixing bowl with the onion.
Add the 3 eggs to the mixing bowl and stir well. Combine the cheese and heavy cream; mix well. Add salt, pepper, cayenne and nutmeg to suit. Set aside.
Break apart the dinner rolls, cutting each roll into quarters. Roll the quarters out until they can be manipulated to line each mini-muffin cut-out. (I’m not a huge fan of rolling pins; for this recipe I used a heavy old-fashioned glass and rolled carefully to avoid getting broken glass in the mix. It doesn’t take much effort.) NOTE: open up 1 package of biscuits at a time, and keep refrigerated to roll as you go. If you are re-using the same muffin tins, wait until they cool before repeating this step. Otherwise, your dough will get very sticky and cling to everything – including rolling pins or rolling pin substitutes.
Divide the ham/cheese/cream mixture into the shells (I used a small gravy ladle which I found useful.) Bake for 10-12 minutes or until golden (everyone’s oven varies; and the mini-sizes cook more quickly.) When done, remove to a platter to serve immediately, or to a cookie sheet if guest are to arrive later (these warm up well in the oven, on a 200-250 F setting).
To make the pineapple dipping sauce: strain the crushed pineapple and combine with about half a cup of sugar in a small saucepan and heat until simmering. Cook until the liquid reduces, and add a small amount of cayenne to taste, if you wish.
This recipe makes 60 mini-quiches; it can serve up to 20 adults if it is serve with other appetizers. This is also a recipe that freezes well; including the pineapple glaze. To freeze any extras; put the quiches in an air-tight freezer bag. Freeze the pineapple glaze in a separate bag (to avoid freezer burn.)
Not-Miriam’s Bloody Mary
My husband and I had the dubious adventure of flying from Harrisburg to Tampa, during a period in which Chef Husband sported a full fiber glass foot cast on his right foot. We can vouch for the efficiency and compassion of the airport “train shuttles” in Charlotte, NC, as much as we can the Bloody Mary in the Tampa airport. The fun part of this beverage was it being served in a pub-style beer glass, edged in chili salt. Here ye be.
1 small can tomato juice
Tabasco sauce
Worcestershire sauce
Prepared horseradish
Chili powder
Cayenne powder (optional)
Salt
Fresh lime
Celery stalks (optional)
Vodka
In a small pitcher (or other container), combine: 2 shot vodka, dashes of Tabasco, Worcestershire, horseradish and chili powder to taste, along with some cayenne if you really like a zing. Add a good amount of ice, stir, and set aside.
For the glass to be served: combine about 1 teaspoon chili powder and ½ teaspoon salt onto a small saucer or salad plate. Quarter the lime. Rub the lime quarter on the rim of the glass, then ‘dip’ the glass into the chili/salt mixture to rim the glass. Fill the glass the ice, and pour the Bloody Mary mixture, straining the old ice. Squeeze the quartered lime onto the top of the beverage. Garnish with a clean celery stalk as a “stirrer” if desired. (Or, you might opt for a bamboo shish kabob skewer stacked with tomalives.)
Pork Tenderloin with Balsamic Raspberry Gastrique
An easy dish that looks like you fussed. Enjoy a good read while you wait.
1 pork tenderloin (averages 1lb. to 1 ¼ lbs.)
Salt and pepper, to taste
Olive oil
Crushed rosemary leaves, about 1 teaspoon
4 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4 tablespoons sugar
1 heaping teaspoon raspberry jam
Preheat the oven to 425-degrees F. Spray the roasting pan with the baking spray.
Place the pork tenderloin in the roasting pan, and liberally rub with olive oil. Sprinkle the rosemary leaves over the top and sides, as well as salt and pepper. Add a small amount of water to the bottom of the pan (2-3 tablespoons) to avoid sticking.
Place in oven and cook until the top appears brown. When brown, remove the meat from the oven (it will not be cooked at this point). Lower the temperature to 350-degrees F. Once the new setting is re
ached, return the meat to the oven (if you keep the meat in the oven while waiting for the temperature to adjust, you will risk overcooking/drying the meat as these are usually very small/lean cuts of meat.)
In a small saucepan, heat the balsamic vinegar and sugar together and stir until completely blended, much like a simple syrup. Add the raspberry jam a little at a time, to taste. Heat until ingredients are completely dissolved, and the sauce reaches a thick consistency.
To serve: let the tenderloin rest for 5-10 minutes before slicing. Arrange slices on a platter, with the gastrique in a separate container for individual serving.
Serves 4 adults, approximately.
Suggested sides: roasted vegetables; red potatoes, onions, carrots, little parsnip, baby beets. Other sides: sautéed zucchini; cauliflower; baby carrots.
Roast Cornish Game Hens with Pomegranate-Hoisin Glaze
Mina used a duck for her version; but I’m averse to blow-drying in the kitchen. Also, the hens are pretty to serve whole on a platter (if they are small). If they are large enough for 2 adult portions, prepare by cutting in half prior to baking, then arranging the cooked halves on a serving platter.
4 small Cornish game hens (or, 2 larger hens)
4 tablespoons butter
½ teaspoon smoked paprika
Salt and pepper, to taste
½ cup pomegranate juice
1 cup Hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon brown sugar
Baking spray
Let the butter become soft, at room temperature. Preheat the oven to 350-degrees F. Spray the roasting pan with baking spray.
Rinse and clean the hens, discarding any enclosed giblets, etc. (If you are using larger birds and wish to half them, cut them in half at this point.) Place in roasting ban and pat dry.
In a small bowl, combine the softened butter with the smoked paprika. Liberally rub the butter mixture over the skin. Add salt and pepper to taste. Place into the oven and bake, uncovered, until the birds are almost cooked, about 45 minutes – 1 hours (depending on size).
While the hens are baking: in a small saucepan, mix together and heat the pomegranate juice, Hoisin sauce and brown sugar until everything is blended, and the consistency is similar to barbeque sauce, but a bit thinner.
Remove hens from oven, and coat them with the pomegranate-hoisin sauce mixture. Return to oven, lowering the temperature to 300-degress F (to avoid burning the sugar in the sauce; if your oven runs hot, you might want to lower more but adjust your cooking time, it will take longer to finish baking the birds.)