by Amy Cross
Once I'm dressed, I walk through to the kitchen and open the fridge door. Staring back at me, there's an ice-cold beer. Just one. I could take it right now. Would one beer really hurt?
Annie Radford
Three miles from Lakehurst Psychiatric Hospital. Today
The last time I was in a car, I was being driven to Lakehurst and it wasn't really a car at all; it was a large van, and I was shackled to a railing in the back. With the trial over, it had been decided that I should be indefinitely detained at Lakehurst pending a thorough psychiatric evaluation, and there remained - in the judge's words - "doubts" about my "ability to interact with authority figures without resorting to violence". That's why they'd secured me tightly in the back of the van for the long journey to the hospital. They were scared of me.
This time, it's much more sedate. Nurse Perry lets me sit in the front passenger seat, even though I can kind of tell that she's uncomfortable with the whole trip. I can just imagine how Nurse Winter must have gently forced her to agree. As the car speeds along the narrow country road leading to the gas station, I find myself staring out the window at the forest, and wondering if I can't just jump out and go live in the wild. Wouldn't that be a solution for everyone? Nurse Perry would never have to see me again, and I could just spend the rest of my life alone, never having to interact with anyone. I'd like that.
"What are you thinking about?" Nurse Perry asks suddenly, in an apparent attempt to change the mood.
I turn to her.
"You seem lost in thought, Annie," she continues. "I was just wondering what's on your mind".
I stare at her, not sure what to say. Part of me is concerned that this might be a trick. After all, it seemed like Nurse Winter could read my mind earlier, so what if they can all get into my head and hear my thoughts? The more I think about this, the more it makes sense, and I start to realize that everything's just a big pantomime designed to trick me into believing that these people are my friends. They're not; they're my enemies.
"It's alright to be nervous," Nurse Perry continues. "This is a big change for you, but it's an important step on the road to recovery. Just relax and don't push yourself too hard". She pauses, smiling as she glances at me. "You know what I mean, right?"
I look straight ahead. I know exactly what Nurse Perry means: she means that I should just calm down and accept whatever anyone says or does to me. The voice was right earlier: there's something predatory and invasive about Nurse Perry, and it makes her dangerous. If I'm not careful, she'll have me out of the car so she can have her way with me. I can't believe that no-one else sees this side of her. Forget Nurse Winter: it's Nurse Perry who's clearly the most dangerous and violent figure at Lakehurst. Why am I the only one who recognizes the truth?
"You want to come in with me?" Nurse Perry asks as we pull into the gas station forecourt. It's a small station, the kind of place that probably only gets a couple of customers a week.
Without saying anything, I get out of the car. I don't particularly want to go into the building, but I figure I might as well show some (fake) enthusiasm. After all, it's been so long since I was out in the 'real' world and I don't know when I'll next get the chance. I follow Nurse Perry as we head inside, and I can't take my eyes off the back of her head. What's going on in there? What does she really think about me? Why is it that everyone seems to be able to hear my thoughts, but I can't hear theirs? I just want to be able to deal with them on a level playing field, but everyone seems so complete and whole.
While Nurse Perry speaks to the cashier, arranging the purchase of some new cans of petrol, I wander over to the magazine rack. To my surprise, I find that all the magazines are about me. There's 'Annie Radford Monthly' and 'The Annie Radford Review', plus 'The Annie Radford Chronicle' and 'Annie: A Magazine for Fans of Annie Radford'. I knew I was well-known, but I didn't think it had got this crazy. Smiling, I turn and walk over to the candy stand, and there I find another surprise: all the candy bars are named after me too. I pick one up and see that it's called 'The Annie Bar', while there are others called 'Radford', 'Annie' and even a dark chocolate version called 'Smooth Annie'. In a nearby cooler, cans of Annie Soda are stacked in neat rows. Again, I smile. The world really does seem to have gone crazy while I was in Lakehurst. I wonder if I'm going to get royalties for all these sales? I could be a billionaire by the time I get out of here!
Looking over at a bag of candy, I see that it contains small green balls called 'Annie Balls'. Feeling a little light-headed, I decide that I should probably eat three of them. I'm starting to regret not taking my pills earlier, so I figure this green candy is the next best option. While the cashier is distracted by Nurse Perry, I discretely open the bag of 'Annie Balls' and eat three, before putting the bag back where I found it. I know I shouldn't do things like that, but I can't admit to Nurse Perry that I didn't take my pills, can I? Especially after what happened to Alfred.
"Annie, are you okay?" Nurse Perry asks, and suddenly I realize that she's come over to me.
I nod.
"Is this all a bit too much for you?" she asks.
I shake my head.
She smiles. "Just a couple more minutes and then we'll be heading back, okay?" She turns and walks back over to the cashier, and I reach into my pocket and feel the blade of the letter opener.
"Anything she takes, you have to pay for," the cashier says quietly to Nurse Perry.
"Of course," Nurse Perry whispers in reply.
"I can hear you," I mutter under my breath.
I walk over to the window. I can't believe this asshole cashier thinks I'm going to steal stuff. If he's really that bothered, why doesn't he ask me to leave? It's not like this is my favorite place in the world, anyway. I turn to Nurse Perry. "I'll be outside," I say.
She looks over, and I can see that she's not sure she should let me go out. "Annie -"
"I'll be fine," I say. "I'll stay by the car, so you can see me. Okay?"
"Okay," she says uneasily.
I head out of the building, back out into the breezy afternoon. That gas station was crazy. I mean, what kind of company makes a profit by selling magazines and candy named after me? Looking up at the sign above the building, I see with surprise that it's called 'The Annie Radford Gas and Supplies Store'. Huh. I can't help but smile at the thought that this poor asshole has based his entire brand on my name. That's quite a compliment, even if he does seem to be a moron.
"Hey," says Nurse Perry as she comes out of the store. "All done. We're paid up for the next month". She walks over to the car, but she stops when she sees that I'm not following. "Annie?" she asks, using a hand to shield her eyes from the sun as it shines from behind me.
I reach into my pocket and feel the blade of the letter opener. It would be so easy to just kill her right now and then run off into the forest, but somehow I feel like this isn't the right spot. I need to choose my moment carefully, and there's a danger here that the cashier might try to interrupt me. I'll only get one chance to get this right, and I need to pick my moment perfectly. It's all part of the test.
"You coming?" she asks, getting into the car. I wander over a little reluctantly, but despite my misgivings I get into the car and we head off back in the direction of Lakehurst. I should have killed her right there and then, and now I've missed my chance because I was too scared. I should have learned my lesson from the time with my brother. I spent so long prevaricating before I killed him, and it didn't make things any easier; if anything, it made the whole thing much harder. All I have to do this time is plunge the letter opener into Nurse Perry's head, or neck, or chest, and wait out the couple of minutes while she gurgles to death. It's not that hard.
"Get on with it," says the voice in my head.
I nod.
"You okay?" Nurse Perry says, glancing over as we head back along the road toward Lakehurst.
"Tell her you're okay," the voice says.
"I'm okay," I say.
"Good," she replies. "So how do
you think your first trip out has gone? Have you had a good time?"
I nod, not really sure what to say. Feeling the blade of the letter opener in my pocket, I try to imagine what it would be like if I'd already plucked up the courage to kill her. She could be dead by now, and I'd be running off into the woods. The freedom would be intense.
"You can't do that," the voice says.
"What?" I say.
"Annie?" Nurse Perry says, looking a little concerned.
"Nothing," I say. "Sorry".
"You have to stay at Lakehurst," the voice says. "You can't just do the deed and then fuck off. I need you to stay at the hospital. Your final task is coming soon, and I need you to be there".
I nod.
"Annie?" Nurse Perry says again.
"I'm fine!" I say, raising my voice a little.
"Okay," she replies, but I know she doesn't believe me. Damn it, she's probably already trying to work out what's wrong. As soon as we get back, she'll tell Nurse Winter that I wasn't stable while we were out. After that... I start to tense up as I realize that I might end up getting more special treatment.
"Special treatment's nothing," the voice says. "Special treatment's a piece of cake compared to some of the other stuff they do down in that basement". There's a pause. "You know what they did to Jerry's Mom, don't you?"
I shake my head.
"You should ask around," the voice continues, with a gleeful tone. "You know about the German doctor. Right? Tell me you know about the German doctor, Annie".
I shake my head again.
"He's in the attic," the voice says. "He lives up there. Hiding. Waiting. Every second of every day, he sits there and he thinks up new ways to torture people. He says he's carrying out important research, but he's not. He's just a torturer and a murderer, and eventually he's gonna come for you, Annie, because you're a perfect specimen".
I shake my head, trying to fight back tears.
"You've seen what happened in the Second World War," the voice goes on, "when they carried out all those experiments in Germany. Are you so naive that you think they actually caught all the scientists who were behind that? Most of them got away, to South America and Africa, but some of them came here, to America. One of them's in the attic at Lakehurst, Annie, and he's got a list of all the patients, and your name's on that list, and he's -"
"Annie?" Nurse Perry says.
I look over at her, shocked. To be honest, I'd kind of forgotten she was even there. "There's a German doctor in the attic," I blurt out, "and he's -" I suddenly stop speaking and look down, scrunching my eyes closed.
"It's okay," Nurse Perry replies, sounding a little shaken. "We're almost back at the hospital. Look, here's the driveway". I don't look up, but I can feel the car turn off the main road and onto the driveway that winds through the forest and eventually leads to Lakehurst's front door. "Annie, can you hear me?"
I nod, feeling the blade in my pocket, holding onto it as tight as I can.
"Just a few minutes, Annie," she says.
I squeeze the blade tighter and tighter.
"You're doing great," Nurse Perry says. "You're -"
Suddenly I gasp as my grip on the blade becomes so tight that I can feel it grinding against bone. I raise my hand and see that there's a thick, deep cut across the palm, with blood pouring down past my wrist. It probably isn't deep enough to be life-threatening, but it's starting to hurt.
"What did you do?" Nurse Perry says, speeding the car up. "Don't panic, Annie. We're nearly there. How did you do that? What have you got in your pockets?"
I reach down and pull the letter opener out. "This," I say.
"Give me that," she replies, with fear in her voice.
I stare at her. Where's the voice in my head? I need to know what to do.
"Give me the knife," she says.
"I..." I pause. For a moment, I consider just handing it over, or throwing it out the window.
"Annie -" she says.
I lash out with the knife, slicing the blade across her face. She lets out a brief cry as I see that I've cut her left eyeball open. Blood is pouring from the wound, and a blob of thick, dark red, congealed matter slowly slips out and drops onto her clean white uniform. My first instinct is to attack again, so I plunge the knife straight into the eye, pushing it as far as I can into her head; I feel the blade go all the way through into her brain. She gasps, staring at me as she loses control of the car. We speed off the road and onto the grass, bumping along with Lakehurst getting closer and closer. All I can do is stare straight at Nurse Perry's face as the knife sticks out from her bloodied and bleeding eye. I can tell she's dead by the way her body bounces against the side window when the car goes over a large hump in the lawn. Looking straight ahead, I see a tree in our path, and I realize my safety belt isn't on. I reach down, trying to buckle myself in, and I get it done just in time before the car smashes into the tree and everything goes black.
Nurse Winter
Middlebridge College. 1998.
"What happened to Adam?" asks Rachel on Monday morning as we're sitting in the college cafeteria. We're supposed to be having Adam's class in a couple of hours, which I'm kind of dreading. Rachel, of course, knows nothing about what happened the other night. I really don't want to brag about having sex with a guy like Adam. If anyone found out, I'd never be able to show my face around here. I know Adam's worried that I'll tell people, but there's no chance of that at all.
"I don't know," I say, immediately tensing up a little. "Did something happen to him?"
She shrugs. "I just heard he was down in reception earlier, shouting at the woman behind the desk. Apparently he was all mad and yelling at her and stuff".
I pause for a moment. The most important thing here is that Rachel doesn't question my reaction. "Who knows?" I say, trying to sound casual. "He's kind of crazy most of the time, right?" At that moment, I spot Adam walking into the cafeteria. As soon as he spots me, he gestures for me to go over and talk to him, and he's got a concerned, angry look on his face. I want to ignore him, but I get the feeling I've got no choice here.
"Back in a second," I say to Rachel, getting up and walking toward the door. Adam immediately steps out, and I find him over by the noticeboard in the reception area. "You okay?" I ask him, even though I can see that he's far from okay.
"Is this a joke?" he replies, holding out something black. It takes me a moment to realize that it's some kind of dead bird.
"What?" I say.
"Is this," he continues, speaking slowly, "a fucking joke?"
I stare at the bird. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You don't know anything about it?" he asks, shoving the bird towards me.
I step back. "I don't know what you're talking about," I say. "Why the hell have you got a dead bird in your hand?"
"That's a very interesting question, Kirsten," he says, clearly trying to contain his rage. "I was hoping you'd tell me where this fucking thing came from. I mean, I know you're still young, but is your sense of humor so fucking juvenile? Do you actually find this funny?"
I take a deep breath. "I don't know what you're talking about," I say, "but if you want to keep everything under the radar, you should probably stop acting like this in public and stop waving a dead bird around where people can see you".
"Come to my office," he says.
"I'm busy," I reply, turning to go back into the cafeteria.
"Come to my fucking office!" he insists, grabbing my arm and pulling me along with him. I try to get free, but as we reach the main reception area I stop struggling. There are too many people around, and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself. Everyone's busy getting on with their own days, so Adam and I can slip through pretty much unnoticed, provided we don't do anything to make ourselves stand out.
"At least let go of me," I say as we hurry through the crowd. "This looks weird".
He lets go of my arm as we reach his office. Pushing the door open, he leads me in
side. There's a large crate next to his desk. It's more than a meter square, and the lid's loose.
"So you're telling me," he says, with barely contained anger, "that you don't know anything about this. You're telling me that this isn't some kind of revenge for what happened the other night?"
"What's in it?" I ask.
He pushes the lid off and I see that the crate is full of dead birds.
"Crows," he says. "A whole crate of dead crows". He drops the bird from his hand onto the others. "This disgusting thing was delivered to my office this morning. No-one saw the driver. The damn thing just appeared here. What the fuck, Kirsten? I thought... I mean, are you insane? What's this about? Are you trying to blackmail me?"
"I didn't send this," I say, trying not to stare at the birds' dark little dead eyes. "Why the hell would I do something like this? This is crazy. I wouldn't... I mean, where would I even get them from?"
"Someone sent me a crate full of dead crows," he says. "The evidence is right in front of you. Some fucker did this, and I can promise you, I'm not a man who has lots of enemies. There's only one person who could possibly want to do this to me". He takes a deep breath. "In case you've forgotten," he continues, "it was you who came on to me. It was you who initiated the whole thing. I'm..." He pauses. "Fuck it, I should never have let you do that. I'm such a fucking idiot".
I take a deep breath. The crows are seriously creepy, but none of this makes sense. Even if I hated Adam, does he really think I'd choose to express my feelings by sending him a crate full of dead birds? "Where the hell do you think I got a load of dead crows?" I ask. "Seriously, how would I pull this off even if I wanted to? Don't you think I'd rather forget about what happened?"
"Then who else did it?" he says. "What does this mean?"
"You're the expert," I reply, "why don't you try to work it out? And then tell me".
He walks over to the bookcase on the other side of the room and pulls out a book. Searching through it for a moment, he finally finds the passage he wants. "Listen to this," he says. "In some South American cultures, the delivery of a pile of dead crows is considered the ultimate insult. It often precedes the delivery of a death curse, and those who receive such an offering are advised to make their peace and prepare for death". He looks over at me. "What kind of message are you trying to send me here? Is this a threat? I've got to tell you, Kirsten, that I find this pretty intimidating. This could be interpreted as a threat. Do you want me to report this to the police? They'll soon get to the bottom of it",