by Lois Richer
“That’s beautifully said.” Victoria’s gray eyes sparkled in the sun’s rays as she smiled at him and hugged against his side. “That’s exactly how I feel about this place. It’s inspiring and daunting at the same time.”
Ben slid his arm around her shoulders and felt her head rest against his chest as they stood together, comrades admiring God’s handiwork. He smelled the soft lemon scent of her shampoo, felt the satin brush of her dark hair against his cheek, saw her eyes widen as she studied him.
“What are you thinking?” she whispered.
“That I need to tuck this memory away so I can take it out and savor it when I’m back in Africa,” he told her very quietly. As if he could ever forget this woman.
“I wish you were staying, Ben.” Victoria turned to face him. “You have so much to offer, and I think you’d be a wonderful partner in this work.”
“I wish I could.” He lifted one hand and brushed the strands of hair out of her eyes. “I wish I never had to leave.”
“Then don’t.” Her gaze held him with an intensity that shook him to his core.
“I have to, Victoria. I have to work.”
“There’s work here. Lots of it.” Her chin jutted out. “You said you wished you could be here to see the kids arrive and leave, to watch their transformation. Then stay. Tell the military you can’t come back, that Mikey needs you.”
“Mikey doesn’t need me. He needs a father.” Ben eased away from her. “We’ve talked about it many times, Victoria. You know I can’t be the parent he needs.”
“I know what you’ve said.” She shoved her hands into her pocket but continued to study him. “Thing is, you can’t turn your back on your own nephew just because of something that happened to your brother long ago. You’re older, smarter. You’d make different, better choices now, Ben. You’d make a wonderful father.”
“You wouldn’t think so if—” He bit his lip, hating that he’d kept this secret so long, certain that if Victoria knew the entire terrible truth, he would be her last choice for fatherhood.
“If what?” Exasperation made her eyes glitter and lent a sharp edge to her words. “Let’s hear what keeps you from becoming that sweet little boy’s father.”
“The memory of his father trying to commit suicide. Because of me.” Ben couldn’t look at Victoria, couldn’t watch disgust fill her lovely face. Instead he wandered to a huge boulder that overlooked the valley and sat on it, peering down at the meadow and desperately wishing he didn’t have to confess. But he could no longer keep this secret.
Victoria seemed frozen in place, staring at him for several moments before she strode forward and stopped directly in front of him.
“Tell me all of it,” she ordered. “Get it into the light of day so we can deal with it. That’s what my aunties taught me.”
He had to smile at the way she said it, like a little girl who’d confessed to taking a cookie when told not to. How could Victoria ever understand? She’d had a rough life but she’d never had to play the heavy and then feel as if she’d ruined someone’s life.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me, Ben.”
He sighed heavily then let the details he’d never spoken to anyone flow out from the depths of his heart.
“He was ruining his life, stealing anything he could to pay for his habit but he wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t let me help him. I realized later that he was trying to escape, trying to blank out the pain. I didn’t know it then.” He hated saying this, but Victoria nudged her way onto the rock beside him and gripped his hand which gave him courage to continue. “I had a coin collection. Nothing expensive, but I’d had it since I was a little kid. It was the only thing I really valued.”
“Neil stole it,” she whispered.
“Yes. I confronted him but he had no remorse, no guilt. He needed it and I didn’t. I was so angry. He’d already taken the only two pieces of jewelry my mom had, along with our toaster, our television, anything he could get a dime for. But my coin collection was the last straw.” Ben pursed his lips, loathe to go on.
“I can understand that,” she stoutly defended.
“Can you understand me telling that miserable little kid that I was disgusted by him, that I wished I didn’t have a brother?” he grated.
“I can understand that,” she whispered.
Ben couldn’t suppress the tears that had lain hidden for so long so he rose and turned his back. He continued the story though, because it was too late to be silent.
“Can you understand me telling him never to come back unless he could return what he’d taken, Victoria?” Ben turned, saw her stricken look and nodded. “Yeah, I can’t, either. I crushed my own brother so badly he went to one of his druggie friend’s place and deliberately overdosed. He almost succeeded in dying. That’s how great a parental figure I am, Victoria. I did that to Mikey’s father.”
“My dear, dear Ben. You didn’t mean to hurt him. You were trying to help.” Victoria rested her damp cheek against his as her arms slipped around his neck. “You were barely an adult trying to take care of everyone. You loved Neil the only way you could. You did the very best you could in desperate circumstances. Stop hating yourself.”
Ben held her close, craving the comfort she offered even though he knew he could never be forgiven for the mistakes he’d made.
“You loved Neil, Ben, and I believe he knew that. Why else would he have made you Mikey’s guardian?” she whispered.
“Because there wasn’t anyone else.”
“Of course there was.” Victoria leaned back to look at him. “If your brother had hated you as you believe you deserve, he’d have made his son a ward of the court. But he didn’t. He put you in charge of Mikey because he loved and trusted you would do the right thing for his precious child. He knew that you would do what Neil and Alice couldn’t be here to do.”
“I’m not sure—” He was afraid to believe what she was saying, afraid to let go of the guilt.
“I am.” She brushed her lips against his cheek. “I’m very sure that you are a wonderful, brave man, Ben. You stand up for what’s right. You do the necessary, not the expedient. Neil knew that. I believe he considered the matter very carefully and decided, ‘My brother, Ben, did his very best for me. Even when I was hard to deal with, he was there, watching out for me, trying to help. I want that for my kid.’”
Ben had never considered anything but that he’d been chosen because there was no one else. Now he mentally replayed the details of the will and realized the amount of work Neil and Alice had done to ensure he was Mikey’s guardian.
He blinked back to awareness as Victoria’s hand cupped his cheek, loving the silkiness of her touch, tender against his wind-chapped skin.
“You found him, didn’t you?” she asked, her voice so tender. “When Neil overdosed, you went looking for him because you loved your brother and you had to make sure he was all right. Didn’t you?”
“Yes.” He couldn’t look away from Victoria’s blazing smile.
“Neil didn’t hate you, Ben. He loved you as much as you loved him. Let go of the guilt and accept that he never blamed you, that he understood what you did and why.”
Then she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his in a kiss that was at once reassuring and exciting and tender and determined and a host of other descriptions that made up this amazing woman.
Ben kissed her back because he couldn’t help himself. He adored Victoria’s generous spirit and her determination to make the world right for everyone. He tried to express his feelings, hoping he didn’t overwhelm her when he felt totally overwhelmed himself.
When she finally took a step back, her gray eyes were wide with surprise. Then she tucked her head into her neck and murmured, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why not?” he asked boldly, the words bursting out despite his attempt to remain cool and collected. He tucked his finger under her chin and pressed upward so she had to look at him.
“Because�
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“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now, Victoria. Why wouldn’t I?” Ben winked, striving for lightness, for his sake as much as for hers. “You’re beautiful, and you’re a good kisser.”
“Because you’ve had so much experience?” she said tartly as red dots appeared on each cheek. “Mr. World Traveler.”
“You’re blushing, Victoria.” He hid his smile at her discomfiture, tucked her arm into his and turned her toward home. “While we walk back, you can tell me about your plans for that meadow,” he said.
Ben pretended to listen as she talked about horses and riders but his brain was focused on Victoria. And the way his heart thudded like a locomotive whenever she was near. He liked her a lot, but that wasn’t love.
Was it?
If you loved someone, did you walk away and leave them behind even though everything in you screamed to stay and share whatever the future brought? That’s why he’d stuck with Neil through everything. Wasn’t that why his brother had left Mikey in his care?
Was that why he didn’t want to leave him or Victoria?
Chapter Eleven
“I feel like I’m on a seesaw,” Victoria confessed to Darla after Garnet, Mikey, Ben and Darla’s husband, Terry, had trooped outside to inspect the birthday igloo Ben had created. “One minute I’m bawling like a baby, the next I’m giggling like a fool.”
“If pregnancy was easy—” Her friend paused and chuckled at Victoria’s glowering look. “Okay, I won’t say it. Just know that you’re perfectly normal.”
“Is eating a ton of melon normal, too? Because that’s what I constantly crave.” Just the thought of it made Victoria lick her lips.
“I’ve heard you enjoy melon with ice cream. Spumoni ice cream.” Darla laughed at her surprise. “Terry met Ben in the convenience store in Chokecherry Hollow one evening last week. The poor man was at his wit’s end trying to find spumoni. Ben’s so sweet. How many men would do that?”
“Not many, I’m sure. Not for someone who’s basically a stranger. At least I’m over that phase.” Victoria stirred the hot chocolate then poured it into a carafe, hoping to hide her embarrassment. “Now I prefer bubble gum ice cream.”
“With melon? Ew!” Darla made a face. “Sorry, but I’d have that reaction to any way bubble gum ice cream is served. And stranger, my foot. Ben’s been here almost three months.” She arched her eyebrows. “Terry was very impressed by how nice Ben was about driving into town to find it for you. So am I.”
“Ben is a nice guy,” Victoria agreed. No need to say exactly how nice she found him. “Wait till you see what he got Mikey for his birthday.” She ducked her head as her heart rate took off at the memory of that shameful kiss she’d planted on him.
“You’re blushing, Victoria,” Darla teased then frowned. “You’re crazy about Ben.”
“Shh. The aunties are here. And I’m not crazy. I just like him. Okay, a lot,” Victoria admitted. “Which is stupid of me.”
“What is, dear?” Aunt Tillie appeared in the kitchen and promptly forgot her question as she oohed over the baby. “May I?” she asked with outstretched arms.
“Sure.” Darla handed over her baby daughter. “She loves to be rocked.”
“Then we’re off to sit in the rocker for a while.”
When Aunt Tillie had left, Darla turned to Victoria. “Why is it stupid to like a man—a lot?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Embarrassed to talk about it, Victoria touched her stomach.
“Because you’re pregnant?” Darla frowned. “Why does that preclude liking Ben?”
“Single and pregnant,” Victoria reminded, shrinking inside as she said it. “Not exactly what we talked about when we were in youth group, was it?”
“We didn’t exactly discuss me never finishing nurses’ training either, Vic,” Darla said in a droll tone. “Or about giving up on my first marriage and running back home to lick my wounds. But I did it and I can’t undo it.”
“That’s different.”
“How?” Darla shook her head. “Life happened. We both made choices, though not always good ones.”
“That’s for sure,” Victoria mumbled.
“But we can’t keep beating ourselves up. Everyone makes mistakes, Vic. It’s part of being human, of learning and growing. I don’t know about you but I’m not perfect.” Darla grinned. “So we ask God for forgiveness and get on with trying to do better.”
“That easy?”
“Oh, it’s not easy, pal,” Darla said grimly. “It’s really hard to admit I was so stupid I married a man I knew was an alcoholic because I convinced myself I could help him recover. It’s even harder to admit that somewhere down deep inside I knew before I married him that I couldn’t. Truth is very painful but you have to face it when your world is falling apart.”
“But you loved Randy ever since he and his family moved here when we were in seventh grade,” Victoria mused.
“Yes, I did. I told myself love would be enough to show him the way to God. Instead I got dragged down by his unbelief,” she sighed, her smile sad. “I knew for a long time that it wasn’t going to work, but it took some major events before I could admit that I’d made a mistake, that I’d failed to live up to my dreams.”
“That’s exactly what happened with me, regarding Derek.” Victoria hated remembering how gullible she’d been. “I spent five years believing I loved that man only to realize the Derek I dreamed about was not the man I was in a relationship with. I always knew he had career goals but I thought that he’d change, that I could change him. That a baby would change him.”
“Okay, so we made mistakes. But God forgives us and loves us. He knows we’re human and He for sure knows we make mistakes.” Darla brushed a tear from the corner of her eye. “But thankfully that’s not the end of our story. He not only forgave me, He gave me a rich full life that I could never have imagined when I deliberately chose my way over His.”
“Yes, but—”
“The Bible says that if we ask, God forgives us, Vic. Period. Who are we to question God’s word or beat ourselves up with guilt?” Darla glared at her. “How does guilt help us? Doesn’t it make more sense to accept His forgiveness and start again, trusting Him this time instead of ourselves?”
“I guess.” The aunts had said the same thing, Victoria remembered. They’d also said God knew before she was born that she’d mess up. They’d suggested she reread Psalm 139. Maybe it was time to do that. After the party. “Do you want to go check out the igloo?”
“Yes!” Darla grinned. “That’s why I wore my warmest coat today. Just let me find Tillie.”
“Right here, dear.” The elderly woman stood in the doorway, the sleeping baby cradled in her arms. “I came to get my afghan. You two girls go have some fun. I’d like to hear this old house ring with your laughter again. This little one and I are returning to the rocking chair by the fire, where it’s warm.”
Knowing Aunt Margaret was nearby to help, Victoria and Darla donned warm clothes, picked up the carafe of hot chocolate and stepped outside where they paused to admire the igloo Ben had built.
“Wow! Your guy went all out. What a creation and just look at that backdrop.” Darla gazed at the vista spread out before them.
“He’s not my guy,” Victoria insisted just above a whisper. “Ben’s just a friend.”
“Yes, I know that’s what you said.” Darla’s chuckle faded to a frown. “I just want to say one more thing, Vic, honey. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been proving yourself. I think that’s what’s holding you back from admitting you love Ben and allowing your love to grow.”
“Not sure it’s love—”
“It is.” Darla ignored her glowering look. “Next time you start thinking you’re not worthy, consider this. Does Ben make mistakes? Do you think less of him because he made them? Do you think less of me because of mine?”
“Of course not,” Victoria said, a little shocked by the question.
“Then why do you
imagine we will think less of you for yours?”
Stunned into silence by the question, Victoria finished their walk, contemplating the thoughts Darla’s question had provoked. But the comment about love would have to wait until she was alone.
When they arrived at the igloo, she ducked her head into the entrance and called, “Permission to enter your igloo, birthday boy?”
Mikey and Garnet gallantly ushered them into the structure and showed off the campfire that vented out the igloo’s snow chimney.
“All the modern conveniences, huh?” Funny how she always ended up near Ben, Victoria mused as she sat down on the folded blanket he placed for her and Darla then accepted a steaming cup of the cocoa she’d brought. Her heart did a little dance of happiness. Being near Ben would never get old. “This place is pretty sweet, Mikey. Happy birthday.”
“Thanks.” The boy gazed at Ben with pure adoration. “Unca Ben’s really good at makin’ igloos, right?”
“The best,” she agreed. Then she couldn’t say anything because Ben was gazing at her in a way that made her feel special and cared for and, best of all, pretty. She couldn’t look away, either. Didn’t want to.
But then Darla cleared her throat and that current between her and Ben seemed to snap.
“So what’s the plan, Mikey?” Darla asked in her usual laughing voice. “Are we going to roast some wieners?”
“Yep. Me an’ Unca Ben made special sticks for us to use. An’ we got marshmallows for s’mores, too.” His little face shone with excitement and joy as he glanced at Ben. “I love campfires.”
“And wiener roasts and s’mores and Garnet and…” Victoria tickled the boy until he squealed for mercy. This time, she made sure she didn’t gawk at Ben. And as far as she could tell, he didn’t gawk at her, either. Well, why would he? He’d said she was a good kisser, but he was probably just being nice.
Somewhat chastened by that thought, Victoria munched on her hot dog and let the others do the talking until the campfire had burned down to a few glowing coals.