I go through the motions, the same as every time before, but I’ve never felt so numb. I’ve never been so hopeless.
I make my way into the room and sit down, but I go unnoticed. I’m invisible, and I use this time to watch. Muttered words, twitching feet, raised scars, and frantic eyes assault me, as always. I reach out and remove the marker from his fingers. I slide my hand into his, and only then does he look up and acknowledge me, if only for a brief second. That’s all I get these days.
“Hello, Lucas.”
He removes his hand from my grasp and reaches for the marker. He continues writing figures, drawing symbols, and computing numbers without ever meeting my eyes. I know what he’ll say. It’s the same seven words every time, without fail.
His fingers stop moving, his eyes close, and he whispers, “Are you going to keep your promise?”
Audrey slides her fork into the whipped cream, through the chocolate filling, and stabs into the buttery crust. She slowly chews the bite, moaning and closing her eyes.
“Oh my gosh,” she says, covering her mouth. “I think I just had a piegasm. You’re gonna regret not getting a piece. Seriously, the coconut cream pie looks like heaven. Who knows, I may even steal a bite.” She winks at me and goes in for another bite.
Ruby’s Pie House is as much a part of our weekly ritual as our visits to Lucas. We always make sure to stop in for a slice of heaven on our way back home. Ruby is known statewide for her pies, and I’ve been known to eat two pieces. They are that good. I’m just not feeling it today. My stomach is heavy, and I have a feeling a dose of sugar would only make it churn angrily.
“I’m not very hungry today. Next time,” I say with a tiny smile.
“What in the hell does hungry have to do with it? This shit is pure gluttony.” Audrey chews slowly, watching me like a science experiment, waiting for the inevitable chemical reaction. I’m trying my hardest not to give it to her. “Lucas looked well today. He seems to be improving, don’t you think?”
I press my lips together and give her a quick nod. Audrey is an eternal optimist where Lucas is concerned. Unfortunately, she wears a heavily tinted pair of rose-colored glasses. She sees only what she wants to see.
Her fork clanks onto her plate, and she crosses her arms. “You don’t agree with me.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t.” Before I finish the sentence, she’s shaking her head and rolling her eyes. “I’m sorry, Audrey, but he’s not.”
“He was much calmer today.”
“He spent the entire visit looking over my shoulder. He focused on his hallucinations, not you and me. That’s why he seemed calm. He was distracted.” I hate to argue with Audrey, but sometimes I get tired of pretending.
“He looked clean and well dressed.”
“That’s because it’s Saturday. He agrees to take one shower a week and it happens to be on Friday. We usually visit during the week, so he looks more disheveled.”
I see her irritation rising with every word, but if I have to live in reality, so does she. I’m tired of holding her hand.
“You’ve got an answer for everything, don’t you?”
“No, Audrey, I most certainly don’t. I’m only telling you what I see. And even if you don’t want to hear it, I’m going to tell you what I know.” She pushes her chair away from the table. I grab her hand before she can stand. “Nothing will change without incentive. With no light at the end of the tunnel, he will continue to refuse to cooperate. You need to speak with your parents again.”
Audrey throws her hands in the air. “Yes, that’s exactly what I need to do. Bang my head up against the wall for the hundredth time.”
Lucas’s parents hold all the cards. After his third suicide attempt, a bottle full of prescription pills shoved down his throat, they obtained a judicial commitment that remains in place to this day. Lucas’s refusal to cooperate with his treatment only adds fuel to the fire, and the courts have extended the commitment time after time.
“They can’t continue to bury their heads in the sand while Lucas rots in that hospital,” I whisper forcefully. I squeeze the bridge of my nose in an attempt to push back the headache pulsing behind my eyes. “He needs a gesture, Aud. It doesn’t have to be huge, but he needs something. Maybe a day pass home if he takes his meds and attends therapy sessions for two weeks.”
“It won’t work. They never listen to a word I say. It only makes them dig their feet in deeper.”
She doesn’t see it this way, but watching her cross her arms and shake her head shows me they’re not the only ones who aren’t listening. Maybe it’s time for a different approach.
“Fine,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. “I’ll talk to them. I’ll make the trip tomorrow, and I won’t leave until they hear me out.”
“Have you lost your mind? You can’t do that!”
“What choice do I have?”
Audrey places her hand on the table and leads toward me with pleading eyes. “If you think they’ll listen to a word you say, you’re wrong.” Her eyes fill with tears. “They’ll deny you visitation again, Cece. Sometimes I feel like they’re looking for a reason to do just that. Please don’t give them one. Where do you think Lucas would be then?”
The fear settles in my gut, and I close my eyes. I know she’s right. My relationship with the Landrys is tenuous at best. They tolerate my presence in Lucas’s life, but just barely.
After his suicide attempt that night so long ago, I had no choice but to break my promise to him. I told Mrs. Cindy and Mr. Gene everything, including his first suicide attempt the night of Grams’s funeral. My confessions opened the floodgates to a thousand questions.
How long have you known about this?
Why didn’t you tell anyone?
How could you think you were qualified to handle him?
What else have you kept from us?
I kept looking to Mrs. Cindy, waiting for her to speak up on my behalf and admit I tried to warn her. I felt sure she would defend me or at least show me some understanding.
She never said a word.
That was the day I lost the only parental figures I had left. They blamed me for what happened, and I couldn’t much argue with them. Not only did I make the worst decision of my life, I continued to make it over and over again, day after day. I made the conscious decision to keep Lucas’s secret—it wasn’t a quick decision made in the heat of the moment. It was an irresponsible choice made by a stupid girl, and Lucas paid the ultimate price.
It didn’t take long for the psychiatrists to diagnose Lucas. Chronic paranoid schizophrenia. They used phrases like “severe,” “difficult to treat,” and “poor prognosis.” After all these years, the words still feel like condemnation. Lucas doesn’t deserve this. No one does.
The first time I went to the hospital to see him, I found out the Landrys denied me visitation. Lucas was locked up in this scary hospital, all alone, and I couldn’t have any contact with him.
It would have been kinder to kill me. At least my suffering would end. Those were the darkest days I’d ever faced. Guilt and regret threatened to suffocate me.
I didn’t know it at the time, but Lucas was even worse off than me. Since his admission, he’d refused to eat or speak until he saw me. When his weight loss had hit twenty pounds, they’d finally relented. Now, I’m allowed to visit him weekly with the stipulation that Audrey be present as a chaperone.
It’s the only concession they’ve made in six long years.
So as much as I hate to admit it, Audrey’s right. I can’t bear the thought of losing all contact with him again. I’ve hurt Lucas enough. I have no other options.
Audrey squeezes my hand and gives me a watery smile. “I know you don’t think there was any improvement, but I know he looked better today.”
I know too much to believe Audrey’s words. Can Lucas improve? Absolutely. Without a doubt. I see my patients thrive every day with the proper therapy, medication, and support. But, right now, he is refusing two of
these things, and his family support can be considered misguided, at best. Part of me believes his parents think they are doing what’s best for him. The other part of me believes they are doing what’s best for them, hiding their son away from judgmental eyes.
“Okay, Audrey.” I still don’t agree, but I’m all out of fight today.
“Please, Celia, just have a little faith. He’s going to get better and things will go back to the way they used to be. You’ll see.”
She stands and tosses her purse over her shoulder, signaling it’s time to go. I’m grateful for the distraction, because I’m hoping Audrey can’t see what’s written plainly on my heart.
What would my best friend say if she knew I didn’t want things to go back to the way they used to be?
How would she feel if I told her my feelings for Cain are more potent and consuming than anything I’ve ever felt for Lucas, and I don’t think faded memories are to blame?
Unfortunately, my head knows what my heart can’t accept. If she knew any of this, I would surely lose the only family I have left. A person can only shoulder so much loss in a lifetime—I know this to be an irrevocable fact. Audrey leaving me would tip the scale. I would break from the weight of it.
So I tuck my secret away, safely out of sight. It’s what I do best. It’s all I know.
“A Drop In The Ocean” by Ron Pope
Present Day
I TIP BACK the shot glass in one smooth motion and signal to the bartender to bring me another. The whiskey burns a trail down my throat, searing the remnants of the words I spat in anger. I spent the day stewing on what went wrong with Celia and how things could have been different. But fuck that. Tonight I want to drown. Another glass of amber liquid appears in front of me, and I indulge once again.
“Hey, I thought that was you. My cuz getting wasted alone at a local dive. I’ve got to say, not your usual style, man.” Will shakes his head and claps a hand on my back before climbing on the stool beside me.
“Fuck off, man. I’m not in the mood tonight,” I tell him in a clipped tone, looking straight ahead.
“Dude, no judgment here. Hell, I’ll get liquored up with you. I’m just not used to you drowning your sorrows. You’re the happiest guy I know.” Will chuckles and signals the bartender.
I sigh loudly and run a hand down my face. “Look, I appreciate it, really I do. But this happy guy wants to be left alone. Another day, yeah?”
Will squeezes my shoulder and picks up the beer the bartender left him before standing. “I get your not-so-subtle hint, but if you change your mind,” he says, pointing to a group of overdressed douchebags by the pool tables. “I’m with those assholes over there. If you’re up for it later, we could team up and hustle a few hundred out of their preppy asses. Seriously, they need the lesson, so we’d be doing them a favor.”
“I’ll see ya, Will. Fishing next week, right?”
He nods and waves before turning to rejoin his band of idiots. I tug on the brim of my hat, curving it down and pulling it lower, hoping for anonymity. I deserve to nurse the hole in my chest in peace.
I don’t give a shit what Celia says, nothing about last night was a mistake. She’s happy with me. She’s alive when we’re together. I do that for her. Me—no one else. I know what I feel when she’s in my arms, and it’s mirrored back to me in her eyes.
What I can’t figure out is why a visit from Audrey would change everything. We had an amazing night together, and we woke up to an equally amazing morning, and Audrey wiped it away in an instant. What in the hell could she have against Celia and me? It doesn’t make any sense.
When the bartender places another shot glass in front of me, I don’t hesitate. This time, I hardly feel the burn.
“A little birdie told me I might find you here,” Adam says as he takes a seat beside me.
I turn and shoot daggers at Will, who shrugs apologetically. I give him the one-finger salute.
“Don’t be mad at him. He is worried about you, man.” Adam leans in and sniffs. He turns his head in disgust and waves me off. “And now I see why. Your eyeballs are practically swimming in whiskey. Forget about walking a straight line. I’m pretty fucking sure you can’t walk at all.”
“Good thing I don’t plan on going anywhere.” I spin the empty shot glass on the bar and slam my hand down to stop it. “Go home to your kids, Adam.”
“I’m on my way to do just that. They spent the afternoon with Caroline, so I’m sure they’ll be covered in paint. I’m making a quick pit stop to check on your sorry ass.”
Caroline, the director of New Horizons Outreach Center, has taken quite a liking to Lily and Gage. She babysits almost as much as Celia, and Adam’s lucky to have her. She’s a therapist, just like Celia, but she specializes in art therapy. She’s always cooking up the coolest projects for Lily and Gage.
“You can count on that. Be ready to hose them down outside.” I lower my head and avoid his stare. “You came to say ‘I told you so,’ man?”
“You know that’s not me. What about you? You gonna give me shit about blowing things up with Sara?”
Ah, that’s right, I forgot. While swimming in my own pity pool, I forgot about Adam’s relationship implosion. Evidently, the separation between church and state came crashing down around him, and he didn’t take it well. Sara agreed to babysit the twins for Celia when something came up, and Adam went ballistic. I’m not sure how he’s going to fix this one.
“Of course I won’t.” I angle away from Adam and shake my head. “You know what the worst part of it is? I didn’t fuck up. I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. Honestly, I don’t even have a clue what happened today. All I know is that I was dismissed. ‘Goodbye, Cain. See ya. Thanks for fucking playing.’ It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Look, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but I found out something today that may shed some light on things.” He grabs the back of his neck and shakes his head. “It’s kind of fucked up.”
I stare at him expectantly, and he hesitates. “Speak, dude. What the hell?”
“Damn, all right. So Audrey showed up at Celia’s house this morning, right?”
“Uh, no shit, Sherlock. I was there, remember?”
“Just give me a second. I have a point, I swear.” I nod and shut my mouth. I don’t want to miss a second of this. “So she storms out of the house and walks over to my house. I guess she was waiting for you to leave, because she went back to Celia’s when you drove away. Anyway, she said something to me. Something I never caught on to before.”
Adam gets quiet again, and I exhale a frustrating groan. “Seriously, what?”
“She was muttering under her breath, but I caught most of it. I heard her say ‘Celia loves my brother, and that’s never going to change.’ Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
I lean back onto the barstool and cross my arms. “Are you shitting me? The guy from Celia’s past is Audrey’s brother?”
“Yep.” Adam smiles proudly, seemingly impressed with his investigative skills.
I don’t even know what to make of this realization. I know Audrey and Celia are best friends, and have been since childhood, but I’ve never heard either of them ever mention a brother. It definitely explains Audrey’s reaction today.
“So Audrey expects her to remain stuck in the past for the rest of her life? She’s never allowed to move on? That doesn’t make any sense. Something doesn’t add up.”
Adam shrugs. “I haven’t figured that part out yet.”
“Maybe we were wrong from the get-go. Maybe the guy really is off at college, or in the military, or something. Maybe he is coming home after all.”
The thought makes the whiskey in my stomach boil and churn. Was I a fun, temporary distraction?
“I don’t think so,” Adam replies, his hands held up in surrender when I start to argue. “Hear me out, man. Have you ever heard a word, even an inkling of a long distance boyfriend? Between the two of us, with as much time as we spe
nd with her, we’d have heard something. A missed phone call, a letter, a visit home … something.”
“I hope you’re right. God, that sounds so wrong, like I hope the guy’s dead. I don’t mean it that way. Hell, I don’t know what I mean.”
The bartender circles back, and I have the good sense to wave him off this time. I should have turned away the last couple of shots, but better late than never, right? I need to get a clear head and try to make sense of everything Adam just told me.
“So what’s the plan? How are you gonna fix it?” Adam asks.
“A plan? You got a plan to win Sara back, Casanova?”
“I always have a plan,” he says with a smirk, but it fades quickly. His lips turn down and he shakes his head. He knows he messed up, that’s for sure. “I’m gonna win her back. I have to.”
I hit him with a couple of man slaps on the back. “Yeah, you will. Better get some thick knee pads, though.”
He chuckles. “I’m not above groveling. I know I fucked up, but I’m gonna fix it. You want my advice?”
“It can’t hurt,” I say with a shrug.
“Make her miss you. She’ll realize her mistake.” I nod, hoping he’s right. At least it’s a start. “Now let’s go. I’m driving your drunk ass home.”
As we drive through Providence, my vision is blurry, and my thoughts are jumbled. But one thing stands out above all the rest. Adam’s right; I need to make Celia miss me. The bitch of it is, I’m gonna miss the hell out of her, too.
“I’d Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About” by Mayday Parade
Present Day
“WAKE UP MAN, he’s gone,” I laugh as I slap Will’s cheek.
My cousin lays passed out cold on my grandparents’ couch, spit dried on his cheek and hair plastered to his greasy forehead. He groans softly and runs a hand over his face.
Storms Over Secrets Page 17