“Girly, who names a dog Myrtle? That’s an old lady name if I’ve ever heard one,” Sarge says.
Celia smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She looks at me, and whispers, “She was an old soul.”
Memories of the last time she whispered those words slam right into my chest—a time when I could hold her … kiss her … feel everything that is Celia. My chest fills with the withered hope of falling for a heart that isn’t whole.
She breaks eye contact a moment later and focuses on Sarge. “So what if we make my weekly visit all about storytelling? We’ll each share our stories, and we can ask Granny to help if you get stuck. But each week, I’ll write them down for you so you can look back and read about all the wonderful moments. What do you say?”
Sarge gulps, swallowing a ball of emotion, and turns to me with a look of resolve.
“That’s a helluva woman, right there, son.”
I nod once and meet her blue eyes head on. “You’ve got that right, old man.”
He slaps both hands on his knees and stands. After a few steps toward the trucks, he turns and levels us with an impatient glare. “Come on you two, get the lead out your ass! Granny’s waiting.”
He sounds like his old, ornery self again, and I couldn’t be happier.
“Little Lion Man” by Mumford & Sons
Present Day
“PUT ON THIS frilly fucking dress and walk your pretty little ass next door before I get out my cattle prod,” Marlo orders with a popped hip and pursed lips.
“You own a cattle prod?” I deadpan.
I’m perfectly comfortable lying on the couch in my yoga pants, shoving chips down my gullet. Who needs to attend the party from hell? Not me, that’s for sure. I’ll call Alex and West and bid my farewells.
“I don’t have a cattle prod, but I do own a stun gun. I’m sure it will serve as a stellar replacement.” She crosses her arms. “You cannot hide from them. I won’t allow it.”
“How about I just hide from you,” I mutter.
Marlo huffs and pushes my feet out of her way before falling onto the couch beside me. “Take it from someone who is all too familiar with hiding. The box you’re building is smaller than you think, trust me on that one. It’s suffocating, and I don’t want that life for you. So I’m taking matters into my own hands. I apologize ahead of time.”
Her grabby hands wrap around the bottom of my tank top and rip it over my head. She fists the bottom of my yoga pants and pulls with an amazing amount of strength. One hand covers my boobs while the other clutches my panties to keep them from following my yoga pants down my legs.
I growl in frustration. “You are freakishly strong, woman.”
Once she shoves my dress over my head and crams my feet into high heels, she places both hands on my knees as she leans in with a slightly sadistic smile. “The rest can go one of two ways. You can put on a little makeup and jewelry and we’ll be on our way. Or I can hold you down and paint your face, hoping you resemble Faye Dunaway instead of Tammy Faye when I’m done. The choice is yours.”
I lean in and meet her, nose to nose. “You secretly hope I choose option two.”
“You bet your ass, I do.” She grins without apology.
I shove her to the side with a huff, appreciating her concern and cursing her tactics equally. No amount of makeup can hide my jealousy. Seeing Kimberly and Cain cozying up together is up there with a Brazilian wax on the “Things I Want to Do” list … so not at all.
“Out of my way, you tacky tyrant. I prefer perfect lip gloss when my heart gets ripped out of my chest … and I need just the right amount of dusting powder, too.” I stomp to the bathroom as Marlo chuckles behind me.
“By all means, this occasion definitely calls for a little fairy dust,” Marlo laughs.
“Where are my tiny rugrats? I want to tell Gage my newest joke,” Cain booms as he walks in to the kitchen.
“Oh no. Not after what happened with your last joke. Gage doesn’t need any more teacher’s notes sent home,” Sara scolds, one hand on her hip and the other pointing a spatula at Cain. “Besides, Caroline picked them up for a slumber party about an hour ago.”
He scoops her up into a bear hug and smacks a kiss on her cheek. “Looking good, Sara. Engagement agrees with you. I knew you were a keeper. Adam, on the other hand, I’m still on the fence about that fucker.”
Everyone laughs at Cain’s barb—well, almost everyone. Kimberly stands at the kitchen entrance, arms crossed and her face screwed up like she sucked on a lemon.
Yeah, this is going to be fun.
Cain moves on to Alex for more hugs and cheek kisses. “All packed up, girl?” he asks with a smile.
Alex wraps an arm around his waist and squeezes. “All set. New York in the morning.” She smiles and looks out the kitchen window onto the patio, where West and Adam are drinking their beers. “I can’t wait to show him all of my favorite places from when I was in school. I can’t erase the years we spent apart, but I feel like this is the next best thing, ya know?”
The women let out a collective sigh. As the room oohs and ahs over honeymoon plans and Sara’s preliminary wedding plans, my eyes refuse to veer from Cain. Worn jeans slung low and sunglasses set on top of his curly blond hair, he looks every bit the man who stole my heart in a fig field.
He stretches his hand out to Kimberly and smiles. “Join me out on the porch, babe?”
She places her hand in his and smirks, her eyes darting to me for only a second. Unbridled jealousy creeps up my spine like a deadly virus. I know all of this is my own doing, but my emotions don’t understand the logic. When it comes to the heart, love bows to logic every time. I’m filled to the brim with longing and regret. No, there’s no room for reason.
Marlo, Audrey, Alex, Sara, and I spend the evening huddled at the kitchen island, deep in wedding talk, honeymoon excitement, and even a bit of baby talk. Sara and Alex both are eager to add a baby carriage to the mix.
“I promise, I’ll make sure you both rock your delivery, you know that. But once I get that baby out of your vajayjay, I’m out. I’ll leave the babysitting duties to Celia, Audrey, and Caroline.” Marlo presses her lips together and shakes her head. “I don’t do babies. They freak me the fuck out.”
Alex throws her head back in laughter. “Well, get ready, Marlo. I’m a woman on a mission. I’m determined to make a honeymoon baby.”
“Hah, you want to talk about determination? My patient last night was a lesbian who got pregnant with a Monistat syringe and sperm she bought from Mexico. Now, that’s ingenuity,” Marlo says with a nod of her head. We all stare at her, slack jawed and speechless. “What? What did I say?”
“Please excuse the nursing talk. Sometimes, we forget how off-putting our commentary can be,” Sara explains, giving Marlo a pointed look. “That applies to Marlo even more than most.”
Marlo shrugs as Cain enters the kitchen. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em, my dear. And speaking of calling things like I see them,” Marlo says as she cranes her neck behind Cain, making sure Kimberly didn’t follow. “It’s time for you to take out the trash, my giant friend.”
Sara, ever the diplomat, clears her throat. “Do you need another beer, Cain?”
His eyes never leave Marlo, and the chill factor in the room drops to the point of uncomfortable. “Maybe if you gave her a chance, instead of ostracizing her, you might find she’s a nicer person than you think. You’d be surprised what you find when you give people a fucking chance, Marlo.”
The room is bathed in silence, but Marlo’s oblivious to the tone shift. She rolls her eyes and cocks her head.
“Honestly, I can’t get past her sour face to find out. What’s up with people who look like they smell dog shit all the time? I just don’t get it,” Marlo asks with a shrug.
A snicker releases from my lips, and I slap my hand over my mouth and cough in a futile effort to mask it. Cain turns and levels me with his eyes. It’s a look I’ve never seen from him before, and it so
bers me.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Really, Celia?” Cain’s tone is low and menacing, and my name sounds like poison on his lips.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking away.
“You’re sorry? I don’t know why I’m surprised. Aren’t you always?” He shakes his head, looking exasperated with me. “I get that Kimberly has her faults, but she’s never drawn me in, time after time, only to push me away. She’s never given me the world, only to rip it away from me the next day. And, she would never, not fucking ever, tell me to stop loving her!” His voice booms through the air and ricochets through my heart, leaving rips and tears along the way. Cain inhales a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I think I’m done for today. I’ve had about all I can stand,” he says in a low voice, then turns on his foot and walks back to the patio.
When the door slams behind him, five pairs of questioning eyes land on me. My trembling hands grip the island as I stand, my breaths ragged and my eyes filling with inevitable tears.
“Excuse me, please,” I whisper, before turning away and running to the bathroom.
The floodgates open when the lock clicks in place, and I cover my mouth to muffle the sound. I struggle for control, knowing I can’t walk out of this bathroom until I get a hold on myself.
Hearing my friends gush about weddings, honeymoons, and babies takes its toll on my emotions. I want those things for them, and I’m so happy to be a part of their celebration, but what about me? I’m just so tired … so fucking tired of being the sad girl. When is it my turn to be happy? And why in the hell do I feel like I need permission?
Brewing anger at my impossible situation steels my determination and eventually dries my tears. I clean up as best I can, and make a plan to grab my purse and hightail it home as quick as freaking possible. When I open the bathroom door, collagen lips and pointy tits assault my vision.
Kimberly eyes me with a bored expression and rolls her eyes. “I see the way you look at him, you know? We both do.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I whisper, trying to move around her, but she blocks the hallway.
“We’ve laughed about how fucking pathetic you are. You see, Cain and I have something that you can’t compete with. We have history, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I suggest you cut your losses and move the fuck on.” She raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms in challenge.
“I need you to move the fuck out of my way. We’re done here,” I say, my restraint in serious jeopardy.
She moves even closer, her minty breath curling my gut and her sweet perfume stinging my nose. “You’re absolutely right. You are done.”
“Kimberly, enough! It’s time to go,” Cain says, and we both jump at the sound of his voice.
His expression gives nothing away. I wonder how much of our conversation he overheard, or if it would even matter to him. And maybe Kimberly’s right. Maybe I am done as far as he’s concerned. After the way I treated him, I deserve to be dismissed from his life.
With the blink of an eye, Kimberly’s demeanor changes, and a shiver runs up my spine. The menacing girl from five seconds ago vanishes, replaced with an easy smile and loving eyes.
“Sure thing, babe. I’m ready to get you home,” she coos while sidling past him and running a finger along his chest.
Cain’s eyes linger on me, and I can’t look away. Love and pain war within me. Is there any truth to Kimberly’s words? Does he really make fun of me?
The moment is over as quick as it began, and he leaves me standing alone in the hallway. I wait until I hear the truck engine turn before making my way into the kitchen to say my goodbyes.
I slam Adam’s front door and hurry down the porch steps. I can’t get across the yard and into my house fast enough for my liking. Alex, Sara, and Marlo’s looks told me it wouldn’t be long before the questions started. Audrey’s face said something else entirely, and it’s even less welcome than the girls’ curiosity.
I hear the door slam and the sound of footsteps behind me. I don’t need to turn around to know who it is.
“Not now, Audrey,” I say over my shoulder.
“You lied to me,” she accuses.
“Oh God, Audrey, what? What did I lie about?” I keep walking, hoping she’ll take my not so subtle hint.
“Celia, stop!” She grabs my shoulder and forces me to turn around. “You told me it was just a fling. What I just witnessed was a helluva lot more than a fling, if you ask me.”
I exhale a ragged breath and resign myself to this conversation. Honestly, I’m resisting the urge to tell her it’s none of her goddamn business.
“What difference does it make anymore, Audrey? It’s over between us. He’s with Kimberly now.”
“It makes a big difference to me. You’re supposed to be with my brother, Celia. I mean, enough is enough!” She throws her hands in the air, exasperated.
I nod my head slowly, methodically, as I carefully craft my reply. “I couldn’t agree more. Enough is enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?’
“When is it over, Audrey? How long is my punishment? Is this a life sentence I’m serving, or do I get time off for good behavior?”
She jerks back, obviously taken off guard. “I didn’t realize Lucas was a punishment to you. I was under the assumption that you loved my brother,” she accuses, fuming.
“You know I love Lucas. But loving someone and being in love are two very different things. And have you ever wondered how Lucas feels about me?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Do you know how long it’s been since Lucas has kissed me? Hugged me? Told me he loves me? Years, Audrey. Fucking years! He’s no more in love with me than I am with him. How long can a person exist without touch … or affection of any kind?” I press my lips together and seethe with anger.
“I didn’t know…” Audrey whispers, looking more lost than she should. It makes me wonder how closely she paid attention all these years.
“You didn’t want to know!”
Her eyes flame at my accusation, my words putting her on the defensive. “Don’t make me out to the be the bad guy in all of this. I’m not the one who kept everyone in the dark. I didn’t hide his illness from everyone who loves him until he slit his fucking wrists!”
“And you’ll never let me forget it, will you?” I whisper with a finger pointed at her chest. There it is, the ugly truth, laid out in the open. When push comes to shove, she blames me, just like her parents. “I was seventeen fucking years old, Audrey. Does that one decision have to dictate the rest of my life? I will always regret the part I played, but I’m not the villain either. I didn’t give him schizophrenia, but I sure as hell have dedicated my life to helping him. But you don’t see that, do you? I’ll always be the girl who helped your brother attempt suicide.”
“Of course not, Celia! Look, I’m sorry for what I said—I’m just angry and confused by all of this. You’re my best friend. I love you like a sister, and I don’t understand where all of this is coming from. In my mind, it’s always been you and Lucas, and I don’t know, I don’t know what to say,” Audrey cries.
“There’s nothing left to say. Cain’s moved on with his life, so none of this even matters. He’s with Kimberly now, and I lost my chance. I can’t turn back the clock and love him the way he deserves, but I’ll be damned if I feel guilty when I think about him. Being with him made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years. God, I could finally breathe, and laugh, and smile until my face hurt. Memories are all I have left, and I won’t let you ruin them.” I turn on my heel and keep walking to my house, craving the solitude for once.
“Celia, wait—” she cries out.
I shake my head and raise my arm to stop her. “Don’t, Audrey, just don’t. I want to be left alone.”
I slam my front door and inhale a breath so large, my lungs ache at the pressure. I blow out and suck in again with a smile. There are no tears toni
ght. Because, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel free from the lies … the regret … the chains.
“Who I Wanted To Be” by Erick Baker
Present Day
“I’LL WALK YOU to your door,” I say robotically, leg shaking and eyes trained on the front windshield.
I cringe as she brings a single finger to my shoulder and trails it down my arm. “If you come inside, I promise I’ll make it worth your while,” Kimberly whispers, her tone laced with seduction and cheap innuendo.
The grating quality of her voice is unbearable. She’s a shrill dog whistle, and I’m a goddamn bloodhound. How the fuck did I listen to her for this long?
“Not gonna happen.” I give a slight shake of my head and remain facing forward.
She expels a loud huff with an unattractive whine attached to the end of it, and I can see her arms flailing in exasperation in my periphery. “Well, let’s hear it. This should be interesting. What’s the excuse this time? Have to be up early for church? Are you on the rag? Is your vagina broken, Cain?”
I shift my body to face her. “I suggest you tread lightly on the manhood jabs, woman. You don’t want to tussle with me.” I stare her down, and she presses her lips together tightly. Smart girl. “I don’t have an excuse. I just don’t want to fuck you. Is that clear and simple enough for you? It’s never gonna happen. You and me? Not. Gonna. Fucking. Happen.”
Her eyes widen in disbelief, and she wraps her arms tightly around her waist. “What the hell is wrong with you, Cain?”
Now it’s my turn to look incredulous. “Really, Kimberly? Are you going to sit here and act innocent?” I grip the steering wheel with whitened knuckles and a disgusted sneer. “I heard every single word you said in that hallway. I didn’t miss a syllable of your viciousness, so don’t play dumb with me.”
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