by Dianne Drake
“That’s what you want? Your own little cottage?”
“It’s a good opportunity.” And he wasn’t asking her to stay. Somewhere in her plan for this conversation, she’d envisioned the version where he’d pulled her into his arms and asked her to stay. “Good salary, wonderful climate.”
“Oh, so you want a little cottage and a nice climate?” Words spoken harshly.
“What I want, Eric, is a life. In case you haven’t noticed, the one I’m living right now is pretty much bits and pieces of other people’s lives. I work a hospital shift here and there at your pleasure, cook at my sister’s pleasure. The only thing I do that could be remotely construed as my own life is what I do with Paige and Pippa. So if a little cottage and a nice climate are what it takes to get me closer to having a life of my own, that’s what I’m going to do.” Even if it broke her heart.
“And what happens to Paige and Pippa when you leave?” he asked, his anger rippling even closer to the surface. “What happens when they come to look forward to ladies’ day out, and you’re gone?”
“Then you can have a daddy day with them every week. So long as you do little-girl things with them. Because they need that, Eric. I mean, you should have seen them at high tea with their hats and pretty dresses, having so much fun.”
“I don’t do high tea.”
Unequivocal, flat response. He didn’t intend on budging one inch in his position. “Or pink shoelaces?” she asked, bending down over the desk so he couldn’t ignore her the way he was trying hard to do. “Because they are little girls who need little-girls things like pink shoelaces.”
He cleared his throat. Pushed back in his chair, pushed his chair back. “If they want pink, I can buy them pink.”
Well, his intent was clear, and she had no place in it. Any delusions of staying had been wiped away now. He’d had his opening, his chance to ask her to stay. Even a hint at wanting her to stay…for him…would have been enough. But he was hiding behind Paige and Pippa now. Which meant Eric considered her, and what they’d done, a mistake. He didn’t want to deal with her. She made him nervous. Reminded him of things he didn’t want to be reminded of, things he didn’t want to leave behind. And there was no way to fight it. Not that she would. Eric had every right to his feelings.
And she had every right to hers. Well, at least now she knew. This was probably for the best, she decided. What had happened with Eric…she’d never done anything like that before. Never just jumped into anything so quickly, so intimately and spontaneously as she had with him. But what was the point of getting involved only up to a point? Which was what their involvement would have been—only up to a point. So it was good she knew. The best thing. She understood Eric’s regrets, his confusion. Yet, still, she’d hoped…
But it hurt. She wouldn’t deny it. Knowing came with a fair sting to it.
“Look, do you still want me working my shift? Like I said, I’ve agreed to keep working here until you can find someone to replace me,” Dinah said, struggling to keep the wilting emotion from her voice. “But if you’d rather not keep me around…”
“Why wouldn’t I want you working your shift? And where the hell did you ever get the idea I didn’t want you working here anymore?”
“Well, for starters, what happened that night in the woods…”
He backed away from her even more. “Has nothing to do with you being here.”
“Sure, it does. I mean, look at you now. You can barely be in the same room with me. How can that make for a good working relationship, even if it’s only for a few more days, until you replace me?”
He dropped his head back on his chair, drew in a deep breath, and shut his eyes. “Damn,” he muttered, nearly under his breath. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“But you don’t want me staying, either, do you?”
“I don’t know what I want. But it’s not about you, Dinah.” He opened his eyes. “And I’m sorry that’s the way it seems. I’m just…”
“Look, let me make this easy for you, OK? I’ll leave then you don’t have to deal with…me. I know it’s not easy for you, Eric.” She glanced at the picture of Patricia on his desk. Beautiful woman. Bright eyes, warm smile. The woman Eric loved. “I understand that, and I don’t want to make things more difficult for you.”
“Costa Rica makes them more difficult for me.”
“But Costa Rica makes things easier for me. I get…involved, Eric. I can’t help myself. That’s just me, though. I can’t detach myself, put the various aspects of my life into individual compartments the way you seem to do. It would be good if I could, because I wouldn’t end up doing so many dumb things, like falling for the wrong man.”
“Falling for the wrong man?”
“You know that’s my history. I haven’t kept any secrets about that.”
“So when you say falling, what, exactly, do you mean?”
“You know, falling…spending time with, enjoying the company of, wanting more time with.” Making love with more than one night. “That’s all.” No mention of love intended.
“Look, Dinah, I know we haven’t had much time to ourselves, but—”
“No time to ourselves, Eric? No time?” That was his choice, and maybe it was a good choice since she’d gone and done it again—fallen for the wrong man, love possibly intended. “But that’s fine. I’ll stay out of your way while I’m still here, and in another week or so, you won’t even have to worry about that.” She glanced at Patricia’s picture again and thought about Eric. Maybe someday, someone would have that same kind of enduring love for her.
“Stay out of my way? Where did you ever get the idea that I want you to stay out of my way?” He pushed himself from his desk chair, and started to round the desk, but this time Dinah was the one who backed away from him.
“That’s what you’ve been doing, isn’t it? And I understand, Eric. I totally understand.”
“Good, then maybe you can explain it to me because it’s driving me crazy. I mean, all I can think about is that night in the woods, and when I let those thoughts distract me, I might as well hang up the white coat because I’m no good to anyone. Which isn’t what my patients need from me. If anything, my preference would be to have you in my way as much as I can.”
“I distract you?” she asked, still backing away as he came toward her. Backing, but in smaller steps now as his steps toward her grew larger.
“What did you think? That I’d make love to you once, and that was it?”
“Maybe. Since that’s the way it was, and you’ve barely even spoken to me since.” Her back to the wall next to his office door, she had two choices. Stay where she was, pressed into the bookshelf on her right, or scoot to the left and slip out into the hall. “I don’t make good decisions, Eric. I’ve told you…”
“And you don’t think I’m a good decision?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
He clicked the lock on the door. “It’s not what I expected, Dinah. None of it is and I’m trying to sort things out. Trying to let go, and hang on, and change and adjust. And that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. The only reason.” In the next instant she was locked in his embrace, their lips together. Urgent. Hungry. His fingers pressing down the sides of her spine better than the feel of any fingers on her, ever.
She arched against him, felt the hard outline of his erection on her pelvis and rocked herself into it. Craving it. Craving him, as his hands moved forward, pulled up the green cotton scrub top she was wearing and sought her breasts. Even through the thin silk of her bra, the feel of his hands cupping her, exploring her made her want more, lust for more. Give more of herself to him.
Eric groaned as her tongue sought his, sucked his, and he groaned even louder while she yanked his scrub shirt loose from his pants and ran her hands over his belly, up his chest, twining her fingers in the mat of soft chest hair, flicking his nipple, squeezing, teasing… It was only when her fingers returned to his belly and were frantically engaged i
n untying the drawstring to his scrub pants that she caught herself. “We should probably get a room if we want to do this,” she said, her voice so rough with want she didn’t recognize it.
Her words were the bucket of cold water they needed, because Eric stepped back, shuddered, ran his hand through his hair then let out a final groan. “You make me want to do things I’ve never done,” he admitted.
“Is that good?” Her immediate fear was that he felt conflicted, or guilty. It was always the big wall between them. The thing she always feared. And she couldn’t argue or compete with that. “Or bad?”
A smile crept to his face. A deliciously sexy smile on his lips that eventually spread to his eyes. “Very good.” He opened his arms to her, and she practically fell into them. “I’m not sure what we’re going to do, at least in the long term, and I’m positive of what we’d do in the short term if we let ourselves. Which leaves us in between, doesn’t it?”
“In between isn’t bad,” she said. In fact, it felt very good. Everything she’d hoped for. Of course, she didn’t hope in the long term, which was what made the in between what it was. Perfect, for now. “Is it?”
Eric didn’t answer, though. He merely sighed, and held her. This time very tenderly.
Tender was nice. She liked tender. In fact, this was the first time anyone had ever held her this way, and she was discovering it was the way she’d like to be held forever.
Forever, and only by Eric.
Which meant… No! It couldn’t mean that, could it?
She’d been gone thirty minutes, and he still wasn’t sure he could leave his office. Just thinking about her made him weak. Got him aroused. Plunged him into the throes of a conflict like he’d never imagined could exist.
But she was short term here in White Elk. That’s what she kept saying, and that’s what he had to fix on. If he trusted his whole heart to her, could he trust her to stay? She was always so close to running, and he needed stability in his life. The problem was, Dinah didn’t think she had stability in her. She did, of course. It was obvious to anyone who looked on. But she fought so hard against it and, truly, he couldn’t bring that kind of conflict into his girls’ lives. They loved Dinah, and would love her more and more as days turned into weeks, turned into months. She wouldn’t hurt them intentionally, he knew that. But the big what if still haunted him. What if she did leave? What if he couldn’t move forward enough in his life to keep her here?
Moving on… Glancing at the picture of Patricia he still kept on his desk, he smiled wistfully. She’d been important for so long. Maybe longer than had been good for him. He’d taken off the ring, but it was finally time to take off the marriage. Because he wasn’t married, and to move forward meant he had to free himself. That was the first step…anything else wasn’t being fair to Dinah. And anything else made him feel guilty, made him feel disloyal…to Dinah. So he had to move on, or maybe move away from. He wasn’t sure which. “And I wish you were here to tell me,” he said, picking up the picture.
He studied his wife’s face. Beautiful. Angelic. Everything he’d loved. But so long ago, and for the first time in all these years he felt the distance. That’s what he’d always feared the most, but somehow it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it would be. Because of Dinah. She was filling that gap. “I’m lonely, Patricia. I need…I need everything again. And I’m at a point in my life when I want it. I’m ready to start over.” A lump came to his throat. “Her name is Dinah…Dinah Corday. She’s so…so different from the things I thought I had to have in a woman. But she fits. I’m not sure why, and I’m not even sure she wants to, but these are my first steps, and I’m stumbling because I don’t want to lose you…never wanted to lose you. Yet I can’t hang on any longer. But even after I took off the wedding ring I still held on because I didn’t know if I could move on.
“She’s good with the girls, Patricia. She loves them, and they love her. And you’d love her for the way she loves our daughters. This isn’t easy for me, though. Until now I’ve been in limbo because I didn’t want to let go, didn’t want anything different from what we wanted, but…” He kissed the picture, as he did every day, and sat it back on his desk. As he continued looking at it, though, the image of Dinah’s face was beginning to cloud his vision.
After another long moment he picked up Patricia’s gold-framed photo, hugged it to his chest, kissed it one final time and laid it gently, face down, in his bottom desk drawer. Then he picked up his phone and dialed.
“Janice, I need a favor. There’s something I want you to pick up for me at the hospital. It’s in the desk drawer. Take it home, put it away for the girls…”
Afterwards, it wasn’t a good feeling settling over him. Wasn’t a bad one either. More like it was a necessary feeling. One that had been a long time coming. Because of Dinah.
“Dinah…” He whispered the name as he settled back in his chair, shut his eyes and conjured up her image. So now what was he going to do about Dinah?
CHAPTER NINE
DINAH’S shift at the hospital went quite smoothly. She treated stomachaches, sprains, earache, and a mysterious rash that turned out to be a berry stain. Eric stayed in Emergency as doctor on duty, and every now and then, out of the corner of her eye, she caught him staring at her.
No staring back, though. She was a complete, total mess. Maybe in love. Maybe not. Maybe leaving White Elk. Maybe not. Maybe, maybe, maybe! That was the sum total of her life up until now, and she was only just beginning to see it for what it was. Patterns repeating themselves, over and over. Patterns she ordained because she didn’t believe she could get past them. Who knew? This could have been what her subconscious was telling her she deserved, and maybe that’s why she simply couldn’t let herself go yet again.
Because I…I hide behind excuses. She made mistakes. She was too emotional. She didn’t trust. Eric wasn’t over his wife. But…they were excuses, and everybody could invent excuses for almost anything they wanted to avoid. And she wanted to avoid… Dear God, it was so simple. I’m scared of being hurt again. Her father, her husband, Charles, Molly…Every time she loved, she got hurt. Which was why she was ready to run…because she wanted to avoid the inevitable. To give her heart away, then to have it broken every time…
But Eric wouldn’t hurt her. Not intentionally, anyway. Still, his attachment to Patricia… If she forced him to move past that, he would eventually come to resent her. But if he couldn’t get past that, their relationship would never be totally theirs.
“Eric, we need to talk,” she said, catching up to him in the lobby as the shift ended. She had exactly four hours to sleep then she had to get up and start meal prep at the lodge. But she could make do with three and a half hours of sleep, she felt so strongly about this. They needed to talk. Needed to work this out now, or walk away from each other before they were both hurt too badly. And the one thing she never wanted to do was hurt Eric.
“Sorry, but I’m on my way up to the resort on the middle Sister. They’ve had an outbreak of food poisoning, and I need to go inspect the kitchen and tend a few patients there. If you’d care to go along…”
So much for good intentions. Dinah declined with a shake of her head. “Don’t have time. I’ve got to be on duty to cook in a little while. But make sure you check the walk-in fridge. In most professional kitchens there’s always something lurking in there that should have been thrown out a month ago.”
“Wish you’d go with me,” he said. “I could make you my unofficial assistant health inspector. But since you can’t, can we do this another time?”
She was disappointed, but she understood. His duty as a doctor called, and her duty as a chef wasn’t too far behind. “Tomorrow, then?”
“Dinner tonight? I could come to the lodge…”
She shook her head. “I have a dinner meeting to serve. A hundred businessmen coming to eat, drink and be merry. And they have a huge menu ordered.”
“So they probably wouldn’t notice one more if I jus
t showed up.”
She laughed. “They wouldn’t, but I would. And I don’t need the distraction.”
“You’re saying I would distract you?”
He took a step closer to her, his eyes full of that familiar devilish glint, which caused Dinah to back up a step. “I’m saying that something might, and it could be you.” Mercy, why did everything that happened between them have to sizzle so? Because she was positively hot, and in more ways than she knew she could be. And all from such an innocent little suggestion!
“Well, then, I wouldn’t want to come between a hundred hungry men and their food, would I?” Grinning, he took another step closer. “Or would I?”
“Only if you’re the one who gets to explain why their risotto is dry.”
“Nothing worse than dry risotto, I always say. Tomorrow, then? I have an appointment in the morning to look at a house, and a woman’s opinion would be nice.” Advancing yet another step, he got close enough to her to bend low and whisper, “Especially when you’re the woman.” Then he gave her a quick kiss on the neck, and straightened up.
Dinah glanced around to see if anybody had noticed, and when she saw that the only eyes staring at her where those of a gold and white koi swimming in the lobby aquarium, she breathed a sigh of relief. Having this…this whatever it was with Eric in private was one thing. But she didn’t want it going public, didn’t want people knowing or speculating. That turned it into something it wasn’t. Put her in a position she didn’t want to be in. Or didn’t want to admit to herself that she wanted to be in.
“Did I embarrass you?” he asked, chuckling at her reaction.
“No.” Big lie, and Eric realized that, because he was already stepping away from her, a wide grin smeared across his face in his retreat. She did want him to retreat, of course, but part of her didn’t want it at all. “Well, maybe a little.”