She barely made it to a different room before her body erupted and she spewed the little bit of food she had eaten all over the floor. Servants fell upon her almost immediately.
“Highness, forgive us!” They cleaned her and the floor as best they could.
Nakia groaned. “It’s not your fault.”
This is the price. It had to be worth it. They saved thousands of lives, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to break down in tears. She wanted to throw herself in Ashni’s arms and beg her to make everything better, yet Ashni still wasn’t in any shape to take on her brothers. Jay and Asad were deadly. Ashni wasn’t ready for deadly.
One servant rubbed her back, trying to soothe her. It wouldn’t work. Only one thing would ease her ache. “The medicine doesn’t work with them.”
Tears stung Nakia’s eyes. Every single time she was with Asad, her servants made sure that after, she took a potion to prevent pregnancy. It was usually very effective. She and Saniyah weren’t so fortunate. Even potions prepared by Samar did nothing. It was like the gods were on the brothers’ side. The gods were often cruel.
“Highness, please don’t cry.”
Nakia didn’t realize she was weeping until she saw the droplets splash on the floor. It hurt so much that it overflowed. Pull it together, damn it. Do you think Ashni is fucking crying over what happened to her? A dark chuckle rippled inside of her mind. You’re not Ashni and you’re not divine. You’ve got nothing working for you.
Nakia took a deep breath. No, she had things working for her. She was about to completely flank the brothers and win this whole thing. She had nobles on her side and the military. All she needed was for Layla’s people to be safe. There were sacrifices she needed to deal with, like Saniyah. Saniyah wasn’t crying. So, suck it up and carry on.
Sniffling, she wiped her face. There were people who would have much worse than she did if she didn’t keep it together. Taking several deep breaths, she managed to calm her nerves. Her stomach, however, felt like it was wringing itself out.
“We can try other items, Highness.”
Nakia shook her head. “Samar made the last few. And before her, the royal physician. The gods seem determined for me to carry the spawn of a demon.”
Why, though? What have I done? She couldn’t understand why she’d be punished this way. She’d take the beatings. Cuts would mend and bones would heal. A child was forever. She’d have to take care of the child of a man who had forced himself on her countless times, violated her because it was fun. She’d have to look at his child for the rest of her life and live with it. And knowing Ashni…Ashni would accept and love this fucking abomination.
A servant clutched her biceps. “No, Highness, you mustn’t look at it that way. This child’s yours, not his.”
Nakia snorted. Nothing felt like hers anymore, not even her body. Asad possessed every bit of her. Well, he could have her, but not everything Ashni built.
The servants helped Nakia to her feet and took her to her room to bathe and change. Her stomach didn’t settle, even after all of that. She went to see Samar, even though it meant seeing Ashni.
Ashni’s convalescence was going well, according to Samar. She could hold down meals and had a steady appetite. She could move, do little workouts, and complain with the best of them. Right now, though, she was asleep. She still slept more than she ever did. Nakia couldn’t help staring at Ashni, trying to will her better.
“You just missed her being awake,” Layla said from her spot by Ashni’s bed.
Nakia brushed Ashni’s hair from her face. “That’s fine. How was she?”
“Up and moving,” Layla answered.
“They tried to spar.” Samar rolled her eyes.
Nakia gasped. “You didn’t let them, did you?”
Samar arched an eyebrow. “Of course I didn’t.”
Nakia breathed a sigh of relief. Samar wouldn’t allow them to be so reckless. She sat down next to Samar, who was mixing potions, for Ashni, for Nakia, for Saniyah. The only one the potions seemed to work for was Ashni.
“What do you need?” Samar asked.
“I feel sick. It’s lasted almost an hour and it hasn’t gone away.” Please have something to make this better. Please.
Samar glanced at Nakia’s abdomen. Nakia squirmed. She hated that people knew. It was like she had a festering sore and Samar, the brothers, and the servants scratched at the wound with their eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if trying to block their view, like that would make it all go away.
“It might be best to let it resolve itself. This situation is like nothing I’ve ever combated. It’s like the Darkness itself is against us,” Samar said.
“But why?” Nakia’s voice cracked.
Things were bleak if Samar thought the Darkness was against them. That was like saying everything was against them. There was no way to regain her body, no way to regain control of herself.
Samar wrapped her arms around Nakia. “We could live a thousand years and not understand the gods. We cannot comprehend the Darkness, so it will always be beyond us.”
That wasn’t what Nakia wanted to hear, and she wept. She couldn’t be strong anymore, not when it felt like she was decaying inside. She felt Layla’s arms around her, and she crumbled against Layla. She stayed like that for a few minutes, only coming back to herself as Adira showed up with a message from Naren. Please be good news. Wiping away her tears, Nakia unsealed the letter.
“Is it Tariq? Tiq?” Layla asked.
Nakia felt like she could breathe. “He’s gotten almost everyone out who needs to be out.”
“Ready to make a move,” Adira said.
“He says in a week at the least. He’s setting up a defense.”
Adira nodded. “Smart move. He actually learned while he was out on campaign.”
Layla smiled. “Told you he was more than a pretty face.”
“I promise you none of us thought he was a pretty face,” Nakia said. Layla chuckled and gave Nakia a squeeze. Hope dared to blossom in her chest. Then it faded as another wave of nausea hit. Ashni’s dream and everyone else might be fine, but she was done for, the price too high to pay without tears.
***
Ashni moved with Adira, going through the paces with their swords in the hall right outside of Ashni’s tiny convalescing room. She figured out they were in a part of the palace that was under construction, yet now it seemed abandoned. There was no bustle, no servants. It was quiet, only the sounds of her grunting and their swords clashing echoed through the place.
It felt like forever since Ashni held her weapons, and they were still like extensions of herself. Weakness pulled her to the floor, made her motions slow like honey.
Adira took it easy on Ashni, on Samar’s orders, but it felt good to move, good to hold her weapons. She pushed against Adira and found herself on her ass moments later. Adira sneered.
“For all of Samar’s potions and balms, you’re still worthless,” Adira said.
Ashni coughed, biting down the agony that hummed through her. It shouldn’t have been so easy for Adira. “Say that to Samar’s face.”
“I’m saying it to yours. You’re weak as a kitten while your hellcat is trying to hold your damn empire together with spit and fire!”
“Adira,” Samar’s calm voice carried out from her corner.
Adira sucked her teeth and turned away. Ashni climbed to her feet, then Adira cracked her across the face with the hilt of her sword and she was down again. Samar didn’t say anything about that one. Ashni was appreciative of her silence, even though she couldn’t do anything against Adira. She was down many more times before Adira left.
Layla arrived with a hearty meal of stew. Ashni went back into her room and ate while Samar gave her a tart potion and soothed her wounds with sweet-smelling salves and medicated linens.
“Mom, maybe you shouldn’t let Adira spar with her,” Layla said.
“They both need it and since they bruise each other,
I’ve learned more about making medicines for her biology,” Samar replied.
Ashni twisted her mouth up. “I’ve become an experiment?”
“You’ve been an experiment, my dear. Do you have any idea what it’s like coming up with any sort of medicine for you? Your body fights the strangest things. Poison, you push out like grapes. Antidote, your body decides it doesn’t need it. And when I make something that should fortify your body, your body completely rejects it. I don’t even know if anything I’ve done is the reason you’re still standing,” Samar said.
Ashni scratched her head. “Witchcraft usually works when conventional medicine doesn’t.”
“Your mother’s witchcraft?”
“Yes.”
Samar shook her head. “No, that wouldn’t work at all.”
“You handle everyone else like magic. And whenever I have a normal wound, you’re fine with that.”
“Yes, thank you for not being poisoned constantly, especially with something of unknown origins. It would’ve been a huge blow to my self-esteem.”
Ashni chuckled. She was improving. If not Samar’s medicine, what was healing her? You’re the daughter of two demi-gods and the Chosen One. You better be damn hard to kill.
Despite complaining, Samar continued her work. Even if Samar was frustrated, her work might still be helping Ashni get back on her feet. “I do want to thank you for your hard work,” Ashni said.
Samar gave her a smile. “You don’t have to thank me. You know I view you as a daughter. I don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to be permanently out of commission.”
“Why?” Ashni found herself asking. “I mean, I get because of Layla, but why accept me as a daughter?” Months had passed, and she was still troubled by her visions from the poison. Samar wasn’t one of the relationships she got to experience a second time.
Samar studied her. “Beyond the fact that Layla attached herself to you like a weird leech, your father impressed me. He never made me feel conquered. He made me feel like I was a part of something, and he opened his arms to Layla when you started saying she was your sister. You remind me of him in that sense. One day, you’ll get there.”
“I’m not there yet?” Ashni blinked. “I make people feel conquered?”
“No, you don’t pause long enough for that to happen. Your mother said your father used to be the same way. You treat people like they’re people. Your father did that. Your mother does that. I think it’s one of your greatest strengths.”
Ashni nodded. That felt good to know. “An injury can take away from my ability to lead, though.”
“I don’t think that’s true. It could take away your ability to ride along on conquest, but conquering isn’t leading.”
That sounded vaguely familiar. I charge you with leading the world. Her father told her to lead. Adira hadn’t been impressed with conquest, hadn’t considered it great.
“You should rest,” Samar said.
Sleep seemed to be the best medicine, so Ashni didn’t argue. She collapsed into bed, feeling the effect of Adira’s workout as soon as she was down. Sleep came easy, and she always woke up feeling more like herself. Except that was usually when she woke up on her own. Waking up because someone crawled into bed with her was another matter.
Her instincts were on high alert, her mind ready to react when she realized she wasn’t alone. Her heart felt like it might explode for the second, so startled by the sudden intrusion in her bed. She jolted up, but then recognized the feel of the body next to her. Gathering Nakia in her arms, she settled back down. Nakia curled into her.
“Are you all right?” Ashni asked, surprised her beloved had climbed into bed.
Nakia visited her often, although never like this. She tended to keep her distance, almost like Ashni was poisonous. Ashni was pleased she seemed to be over that.
“Fine,” Nakia whimpered. “Finding out a lot about myself without you around.”
“I am around, and I’m fit enough to help around the kingdom. Maybe I can’t do any heavy lifting, but I’m more than just my fancy muscles.” Ashni smiled in the dark, even though Nakia probably couldn’t see. The smile didn’t stop the bleed in her heart. Her spouse should be able to rely on her, lean on her, share the burden.
Nakia sniffled. “I have everything handled. Just…please get better soon.”
“I am, which is why I’m taking all of Samar’s medicines and sparring with Adira, even though I’m almost certain she’s trying to kill me.”
She wasn’t joking this time, sure the only reason she wasn’t dead was because Samar never left the room. It wasn’t like Varaza could stop Adira. Varaza was an amazing warrior, but Adira was gifted in ways Ashni couldn’t explain.
Nakia stroked her back. “Don’t be upset with Adira. She’s dealing with a lot.”
That wasn’t the point. None of them seemed to understand she wasn’t upset with their behavior. “I need to help her. And you. I’m on my feet. My mind is clear. Let me help.”
Nakia was quiet for a long time. The silence burned a hole in Ashni’s soul. She itched to be there for all of them, punish whoever dared to hurt them, and take all of their pain away.
“What are your thoughts on children?” Nakia asked in a small voice.
Ashni rolled her neck and shoulders. This question again? It had to mean something.
“Children in general, children of people close to us, or children of our own?” Ashni asked. Is she worried about securing our legacy? There’s so much more to do. Are we ready for a child? Still, Nakia was from a culture where married women were expected to have children, so maybe that was nagging at her now.
“Our own?” Nakia’s voice cracked and cut through Ashni, but she wasn’t sure why. Having their own children should’ve made her happy. Instead, it was harder to breathe.
Eventually, Ashni found her voice. “Of course. If I have a child, then you have one as well, and vice versa.”
“If you have a child?” Nakia sounded on the verge of tears.
“It could happen.” It wasn’t in her plan, but they hadn’t really talked about how they’d go about starting their family. “I always figured I’d adopt a child, like I adopted a sister.”
“That would be enough for you? You wouldn’t need to carry a baby to have it be yours?”
Ashni kissed Nakia’s forehead. “The child would be mine, through raising the kid and passing on my legacy. Come on, kitten, we’ve gone through this. Passing on your legacy’s the important thing in the Roshan. Your legacy is in behavior, not blood.”
“True.”
“Layla’s more a sibling to me than my three older brothers. And you know the history, possibly better than I do.”
Nakia nodded against her. “Family was built through emotional bonds because life was hard on the plains and people died, especially children. To keep tribes going, you have to keep the children thriving, so no child could be left orphaned.”
“We didn’t even have a word for orphans until we started to interact with other communities. So, I’m fine with adopting.”
Nakia sighed. The sound made Ashni’s stomach drop. It was like she had made this worse somehow. She wanted to give Nakia the world, but the way Nakia sounded, it felt like the world had fallen away from her.
“Are you sure?” Nakia asked.
“Yes.” Ashni licked her lips. “Do you want to carry a baby? That’s fine, too. There are women couples who do that. We could even pick a man who’d help.”
Nakia went stiff. “I don’t know. I never thought about it.”
“Isn’t that a big part of your culture?” Ashni thought that was what this whole thing was about. Nakia wanted to and was being shy about it since Ashni planned to adopt or was hesitant because Ashni had been injured.
“It is.”
“If you want to have a baby, we can figure it out. There are so many options for us.” Ashni thought she was being helpful and understanding, but Nakia started sobbing against her. It seemed like s
he couldn’t be more wrong. She wrapped her arms around Nakia and held her tight. Each sound hacked through her like a blunt sword, taking chunks of her soul. Ashni didn’t know what to do, what to say. Her voice took on a pleading tone. “Talk to me, kitten. What happened? What can I do?”
“Hold me.” The whimper that escaped Nakia made Ashni believe that was the best thing for right now.
“Now and always.” Ashni kissed the top of her head, needing to take Nakia’s pain away. “Share your burden with me. You’d scold me if this was the other way around.”
Nakia shook her head. “I can’t.”
Ashni looked into the darkness of her room. “I’m stronger than you think.” And if I’m not, I’m going to get my ass there now.
“You’re the strongest person I know, but I have to let you heal, just as you would let me.”
Ashni sighed, feeling weary down to her bones. “I’m not sure what brought this on, but I’d love and cherish any child between us. It doesn’t matter how we got the child. I’d teach the child how to rule, how to be a warrior, and how to play chess.”
Tears poured from Nakia’s eyes, dampening the blankets, Ashni’s shirt, her skin, yet Ashni still couldn’t understand why. The only thing that came to mind was that Nakia was pregnant and didn’t think Ashni would approve, but that was ridiculous. Nakia would never…unless the gods had stepped in.
Still lost, Ashni whispered, “I’m always here for you, kitten.”
She held Nakia until sleep took her. Ashni’s thoughts spun in the darkness. What the fuck is going on? A leader would know and act. A leader would make things better.
Chapter Fourteen
NAKIA SAT ON HER throne and went through her usual paperwork while trying to keep down the rumble in her belly. Her stomach twisted. She wanted to vomit but refused. She was sick all the time now. She wasn’t sure if it was the abomination growing inside of her or waiting for word from Naren. Word should be coming any day now.
What if the feeling actually came from Ashni being so supportive? It haunted her, the truth stalking her. Ashni would support her, accept this demon, raise and love it as her own…while Nakia wished it dead. What does that say about me? She didn’t deserve Ashni, especially since she could hardly hold what Ashni built for her together. Ashni had done so much for her and she had failed Ashni.
Blood Rain (Warrior Class Book 3) Page 20