“My eyes are closed.” And they are.
I hear his footfalls as he enters the room and my breath hitches in anticipation.
“Open your eyes, Natasha.” His breath tickles my ear.
I do as I’m told and gasp loudly before tears form in my eyes.
Natasha
“Roman,” I whisper without looking at him.
My gaze is firmly planted on Junior’s body cradled against Roman’s wide ink-covered chest. Two and a half months have passed since the baby was ripped from my chest. He’s grown and I want to feel the weight of him in my arms as I peruse him for any maltreatment.
I stretch my hands toward the sleeping bundle and Roman quickly passes him off to me. I lay Junior across my arms and peer down into his face. He’s resting peacefully as I unzip his pajamas. Roman climbs in bed behind me, rearranging the pillows and blankets before pulling my back to his chest as his legs settle on the outside of mine. Intimate.
I get Junior naked and check him over thoroughly, trying not to disturb him too much. I wouldn’t mind if he woke up though. I want to see his eyes, his responsiveness.
“What are you doing?” Roman whispers into my ear.
“Making sure he’s healthy.”
“Do you think I’d harm a baby?” he asks aghast.
“I don’t know. When I found him two and a half months ago he was in bad shape,” I mutter as I continue to fuss with the baby.
“You have your brother to thank for that,” he grinds out, clamping more firmly.
“I’m a nurse, Roman. I’m just doin’ my job.”
“Ivan is fine. I assure you no harm has come to him while he’s been in the Bratva.”
“Ivan,” I whisper the baby’s given name as his eyes begin to crack open.
The baby blue color has gotten darker since the last time I saw him. There’s a midnight blue quality to them that’s familiar to that of the man holding me.
“He’s yours,” I state quietly as Ivan fully wakes and gazes intently at me.
I know there’s no way he remembers me. I’m not completely delusional, but I swear he’s studying my face trying to place me. I run my finger along his chubby cheek and he giggles before wiggling to try to sit up.
“He’s my son,” Roman responds as I sit Ivan upright in my lap to face me.
“How old is he?”
I start playing with the baby, bouncing him and clapping our hands as I wait for a response.
“Almost seven months.”
“His mother?”
“She served her purpose long ago,” he retorts coolly.
I’m not sure what that means. I’m not sure I want to know what that means.
“You said I was the only woman you didn’t use a condom with,” I whisper at the realization he’s lied to me about that very important fact.
“You are. Condoms break,” he says curtly.
I decide to move on.
“How many children do you have?”
Ivan has taken to eating my fingers, his mouth warm and drool-filled.
“Just Ivan for now.”
“For now?”
“I’d like more children. Would you like to have children?”
“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. I always believed I would be a mother at some point. I love caring for babies and helping bring them into the world. But if I’m honest, I’ve always worried I wouldn’t be a good mother. I haven’t had a great example and I refuse to be the kind of mother I had growing up. Working long hours as a nurse has always been a good excuse to never think about building a family. My ex, Ben, struggled with that in our relationship. I would never have the family and future talk with him. I’m not sure I want to have it with Roman either.
“You’re not sure you want to be a mother or you’re not sure you want to be the mother of my children?” Roman’s question holds warning.
“I haven’t had the time to consider it much,” I lie poorly.
“Natasha,” he growls. I wish I was a better liar.
“Can we talk about this later? I’d like to enjoy this time with Ivan.”
“No, I would appreciate an answer to my previous question.”
“I don’t know that I want to be a mother,” I say with a sigh.
“Has your birth control shot worn off?”
As Roman waits for my response, he rubs tiny circles into my skin at my collarbone.
“Yes, it has,” I reply with a shiver as he nips my neck just below my ear.
“Would you like Doctor Hassan to administer another? I would like to have a baby with you. The idea of you carrying my child…I like the image of your body growing with my son in your belly,” he purrs in my ear as his hands spreads across my midsection.
Ivan giggles as his father’s fingers tickle his toes with his movement. I giggle back because the sound brings me immeasurable joy. I feel Roman’s lips tip against my bare shoulder. Am I really considering having a family with a man that kidnapped me, hurt me, threatened me, forced me to my knees in a restaurant full of men and humiliated me?
I am. It’s sick but true. What else will my life with Roman consist of if not this? At least with children to care for, I’ll have happiness and unconditional love. I know the joy that brings with it and the sorrow it can cause. I’m experiencing that sorrow without my brother in my life. Only seeing his face in my dreams is agony. What would happen to my children if Roman decided he was done with me? I couldn’t walk away from my children. There’s no way I’d survive that loss.
“You told me Ivan was doin’ his job when I asked where he was. What’s his job?”
“I use infants in the Bratva to move product. It’s an easy way to transport across borders,” Roman informs me shamelessly.
“You use your son as a drug mule?” I screech, snapping my head to the side to glare at Roman.
“He’s been in no danger. Until your brother stole him, that is.”
I swiftly scoot away from Roman before raising to my knees, naked other than a thong. I turn to face a puzzled crime boss and hold his son out at arm’s length in front of his face.
“This is your son, Roman. He’s innocent and defenseless in life. How dare you use him! There’s no way I can be at your side or discussing bringing more children into your world if this is how you would treat them. I won’t do it. I can’t!”
Roman lunges forward and pulls Ivan from my hands. I want to rip the baby back to my chest, but I’m too slow. Before I can make a move to retrieve the baby, Roman’s on his feet prowling from the room. I chase after him, not giving a shit that I’m naked or who may see that.
“Roman!” I shout loud enough to make myself wince.
“If you’re chasing me through this room in your panties, you will not like what happens next,” Roman says calmly, not halting his progression.
“I’m naked and I’m chasing you. Now bring me that baby back!” I demand.
I’ve lost my fucking mind. I have no control of my mouth or my actions. I pick up the closest thing to me and launch it in his general direction, careful not to endanger the baby. It’s a vase and it shatters a few feet from him.
He stops.
He turns.
He glares.
I don’t give a shit.
“Natasha, you’re being foolish,” his voice is menacing as I continue toward him.
“Give Ivan back to me,” I growl as I round my mess.
“We need to have a discussion and you need to be reminded the consequences of foolishness.” He dismisses my request and turns to head to the door again.
I cut off his path and hold my hands out to stop him.
“If you want me, truly want me, you won’t do this. You’ll give me the baby and talk to me like a human being. I’m a person, Roman. I can’t be with you if you’re hurting babies. So if you’re telling me that’s what you do, then take me to the basement now and forget you ever met me. I will not be with you for another moment if you leave this room with Ivan.”
> If I let him out of this room, I’m certain I’ll never see Ivan again. The whole point of me being here is to find him. I have him now and I’m willing to fight to the death on his behalf. Fuck happiness and all that shit that I crave like an idiot. I’ll never be anything other than guilty and shame-filled if I allow Roman to use infants in his organization.
“Are you threatening me, Natasha?” Roman spits incredulously.
“Yes.”
I don’t move. I hold my ground. I stare down the dragon and wait for my fight. I saved Blake. I saved Sully and his friends. I’ll save Ivan too.
“Igor,” Roman calls out.
Igor dutifully enters the space and all my bravado begins to seep away. I thought we were alone. I didn’t care at first because I was enraged and clearly out of my mind. Now that there’s another man in the room with us, my nakedness is making me extremely uncomfortable.
Roman passes Ivan to Igor, who never looks my direction. There’s a hushed conversation before Igor nods once and leaves the area with the baby. I don’t hear the copper door open so I know the baby is still here…somewhere.
Now I’m alone with Roman and he’s seething. I’ve stepped out of line and he’s going to put me back in it. His gaze follows Igor all the way to wherever he’s going and then snaps to me in a breath.
“This is the last time you’ll demand anything from me,” Roman dictates harshly, stalking to me. His winged chest collides with mine hard enough to knock me back a few steps. He follows as I stumble to gain my balance. I find it when my hips connect with the back of the tweed couch. When I make contact, I panic.
“Never again!” he roars in my face and I squeak at the thunderous clamor.
“I just—”
I’m cutoff as Roman’s dragon encapsulated fingers grip my throat firmly, causing me to clutch his wrist. He’s not choking me, but his fingers are constricting tightly enough to let me know he’s a beat away from losing control.
“You will never speak to me like that again. You will never scream at me again. You will never chase after me again. And you will never allow another man to see you without your clothes on again. You’re mine, Natasha. You just agreed to that. If you’re having second thoughts, then please, explain that to me. Now.”
“I want to be at your side. I want a good life with you. I won’t have a good life if I stand idly by as you put innocent children in harm’s way,” I gasp out.
“That sounds like a demand,” he warns leaning closer to my face, his grip remaining taut.
“It’s a demand for you to give me the life you promised me,” I whimper.
With that, his fingers release their pressure and his features soften minutely.
“Convince me.”
Of course. I wrack my mind with how to accomplish the task at hand.
“Stop using babies. Give me Ivan. When you do those two things, I’ll have a baby with you. I’ll have as many babies with you that you want and I can give you. If you come to me in ten minutes, place Ivan in my arms and assure me there are no more babies being used by the Bratva, I’ll start trying to have a baby with you as soon as Ivan goes down for the night. I’ll give you that, Roman. I’ll give you everything,” I state confidently.
“Done,” Roman growls before taking possession of my mouth.
His hand leaves my neck and joins the other, palming both breasts and tweaking my nipples. I pull away from his marauding progress and find his gaze hooded and annoyed.
“I’m serious, Roman. Ivan and no more using babies,” I attempt to state firmly.
“I agreed,” he says with a spark behind his eyes that I don’t quite understand.
“Just like that? It’s done now? Are you telepathic? How will your men know to stop using babies? Don’t you need to make calls or send emails or something?” I ramble.
“You’re trying my patience now. It’s done. If I say something, you need to understand it without explanation. Give me your mouth, Natasha.”
I do as I’m told. He’s done placating me. I’m astounded he’s allowed me the latitude to question and demand at all.
As he plunders my mouth and threads his hand into my thong, I realize every time I convince Roman to do something I pay with a piece of my soul. He’s devouring me internally with the same intensity he does my body. He’s intent on owning the entirety of me. And I’m willing to give it to him in order to forget that I ever had any power to run my own life.
The memory of a nurse working and striving to break from the mold of her mother and the dysfunction of her childhood causes me pain now. I can’t be that woman anymore. That woman dies a slow painful death in the Vojtech Bratva. I refuse to sacrifice her so I relinquish her. I free her to find a safe harbor buried beneath the rubble of Roman’s destruction. I’ll rebuild a woman that can stand by his side and live.
I will live. I just don’t know who I’ll be.
O’Sullivan
“Feelin’ good?” I ask Kav as I nudge his sleeping form on the floor of the bathroom.
“Fuck off, O’Sullivan,” he grumbles.
“If I’m not mistaken, I heard your random screamin’ bloody murder last night after you barfed on her. You get her off before you offered her that experience?”
He moans a little before pushing off the floor, his massive tattooed chest speckled with puke. It’s not a good look.
“I was in rare form,” he admits, running a hand over his buzzed head.
“No shit.” I chuckle as he stands up in full naked glory.
I double over laughing at his limp dick sporting a used, very stuck to him condom.
“Stop lookin’ at my junk, pervert,” he chides me, trying to pry the latex from himself.
“It looks like a dying albino elephant,” I sputter out, laughing harder as I speak and he winces while he tugs.
Once he gets the condom off he flings it at my head, missing badly.
“THE FUCK?!” Cal screams from behind me and I fall to my knees after I spy him ripping the condom off his face.
I’m laughing so hard I feel like I’m going to puke. My sides ache and my cheeks are cramping. Fuck, I needed this.
“Sorry, man,” Kav dismisses his post-messy-sex foul.
“If I get herpes in my eye from that, you’re a dead man,” Cal threatens.
“You should wash your face,” Kav advises and I continue chortling.
“I don’t think soap is how you get rid of herpes,” I gasp out as Cal feverishly washes his face in the sink while Kav takes a piss.
Cal grumbles something about needing a penicillin shot as he dries his face with a plush white towel. Kav flips on the shower and we leave him to wash off the vomit and apparently the threat of herpes.
“He’s a dick,” Cal huffs, flopping his large body onto the couch.
“Always has been,” I agree. “You two went at it pretty hard last night.”
“I’m hazy, but from what I remember it was a good night.”
“Worth gettin’ eye herpes?” I question with a raised brow.
“Not sure that exists,” he says through a small chuckle.
“Kav would not agree with that.”
“No shit. He was on a mission last night, man. Fucked two chicks in the bathroom at some club. Banged another chick in the parking lot. Then brought home lucky number four.”
“He needs anti-bacterial soap. Hang on,” I say, climbing to my feet.
I stride to the little kitchenette and grab the dish soap before entering the bathroom.
“Use this,” I shout before launching the soap bottle over the top of the glass door.
“Thanks!” he yells back without a hint of the intended humor I had in mind.
I chuckle as I exit and lock eyes with the bright blues of Cal. He cracks a smile knowing my joke didn’t work how I wanted it to.
“He took it didn’t he?”
“Yup,” I reply popping my p before he and I die laughing.
A few minutes later Kav walks out of the bathr
oom naked, informing us, “I smell like a fuckin’ lemon.”
The three of us chuckle deeply until the apartment door opens and Kieran stalks in.
“Jesus Christ Kavanagh, put your tootsie roll away,” he demands in disgust.
Kav starts dancing around making sure his dick swings as much as possible before replying, “You wanna taste?”
“Quinn comes in here and sees that thing hangin’ around; she’ll be certain she hit the jackpot with my cock.”
Kieran plops down next to me as Kav thrusts his way to his bedroom singing his own version of “Baby Got Back”, with the lyrics proclaiming to “like big tits” and something about “My anaconda spits mad come and likes it on your tongue”. He’s a class act.
“Dude never changes,” Kieran points out with a grin and a shake of the head.
“He gave Cal eye herpes,” I say through a mischievous grin.
“Not funny,” Cal says as he laughs.
“Didn’t know you were a man for facials,” Kieran snarks.
“You can’t know all a girl’s secrets,” Cal says back in a high-pitched voice with a feminine wave of his hand.
And we’re all laughing again. If kicking the shit out of someone tonight doesn’t make me feel better, this morning has done the job. This is me with my family. I joke, laugh and shoot the shit. I like things to be light and easy. My life’s been anything but that as of late.
Normally, I would cut a chick loose the moment work and seriousness got involved. Fucked up thing is, I’m even more invested now. I need the release of a good laugh right now followed by spilling some blood. But at the end of the day, I just want Natasha. I want her more than ever.
“Wanna hit Brogan’s?” Kieran asks.
Ian Brogan runs one of the oldest gyms in Chicago that holds illegal bare-knuckle fights. I’ve spent a lot of time within those cracked walls and I’m excited to get back to it. Kieran’s crew is run out of the building right next to Brogan’s so it makes sense to head there. I’m ready.
“Let’s roll,” I say, climbing to my feet.
“We’ll head over later,” Cal says stretching out on the couch for a nap.
Blackness Within (The Blackness Series Book 5) Page 22