by Jessica Wood
As soon as I finished my words, a sinking feeling crept its way into the pit of my stomach. This can’t be about tomorrow, can it? I wanted to blurt out, “You’re still coming, right?” but I held my tongue, afraid that if I asked that question out loud, I’d for sure make it come true.
“Clo…Please don’t hate me…”
The sinking feeling in my stomach spread through my body. “What is it?” I finally managed to get out.
“I—I really hate to do this to you, but…I can’t take the train down for your birthday tomorrow.”
His words felt like a cold dagger through my heart.
“Why not?” I demanded, trying to keep my voice steady.
“I don’t really have time to explain right now. I’m so sorry! I’m actually in the middle of a pledge activity. I snuck out real quick so I can tell you. I’m really, really sorry, Clo. I promise I’ll make it up to you! You know I’d be there if I could.” Then I heard a guy yelling in the background. “Shit! I gotta go, Clo. Please don’t hate me. I’ll call you tomorrow morning and will explain everything to you, okay?”
Before I could even respond, the line went silent, and he was already gone.
I got out of bed, feeling more tired that morning than I’d felt the previous night before bed. I looked out my dorm room window and saw that it had started snowing overnight and the pale, gray sky was filled with light flurries of snow drifting and swirling along with the wind. This was the first sign of snow this season, and I couldn’t help but smile a little at how beautiful and peaceful the city looked while being blanketed by the first layer of white, powdery snow. It was one of my favorite things about the start of winter.
Just then I heard my phone beep, alerting me to a new text message. Feeling slightly better than when I’d initially woken up, I reached for my phone.
It was from Jackson and my spirits immediately brightened at the sight of his name. But then our conversation from the prior night hit my consciousness, deflating me once again. Didn’t he say he’s going to call me this morning?
Feeling a sense of dread, I pulled up his text message.
Happy birthday, Clo!!! I hope you have an amazing day! So sorry I can’t make it! I was about to call you, but the brothers of the house just came unannounced and they’re about to take my phone. I’ll call you as soon as I can, but may not be until Sunday night. So sorry!!! Love, Jax
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” I blurted out loud as I stared at my phone in utter disbelief. In a crazed moment of anger, I pulled up his number and dialed it.
My call went straight to voicemail.
I slumped back onto my bed, feeling more upset than ever. How could Jackson do this to me? We always spent our birthdays together, and he’d promised he was going to come. How could he cancel on me in the last minute on my birthday for a frat house? How could he disregard my feelings like this?
There were so many feelings swirling inside me, I wasn’t sure how I really felt. Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Loneliness? Resentment? Betrayal? Abandonment? Was it possible for someone to feel all of these emotions all at once?
I crawled underneath my duvet, wishing I hadn’t woken up that morning. How had a day I had been looking forward to for weeks turn out to be such a disappointment? At some point during my session of self-pity, I must have fallen back asleep, but the next thing I knew, the buzzing of my phone woke me up.
After a few seconds of fumbling through my sheets for the phone, I answered it quickly.
“Hi, Charlie.” I was surprised to hear how awful my voice had just sounded.
“Happy birthday, kiddo!”
“Happy birthday, Chloe!” I heard Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom exclaim in the background.
“Thanks, guys.” I tried to sound cheerful.
“Did we wake you? You sound out of it.”
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I must have drifted back to sleep, but I should get up now.” I rubbed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. “So what time are you guys planning on coming over?” I looked over at my alarm clock on my nightstand and realized it was already close to ten in the morning.
“So that’s why we called…” There was a short pause, and then some rustling.
“Hey, honey. It’s me.” It was Aunt Betty, who must have just grabbed the phone from Charlie.
“Hi, Aunt Betty. So what’s wrong?” I held my breath, knowing it probably wasn’t good news I was about to hear.
“Oh sweetie, have you taken a look outside this morning?”
I walked over to the window to see that the snow flurries I’d seen earlier were now larger snowflakes falling steadily from the sky.
“Yeah, it’s snowing out.” Then I realized what Aunt Betty was trying to say. “Do you think Longwood Gardens is closed today because of the snow?” Normally it didn’t start snowing until the very last few days in November or early December, and Autumn’s Colors and Chrysanthemum Festival usually ended before the first snow fall.
“I’m not sure, honey, but that’s very likely. That wasn’t what we were concerned about.”
“So what’s the problem? It’s just snow.”
“The weather report this morning said that a large blizzard is currently moving through our area and staying until mid-day tomorrow. We’re supposed to get about twenty-five to thirty inches of snow by tomorrow morning.”
“Oh.” I felt a sense of foreboding and I knew I didn’t like where this was going. “So what does this mean for today?”
“Well, we were thinking maybe we can reschedule for maybe Sunday or next week. Charlie said he could look into getting everything rescheduled so you didn’t have to do that.”
“Reschedule? So you guys don’t want to visit me?” I knew I sounded like a self-centered child at that moment, but after Jackson had flaked on me the night before, I wasn’t sure I could handle my own family flaking on me as well.
“Would that be okay, honey?” I could hear the guilt in her voice. “I mean, it’s just one option though,” she quickly added. “I know you’ve been really excited about today, and today is your birthday. So if you feel strongly about celebrating today, just say the words and we’ll come to pick you up and we can play it by ear and figure out something else to do instead of Longwood Gardens if they’re closed. What do you think?”
I didn’t need to think about it to know what I’d wanted for today. So for the first time that I could remember, I allowed my own selfish desires to take the front seat and told Aunt Betty what I wanted without holding back. “Aunt Betty, I really want to see you guys today. Jax canceled on me last night and won’t be coming now. My birthday is today, not Sunday or next week. I don’t really care what we end up doing today, but I just don’t want to spend my birthday alone.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry to hear that about Jackson. We thought he might have taken the early train down this morning from Boston and was already with you. You’re right, you shouldn’t be alone for your birthday, and we’re only forty minutes away. We can probably head out soon and be there in about an hour. Does that work?”
“That’s perfect.” I smiled, touched by how much she cared for me. “Thanks for understanding, Aunt Betty. I hope I didn’t come off sounding ungrateful. I know I’m being selfish today. So it really means a lot to me that you guys are making the trip.”
“Sweetie, don’t be silly. You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. I’m so glad that you’re speaking up for what you want. You need to do that more often. You know we all love you. I wouldn’t have even suggested postponing today if I had known Jackson wasn’t there.”
Her words brought tears to my eyes. “You guys are the best, Aunt Betty.”
“So we’ll see you in about an hour, then?”
“Yup. I’ll see you guys then.”
When I hung up the phone, I felt my mood improve. I was determined to make the best of my day. I wasn’t going to let Jackson ruin my birthday because he decided it wasn’t worth showing up for.
“Forge
t you, Jax,” I said aloud. “I don’t care that you can’t come anymore. I’m going to have an amazing birthday without you because I’ll be spending it with my family.”
But I didn’t end up having an amazing birthday after all. And I didn’t end up spending it with Aunt Betty, Uncle Tom, or Charlie.
They never made it to my dorm that day. I waited almost five hours for their call, feeling increasingly agitated and concerned with every passing hour.
When I finally received the call, it wasn’t from them.
It was from the hospital.
CHAPTER NINE
December 2003
Nineteen Years Old
JACKSON
Pledging Alpha Sigma Delta had been brutally tough. They didn’t call it Hell Week for nothing and my grades and other obligations definitely suffered because of it. I had no time for anything else outside of pledging, not even Chloe.
Through all the sacrifice, sleepless nights, and humiliating things the brothers put me through, I was terrified I wouldn’t make the cut. Nothing would be a bigger kick in the balls than if I’d gone through all this bullshit—and possibly upset Chloe in the process—for nothing.
But it hadn’t been for nothing; and tonight, I officially crossed into the house and was now a brother of Alpha Sigma Delta. I couldn’t wait to tell Chloe the great news the next time we talked.
After the initiation ceremony, it was tradition to celebrate with one hell of a party. It was like nothing I’d ever seen! Booze was everywhere and was thrown around like it was water. And like any crazy frat party, there were tons of hot girls. I’d had my share of girlfriends in high school, but these were college girls, and they were wild. Beautiful, sexy and very carefree with their bodies. It didn’t take much encouragement before they started stripping in front of everyone.
It was funny though, as much as I was enjoying it all and basking in the glory of being in a frat house with all of its benefits, my thoughts kept going back to Chloe. The thought of her caused my stomach to twist in knots with guilt. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing lately and if she was all right. We’d been virtually inseparable since the first grade, and now suddenly we were in separate cities going to different colleges six hours away from one another. I hated missing her so much and I sometimes wondered if she was as lonely and miserable as I was sometimes without her in my day-to-day life. Part of me wanted her to be happy, but mostly I hoped she was missing me too.
Other than a few quick text messages and emails, it’d been several weeks since we’d really had a chance to talk. I’d felt bad that I couldn’t make it to Philly for her birthday the previous month. Between the two of us, it was the first birthday we hadn’t spent together since we’d known each other. So I definitely felt bad that I broke our tradition because I got too busy. What made it worse was the fact that I’d promised Chloe that I’d be there. This was the first promise to her I’d broken. I felt like shit having to disappoint her the way I had, and I wondered if she was upset or maybe even mad at me for not being there for her when I’d said I would. I hoped, as my best friend, she’d understand and wouldn’t be too upset. If she was, I hoped that she’d accept my apology once I had a chance to explain to her what’d happened.
When I started pledging the house over two months before, I had no clue what I’d signed up for. No one told me that pledging a fraternity would take up every waking moment of my day. I practically signed my life over to the fraternity and was a slave to their every beck and call.
So on the night before Chloe’s birthday, when the brothers told my pledge class that there’d be a mandatory weekend “retreat” starting the following morning, I knew that I had to tell Chloe I couldn’t make it for her birthday. By that point, I was over halfway through with the pledge period and had sacrificed too much to quit then. Plus, I really wanted to be a part of that frat house. The brothers all seemed really cool and I’d really bonded with the other pledges in my class. I knew that if I wanted the ultimate college experience, this would be the perfect group of guy friends to experience it with. But before that could happen, I had to pay my dues to become a brother of the house. And as a pledge, I was at the very bottom of the totem pole. So as much as I’d wanted to go see Chloe, by then I’d learned the hard way that missing any of the pledge activities was just not an option. Not only would I face a punishment, my entire pledge class would face one as well.
As I continued to think about Chloe, I realized that the last time we’d actually talked on the phone had been the night before her birthday when I had to tell her I couldn’t make it. I remember receiving a few missed calls from her after that, but she never left a voicemail, which usually meant she was just calling to say hi but it wasn’t anything important. I’d been meaning to call her back to see how she was doing.
Already buzzed from several shots I had just taken, I felt a strong urge to hear her voice. I’ll call her now! Thinking that was a great idea, I pulled out my cell phone and looked for a place quiet enough to call her. The back porch seemed like the only place, and I headed for the back door.
“Hey, where are you going all by yourself?” A pretty, half-naked redhead cut me off before I could make my way out the door. She was clearly drunk as she eyed me up and down with a glazed-over expression on her face. She wrapped her arms around me, pressing her breasts against my body and slurred, “This frat house is just so big.” She grabbed a hold of my crotch when she said “big” and I felt my cock twitch in a knee-jerk reaction. “Wanna show me upstairs and give me a private tour?” she whispered into my ear.
“Sorry, I can’t right now,” I slurred as I peeled her off of me and took a step back, almost losing my balance. “I need to call someone, and”—I stumbled forward and waved my finger at her—“you’re not her.”
“Oooooh! Gotta girlfriend?” She started to giggle as she leaned against the door frame for support. “I don’t mind. Why don’t you invite her to join us if you want?”
“Sorry, I’m not interested. And no, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s just my best friend.”
The redhead laughed without humor. “So you’re about to go call a girl who’s just your friend when you’re at a raging frat party and you’re one of the guests of honor?” She scoffed. “Sounds like somebody’s got a boner for a prude! She’s not even your girlfriend and you’re pining away for her like some pathetic loser.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to reason with her, but her words seemed to hit a nerve. Feeling annoyed, I tried to push past her to get to the back porch.
But she stopped me and grabbed my hand. “Forget her and let me show you a good time. You’re young and you’re in college. Now’s the time to really live and have fun! Why are you pining after someone who’s clearly not interested in you, or else she’d be here celebrating with you?”
Her comments pissed me off and I wanted to ditch her so I could call Chloe. Suddenly, one of my new frat brothers, Tyler, came up from behind and slapped me heartily on the back. He shoved a tall glass filled with a strange murky-colored liquid into my hand. “Yo, man, taste this shit! It’ll give you a killer buzz!”
“I’m game!” The redhead grabbed the glass from me and took a swig before I could stop her. She handed it back to Tyler who drank about half of it before passing the glass back to me. I didn’t want to look like a dud in front of my new frat bro, so I took the glass and gulped down the rest.
It smelled terrible and tasted even worse. “What was that shit?” I coughed and tried not to gag.
He shrugged. “Who knows? Who cares? Kyle made it in the chem lab when the professor wasn’t watching!” Tyler laughed.
Tyler wasn’t joking, the homemade brew hit me hard and the room was already starting to spin. And when my cell phone in my hand started to ring, I had forgotten I was even holding it.
Before I could step away to answer the call, Tyler grabbed the phone from my hand and looked at the screen. “Who’s
Chloe Sinclair?”
The redhead between us cackled. “That must be the non-girlfriend he’s pining over! Let me guess, she calls and you come running like a love-sick puppy? Meanwhile she’s not even putting out for you. Am I right?”
I knew this crazy girl’s words weren’t true, but it was hard to not let them affect me. “It’s not like that,” I said through gritted teeth as I tried to grab my phone back from Tyler.
Tyler laughed as he stumbled back a step to avoid my reach. “Dude, I think this chick’s right. You’re whipped, aren’t you?”
“Come on, bro.” Even in my drunken haze, I knew reasoning with someone who was clearly wasted was pointless.
“Let me talk to her. I’ll tell her you’ve found a real woman who can actually fuck!” The redhead took the phone from Tyler and before I could stop her, she pressed answer.
In a state of panic, I finally grabbed the phone from them, but they had already hit answer and I could hear Chloe’s voice coming through the line.
“Hello? Jax?”
“Hey. Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?” I tried to play it cool.
“Are you free to talk? Something’s happened recently, and it’s all my fault. I really need you right now.” Her words came out in the tremble.
As the room started to sway around me, I couldn’t quite understand what she was talking about, but I felt like something was wrong. She sounded so fragile and vulnerable. All I wanted to do was go to her and hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay.
But I couldn’t. My body stopped listening to me. The alcohol inside me had worked its way through my system and I was feeling really sick. I dropped to the floor to sit down, hoping it’d stop the room from moving so much. As my head swirled, I knew there was no way I could go anywhere. I also knew there was no way I was going to get up from this floor anytime soon.
I wanted to say something to comfort Chloe, but I noticed that Tyler and the redhead had attracted a crowd from the party and they were all listening in now.
“Hello? Jax, did you even hear what I said?”