by Jessica Wood
I was silent as tears welled up in my eyes as I listened to his apology. While a part of me wanted to stay angry with him, I knew it wasn’t worth our friendship. I had been upset with Jackson for breaking his promise to visit me for my birthday. I had been upset with him for neglecting me and not returning my calls or texts. But what was the point in staying angry with him after he’d just apologized? What else did I want him to do? Not enjoy his time in college? Not date girls but stay single and miserable? Not be out having fun, getting drunk, and being happy? None of that would make sense. He was my best friend. It wasn’t his fault that I hadn’t made many friends in college. It wasn’t his fault that I felt lonely and miserable. And it definitely wasn’t his fault that I felt guilty for ruining the rest of Charlie’s life and causing Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom to sell their house.
Mistaking my silence for anger, Jackson continued, “Clo, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I broke my promise and stood you up on your birthday. I really feel awful about that. I never called you or texted you back when I promised I would. And even when you told me that you needed to talk to me because something was wrong, I still didn’t give you the time and attention you needed and deserved. I’ve been the worst friend to you, and I’m really sorry. I—”
“Jax,” I finally cut him off. “You don’t have to explain. I know you’re just enjoying your freshman year, and I’m really happy to know that everything’s been going well for you. But the problem is, things haven’t been going well for me recently, and you haven’t been around to be my best friend to even know anything that’s been happening. So even though I’m upset that you didn’t show up to my birthday, what I’m more upset about is the fact that you haven’t been around for me to even talk to. I really needed a friend during the past few weeks and you weren’t there.”
“Clo…I don’t even know what to say. I’m a fucking asshole and I treated you like shit. I’d just been so caught up with everything with the fraternity and being in college, I completely took you for granted and neglected our friendship. I’m so sorry. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you. But if you can forgive me for being such a dumbass, can you tell me what’s been happening? I’m all ears.”
My lips curled into a small smile as I considered making Jackson squirm and grovel a little bit longer. But my need to tell him about Charlie and the all-consuming guilt I’d felt won out.
So I told him about what happened on my birthday, about the blizzard, about Aunt Betty’s suggestion that we’d reschedule due to the bad weather, about how I guilt-tripped them to come see me anyway, and about the accident and Charlie’s resulting paralysis.
When I got to the part about Charlie, Jackson interrupted my story. “Clo, that’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known any of that was going to happen. You can’t blame yourself for everything. You can’t think that any of this is your fault, because it’s not.”
Tears fell down my face as I finally heard what I’d been waiting to hear from him. “But if it wasn’t for me, it wouldn’t have happened…”
“Clo, don’t do this to yourself. If you use that kind of logic, you can say it was my fault for standing you up that caused you to insist that they drive to see you that day, you can say it was Aunt Betty’s fault for not being more firm about not traveling because of the weather, you can even say it was Charlie’s fault for not wearing a seat belt and not being more careful while driving.” He sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, we can spend all day blaming someone for what happened, but the truth is, bad things happen and we can’t predict the future to know what will happen next. You can’t beat yourself up over something you didn’t want to happen.”
“Thanks, Jax…I really needed that.” I wished he were there with me at that very moment. I wished he were just next door like old times so I could go see him and give him a hug.
Then the events of last night flashed before my eyes and I cringed at the thought of what I had done. “Jax, so something happened last night.” I suddenly felt nervous about admitting to what had happened last night.
“What is it?” I could hear the anxiety in his voice.
“So I was really upset last night and I went out and…I met a guy, and we had a little too much to drink…and we ended up hooking up and…”
“Clo, can I stop you right there?” he cut me off.
“Uh. Okay?” I wasn’t sure why he interrupted me. Did he know something I didn’t? Did he somehow know? I thought irrationally, feeling panic prickle against my skin.
“I think it’s great you’re out enjoying college and letting loose. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about having some fun in the middle of what’s been going on with Charlie. We’re best friends, Clo. I’m going to be there for you, but maybe we don’t have to tell each other every single thing that happens to us?” He then chuckled, but it sounded forced and out of place. “Meeting new people and sleeping around happens. Maybe we don’t need to share every graphic detail about our conquests?”
“But…” I wanted to tell him that wasn’t why I was telling him about last night.
“Clo, We’re both single, and sleeping around is just a part of the whole college experience. Casual sex is not a big deal. These are our experimental years. These are the years we’re suppose to make those silly mistakes and grow from them. I’ve had my fair share of fun, but I doubt you want me to go into the details of those escapades. So maybe we can spare each other the possible awkwardness, and agree to just not get into the details of our sex lives?”
“Oh. Okay. That’s fine.” I wasn’t sure why, but his words stung. Was it because he didn’t give me a chance to hear what I had to say? Was it because he was okay with me sleeping around, and maybe even encouraging it? Or was it because he just told me he was having his fair share of casual sex?
I didn’t know what it was, but his words rubbed me the wrong way. So after a few more minutes of catching up and talking about what classes we were taking, I lied and said I was tired and had an early morning class and needed to get ready for bed.
It was only eight-thirty, and I wasn’t at all tired. But after I got off the phone, I laid in bed in silence thinking about what he’d said, and at some point I fell asleep.
***
I wasn’t sure how long I had been out, but my phone suddenly rang, waking me up. I grabbed the phone, thinking it might be Jackson again.
But it wasn’t. I frowned at a number I didn’t recognize, but decided to answer in case it might have been the hospital where Charlie was staying.
“Hello?”
“Miss Chloe,” came an unfamiliar voice on the other line. “My name is Madam Celine and I just received a call from an extremely happy client. He gave me your information and asked if he could book another appointment with you.”
“He did?” I was flabbergasted. Part of me felt flattered, part of me felt insulted, and all of me felt oddly excited.
“I would like to extend an invitation to be a part of my escort agency. If you decide to accept the invitation, I am prepared to offer you premium perks.”
My instinct was to hang up and throw away Michael’s number, but then my eyes landed on the marks on the wall next to my bed that showed the progress of how tall Charlie had grown as a child, and I hesitated. I knew right then that Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom couldn’t lose this house; there were too many memories here. It was too important. Despite what Jackson said, if they lost this house, it would be all because of me. It would be my fault.
I knew I had to find a way to help them keep this house and maybe this was it. I listened to her offer and when she was done, all I could see was how much money this would all mean, and how much easier everything would be for Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom if we had all this money. Still, I told her I needed time to think about it.
“You have twenty-four hours to consider my offer and then we’ll need to arrange a different escort to accompany Mr. Davison.” Madam Celine said matter-of-factly and the line went dead.
&n
bsp; I lay awake half the night, tossing and turning as I tried to decide what to do. It had made me feel so cheap and dirty when I found that money on the night stand and discovered Michael had thought I was an escort. Still, I had felt ashamed of myself since I ruined the lives of the amazing people who loved and raised me, so what was a little more self-loathing?
The only thing that might make me feel better was to right the wrong I had committed and pay off their hospital bills. Making three grand in one night sure was a quick way to do that, and it wasn’t all bad. I didn’t want to admit to it, but it had been sort of fun pretending to be someone else—someone who didn’t have any problems or guilt, someone who was sexy, powerful, and uninhibited. Plus, after a few drinks, it had been easy to enjoy the uncomplicated, no-strings-attached sex and make Michael think I’d wanted him as much as he’d wanted me.
The one thing I knew for sure was if I decided to accept this offer, no one must know. I couldn’t tell Aunt Betty or Uncle Tom. I couldn’t tell anyone at school. And most importantly, I couldn’t tell Jackson. I cringed at the thought of what he’d think of me if he found out. He’d grown up with money. Would he even understand how I felt right now? Would he even understand how much I was willing to give up and sacrifice to make sure Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom didn’t sell the house? I wasn’t sure he would. I was sure that he would never look at me the same way again. I was sure that he would break his promise to marry me.
But the thought of possibly losing Jackson if I accepted this offer made my heart ache so much that I felt a need to tell him everything. This was a moment when I needed my best friend more than ever. Maybe I should tell him about what happened the other night and about Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s money problems. Maybe I should tell him everything. Would he understand that I need to take this offer? I looked over at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It was three in the morning. He was probably already asleep. I’ll call him first thing in the morning.
***
As soon as my eyes opened the next day, I picked up my phone and called Jackson.
To my surprise, he didn’t answer his phone. A woman did.
“Is Jackson there?” I asked, wondering if I dialed the wrong number.
“Yeah, Jackson’s here. He’s just getting out of the shower.” She giggled. “Hold on.” I could hear lots of rustling in the background.
“Hello?” came Jackson’s voice on the line.
“Hey, Jax. It’s me.”
“Hey, Clo.” I heard him draw in a sharp intake of breath. “I’m kind of busy right now. Can I call you back later?” He sounded out of breath and I wondered if I had interrupted more than just a shower.
“I’m not sure I can wait for another no-call from you,” I retorted. “This will just take a minute.” I was surprised by my own words, but I wasn’t letting him hang up on me again and then never to call me back. With only twenty-four hours to decide what to do, I needed to talk to him about this now. I needed my best friend.
“Okay, but make it fast,” he urged under his breath. “I have a friend over.”
His comment stung a bit, but I decided to brush it off. Now came the hard part. I hadn’t actually thought about what I’d say to him, or how I’d bring it up. But now there was no more time to think through that anymore.
Taking a deep breath for courage, I asked, “So the guy I got drunk with and slept with the other night? I’d never met him before, and I don’t have feelings for him. But it all happened so fast, and—”
“Clo, I’m sorry, but I really can’t talk right now. And like I said last night, sleeping around is just a part of the whole college experience. It’s not a big deal. Don’t be so serious all the time, Clo. You don’t need to be telling me about every guy you sleep with, and to be honest, I really don’t want to know.”
“But…”
“Look, I don’t want to sound like an ass, but in high school, we never really talked to each other about the people we dated. You’d never seemed to like it when I talked about the girls I hooked up with, so I stopped telling you. And now, I kind of feel the same way. I don’t really need to hear about the guys you’re hooking up with. It doesn’t mean we’re not best friends or I don’t care about you any less.”
“So you’re saying you’re okay with and won’t judge me for sleeping around with guys that I had no feelings for?” I asked with an edge of annoyance, feeling hurt by the matter-of-fact tone of his words to me.
“No, of course I won’t judge you. There’s nothing wrong with having some fun in college. You worry too much, Clo; you always have. From what you told me last night, I think you going out and having some fun and letting loose a bit will be good for you. Don’t be so stressed out all the time.”
I thought back to the last few times I’d tried to call him and realized that he was definitely having plenty of fun in college. So why did I feel so bad after sleeping with that guy? I didn’t know he thought I was an escort. And why does that even really matter? It was clear that Jackson was sleeping around with girls—that Tyler guy said he was having a threesome with two girls the other night. If he could have no-strings-attached sex, why couldn’t I? Jackson had made it clear that we were both single and didn’t need to answer to anyone. So why did I feel the need to get Jackson’s approval? Had he ever asked for mine?
“Clo? Are you still there?” Jackson’s voice broke through my thoughts, suddenly sounding concerned for the first time since we’ve been talking on the phone. That’s just too little and too late.
“Yeah, Jax. I’m still here. I’ve been wrestling with a big decision, but I think you’ve just made it a lot easier for me. So thanks for that. I hope you have a good rest of the day with your friend.”
“Is everything okay? Do you want me to come out there and we can talk?”
I was so confused by him and how he can switch so quickly from being an asshole to being my best friend. But I realized that it was too late. There was nothing he could say that would change my mind. He’d made it clear that college was a time for having fun, making mistakes, and experimenting. If he were to turn around and tell me we shouldn’t be sleeping around in college after he found out what I’d really called him, I’d know that he was just be lying to me.
“No, Jax, you’ve told me everything I needed to hear. You don’t need to come down to see me. I’m fine. Go back to your girls and your fun. I’ll talk to you later.”
Before he had a chance to respond, I hung up on him. I felt a strange rush of confidence and conviction. I quickly pulled up another number before I could change my mind.
“Hello?”
“Madam Celine?
“Yes, speaking.”
“It’s Chloe.”
“Ahhh, Ms. Chloe. So have you decided?”
For a moment, I hesitated. Am I making the right decision here? As if to answer my question, I heard Jackson’s words ring in my head: “…sleeping around is just a part of the whole college experience. It’s not a big deal. Don’t be so serious all the time, Clo.” I thought back to the sheer tears of relief in Aunt Betty’s eyes when I gave her the envelope full of money yesterday, and I knew my answer.
“Yes. I’ll take the job,” I said boldly.
“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, love.” Her voice was as sweet and smooth as honey when she was happy. For the next half an hour, she went over everything I needed to know about being an escort—everything except how to live with the shame. When the conversation was over, I felt overwhelmed and numb as I walked into my bathroom and turned on the shower. As the hot water hit my naked body, I slumped down onto the floor, sat under the unyielding downpour of water, and sobbed.
But even through the tears and fear, I was clear about one thing.
There was no turning back now. At this point, what Jackson or anyone else thought of me, or would think of me, wasn’t the most important thing to me. That wasn’t my priority anymore. My priority now was to do everything in my power to make sure my selfishness on my birthda
y didn’t ruin the lives of those I loved more than it already had. I was going to make sure Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom didn’t lose their house if it was the last thing I was going to do.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
December 2003
Nineteen Years Old
JACKSON
We were laying side by side in a meadow of tall grass and yellow wildflowers under a cloudless sky of perfect blue. I knew immediately where we were. It was one of our favorite spots to go together—the park with the small lake. It was the place we’d sealed our pact to marry each other with the love lock.
“I love you, Chloe. I always have,” I whispered to her as I stroked her face with my hand. My throat felt tight and dry with anticipation as I held my breath waiting for her response. If she didn’t say it back to me, I knew the pain would be more than I could bear.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me toward her. She beamed at me before kissing me with her sweet, soft lips. They tasted like honey and felt as soft as the petals of a delicate flower. As she gazed into my eyes, she whispered back, “I love you, too, Jax. I’ve just been waiting for you to say it.”
I felt my chest explode with happiness, and I wondered if she could hear how loud my heart was beating for her.
Then to my surprise, she unzipped her sweater and revealed her naked breasts to me. They were the most beautiful things I’d ever seen.
“Make love to me, Jax” she begged and I saw the need in her eyes. It was the same need that I’d carried inside me for as long. I wasted no time and bent my head forward to taste her breast in my mouth for the first time.
I was suddenly ripped from my dream by the blaring sounds of my alarm clock going off.
“Shut that damn thing off, baby,” the no-name brunette lying next to me groaned. She rolled over on top of me, squishing her enormous tits against my face as she pressed the button to silence the alarm. They practically smothered me, and I had to open my mouth, gasping for breath.