by Lee, Tara
I grip Charli’s hand tighter as my tears drip onto her arm.
“I need you to open your eyes, baby. We still have more time. No, we need more time. My future doesn’t exist. Not without you in it, baby.”
My shallow breathing is loud, but it still can’t be heard over the beeping. It’s reassuring and annoying at the same time. I don’t know what I’d do if the sound stopped.
I wrap both my hands around her cold ones, as if my energy will somehow convert into her and wake her.
“I know you didn’t get to see him, but our baby boy was beautiful. I made sure to pay attention to every detail, so I could tell you about him when you’re ready. I tried to do for him what you would do if you were awake. To count his little fingers and toes. To kiss his soft little cheeks. To rub his silky hair. To whisper in his tiny little ear how much his mommy and daddy love him and will miss him.
* * *
My head is bowed, resting on the edge of the mattress, praying. I know if Charli doesn’t wake up. This is it for me. I’ll never love again. I don’t even think I’ll survive.
Jensen walks back in slowly. I lift my head. The shocked look on his face, likes he’s seen a ghost, has me questioning what’s wrong.
“Jens?” I ask softly because he looks as if he might collapse
“We’re not blood.”
“What?”
“We’re… not blood,” He says again, sinking down onto the sofa in the corner of the room.
His hands run over his face, and he lets out an exasperated sigh.
I get up and place Charli’s hand softly on the bed after giving her palm a small kiss.
“What happened,” I ask Jensen. He’s silent, so I know it’s big.
He clears his throat. “Charli isn’t my sister.”
I look at him confused. “Um, yeah dude, she is.”
He shakes his head and stands to pace the room.
“Not according to the tests that came back. We don’t share the same DNA, which can only mean one thing. We’re not blood.”
“Shit.” I sigh. I look over at my girl. So, one of them is adopted. But which one?
“You know,” I say, placing my hand over his shoulder, “blood isn’t everything. I know that better than anyone. You and Charli have a bond. One that can’t be broken by a piece of paper and some test telling you otherwise.”
He nods, but I don’t think he’s hearing me right now. In time, I know he will. He loves Charli. I know that’s not going to change but finding out the truth has been hidden is hard. There’s nothing wrong with being adopted. It’s just a big thing to find out, especially when his sister is fighting for her life.
I can’t think about it anymore. I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to tell Charli what happened when she wakes up. How do I tell her she lost the baby? How do I explain they took some photos of him for us while she was out of it? That they took a family photo of me holding him next to his sleeping mama’s face? That he had her cute little nose and my lips? And that the nurse helped me get his handprints and footprints? And we need to fill out his death certificate? And that instead of planning a celebration of his birth, we have to plan a funeral for his death? How do I tell her any of that? She is going to hate that she missed seeing him. I rub my face with my hands. Jensen gets up.
“I’m going to go and leave you alone.”
“Jens, you don’t have to leave you can s—"
“I just want to be alone,” he says, cutting me off.
I nod, and he leaves Charli’s room.
Jensen isn’t coping well with this new information. I’m worried about him, but I need to be here for Charli.
I do the only logical thing I can think of.
I pull out my phone and call Carter. He answers on the third ring.
“Hey, is she awake?”
I shake my head, then remember he can’t see me.
I clear my throat. “No. No change.”
“Shit, bro. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. Listen, I need you to keep an eye on Jensen for me.”
“Okay, why what’s up?”
Other than the fact his sister lost his nephew, she’s in a coma and hasn’t shown any improvement since she went under, and he’s just found out there not blood?
“They're not blood related.”
“Huh?” he asked, confused.
“Jensen and Charli’s blood doesn’t match.”
“Oh shit. Seriously?”
“Yeah, Jensen is taking it pretty hard. I want to be there for him but—"
“You need to stay with Charli. Listen, I get it. You stay with her. We got this. I’ll get the guys, and we’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Thanks, bro.”
“Of course, man. We’re family. We watch out for each other.”
“Yeah.”
“How are you holding up?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer him, because what I felt was lost, hopeless, angry. I also felt helpless.
“Yeah good.”
I heard Carter’s intake of breath. I knew he wanted to tear me a new one for lying, because I was lying through my fucking teeth.
“Look, dude. I understand you want to stay strong for her. Just know we’re here for you, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later. take care of him for me, yeah?”
“Will do, bro. You just worry about your girl.”
He hangs up, leaving so much in the air because since Charli’s been unconscious, I haven’t really thought about my own emotions. I’ve been too worried about what she is going to feel.
* * *
I jolt awake in a panic. I must have fallen asleep. I look over at Charli. She looks peaceful. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her palm.
“Baby,” I choke out.
Tears fill my eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Charli,” it’s a whisper this time.
Nothing. Only silence except for the machines.
I’m going to lose her.
I hang my head and let the tears fall. My body shakes with emotion.
“Eli.”
I lift my head and wipe my eyes. Aria is in the doorway with a bouquet of roses in her hands.
“Hey.” I swallow.
She comes closer and places the flowers on the window seat. Then she makes her way to me. Wrapping her arms around me, she hugs me tightly. It surprises me. We’ve never hugged before. I actually thought she hated me.
“It’ll be okay. Charli’s tougher than she looks.” She wipes her own eyes.
I nod because I don’t know what to say.
“Look, Eli, I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. And we’re not going to become best friends and have lunch dates or anything. But you're marrying my best friend, and I know Charli would want us to get along. And you seem to be struggling.”
“I’m fine,” I bark. It comes out rougher then I want.
“Eli, you don’t have to be tough, okay. You can cry about this. It’s—"
“It’s what, Aria? Okay? Okay is that what you were going to say? Because it’s not fucking okay. I lost my son, and now I might lose Charli. I want everyone to stop telling me everything will be fine. Because it’s not.” I don’t mean to yell at her. But I’m just so angry.
“Just get out.”
She flinches when I scream at her again.
“Whoa, dude. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
Jensen comes in followed by Carter. He must have been on his way here already.
He has an angry look on his face. Maybe from me yelling at the woman he loves, but I don’t care. No one knows how I feel or what the fuck I’m going through. They can all pretend, but none of them have any idea.
“I think you need a break.”
I glare at Jensen. Was he fucking serious?
“Just take a walk. Get some fresh air. You’ve been in here for days, man. It’s getting to you,” Jenson’s voice is soft, pleading.
I shake my head.
“Look, if you don’t walk out of here, I’m dragging you out.”
I take Charli’s hand in mine. I’m not leaving here.
“I’m not leaving her,” I say stubbornly.
“Just for ten minutes, dude. It’s okay. We’ll take a short walk and be back before you know it.”
Carter places his hand on my shoulder. I peek up at him.
“I think Jensen’s right. Take a break. Aria and I will be here with her the whole time. She won’t be alone. I promise.”
I want to argue, but I know they’re right. I’m losing it, being cooped up in this room with no signs of change from Charli. It’s getting to me.
What if she never wakes up?
According to the doctor who came by before I fell asleep, she’ll have the transfusion tonight. So, the doctors are hopeful, but I’m not so positive. My life has always been shitty. How’s this any different?
I’d finally gotten my act together and stopped treating Charli like a doormat. I’d finally found love and happiness. And for it to be taken away from me in a heartbeat? How was that fair? What did I do in my life to deserve this?
Jensen is beside me now with his hand on my shoulder, helping me up.
I stoop down to Charli.
“I’ll be right back, baby. You rest.”
I kiss her lips, then place a soft kiss on her forehead.
This couldn’t be our end. There’s more to our story. There has to be.
7
Eli
JENSEN WALKS BESIDE ME slowly. He’s quiet. Probably scared of how pissed I might be that he forced me on this walk. He’s right, I do need some air. To clear my head.
I’m not coping well, and it’s obvious. Jensen is hurting too, but he didn’t just lose his baby and nearly lose the woman he loves. He loves Charli, and now has this new information to deal with where their relationship is concerned. But it isn’t the same. I’m a shell of a man. This is why many guys don’t do love. It hurts. It wrecks. It devastates. It’s probably why Jensen doesn’t look for it.
As we push through the glass doors, I’m already antsy. I shift my weight from side to side, fisting my hands so tight. I just want to get back to Charli.
“Talk bro. I’m here to listen,” Jensen finally breaks the silence.
I shoot him a glare. I really want him to butt out. I don’t want to talk about it. If I open that door, I’m not sure what will come flooding out. And I can’t afford to lose control of my emotions. Charli needs me.
“Dude, you need to talk about this. It's not healthy keeping it bottled up.”
“Since when did you grow a pussy, bro? Because last time I checked only girls talk about their feelings,” I scoff.
I wipe my face, letting out a sigh.
“Just because I want you to talk to me, doesn’t mean I’ve grown a pussy. Guys can talk, bro.”
He sounds like Charli. It’s totally something she would tell me.
“It’s ok to say how you feel. I mean shit, I'm fucking scared out of my damn mind. I'm barely keeping it together. If I was you, I'd be in a fucking heap on the floor. You’re way stronger then I'd ever be, bro.”
A harsh chuckle escapes as I shake my head.
“I’m fine,” I bark.
“You don’t sound fine, Eli.”
“Fuck. What do you want me to say, man? That I’m fucking heartbroken, fucking gutted? That I’m scared out of my damn mind that Charli won’t wake up? That I'll lose her forever? That I'll never hold her again? That I feel fucking helpless because I can't help her? Is that what you want me to say?”
Tears fill me eyes, but I continue, “That I’m fucking scared to tell her that the baby she has carried and loved and nurtured for the last eight fucking months is gone? Just gone, like he’s lost, and we’ll find him later. How the fuck do I tell her?” I scream.
I crumble to the ground, my entire body shaking. People stop and stare. I don’t care. Jensen wraps my arms around me and comforts me.
Jensen cries with me.
“I can’t lose her,” I whisper. It comes out as a sob.
“I know, bud. I can’t either.” He sniffs.
I look up at him.
“I won’t survive if I do. I won’t, Jensen. If I lose Charli, I’ll leave to be with her.”
“Dude, don't talk like that. Charli wouldn’t want you to do that.”
I wipe my eyes and take deep breaths.
“I know. She’d slap me for even thinking about it.”
“Yeah, I think she’d kick your ass.” He chuckles
I smirk, but it doesn’t last. My mind is back on everything that’s wrong.
“What if she doesn’t wake up? What if the blood transfusion doesn’t help? What if we have to…”
I drop my head because I don’t want to say the worst-case scenario.
“It won’t come to that,” Jensen vows.
“Can I go back now,” I beg.
He nods and helps me up.
We make our way back to Charli’s room. Aria and Carter glance up at us when we walk in. Things look awkward between them. But I can’t think about them now.
I nod at Carter. He smiles then his eyes flick back to Aria, who’s sitting by Charli’s bedside, holding her hand.
I sink in the chair on her other side. Gently, I lift her hand and kiss her palm.
Silence fills the room. The machines taunt us.
She needs to wake up. No, she has to wake up.
Dr. Watson enters the room. He looks at us all and smiles.
“We’re going to take Charli to do the transfusion. We’re optimistic it will help her. Then we should be able to bring her out of this.”
I let out a breath along with everyone else.
“It’s going to be a rough ride for her. She’s been under a few days now. And even though it’s going to be hard, we have to try not to stress her. She will still need her rest. A lot of it.”
He looks away from me as he takes a deep breath.
“She needs to know she lost the baby. You can’t keep that from her. But try to break it to her as gently as you can. She’s going to feel a lot of emotions all at once. And she’s going to blame herself. Of course, there’s no reason for her to blame herself. Sometimes these things just happen. Unfortunately, it wasn’t something we discovered early enough to fix, not without putting her at the risk of dying.”
I nod at him and thank him. Everyone exits the room, leaving me alone with my love. Nurses come and begin the process of preparing her for the transfusion. When they take her, Jensen comes back to wait with me. It’s going to be a long road ahead.
* * *
They bring Charli back hours later. She still hasn’t woken up, but she’s doing better. Her color is better. Jensen tries to get me to go have a shower and clean up. But I refuse to leave just in case she wakes up. I don’t want her to wake and me not be there.
I know I’m starting to look worse for wear, with the scruff and oily hair. But I can’t find it in myself to care. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the change of clothes Jensen brought me each day, I’d still be in the blood-stained ones from that night. I rest my head on the mattress next to her stomach, her hand cradled in mine. I’m trying to sleep when a light knock on the door sounds. I don’t open my eyes.
“Come in,” Jensen says softly.
“Hey, Parker,” Jensen’s boss, Cameron says.
“Hey.”
“How’s she doing?”
“A lot better,” Jensen answers. Glad he thinks so. I don’t see it yet. A little better. Not a lot.
“Your brother-in-law?”
I can’t see the look that passes between them, since I’m pretending to be asleep. I really should be asleep. I’ve barely slept since Charli’s been in the hospital.
“How are you holding up, bud?” the doctor asks Jensen.
He sighs.
“I honestly don’t know.” Silence swells in the room.
“I’m glad she’s going to be ok. I just hate to thin
k about what she has to face when she wakes, you know?” Jensen mutters softly.
“She’s going to need you. They both are,” the doctor says.
“I know.”
“But you need to talk to someone, son.”
“I'm fine.”
I should feel bad for eavesdropping on their conversation. But I can’t find it in me to feel anything but grief and fear.
“How are you dealing with this adoption news?”
Jensen doesn’t answer immediately.
Finally, he says, “Fuck. I don’t know, man. I don’t even know which one of us is adopted. And I may never know. I think that’s what really scares me.”
“Look, Jens, you either have to talk to someone about this or let it go. I mean there’s nothing wrong with being adopted.”
“I know, but I hate that we were lied to. Why didn’t they just tell us? I mean fuck, why didn’t Nana?”
“Maybe they would’ve if they hadn’t been killed. And maybe your Nana felt like you didn’t need to know. Like it wasn’t her place to tell you. You need to let this go, son.”
Jens chuckles. He’d never accept one of us calling him son. Though his boss I think his is only like forty, he’s like a mentor to Jens.
“Have I ever thanked you?” Jens suddenly asks.
"You succeeding is thank you enough.”
“Pansy,” Jens teases.
“Pussy,” he says back.
Rustling sounds indicate the doctor is about to leave.
"Look, if you need some time off, I can swing that for you. All you need to do is promise me if things get too much, you’ll talk to me. If you can’t talk to me, at least talk to someone.”
I’m glad Jens has such a good guy as a boss. That’s my last thought before I drift off.
8
Eli
FINGERS STROKING MY HAIR wake me. Slowly, I open my eyes and lift my head up. My gaze lands on Charli. Her eyes are open. She’s staring at me, probably trying to figure out where she is.
“Baby, you're awake?” I practically lunge at her and hold her as close to me as I can. Tears spill down my cheeks.