by Ali Parker
“You seem very down,” she added. “I know your job gets rough when you lose a patient, but this isn’t like that.”
I nodded. “You know me too well.”
“So?” Skylar prompted when I didn’t continue. “What’s up?”
I sighed. “It’s been a rough week. Not just with work but with Ben.”
“That’s the last thing I expected to hear,” Skylar said. “A crush is never rough. What happened?”
The past couple of days had been so busy, I hadn’t had time to wrap my mind around everything, let alone share what was going on.
I explained to Skylar what had happened with the fire, how Ben had been called to a different task at the last minute and someone else had gotten hurt.
“He blames himself,” I said. “I get where he’s coming from, but I wish there’s something I can do to make him realize it’s not his fault. It’s really getting to him.”
A waitress arrived and took our order. I ordered the first thing I saw on the menu, not taking the time to figure out what I wanted. What I wanted wasn’t on the menu.
“He seems like a very solid guy,” Skylar said when the waitress left.
“He is.”
“Most people would be all too happy to let someone else take the fall. I know this is a lot more literal, but then at least they would say ‘thank God it wasn’t me.’ He seems to care for people.”
I nodded. Ben cared for people in the same way I cared for people. I hadn’t ever found someone who thought about the world and about saving it the way I did. And here Ben was, cut from the very same fabric as I was. What were the odds?
“It doesn’t stop there,” I said. I told Skylar about Ben’s uncle and how he flew to New York to take care of things.
“That’s it? He’s gone?” Skylar asked.
I shook my head. “I think he’ll be back soon, but it’s not like it matters now. Nothing will happen between us after this.”
Skylar narrowed her eye at me. “You say that like there was a chance something could have happened before.”
I blushed. I hadn’t told Skylar what had happened between Ben and me in the cab that night. It felt like so long ago. A different life.
The waitress interrupted us, bringing our drinks while we waited for the food we’d ordered. When she was gone, I took a deep breath.
“On Saturday, when you and Jerrod went home early, Ben and I spent the night together drinking.”
“That part, I know about,” Skylar said. “Or at least, I assumed. What else did you do?”
I pulled up my shoulders. “He kissed me. Or maybe I kissed him. I can’t remember who moved first but it was definitely not one-sided. And it was amazing. Oh my god, Skylar. Everything about him is fantastic.”
Skylar’s eyes widened. “Fantastic, huh? You don’t just think it was the alcohol talking?”
I giggled and shook my head. “I know what a good kiss should be like, and that was definitely top shelf.” I blushed again, thinking about it. I still didn’t know where I stood with Ben regarding that kiss, but every time I thought about it, I could feel his lips on mine. The warmth that radiated from him was still in my skin, and heat washed through my body. Every. Time.
I had been drunk but not enough to forget it.
“Okay, this is what I want to know,” Skylar said. “You kissed the guy of your dreams—the kiss you’ve been fantasizing about for the past ten years—and you haven’t told me. Are you crazy?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “A lot happened since then. It was one emergency after the other.”
Skylar sniffed indignantly. “I’m offended.”
I giggled again. I know Skylar was just being full of shit. She lived for this kind of juicy gossip. After a moment, Skylar broke into a smile.
“I don’t think you can imagine how happy I am for you,” she said. “Seriously. This is the first step toward whatever else you were fantasizing with him!” She winked at me.
“You have such a dirty mind,” I said, feeling another blush coming on.
“You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Especially after?”
I covered my face with my hands for a moment. “Of course, I have,” I said. Skylar gave me a satisfied smirk. “But this thing with Ben, whatever it is, isn’t about sex.”
The waitress arrived with our food just as I said “sex.” She eyed me, and Skylar burst out laughing. When the food was on the table and the waitress left, Skylar shook her head, still chuckling. I picked up a fork and speared a piece of meat, sticking it in my mouth.
“Maybe you should say that louder,” Skylar said, smiling.
I rolled my eyes.
“You want to tell me,” Skylar carried on, “how you’re going to keep your sacred virginity intact? Come on, the guy is only an Adonis. The man from your dreams.”
“Stop it,” I said, blushing crimson. Skylar was the only one who knew I was still a virgin. I wasn’t like my friends, having sex for the sake of fucking. I wanted it to mean something. It wasn’t that I was saving it for marriage. I was just … saving it.
“You know I would if that’s what it came down to. But I don’t know where we’re at now. We haven’t even talked about the kiss and what it meant. Maybe it was just a drunken mistake, and it meant nothing at all. Now that so much has happened to him, and none of it good, I’m not going to expect him to think about petty overtures like that.”
Skylar laughed. “Listen to you. Overtures.”
I shrugged and looked around the dining room. Skylar could laugh about it and mock me all she wanted, but I wasn’t going to force something if the time wasn’t right. Ben had a lot going on that was all out of his control, and I wasn’t going to be unfair and force him to talk about something that was completely inconsequential. He had to take care of his situation, and I respected that.
“I just don’t think it’s fair to push him into something he’s not even thinking about right now. If it does go anywhere—wherever that may be—it has to be a two-way street.”
Skylar shook her head. “You know, for someone who’s had such little experience with men in general, and I’m talking about dating, not just sex, you’re damn wise.”
I laughed. “Thanks. But that so-called wisdom isn’t doing me any good. If I was so ‘damn wise,’ I would know how to handle this. If I thought I had feelings for him before, it’s crazy now. It went from a crush to me obsessing over what a stupid kiss could mean.” I scrubbed my hands down my face. “What am I supposed to do?”
Skylar sat back and thought about it for a moment.
“I hear what you’re saying about not letting it go anywhere because of where he’s at. I get that. I think right now, the best thing you can do is be there for him. Do what you’ve been doing until now.”
I nodded. Skylar was right. She very often was. It was why I went to her to talk about whatever I was battling with. Skylar had the ability to be completely objective about something, and that was rare.
Skylar started talking about other things, telling me about her day at work and her conquests. I nodded and smiled, making the right sounds in the right places, but I barely paid attention to anything she was saying. My mind was with Ben. I wondered what he was doing right now, where he was, and if he was okay. I thought about phoning or texting him to find out how he was coping, but I didn’t know if that would be right. I was nothing more than a friend, his best friend’s little sister. Even if I was there for him when he needed me, I couldn’t just push into a life where I didn’t belong.
I didn’t know what had happened between us, and I didn’t know where that kiss could have taken us. I would have liked to found out. I would have liked it very much. As Skylar had said, Ben had been the man of my dreams for a very long time. But with everything going on in his life, it didn’t matter what the potential was of a kiss that would probably never happen again. Our relationship wouldn’t be any more than friendship now. It was best not to fuss over what might have been and accept th
e inevitable.
I had managed to curb my emotions for him a long time ago, accepting that we just weren’t destined to be together.
I was sure I could do it again.
Chapter 13
Ben
My trip to New York was quick. There wasn’t much I could do other than making sure the business ran the way it was supposed to and offering my condolences to Penny. Uncle Dean had taken care of her in the event of his death, so other than making sure she was all right, there hadn’t been anything I could do. Uncle Dean’s lawyers were still working on his estate, and everything else had come to a standstill without the sole owner of the company.
Going home had been the only other option.
By Saturday, I was back in Portland, and I felt like I’d been hit by a train. I had to carry on with my life here until there was any news about the will, about what was going to happen to the company and everything else that Uncle Dean had left behind.
I dialed Mila’s number and waited for her to take the call or get her voice mail. I wasn’t sure if she was at the hospital today or not.
“Yeah?” she answered. She sounded like she’d been sleeping.
“Did I wake you?” I asked.
“Ben? Oh my god. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “I’m back in Portland, and I was wondering if you want to come to dinner with me. Tonight.”
“I’d love to,” she said without hesitating, and warmth spread through my chest. I was worried Mila wanted nothing to do with me after the mess I had been the past couple of days. Who wanted to deal with all the baggage I was dragging around with me right now?
“I’ll pick you up at seven,” I said before we ended the call.
When I picked Mila up, she was a sight for sore eyes if I’d ever seen one. It wasn’t just because she looked stunning in a white summer dress that traced her curves and made her look like an angel. It was so good to see someone familiar, someone I didn’t have to put a face on for. When I had been in New York, I’d been reminded of the act I had put on for so long.
“How were things in New York?” Mila asked when we drove to the restaurant.
“It was horrible,” I admitted. “Everything was exactly the same, and everything was different. I don’t know why this company has such a shitty fate with both partners passing away. I have no idea what the next step is.”
“I’m sorry it’s been hard for you,” Mila said.
“Thank you. But tonight, all I want to do is to forget about everything back in the city and focus on the here and now.”
Mila smiled at me, a smile that could wipe away all my worries. “Then, that’s exactly what we’ll do.”
I took her to the same restaurant we had gone to when we’d had lunch together. The sun was setting by the time we arrived there, and it was beautiful, the sky colored in streaks of orange and gold and the ocean a deep gray. Clouds were building in the distance, making the sunset that much more spectacular.
“Do you think it’s going to rain?” Mila asked when we walked in.
“I hope so,” I said. “I love the rain.”
We managed to get a table close to the window again. I loved being able to look out at the view while we ate.
“I want to thank you,” I said to Mila after we’d ordered our drinks.
“Thank me? For what?” Mila asked.
“Everything. You’ve been so good to me the last couple of days, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support. It means a lot to me. You’ve been my rock through all of this.”
Mile smiled. “You’re very welcome. If anyone understands how hard life can get when people pass away and emergencies happen, it’s me.”
“But you don’t only understand, you reach out.”
Mila was still smiling, and it was beautiful. I had needed her to know how much it meant to me that she was being so wonderful.
The rest of the night was calm and relaxed. We talked about trivial things, avoiding the emergencies and the pain and the loss that had happened all around us lately. The conversation was amazing, the food was great, and we started drinking. There was much to be celebrated, like us being together and that we were still healthy and safe. That counted for something.
As the night dragged on, the alcohol I consumed burned through my veins, putting everything that had been on my mind the last while on a shelf for me to come back to later. I felt light and airy, and I knew Mila felt the same. She was slowly getting tipsy, and I had realized lately that it was my favorite kind of night. Slow and easy.
When we finally paid the bill and left the restaurant, we stopped at the door. The rain was coming down in sheets. Even though we had been sitting close to the window, I hadn’t noticed it start to rain. I had been completely caught up in Mila and how good the familiarity felt.
“We’re going to get so wet,” Mila said.
“I like wet,” I whispered with my lips almost against Mila’s ear. She turned her eyes to me, her cheeks a little flushed.
“I’ll have you know, I’m not that kind of woman,” she said with a giggle. I laughed, grabbed her hand, and we ran through the rain to my car. I was lucky I hadn’t drank more than I had. No damn way I’d drive if I were over the limit.
By the time we reached the car, we were drenched.
“This weather is crazy,” Mila said when lightning zigzagged across the sky and thunder followed on its heels.
We made it back to Mila’s apartment. The rain had made it a little harder to drive, but it felt like we were enclosed in a bubble with the rain showering down all around us, and I loved it.
“Let me walk you inside,” I said when I stopped in front of Mila’s building. “You could slip and fall in this.”
“Then, I’ll have a handsome fireman to save me,” she said with a cute smile. She was cute and sexy and beautiful and fun all in one go, and I couldn’t believe it was possible for one woman to be so perfect without even trying.
We jumped out into the rain and ran to the front door of the building. Mila unlocked it, and we finally got out of the rain. We were already running, and inside, Mila started up the stairs. I followed her. She moved gracefully up the stairs, her body swaying before me, and I was mesmerized.
When we reached her floor, she unlocked her door and invited me in. Now that we were safe and no longer in the rain, I noticed her dress. The white material was see-through now that it was wet, and it showed her underwear and her taut, hot body. My dick was immediately hard in my pants, and I couldn’t help myself. I let my instincts take over. I stepped to Mila, pressing her against the wall. I hesitated only a moment, letting her stop me if it wasn’t what she wanted. But her eyes were on my lips, and I lowered them to her mouth, kissing her hard.
Her arms moved around my neck, and I pressed my hips against hers, grinding myself slowly against her. Mila gasped into my mouth. My hands were in her hair, our bodies grinding against each other, her white dress slowly riding up, revealing her beautiful legs. I reached down and put my hand on her bare thigh. Her skin was clammy and cool to the touch, but the rest of her body was searing hot. I wanted so much more. I wanted her on her back, her wet dress and underwear on the floor. The alcohol in my body had erased the line I knew I shouldn’t have crossed. I wanted to be on top of her, inside of her. I wanted her so badly, it ached.
Which was wrong, I suddenly realized. With everything that was going on in my life right now, I couldn’t bring her into it. I didn’t even know what my own future would be now that Uncle Dean had passed away, never mind offer a future to Mila.
I broke the kiss. Mila was breathing hard.
“What’s wrong?” she asked with a frown. Maybe it was all over my face.
“We shouldn’t do this,” I said, stepping away from her. I felt the absence of her body acutely. “I’m sorry.”
“Ben, don’t do this,” Mila said. She lifted her hand, reaching for my face. I wanted her to touch me so badly, but if I let her touch me, my resolve would cru
mble and I would take her anyway. I couldn’t afford my need for her get in the way and stop me from doing the right thing.
“I’m sorry, Mila,” I said again. The look on her face was awful. “I had a great time tonight. Thank you for that.”
I stepped toward the door.
“You’re just going to leave me like this?” she asked.
I wanted to ask, “What? Horny? In love? Wet and confused?” But if I asked her and she answered me, I would only feel worse. I might consider following through, and I couldn’t afford that. Because the moment I slept with her, I wouldn’t be able to walk away from her.
And what if I had no choice?
“I’ll see you around,” I said to Mila, the way we always said bye to each other. But this time, it came across as a rebuke, and Mila winced. I felt like shit, but I opened the door and stepped out, closing it behind me.
She didn’t follow me. She didn’t call me back. She didn’t ask me to stay. A part of me deflated about that. I would have done as she asked, so it was good that she didn’t.
I followed the stairs back to the lobby, stepped out into the rain, and didn’t bother running to my car. When I closed the car door, once again out of the rain, I looked up at the windows. Which one was Mila’s? There were a few lights on in the windows. I hated how she had looked at me when I told her I was leaving
But it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t bring her into my life like this, not when I was surrounded by tragedy. It wouldn’t be fair to her. Mila deserved so much more.
Besides, Jerrod would quite possibly kill me if I got involved with his sister. It was just better that I didn’t go into that at all. It was easier to avoid something that hadn’t happened than fix a mess when I was already in it.
Not that I could ever see Mila as a mess, but there it was. I was doing the right thing.
Even if I felt absolutely shitty about it.
I turned the ignition and pulled into the road, careful in the rain. The last thing I needed was to get into an accident on top of everything else. Although, I doubted a car wreck would make me feel as shitty as I felt now.