by Ali Parker
I had never felt like this about anyone. It was hard to wrap my mind around what I was feeling. When I had brushed her off before I’d left, I had been sure I was doing the right thing. There had been too much chaos in my life. There still was. I had no idea what was happening with the investigation, and there was so much in New York I still had to take care of. And Mila’s life was here. She wouldn’t up and come to New York with me. I could ask, but I knew what the answer would be.
But still, despite every reason why we couldn’t be together, I wanted to be with her. It was a chance I wanted to take, even though I knew that if I lost her because of any of the things that were going on in my life, I would never forgive myself.
“Morning, sweetheart,” my mom said when I walked into the kitchen. “Help yourself to whatever you feel like. I bought cereal just now, and there’s fresh coffee in the machine.”
I hadn’t had cereal in years. I took out a bowl from the cabinet under the kettle, where it had always been and poured cereal and milk into it. When I sat down at the kitchen table, my mom sat down with her coffee.
“How was last night?”
“It was great,” I said. I thought about Mila when I said it, although I knew my mom was asking about hanging out with Jerrod.
“I’m so glad you can manage to keep your friendships going despite the distance. That’s not easy to do. It was one of the reasons I never left.”
I nodded. In a way I understood it. My mom hadn’t gone to New York with my dad because he had been okay with choosing work over her, and that was no foundation for a relationship. But she had Miranda here and leaving a best friend was the hardest thing to do. Plus, my mom had me to consider, and I had been happy, too. My life had been here, and it still was.
“How is Mila doing?” my mom asked. I froze. Why was she asking? What did she know?
“What do you mean?” I asked. My heart hammered in my chest. I didn’t know how my mom or Mila’s parents would feel if they found out about what was going on between us but seeing that Jerrod would be pissed off about it, I couldn’t imagine they would be too happy. Until Mila and I figured everything out, I wanted to keep it under wraps. It was between us right now; the world didn’t need to know.
“There was a terrible accident this week, and Miranda told me Mila has been working herself to the bone. I worry about how hard she’s been working, lately. It’s good to have passion, but she can work herself to death.”
I breathed out in relief. My mom didn’t know anything.
“I didn’t know about the accident,” I said. “She looked stressed last night, but she was making a point of having a good time, so I think she’s looking after herself.”
“That’s good,” my mom said. “She’s a sweet girl.”
She was, indeed.
“What are your plans for today?” she asked.
“I don’t know yet. I think I’ll head out and see a few people while I’m here.”
My mom nodded. “Just let me know if you’re eating here tonight, or not.”
I agreed, and my mom left me to my cereal. I was glad. My thoughts were on Mila, and I wanted to sit alone, rather than force myself not to be distracted.
After breakfast, I phoned Mila. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I needed to see her.
“Can we meet up later today?” I asked, relieved that she’d answered. I’d had more of a chance this time, though.
“I have plans with my parents,” she said. “We’ve been planning this for a while.”
“How about dinner tomorrow night, then?” I asked. I had to talk to her. I had to be in her presence, even if just for a little while.
“I’m working a double shift tomorrow. It’s rough at the hospital, at the moment.”
Was she trying to avoid me?
“How about Wednesday?” she asked. “I have the evening off and no double.”
I smiled. She wasn’t avoiding me. “That works for me.” Even though I would have to wait. At least I would get to see her. I thought about what my mom had said about the accident and the influx of patients as a result.
“How are you doing? Are you okay working as hard as you are?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m alright,” Mila said. She sounded surprised. “Thank you for asking.”
“Of course. I know that your job is important to you, and I had a taste of the worry you must be dealing with when the firefighters were in the hospital. I can’t imagine dealing with the emotion every day.”
“I’m not as personally involved with them all as you were,” Mila pointed out. “But it’s harder at the moment than usual. I’ll get through it, though.”
“I know you will. You’re strong.”
We spoke a little longer about the firefighters. Two of them – Luke and Steve – had been sent home. Jonas was out of ICU and would eventually go home, too. I would swing by and see him before I left for New York again.
When the accident happened, it had been an emergency. A warehouse fire had gotten out of control, and every fire station within reach had been called out. I should have gone up into the warehouse to check for civilians with Luke and Steve, but my boss had called me back at the last moment, and Jonas had gone instead, getting injured badly. I had felt so guilty about him nearly losing his life. Mila was the one that had gotten me through it, making me realize that it wasn’t my fault and that I couldn’t keep blaming myself.
I still felt bad that they had gotten hurt. I still checked up on them and made sure they were okay, but I didn’t beat myself up about it anymore.
Mila had been the rock for me through it. Now that I knew his injuries weren’t my fault, and I was in a good space about that, I wanted to be there for Mila the way she had been there for me. She was so selfless, and that deserved to be rewarded. She deserved for someone to be there for her the way she seemed to be there for everyone else.
“I have to go,” Mila said after we had spoken about small things, catching up. “I need to get ready.”
“I’ll see you soon,” I said, and we ended the call. I could have talked to her for hours. She was the type of person that I could talk about anything with. No matter how deep or trivial.
I had to wait three days before seeing her. She was going to be on my mind the entire time, I knew it. And I didn’t mind in the least.
When I headed out, I ran into Jerrod who had just pulled into my mom’s driveway.
“Good, you’re here,” Jerrod said. “I’m here to pick you up.”
“Where are we going?”
“To kick a ball somewhere. I need to get out of that restaurant. I’m starting to recite the menu in my sleep.”
I wondered why Jerrod wasn’t with his parents like Mila was. I had thought it was a family thing.
In the car, our usual brotherly relationship was strained. Jerrod put on the radio and sang along to a song that came on. I looked out of the window. I hadn’t wanted to come with him, but I would never have said no in the past, and I had said I was here to catch up with everyone. Besides, how did I explain to Jerrod why things were awkward between us? I couldn’t let him find out about Mila and me.
Jerrod was my best friend, and we had always talked about everything, including the girls we were after. I wanted to tell him about this one, about the girl I was in love with. I wanted to tell him that I thought there were stars in her eyes, that she was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen, and when I thought about being with her, I thought about making love and not fucking.
I wanted to talk about what had already happened between us and ask Jerrod if he’d ever felt this way. And if he had, how he’d handled it.
But I couldn’t talk to my best friend about this because Mila was his little sister, and if he found out that we had something going on, he was going to lose his shit. I knew how Jerrod had felt about other guys Mila had been with. Even when it hadn’t been serious at all, he had been protective over her. Telling him what was going on would do no good. It would
only piss him off and ruin our friendship.
After everything I’d already lost, I didn’t want to lose my best friend, too.
So, instead of talking to him about everything I felt, I had to bite my tongue and pretend that everything was fine. I had to be the friend I’d always been. Even though I had changed completely.
Chapter 29
Mila
On Monday, back at work, I was as busy as I had been the previous week. A lot of the patients were no better despite the time that had passed. I had relaxed over the weekend, able to get my mind off everything that had been happening at the hospital, and I was ready to jump in again and do what needed to be done.
Some of the patients had been put into medically induced comas so that they didn’t have to deal with the pain. There was a time when that hadn’t been possible, and every day I saw how the patients were suffering. I was thankful for modern medicine. The medication helped so much when a patient couldn’t tolerate the pain.
Before I started with my duties, I was informed that some of the patients would be brought out of their comas. Two of them could be moved to a recovery room, about which I was relieved. Even though they would move to someone else’s care, it meant that they were healing well enough that they could walk out of here again.
That was all that mattered.
“Nurse,” an older woman said when she came to the nursing station. I looked up from the report I was filling out. “My daughter isn’t waking up.”
I left my report for later and followed the woman who I figured out was the mother of a patient that had come in with the accident victims. The girl had been in a coma since shortly after she arrived at the hospital. She was only eighteen. Her ribs had been cracked, her nose had been broken, and she’d had severe internal bleeding. The airbag had been switched off for some reason, and she had made direct contact with the steering wheel.
“What’s wrong with her?” the mom asked me. I looked at the chart. Jessica Wright had been taken off the medication over the weekend. It had been two days.
“Sometimes it takes a while for them to come around, Mrs. Wright,” I said. “It’s too soon to be worried about it.”
“Too soon? It’s been two days!”
“Jessica will come out of it when she’s ready. Her body has been through a severe trauma, and she might need more time to adjust.”
The mom and dad both shook their heads, unhappy with what I was saying.
“We asked to speak to the attending physician,” Mr. Wright said. He looked angry, not worried like his wife. “We aren’t getting any answers.”
“Until she wakes up, there aren’t a lot of answers to give you,” I said. “She will be awake soon, and then we can find out where she stands.”
The Wrights were still upset, but there was nothing I could do for them. They must be out of their minds with concern. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if it was a family member fighting for their life. I didn’t have children, but it had to be one of the worst situations there was. Two days was a long time when some of the others woke up on the same day, but it wasn’t unheard of.
During my lunch break, I sat with Claire. I didn’t often take my lunch with someone, but I wanted to catch up on what had been happening over the weekend.
“Jessica Wright, the eighteen-year-old, is still in a coma,” I said. “Her parents are very upset.”
“I’m surprised they wanted to pull her out so soon,” Claire said. “She was in such a bad state when she came in.”
I nodded. Internal bleeding was no joke. But she had been sewed up and patched up, and she was ready to face life head-on. If she had what it took to get through the trauma.
“Cars are awful inventions,” Claire said.
I nodded in agreement. Some of the worst cases we saw were a result of car accidents. If the passengers were lucky, they walked away with their lives.
“Do you think she’ll be okay?” I asked, talking about Jessica again.
“She should be,” Claire said and took a sip of her coffee.
“Her parents are very worried. It’s understandable. I don’t want to see them shattered if she doesn’t wake up at all.”
“It’s medically induced, she was awake when she came in.”
“But barely functioning. She took a terrible hit.”
“Yeah. But I think she just needs time to figure out which side is up again. I hope someone can get taken to court for turning off those airbags. She nearly died.”
I nodded. The lunch wasn’t much of a break when we discussed the patients, but I was worried about the Wrights. I wanted Jessica to wake up, for their sake as much as hers. I was getting personally involved again, which wasn’t a good thing. When I got involved, I got hurt. But I couldn’t help myself.
When I returned to the ward after my lunch break, I went to check on the patient. Jessica Wright was still in a coma. She lay in the bed, thin and frail as if she barely existed in the first place. Her eyes were closed, her dark hair splayed on the pillow. Her cheeks were sunken, her eyes had bruises beneath them from her broken nose, and her nose was wrapped up to heal. She looked like death, and she had been very close to dying.
Mr. and Mrs. Wright returned to the room while I was still there, checking Jessica’s vitals.
“How is she?” Mrs. Wright asked.
“She’s perfectly fine,” I said. “She’s stable and out of danger.”
“This is ridiculous,” Mrs. Wright said, shaking her head. She was even more worked up than before. Mr. Wright looked like he had withdrawn into himself. I understood it; he couldn’t run on the adrenaline or fear for very long. Everyone had a different way to cope with stress. I understood what Mr. Wright was doing, but it left Mrs. Wright untethered, and she needed that anchor. If not to reality, then to hope.
“It will take time, ma’am,” I said. “I consulted one of my colleagues, and she assured me that this isn’t unheard of.”
“Is your colleague another nurse?” Mrs. Wright asked.
I nodded. “She has more experience with trauma patients than I do.”
“But you’re still just a nurse!” Mrs. Wright shouted. “What do you know? Maybe, if you want to stand there and offer medical advice to patients, you should go back to medical school and get the degree to back up your information.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I attempted a response. I was upset that she was treating me like this. But she was scared, and I understood that.
“I’m very sorry that this has happened to your daughter, Mrs. Wright,” I said. “I know that it’s horrible to have to deal with, and no one deserves this. But all Jessica needs now is time. We are giving her everything else she needs, and someone is checking on her around the clock. Just sit tight.”
“Sit tight? Sit tight!? What is that going to do? I’m losing my mind, and you have the nerve to tell me how to handle this.”
“Ma’am, I’m doing the best I can,” I said. I didn’t add that the only reason I was here, facing her when she treated me like this, was because she was the one that had come to me with these questions in the first place. The attending doctor had been called into an emergency operation.
I thought to add that, but I decided against it. Mrs. Wright couldn’t listen to reason above the sound of her own distress.
“The attending physician will be around shortly to do his rounds. You will be able to ask him directly,” I said. I didn’t say that the chances were that he would say the same thing I had. Mrs. Wright was ready to launch into another lecture, but Mr. Wright put his hand on his wife’s arm.
“Sweetheart, Jessica needs us by her side.”
Just like that, Mrs. Wright was subdued. She swallowed whatever words she had prepared to launch at me and nodded meekly. She walked to Jessica’s bed and sat down on one of the chairs. Mr. Wright gave me an apologetic look before he joined his wife.
My heart when out to them. It was tough to handle. I knew it was. And I did everything I could
to make it as easy for the victims and their family as possible. But the truth was that being in the hospital meant that something had gone wrong, and it always came with pain and sorrow when someone ended up in the ICU.
The rest of the day was hard. Two patients went backward and needed medical intervention. I worked the double shift I had expected to work. There wasn’t much time to sit down and fill out our reports or to eat or drink anything. I ran from one bed to the next, assisting patients that nearly lost their grip on their lives. We managed to keep them all from slipping away, but it was hard.
Finally, after twenty-four hours on my feet with little food and no sleep, I was exhausted. I handed over to the morning nurse that would take over from me, explaining what had happened.
“Jessica Wright in one-oh-four was induced but she’s not awake yet, despite being taken off the meds. Her parents are upset that she’s still in a coma. Dr. Nash has been to see them, but they’re not any better since he spoke to them. Try to be supportive and positive.”
The nurse nodded. I filled her in on the patients that had had emergencies.
“I haven’t done all the reports yet,” I said. “I’ll have to catch up on that when I come in again. Just put them to the side for me.”
“Go home,” she said. “You look like you’re going to fall asleep right here.”
I felt that way, too. At least the ICU had been calm in the sense that we hadn’t received any new patients.
The flipside of bad things happening in threes was that there was a lull before the next three. It meant that sometimes, the only patients we had were the ones already in our charge and the people out there were safe and sound. When I felt like it was all getting too much for me to handle, I tried to look at it that way.
When I finally headed home, I forced myself to think about it all that way again. The sun was already in the sky after a long night. I flashed on Ben and thinking about him came with a sense of warmth and calm. It was a nice change after a night that had been nothing short of hellish.