by Ali Parker
Losing your best friend and your sister over something like that seemed a bit drastic, though. But that was Jerrod to a tee. He was dramatic in the best sense of the word.
My phone rang.
“It’s Ben,” I said.
“So? Answer it,” Skylar said.
I held the phone to my ear. “I was hoping I would hear from you, soon,” I said with a smile.
“Can I see you tonight?” Ben asked. He sounded stressed.
“Yeah, sure. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just want to talk. Can I come over?”
I glanced at Skylar. She was frowning.
“I’m with Skylar at the moment, but I can meet you somewhere soon.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you at your place.”
He ended the call without much of a goodbye, and I put down my phone on the table.
“What was that all about?” Skylar asked.
“I have no idea. He sounds very serious. I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I need to go.”
“Don’t be sorry, I understand,” Skylar said.
I asked to have the rest of my food to-go, and Skylar and I settled the bill, each paying half. I hugged her when we left the restaurant.
“Thank you for being so understanding,” I said.
“You would do the same for me.”
I left the restaurant, driving back to my place. Ben was already there when I arrived, waiting outside the building. When I walked to him, he looked a little shutdown. He kissed me, but it was just a chaste peck on the lips, and there were miles of space between us. My stomach twisted. What if something serious had happened? I had no idea what could be wrong.
“Come in,” I said, unlocking the front door and we headed up to my apartment. When we were inside, I offered to make us coffee. Ben declined.
“I just want to talk,” he said.
God, this was serious.
We walked into the living room and sat down. Ben sat next to me, but he might as well have been on the other side of the room.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Ben took a deep breath. He looked hurt, worried.
“What happened?”
He just sat there. Why the hell wouldn’t he talk to me. I was starting to really panic, now. The contrast between how close we had been on Monday and how far apart we were now was staggering.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, finally saying something. “I think we should take a step back.”
“What?” I asked. “What do you mean, take a step back?”
“I mean we shouldn’t go this fast.”
I shook my head. “You were the one that came here on Sunday. It wasn’t going fast until you did that.”
“It already was.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, but I wasn’t going this fast. Why do you want to take a step back, now?”
I should have known that he wanted to talk to me about us when he’d said he wanted to meet at my place. This wasn’t about us facing some ordeal together. It was about us, facing off against each other in a way.
“What brought this one?” I asked. “On Monday, everything was still fine.”
“That was before I thought about everything.”
“I don’t understand what there is to think about,” I said, I was confused and unsure and hovering on the edge of anger. Why was he doing this to me?
“I’m going back to New York.”
His words hit me like a slap to the face.
“What?”
“I have to take over the business and do it properly. It’s my father’s legacy. I owe this to him.”
The anger had been sucked out of me. I felt unbalanced and small.
“What about me?” I asked, incredulously. “Don’t you owe it to me, to us, to keep trying with this?”
Ben shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mila. I truly am. I shouldn’t have let this happen when I didn’t know what was going on in my own life, yet. I let this go somewhere that I shouldn’t have, and that’s on me. I know I was wrong.”
“You can’t just apologize,” I said, my voice rising as the reality of what he was saying sunk in. “You can’t apologize in any way for this that will undo it. It happened, we have this thing now – I don’t know what you want to call it. How can you turn your back on me and walk away?”
Ben shook his head. “It’s not easy for me to explain.”
“You’re not even trying,” I accused. “Is this because of Jerrod?”
“No, it’s much bigger than that.”
I shook my head over and over, trying to figure out how the hell everything that we’d built had suddenly crumbled before me. I didn’t feel like crying, it was too soon for that. I hadn’t fully understood what was happening. I was numb.
“You always run,” I said softly.
“What?”
I looked at him. “You always run,” I said a little louder. “As soon as things get hard, you run away. This isn’t the first time you’re leaving me.”
“Mila, if I had a choice –”
“You always have a choice. What pisses me off is that you’re not giving me one. You never do. Every time you leave, it’s because you decide it’s the best thing, and you disappear without giving me a say in this. I have feelings, too. I have a life. The world doesn’t just revolve around you.”
I was being mean, but I was angry. I wasn’t numb anymore. I was righteously pissed off that Ben was doing this to me, again.
Ben stood. This was the part where he was going to walk out of my life. Again.
“For what it’s worth, I really am sorry,” Ben said.
“Tell it to someone who gives a damn,” I sneered.
Ben nodded once and left.
Chapter 44
Ben
“Are you sure you have everything?” my mom asked on Thursday morning, standing in the doorway to my room. “Have you checked the bathroom?”
I nodded. My mom was just looking out for me so I didn’t tell her that I knew what it was like to move from one place to another and make sure I was leaving nothing behind. God knows I had done more than enough of that in the past seven years.
“Okay, sweetheart.” She walked toward me and gave me a hug. It was unexpected, and I stiffened before I relaxed and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m sorry I’m leaving again so soon,” I said.
“Don’t be,” my mom said, shaking her head. “If anyone understands, it’s me. Your father left you that company. I realize that it’s the only thing you have left of him, and it’s your choice to fill his shoes.”
“You don’t think I’m being an idiot?”
“Of course, not. You’re doing a noble thing by honoring your father and Dean.”
She sat down on the makeshift bed, and I sat down next to her.
“Every time I’m here, I feel like I should be in New York. But every time I go, I struggle with everything I’m leaving behind. Did Dad struggle with that, too?”
My mom looked at her hands. “You are not like your father, Ben. He wasn’t as attached and compassionate as you are. He didn’t open up to people like you do. You’re more like me. Your father easily switched off and left things behind when it was what he needed to do.” There was sadness in her voice, and I knew my mom was thinking about her relationship with my dad. He had left us behind without thinking about it, twice.
A pang of guilt shot through my chest when I thought about Mila. Was I doing the same thing to her? But my mom had said I wasn’t like my dad. This was different. I was leaving her behind, but I was trying to protect her. David had told me they were watching me and if they started using the people in my life as leverage, hurting everyone I loved, I wasn’t going to be able to forgive myself.
“You keep coming back, which is something,” my mom said. “Your father never did.”
I nodded. I wasn’t like my dad. I was a different person. Although, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to come back until everything with the Mafia was
taken care of.
“Have you said your goodbyes to everyone? Mila?”
I nodded, cringing a little when I heard her name.
“What are you going to do about her?” my mom asked. “You two seemed very serious.”
I sighed. “We were, in a way. But I can’t do this. I’m not supposed to be here, and I know that she won’t come with me to New York. It’s better this way.”
My mom looked at me like she didn’t believe what I was saying was true, but she didn’t challenge me on it. The one thing my mom had always done very well was to let me make my own decisions without interfering.
I felt awful about leaving again. I didn’t want to leave my mom and Paul behind and wait for years before I could see them again. I didn’t want to break up with Mila, and I had never wanted to lose Jerrod. But it was happening, now. There was nothing I could do about it. Everyone kept telling me I had a choice, but they knew nothing about what was going on behind the scenes. I had to leave here and go back to New York if the Mafia was keeping tabs on me. It was the best way to keep everyone safe.
I still had a bit of time left before my flight. I said goodbye to my mom and Paul, promising to let them know when I arrived there, safely. My stomach tightened when I thought about it. My dad and Uncle Dean had both died in a plane crash, and now I was flying to New York with the Mafia watching me.
But I pushed the thought away. Thinking that way would only make me a paranoid mess.
Before I headed to the airport, I stopped at The Cottage to say goodbye to Miranda and Harry and to try one last time to talk to Jerrod. I couldn’t leave things the way they were before I left for New York.
“You take care of yourself,” Miranda said. “And keep in contact with us. Don’t disappear again like you did before,” Harry added. Neither of them had mentioned anything about my relationship with Mila coming to an end. Had she kept it all from them?
Jerrod was behind the bar, polishing glasses when I found him. I sat down on a barstool and looked at him. He wasn’t making eye contact. Aside from one or two diners, the restaurant was quiet, and we would be able to have a private conversation. Not that it mattered, we had talked about countless things in front of patrons before. Life in a restaurant became everyone’s business.
“I want to apologize,” I said to Jerrod. “I was wrong for keeping it all a secret from you. I was a shitty friend.”
“Yeah, you were,” Jerrod said, looking at me for the first time. His eyes were so much like Mila’s it made my heart ache. I had lost her.
“I have to go back to New York.”
“I heard,” Jerrod said.
“I want to fix things between us before we go. I don’t want this to be the end.”
Jerrod put the glass down and leaned on the bar. His face was carefully blank.
“I’m going to honest with you,” he said. “I don’t give a shit what you want. I don’t care about fixing things between us. I’m not the one that fucked it up.”
“Come on, I’m trying here,” I said.
Jerrod shook his head and picked up another glass. “No, you’re trying to get a clear conscience before you run back to your fancy life. Tell me, is Mila coming with you?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s staying.”
Jerrod frowned, pausing with the glass in his hands. “So you’re just ditching her?”
I groaned. “I can’t do anything right in your eyes, can I? First, you’re mad that I’m with her. Now, you’re mad that I’m not?”
“No, I’m mad that you’re being a dick. First to me, and now to my sister. She cares about you. I’m sure you know that. She wouldn’t risk her relationship with me if she didn’t give a shit. But now you’re leaving again, and she has to sit back here wondering what the hell she did wrong. You’re a real asshole, Ben.”
There was nothing I could say to that. It was more complicated than that, but Jerrod didn’t know what was going on back in New York with the Mafia. Jerrod had always just tried to protect his sister. He had accused me of using her, and now that I was leaving, I knew it looked like that. But it wasn’t like that at all.
“You know what?” Jerrod said, finally. “I’m glad you’re going. I hope it’s for good, this time. As soon as you’re gone, Mila and I can get back to our lives without you. That’s all we need. So, as soon as you’re ready to leave, get out of my restaurant.
“It’s not your restaurant, yet,” I quipped like a petulant teenager.
“It will be, soon. But you won’t be around to see all of that. So what does it matter?”
I got up and walked away. I wasn’t going to sit there and let him be rude to me. Even if everything he said was true. Life in Portland would move on without me. It didn’t matter that I was leaving. Mila and Jerrod would carry on with their lives. And I wouldn’t be around to see it. I wouldn’t be here to experience any of it.
At least they would be safe, I told myself. It was what I was doing all of this for after all.
I got into my rental and drove to the airport. It was still too early, technically, but what else was I going to do? After checking my bags, I went to the first class waiting lounge and bought a newspaper. I sat down and started reading without seeing any of the words on the page.
Even though I thought I was doing the right thing, I felt like absolute shit. I had hurt more people than before in this process. Mila was heartbroken, and Jerrod wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn’t blame either of them. Without knowing the full truth, it did look like I was the villain in the story like I had come in here and merely wrecked their lives before leaving again.
But they didn’t know the scary truth. The Mafia didn’t fuck around. They had already killed two people because they hadn’t gotten what they wanted. I couldn’t afford for more people that I cared about to get hurt. It was a mistake my dad had made, and he had inadvertently passed down his sins along with the company in his will. This problem shouldn’t have been mine, but now it was. And I had to deal with it before any more damage was caused.
As soon as I found out what the amount was that needed to be paid, I would take care of it. I had both my father’s riches and that of Uncle Dean in my pocket. They had both left everything to me. I was easily one of the wealthiest people in the country. If I couldn’t make it go away with all my money, I wouldn’t know what else to do.
I thought about all that cash, and I laughed bitterly. The old adage was true: money doesn’t buy happiness. I had been happy with my life in Portland before everything had gone wrong and my father had died. I had had dreams. I’d had plans. I’d had friends and family.
Now? I’d lost all the friends I’d cared about. My family was still there, but I would hardly get to see them. I could afford anything my heart desired, but all I wanted was a place to call home again.
But I would right my father’s wrongs, first. I would do the right thing, handle the situation. And once that was taken care of and the boogeyman was finally gone, I could relax and think about the next step in my future that would ensure my happiness.
That was what Mila had meant when she’d asked me if I was happy. Happiness, in the end, was the ultimate goal. No matter what it was that created that happiness. Without happiness, life was a black hole that sucked in everything else, and it wasn’t worth living.
So, I needed a new dream, a new goal, I decided. I wanted to get myself to a point where I could be happy again. I had to take care of my father’s mistakes so that I had the freedom to choose what it was that would ultimately make me happy.
I knew for a fact that Mila and Jerrod were a part of it. Everything else I would figure out.
When the boarding call finally came, I was determined to make this work. I had something I needed to take care of, and I was going to make it happen, no matter what. I climbed on the plane with a destination, and it was New York.
It was freedom.
Chapter 45
Mila
I should have worked on Friday, but I took a
personal day instead. The board had taken one look at me and granted me the time off.
I was exhausted. It wasn’t just lack of sleep or because I was overworked. My soul was tired.
So much had happened on my last shift and I wasn’t able to cope with it very well. I was emotionally drained.
The mother of three passing away, although she was nothing to me, had really knocked me hard. I couldn’t let go of it, and I found that I cried myself to sleep about it sometimes.
It didn’t help that my tears were already so close to the surface, thanks to Ben and what he’d done to me. It was his fault that everything else was suddenly impossible to deal with. I was always so strong, I could handle whatever came my way. Sure, sometimes it was hard. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t do it.
Now, I felt like I was on the verge of breaking completely.
I had managed to get through work yesterday, but it had taken a toll on me. I had mulled over what Ben had said over and over. I had fought with him in my mind, thinking of things I would have loved to say to him, playing out fights in my mind that had never happened and never would.
Why the hell had he fucked me like that? We had been so good. He’d mentioned before that he was thinking about going back, but then everything had been so perfect between us, I hadn’t thought it would happen at all. And then he’d dropped it on me like a bomb, breaking up with me and walking out of my life with almost no explanation.
What had I done to deserve this? How was it possible that a man that had always been so perfect had become so very flawed in such a short time? It wasn’t even that I’d expected him to be the Prince Charming of my fantasies when we had become something tangible. I had known that he wouldn’t be the Adonis I had always thought he was, and I had expected that he would have flaws. Everyone did. But having flaws was not the same as being an ass and hurting everyone.
And that was what Ben had done. I had sacrificed my relationship with my brother to be with him. Ben had known what that meant to me, how serious it was. But still, he’d left after the damage had been done. Which meant that I had nothing, now. Not Ben and not Jerrod. I was alone.