Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "Ready?" The Kev asked, looking more unsure than I'd ever seen him look. Ethan wasn't much better. My stomach churned from the green crap and everyone's fear for my existence. I knew I wasn't going to die, but a little voice in the back of my brain kept telling me there were far worse things than death.

  "I'm ready," I said as I planted a big one on my mate and grabbed the rope. "Is Xanthia on the other side of the bridge?"

  "No. We have a half day's journey once we reach the other side," The Kev said as he secured his pack and stared off into the horizon. "There's a cottage I know of that's safe. We will spend the night there and approach Xanthia in the morning. I have allies who will meet up with us tomorrow."

  "You have allies on the Dark side?" Ethan asked as his eyes narrowed.

  The Kev shrugged and grinned. "Just remember—looks are very deceiving. Let's go."

  "I've been to Hell and back. How much worse can this be?" I wondered aloud as I grabbed the rope.

  "You have no idea," I heard The Kev mutter under his breath.

  The wind whipped up violently and I grasped the rope tighter in my hands. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer to my relatives that I wouldn't be blown off the bridge. I had the most important mission of my life and no wind was going to stop me. However, the flock of frightened birds flying at my head might have a shot.

  "Astrid, duck!" Ethan shouted as the flying menaces dive-bombed us.

  I shifted and dropped, but I was a second too late. Colored feathers blinded me and the world went black.

  ***

  What the heck? Was I blind or had someone super-glued my eyes shut? Why would someone do that? My body ached like I'd been in a fight with a freakin' brick wall and my head was pounding like a motherhumper. Where was I? Wait…who was I? Shoot, this was bad. I know I'm a girl and I think I have brown hair. Oh my goodness, was I in an accident? Do I have amnesia? Why are my eyes stuck shut?

  "Is she awake?" a worried male voice asked.

  "No, not yet," another answered. "But at least she's alive."

  "Alive as a dead person can be." The first one chuckled and the second one joined him.

  "She's definitely hard to kill."

  "Thank God for that."

  "Do you need blood?"

  "No, I can wait until she wakes up."

  Um…what kind of conversation was that? What does someone need blood for? Some kind of sicko ritual? Was I going to be sacrificed? God, I had to stop drinking hard liquor. Thankfully, I heard them leave the room. Where was I? And who were they?

  Think. Think. Think.

  I'm hard to kill…they called me a dead person…and they wanted my blood. Buttholes, these kidnappers were definitely going to kill me.

  Clearly they'd already tried, but I must have fought back—good for me. Why in the poop were they happy I was difficult to kill? Were they sadists?

  Crapcrapcrappycrap. This was bad.

  I'd stay as quiet as a mouse and wait the murdering jerks out. They seemed hesitant to finish the job while I was passed out. That was psychotic. Surely they'd have to use the facilities or go get some food…then I'd escape. Yep, I'd escape or I could kill them and then escape.

  Whoa, where the heck did that come from? I can't kill anyone. That was wrong and illegal and would make me no better than the horrible men who'd kidnapped me and tried to murder me. Plus, I seemed to be severely hung over.

  How does this always happen to me? Wait…has this ever happened to me? I don't even know who "me" is.

  Poop on a stick, I need to think…name. What's my name? Why don't I know my name?

  "She's moving," the one with a voice like silk said. He had an exceptionally sexy voice for a serial killer. "Astrid? Can you hear me?"

  Astrid? My name is Astrid? That doesn't sound right at all. Maybe they kidnapped the wrong girl. If I could just move my lips and open my dang eyes, I could tell them and then I could go home to, um…wherever I lived.

  Hmmm…I wonder if they'll tell me where they abducted me from. Is that a weird question to ask? Probably. I suppose I could just find a policeman and ask him to take my fingerprints to figure out my identity.

  Slowly I opened one eye and shut it immediately. Who knew serial killers were so freakin' hot? This was so unfair. The best looking man and the second best looking man I'd ever seen were staring at me. Did they want me to be conscious for my death?

  "Astrid, I saw you," the sexiest one said with amusement in his voice.

  These dudes were pure evil. What was this? Be nice to the victim before you axe murder her? Awesome. It would figure I wanted to have intercourse with the instrument of my death. Well, not both of them, only the one who smelled so good and was invading my personal space…Balls.

  If I was going to die I was not going to go quietly. Summoning what little strength I had I sat up and scooted away from the killers.

  "Stay back," I hissed as I crawled towards what I hoped was a door. My vision was still a little fuzzy.

  "Astrid, come back here, baby," the stupidly pretty one said.

  "Are you crazy?" I yelled. "If you think I'm gonna make it easy for you to kill me and then bathe yourself in my blood, you've got another thing coming, buster."

  "Oh shit," I heard the sexy one say as I banged my head on a table.

  Who in the heck puts a dangitydangdang table where a door is supposed to be?

  "What's wrong with her?" Mr. Sexy Voice asked.

  "Well," the other dorko said, "it seems that she might have lost her memory."

  "Ya think?" I shouted as I rubbed the knot that was forming on my forehead from my unfortunate interaction with the table. "You two just stay where you are and no one will get hurt. I have rabies and I'll bite you." That probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have said, considering my eyes were still half shut and I'd just crashed into a table, but it was the only thing I could think of.

  They both stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths…maybe the rabies thing worked.

  "Astrid, calm down," the big pretty one who I didn't want to suck face with said carefully. "We're not going to hurt you. We're your friends."

  "Right," I snapped. "Friends don't want to kill friends, Mister Big Dude. I heard you talking, so that nice poop isn't going to fly."

  "Oh my God," the one I would have dated if he wasn’t a murdering turd knocker said. "Astrid, you need…"

  "Okay, here's the deal. I am at least ninety seven and a half percent sure my name is not Astrid. Clearly you've kidnapped the wrong girl. So if you'll just back off and let me leave, I won't go to the police. Deal?"

  They were speechless. I didn't take that as a good sign.

  "Oh, and if you could tell me where I live that would be helpful."

  Still speechless.

  I stared at them and realized my great surprise, I wasn't afraid of them. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self-preservation instincts at all? It was difficult to take my eyes off of the one who smelled like Heaven. His jeans hugged his rear end like a glove and the long sleeve t-shirt made my mouth water. I had to assume the bump on my head had rattled my brain because I'd clearly lost it. Only someone with a death wish would be eyeing her captor like he was a steak.

  "This is a clusterfuck," my would-be killer boyfriend muttered as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

  "There is no need for potty language," I snapped. "You might want to kill me and that's fine…actually, it's not fine because you have the wrong girl, but I will not tolerate a filthy mouth. Do you understand?"

  "We have a little problem here," the big guy said as he paled considerably.

  "Ya think?" Pretty Boy ground out. "What do we do about this?"

  The big one shook his head and dropped down on the couch in defeat. "I have no clue. None whatsoever."

  Chapter 9

  Honesty is always the best policy. However, honesty is not always appreciated. When answering your child's most difficult questions, make sure you only answer the question that was aske
d. More information is oftentimes not helpful and occasionally leads to hospitalization of the parent. ‘Nuff said.

  I was no longer scared of my kidnappers at all. With every fiber of my being I knew they meant me no harm. I actually felt sorry for them. They were insane and pathetic.

  "Let me get this straight," I said as I tried desperately to stifle my laughter. "You think you're a Vampyre and you think you're a Fairy?"

  "Yes," the one who called himself Ethan said. "And you're half Vampyre and half Demon."

  "Riiiight." I nodded and tried to gauge how far away the door was. These dudes were either on drugs or they'd escaped from the loony bin. "I get how you'd want to be a Vampyre with Twilight and True Blood and all, but you…" I pointed at the big guy who called himself The Kev. "I would have never guessed that you were gay. Not that I have any problem with anyone's sexuality, but you just do not register on my gaydar at all."

  "I'm not gay," he said. "I'm a Fairy."

  "How's that different than gay?" I asked, completely confused.

  "I have wings and can do magic," The Kev explained.

  "And I can shoot laser beams from my fingertips," I shot back sarcastically.

  "Actually, you can," Ethan mumbled.

  I snorted and rolled my eyes. "This has been really fun and extremely informative in a bizarrely alarming way, but I have to go. So if you guys wouldn't mind telling me where you abducted me from I'll just be on my way."

  "What would you suggest we do next?" Ethan asked The Kev as his jaw worked in frustration. Dang, that was hot. "Explaining doesn't seem to be working."

  "Show her?" The Kev suggested.

  "Guys." I put my hands up. "This is getting embarrassing…for you. Maybe you should just cut your losses and let me go. I swear to God that I won't tell anyone."

  "He's your uncle," Ethan informed me.

  "Who's my uncle?" I asked.

  "God is your uncle."

  "I'm outta here," I said as I made a run for the door.

  "Show her," The Kev bellowed so loudly I stopped and glanced back at the whackos.

  Ethan shrugged and produced an evil looking set of fangs. I was too shocked to run. He was hotter than heck and made the blond dude from True Blood look like a weenie.

  "Oh my God," I gasped. "That's amazing! I can't believe you could find a dentist that would file your teeth like that." They really did look like fangs. "I know you're into the whole Vampyre thingie, but I think you're gonna regret doing that some day."

  I shook my head and wondered what he had paid to get that done. As amusing and harmless as these two dudes seemed, I needed to leave. However, I was kind of curious how else they had mutilated themselves. "Can you guys do anything else?"

  "She doesn't understand," Ethan said in utter disbelief.

  The Kev sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling for a long moment. All of a sudden the room shook and the most gorgeous set of silver wings exploded from his back. Ethan raised his hands and flung them. A mist of golden glitter flew from his fingertips and a gentle breeze began to flow through the room. His eyes went from a beautiful gold color to a sparkling green, which made my lady bits jump to attention. Did I have Stockholm syndrome? Why I was attracted to my kidnapper? Was I still drunk?

  Because none of what I was seeing was even remotely possible.

  Something clicked in my head and I sat down on the couch with a thud. This was insane, but I was fairly sure they were telling the truth…or at least part of the truth. How was this possible? I wanted to believe they were deranged magicians, but the logical—or drunk—part of my brain rejected that theory.

  "I'm dreaming," I mumbled. "This has to be a bad dream or a screwed up drug trip."

  "It's the truth," The Kev said "And there's not much time for us to convince you."

  "Why?" I demanded.

  "Do you really not know?" he asked gravely.

  My stomach clenched and a shiver skittered up my spine. Something was off and I needed desperately to remember. "I'm still not really buying the I'm a Vampyre and I'm a Fairy crap, but I know I'm here for a reason. I just can't remember," I whispered. "I think it's important, but I can't remember."

  "Should we tell her?" Ethan asked as he squatted down in front of me and watched me intently.

  His gaze made me uncomfortably hot. He was entirely too handsome for his own good.

  "No," the Kev said. "She has to remember or she won't believe it. We have a little time. Let her be, Ethan."

  Ethan's head whipped to The Kev in fury. I cringed a little at his ire. "We don't have any more fucking time," he hissed.

  "What did I tell you about the potty language?" I yelled and slapped my hands over my ears. "You will not speak that way in front of me or I really will leave. I can put up with sharp canines and goofy wings, but I will not tolerate filthy language."

  "This is bad," The Kev said. He watched me like a person watches a bad car wreck. He couldn't look away.

  "What?" I demanded. "What's the problem here?"

  "You normally have a mouth like a sailor," The Kev said, as he backed away just in case I launched myself at him.

  "Nope, I refuse to believe that poop. I am a nice girl. I'm still not convinced my name is Astrid, but I'll answer to it until I can remember what my real name is. Also…" I eyed the hotter than sin Ethan. "You need to stay away from me. I find you redonkulously appealing and I'm pretty sure I'm already married with kids. I do not cheat."

  "Um, okay," Ethan said as he choked back what I thought might be laughter. "I will respect that."

  "Am I?" I demanded.

  "Are you what?" he asked as his eyes sparkled even greener, which made me have to slam my legs shut and sit on my hands so I didn't reach out to him.

  I rolled my eyes and then closed them tight so I could block him and his sexy face out. "Am I married with children?"

  "Not exactly," he hedged.

  "How does that make sense?" I asked with my eyes still sealed shut.

  "You have someone in your life and you do have a child," he said cautiously.

  "Horse caca, I would never have a child out of wedlock. I'm not that kind of girl."

  The Kev ran from the room. It sounded like he was choking on his own spit. Ethan bit down on his own lip so hard he drew blood. My stomach rumbled and I turned away in disgust. I was not a Vampyre or a Demon. I did not want to suck the blood from his mouth and I did not want to strip him and lick every inch of his hot bod. Nope. I did not. At all. Ever. Not even a little bit. No way—no how.

  Buttholes…yes I did. I wanted it so bad it physically hurt.

  "Enough," I sputtered to myself more than my kooky captors as I stood. "We need to find the baby we're after and get out of here."

  Wait. What? My knees buckled and I dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor. My gut clenched in excruciating pain and my head pounded. I remembered. We had come here to save someone's baby. He was a beautiful child and he was in danger. Ethan froze and The Kev came barreling back into the room.

  "You remember?" The Kev asked.

  "Some." I nodded. "We are here to save a child. He's in danger and he's important to a lot of people," I said slowly.

  "Who is he important to?" Ethan demanded as The Kev gave him a look.

  "I don't know," I whispered and wanted to cry. "Can you tell me?"

  "No," The Kev said harshly. "You have to remember on your own or none of this will work. It will fall apart and the child will be doomed."

  "Pressure much?" I snapped. "What's with all the doomed junk? You're making it sound like the world could end."

  Both men just stared at me and said nothing. My stomach dropped to my toes and I wanted to puke. A small part of my brain explained to me that Vampyres couldn't hurl, but I was still not ready to accept that I was an undead creature of the night…not to mention a flesh-eating Demon. Poopitycrap. Could my life get any more screwed up?

  Yes. The answer was yes.

  "She can be told part of her history. It m
ight jog her memory, but nothing of the present—including who we are to her. She must find that herself," The Kev stated and then left the room again.

  Ethan pinched the bridge of his perfect nose and sat down in a chair across the room from me. I wanted to beg him to sit next to me, but I figured my husband might not like that. I was kind of quite sure that I was married to a human man. Why would I have done that if I was a Demon /Vampyre? Maybe because humans had yummy blood? Gross. What was wrong with me? I did not drink blood and I was not a Demon/Vampyre.