5.
The Questionable Ways People Try to Win
or
“So I Invited Ricky’s Ex-Wife to Join the League . . .”
“You play to win the game!” screamed Herm Edwards at a postgame press conference. Coach Edwards was speaking about the NFL, of course, but in this oft-repeated quote, he could just as easily have been speaking about fantasy sports.
Friendship is great. So is competition. Camaraderie, smack talk, league traditions, all fun and wonderful. But at the end of it, you play. To win. The game.
It’s a noble pursuit, of course, except when it comes to how far people will go to win. And that’s when the area, you see, turns gray.
“Travis” had done it the right way. As the commissioner of a work league in 2010, he had finished first in the regular season. And then, in the first round of the playoffs, he squeaked out a victory, winning by two points.
Or did he?
Late on Monday, the NFL ruled that in his week 15 game against the Jets, Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall rushed for 99 yards instead of the 100 he was originally credited with. The NFL changed his official stats. That meant, in Travis’s league, his team had four points taken away (one for the yards and a three-point bonus for 100 yards total). As a result of the stat change a day later, Travis actually lost his playoff game by two points.
He felt the way you or I would. “I was incredibly upset and felt cheated.”
Of course, the way Travis reacted is probably different from the way most of us would.
“I went in that night before I thought anyone noticed and changed the totals. I tried to make it look like I had won by the same amount. However, because commissioner changes are listed, some guys noticed. They confronted me, and I admitted what I had done and changed it back. They then told everyone at the office about my cheating.”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that’s pretty bad. But guess what? That’s not the worst part. Tell them the worst part, Travis.
“I am a pastor.”
You heard him. A pastor.
“At the time, a staff pastor for a big church in Oklahoma, as is the rest of the league.”
That’s right. Travis cheated in a league full of pastors. And you know what? He wasn’t alone!
“In that same 2010 season, two of the other pastors did a lopsided trade that was ridiculous. There was another case of one team benching its lineup to help another team make the playoffs. . . . It all really came to a head after I cheated to try to win. We were in our weekly pastoral staff meeting, and we all started yelling at each other. Not really angry, just being aggressive and challenging each other’s code of ethics. Our boss, the senior pastor, did not play in the league. He just sat there staring at us with this look like, I can’t believe I hired these idiots to help me pastor this church.
Honestly, I sorta can’t either.
Travis continued: “I have since become the lead pastor at a church in another state, but I still run that league. And I often wonder if the people in my church would lose respect for me if they knew I had cheated to try and win a fantasy football league.”
I’m gonna say yes, which is why I altered your name.
“PS—I finished first in the regular season again this year and once again lost in the first round of the playoffs, this time by only three points. God may love Tebow, but He frowns upon pastors cheating in fantasy football.”
That antsy feeling Travis got when the Mendenhall stat got changed—the frustration, the restlessness that kept him up at night, the feeling this all seemed somehow unfair—is a feeling I can truly relate to. You see, after Married . . . With Children, Eric and I began our run of writing for a bunch of very talented people on some truly terrible sitcoms. We worked for people like Diane English and James Burrows—titans in the industry known for shows like Murphy Brown, Cheers, Friends, and Will and Grace. Except, of course, those weren’t the shows of theirs we worked on. We were low-level writers for much of it, so we couldn’t take credit or blame for most decisions. All we could do was pitch jokes and story ideas and hope for the best. Every year the show we were on would get canceled, and every year we were, once again, looking for work. It started to wear on me.
The shows were bad or the work experience was not fun or, well, it was always something. I kept telling myself that if we could just get on a hit TV show like Frasier, everything would be okay. We were good writers, and we were rehired by every show runner that ever hired us, but for whatever reason, we never caught that one big break. Eventually, my writing partner and I turned to movies.
Around that time, I was getting more and more into fantasy sports professionally. When I started writing my column on Rotoworld, I decided I needed a title. The names of columns on Rotoworld at that time were all fairly generic sports terms—things like “Red Zone” and “Balls and Strikes.” I knew my column name shouldn’t be sport-specific, as I wanted to be an analyst in multiple sports.
Since the site was called Rotoworld (“Roto” was short for Rotisserie League Baseball), I figured my name should have “Roto” in the title. So I wanted to be known as “The Roto Whore,” because I thought it was funny. And then the first of many lucky breaks went my way. The guys running the site hated “The Roto Whore.” Wasn’t family-friendly enough, they claimed (I assume “roto” was the offending word). I was upset at first, but I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason. So I went back to the drawing board. I told my wife that I wanted something that would make me seem like an expert but not one who took himself too seriously. A name with a wink, equal parts silly and “experty.” I was coming up with all sorts of terrible, obvious names . . . “Mr. Roto” . . . “The Lord of Roto” . . . “The Roto King” . . . “The Czar of Roto.” Just brutal, all of them.
Later that week, we were coming home from seeing the Matt Damon movie The Talented Mr. Ripley, and my wife just said, “How about ‘The Talented Mr. Roto’?” That’s hilarious, I said. Sold. It was just over the top enough that people would know not to take it seriously. It stood out and had name recognition because of the movie.
The silly, over-the-top name caught on, and the column grew in popularity and notoriety. Radio producers who were fans started asking me to come on their shows. At first, I hid my involvement. We wanted movie producers to take us seriously as writers. How could they if I was busy screwing around on some fantasy sports website? But eventually the truth came out, and instead of detracting from our movie career, we found that, oddly, my fantasy column started helping. Lots of executives and movie producers play fantasy, and when we’d have meetings, the first 15 minutes were spent helping them with their teams. It created a bond and better relationships for us with some big-name people in Hollywood.
One of the reasons we were getting all these movie meetings was because of a sample movie script that Eric and I wrote called Undercover Elvis. It’s based on one of the most popular photos in the National Archives: a picture of President Richard Nixon, in the Oval Office, shaking hands with Elvis Presley, who is wearing a full-body purple jumpsuit. Of course he is.
In doing research on that photo, we discovered that Nixon had actually made Elvis an agent in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs (the precursor to the DEA). In other words, it wasn’t an honorary thing. You can look it up. Elvis Aaron Presley was really a full-fledged member of the BNDD. Nixon originally wanted it to be an honorary thing, but Elvis wouldn’t do it without it being legit. Nixon, desperate for good publicity (and insanely thinking this would provide it), eventually agreed and sent him a badge. And so the King of Rock ’n’ Roll became a government agent. The whole story is completely nuts, and it led us to write a script for a smart action comedy with this premise: “What if all the crazy stuff you knew about Elvis actually made complete sense when you realized he was really the world’s greatest secret agent?”
We got great fe
edback on it, and it remains one of my favorite things we ever wrote. It didn’t ultimately sell, but it did get us a lot of meetings and jobs, including a live-action adaptation of the cartoon Johnny Bravo for Warner Brothers to star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (which sounded better than it probably does now). We started working on good projects and occasionally getting written up in The Hollywood Reporter and Variety. From a romantic comedy with the producers of Elf for Paramount to a rewrite for a Tim Allen Disney comedy, we eventually became movie writers.
Among the highest points of my writing career was when we were hired to do a new version of The Muppet Show for Fox. (I’m a Muppets freak.) And then one of the lowest was when the script went through the entire network with no notes, everyone loved it, until it got to the head of the network, who read it and said, “It’s really funny. But does it have to be The Muppets?” True story.
One time a studio called us and asked us to work up a pitch for a project they wanted us to do. We spent a month on it. Only to find out, just before we pitched it, that they had hired someone else to write it. “Hey! You requested us.” Another time, a writer we used to work with called us. He couldn’t get a job; he couldn’t even get his agent to call him back. He had written a sample pilot for free (called “on spec”) and would we please help him punch it up? We felt bad for him, so we ended up helping him rewrite it significantly. Then with this new script, we gave it to some people we knew and got him a much better agent who ended up selling the script for more than half a million dollars. We then worked on the pilot and, at his request, came up with a bunch of future episode ideas. We were promised a high-level job on the show and had been told to turn down other job offers because we were working on this show. And then when the show was picked up to go on air he got full of himself. He didn’t hire us but still used the episode ideas without telling us. He didn’t want to share the spotlight, so he turned on us. By then, all the other jobs were filled. So not only was it horribly disheartening and depressing and we had nothing to show for our three months of free work to turn this guy’s career completely around, but being nice to this guy and helping cost us other jobs. When the dust settled and people found out about what happened, two different studio executives called to formally apologize to us for his behavior and he was forced to give us story credit on one of the ideas he used. But it wasn’t nearly enough for what he did to us. To this day, everyone I’ve told the full story to has said they think it’s one of the worst Hollywood betrayals they’ve ever heard.
It was my worst, but I wish it were the only one.
My writing partner and I got taken advantage of many, many times. By sitcom producers, by movie producers, and by Hilary Swank, who once wasted a year of my life. Seriously.
There’s a reason Hollywood is known for screwing people over. It’s because it happens. Very similar to fantasy sports in that respect. Anytime you have money, ego, and reputation at stake, you will also have chicanery, duplicity, skulduggery, subterfuge, treachery, double-crossing, misconduct, deception, hypocrisy, deviousness, malfeasance, fraud, intrigue, bribery, lies, grifting, ruses, false pretenses, wrongdoing, corruption, lawlessness, underhandedness, bamboozlement, deceit, hoaxes, extortion, trickery, swindles, breaches of trust, violations, misrepresentations, impropriety, rackets, hanky-panky, fast ones, flimflams, shady dealings, misbehavior, scandals, unscrupulousness, bending of the rules, gray areas, loopholes, cunning, and good old-fashioned cheating.
And perhaps the only thing that has been around longer than ethically challenged behavior is ethically challenged behavior involving pursuit of the fairer sex. Be it to eat an apple, inspire soldiers to hide in a big wooden horse, or just upgrade their pitching, it should come as no shock that men will do almost anything to win the affection of a young lass—and that women have used that to their advantage.
Jill knew that the youngest guy in the Los Vaqueros fantasy baseball league, “David,” had a crush on her. Her team, Joe Girardi’s Braces was in the hunt and looking to make a deal. “It was 2011, and I wanted to upgrade at shortstop. I was shopping Alexi Ogando, but no one would bite.” But one night she sees David on G-Chat and nonchalantly asks what it would take to get Asdrubal Cabrera, with Ogando as the bait.
DAVID: Want Chipper Jones? Haha
JILL: No, I do not lol
DAVID: haha didn’t think so . . .
JILL: I will be totally honest here. The only guy I want is Cabrera.
DAVID: Ogando, Barney, and a GREAT blow job, and I’ll do it. I need the pitching.
JILL: Are you serious? Done and done
DAVID: I think it is worth it. And I need a blow job. =)
Jill continues: “I scored a top-10 shortstop by getting rid of two players I had planned to drop and, oh yes, a blow job that I never ever planned to give.”
I would just like to pause for a moment to apologize for the stupidity of the male gender. Forget trying to negotiate for oral sex from someone you have no romantic relationship with. It was a terrible baseball trade. Okay, back to the story.
“I was nervous someone would protest the trade, considering the centerpiece was unwanted Alexi Ogando. While Ogando’s raw stats were deceivingly good, a simple Google search would have turned off anyone because Alexi had sucked his last three starts and was rumored to be heading to Triple A.”
Yes, Jill is a smart fantasy player. And she was very happy. But . . .
“I felt like a dirty whore. I knew I would not hold up my end of the bargain and justified it with the fact that he was so dumb that he deserved it. I’m sorry, but you should not play fantasy baseball with the little baseball bat in your pants.” Underline that one, kids.
“I felt like that slut who sleeps with her boss to move up in the world. But instead, I took advantage of a college student. Which is terrible! In the end, I wanted everyone to know that I was successful without any favors. Including imaginary ones. But it didn’t matter. I got what I deserved.”
Fantasy karma’s a bitch . . .
“After going undefeated through the first 23 weeks of the season, I lost the championship by one hit. To David, of course. Who had eked into the playoffs in the last spot. You have no idea how much I wish this story wasn’t true. I am irrationally superstitious when it comes to sports, and part of me is afraid that the fantasy baseball gods will turn me into the Chicago Cubs. I think this means I either have to hook up with David or buy a goat. I am hoping for the latter.”
Poor David. Or lucky goat. But while Jill only promised putting out to try and win, “Jessica” actually did. In a fantasy football league with her boyfriend “Nick,” who had already clinched a playoff spot. Jessica needed a win against her boyfriend just to make the playoffs.
“Okay, so . . . it started off as just a joke,” Jessica tells me. “He’d text me like ‘Hey, wanna go out to lunch?’ and I’d ask if he still had Greg Jennings in his lineup. He’d tell me yes, and then I’d respond, ‘In that case, I am not free for lunch.’”
But by midweek it became clear that a couple of star players for Jessica had injuries and weren’t playing that week. Without them in her lineup, she says, “I got desperate.” So she went over to Nick’s house. “I was wearing my too-small-for-me Bills jersey, and I started making out with him. And then at the worst time I’d pull back and be like, ‘You really ought to sit Matt Forte this week . . . and I think Earl Bennett is going to be huge this week.’ He, in his excited state, caught on and hastily agreed.”
Of course he did. Men have crumbled for much less. “He got his laptop, and we worked it out. He continually needed ‘encouragement’ during the lineup setting because fantasy football is important to both of us and he wasn’t happy about being corrupted. It wasn’t easy.” But eventually Nick started too many Browns (he’s a fan, so it just looked like he was being a homer) and once his poor lineup was set, he and Jessica got down to business.
The way it worked out was
that Jessica made the playoffs as the third seed and her boyfriend Nick was the fourth seed. And did Nick lose? Of course he did. Had he played his correct lineup, would he have beaten his girlfriend and been the third seed? Of course he would have. And had he been the third seed, based on what ended up happening over the next two weeks, would he have won the whole thing? Of course he would have.
The fantasy gods, man. Don’t mess with them. “We learned our lesson,” Jessica says. “And oh, by the way, please change our names. I’m pretty sure my dad will read your book.”
Your secret is safe, “Jessica.” And if it makes you feel better, you’re certainly not the only one to try and take advantage of an existing relationship.
A college buddy invited Scott into a league where everyone else was close friends from high school. Scott completed a deal for a wide receiver that he felt put him over the top. Upon learning about Scott’s trade, Scott’s “buddy” got all his friends in the league to veto Scott’s original trade, and then completed his own trade for the same WR the next day. Sketchy, right? Wrong. It’s super-sketchy.
No one responded to Scott’s complaints on the message board, but he needn’t have worried. Fantasy karma had his back. The wide receiver who got “vetoed” off Scott’s team? Plaxico Burress, just before he shot himself in the leg that year. Scott ended up winning the league and beating the shady owner in the finals. Once again, fantasy karma prevailed. Still don’t believe in fantasy karma? Well, Gomez knows exactly what I’m talking about. Ricky and Gomez are best friends in real life, but “when it comes to fantasy sports,” says Gomez, “we are mortal enemies.”
One year the Balco Bombers League out of McKinney, Texas, drafted at Gomez’s house. Ricky brought over a picture of Gomez and his ex-girlfriend lying on a beach. Everyone had a good laugh, but at some point in the middle of the draft Gomez couldn’t find it. He asked Ricky where it was. Ricky just smiled and said good luck finding it. “My wife is an insanely jealous person,” Gomez tells me. “Thank goodness I found the picture before she did.”
Fantasy Life: The Outrageous, Uplifting, and Heartbreaking World of Fantasy Sports from the Guy Who's Lived It Page 6