“No!” She quickly pulled away from him, sat up, and hugged her knees. “I don’t want him to know.”
“Very well, I can do this myself. Just thought he could learn and help to make this go faster.” He walked over to his medical chest and pulled out some tools and ether. “I am going to have you lie back down and breathe for me. That is all. I will do the rest and when finished you will wake up and not remember anything.”
Allie lay back down and closed her eyes. She felt a tear slip out the corner of her eye at the same moment a cloth was placed over her nose.
She could hear a murmur and felt a tickle on her hand. Slowly, she blinked open her eyes and saw Doc staring down at her. “Good girl!” She could hear him, but she felt like he was speaking to someone else. Her head and body felt separate. She felt a woozy feeling just before she leaned over and retched on the floor. She moaned and wiped her mouth with the back of her arm.
“That is normal and common. It will go away soon. In the meantime, just stay still and let the ether wear off. You’ll feel better in no time and I will let you go home soon.” Doc began cleaning up the mess and brought over a bowl in case there was more.
After a few minutes passed, she felt well enough to sit and listen to what Doc had to say.
“Everything went really well. However, there was damage to your uterus. The injury that brought on the miscarriage was significant. Allie there is no easy way to tell you this, but you may have difficulty carrying a child in the future.” They heard a rustle in the entry just then and Frank called out to Doc. “Hang on a minute, Frank. I’ll be right out. Allie, take your time getting up. I’ll get Frank out of here for you.”
Allie’s heart was pounding. She needed to get up and dress quickly. She wrapped the sheet over her and spun off the bed collapsing in a heap on the floor. Her legs were still weak, and she was groggy, but she pulled herself up and made her way back to the changing corner. She dressed quickly and used her fingers to comb through her hair. When she made her way out she saw Doc and Frank quietly discussing something.
Frank smiled. His eyes held concern for her. “Sorry I took so long. I didn’t expect you to still be here. Are you ready for lunch?”
At the sound of lunch her stomach flipped. She placed her hand on her abdomen willing it to calm. “I…I forgot. I must go home.” Flying passed them she moved as quickly as possible out the door and down the stairs.
Frank ran out after her but stopped short when he noticed a slip of paper laying on the ground. It was a grocery list. He turned and went back to Doc.
“What happened?” He felt his face flush with anger, but he didn’t know why.
“Frank, listen. Allie is my patient and she asked me not to say anything. She will be all right. She needs to get home and rest for a while, though. I’ll go out in the morning and check on her. You should stay away for a while.” Doc knew he was talking to deaf ears, but felt he needed to say that for her sake anyway.
“She is very upset. Is she hurt, too?” Frank’s anger was turning to confusion.
“Allie should be just fine, but I can’t talk to you about this. She needs to be the one to talk to you.” Doc turned and went to straighten up the exam room.
Frank looked at the paper he held. Worry was settling on him like a thick wool blanket in the hottest months of the summer. He needed air and he needed to think. He also needed to talk with Allie. Deciding it would give him a better reason, he headed off to get the items on the list, so he could drop them off at Allie’s house.
Allie had just entered the house when she fell to her knees in pain. Ma came rushing over. “Allie, what’s the matter?” she said as she knelt on the floor next to her daughter.
Allie lay grabbing her midsection with her knees pulled up. Her face was wet, and tears were dampening the floor boards.
“Pa, Pa! Come quick,” Ma started shouting.
Allie quickly wiped her eyes and shakily pulled herself up. “No, Ma! Don’t. I…I’m fine. I will be fine.” She used the side table to help pull herself up and smoothed out her skirt. “See! All better.” She hoped that she could convince Ma that she was and would be fine. She did not want to relive this day ever. “I am sleepy, though. I think I will put myself to bed and rest awhile.”
Ma was not buying this, but for the time being she would play along. She knew her daughter, and if she wanted her to tell her anything she would have to wait on Allie’s time. If she pushed her, Allie would just clam up. She just hoped that her face had relaxed enough to make Allie believe that she would back down for now. “All right. Would you like some help? Or…maybe I can get you something?”
“Water would be lovely. It is so hot right now. Do you think we will be getting rain anytime soon?” Allie was desperately trying to change the subject, but knew she needed to lay down quickly. The pain was intense.
Ma walked over to the kitchen sink and pumped water into a tin cup. “It is very hot. At least our well is deep, so the water stays cool.”
She didn’t share the troubles she knew they could face this summer if the weather didn’t change. Pa was already carrying buckets to keep the seeds watered in the garden. They had the creek, too. Some were not as fortunate to have a direct water source on their lands and had to rely on their wells alone. Wells were known to dry up, though. If your drinking water was also your garden and farm water, you could end up in big trouble…very quickly. She heard Allie climbing the stairs and followed behind with the cup of water. They both entered the bedroom and Allie sat on her bed and bit her lip as she attempted to remove her boots.
“Here hold the water and let me help you.” Ma passed her the cup and began untying the laces. She slipped the boots off and Allie wiggled her toes…a small, but palpable, relief. Allie took a few sips of water and handed the cup back to Ma to put on the night table. Ma lifted her feet and helped her slide under the covers before tucking Allie in. “Let me know if you need anything more. I’ll be downstairs or just outside.”
“Thanks, Ma. I’ll be fine after I rest. I’m sure.” Allie rolled to her side and tried to breathe through the pains that came in waves. Ma left the room with a click of the door and could be heard making her way down the wooden stairs. It took a while, but somehow, she found a way to sleep through the pain.
CHAPTER 13
Allie woke to a knock on the door. She quickly checked her bed covers before responding, hoping that it was just Ma, but she knew Ma wouldn’t have knocked. The door creaked open slowly.
“Allie, can I come in?”
She heard the familiar male voice. She closed her eyes and mentally tried to prepare for what would happen next.
Frank entered slowly with his hands at his sides and his head hanging a bit.
“I told your mother that Doc sent me to come and check on you. That was the only way she’d allow me to enter your bedroom. Wouldn’t be proper otherwise, she said. She gave me strict orders! Said she’d be up to shoo me out if I didn’t make it quick.” He shifted side-to-side—unsure of what to do or say next.
Allie busied her hands…straightening the covers again…as she tried to hide her uneasiness at his presence. Ma would be even more curious now and she would be forced to say the words out loud. The words that she didn’t…couldn’t even think yet.
Frank’s gaze landed on the spot on the blanket that her hand was stroking. “Allie! Is that blood?” He walked closer to the bed to take a closer look.
“What?” she glanced down and then closed her eyes. “Yes…I forgot. I should have taken precautions, but I was trying to just get to sleep so I wouldn’t feel anymore.” She shut her mouth afraid to say more. She needed more sleep…and to clean up. Frank needed to leave so she could handle all of this, because handling it while he was here…and telling him…was not an option.
Frank rushed and knelt beside the bed grabbing Allie’s hand. “What is going on? Please…talk to me?” His eyes were drawn together in concern.
She closed her eyes and took a deep
breath. “Frank, you are not my doctor. Doc said I would be fine and I will be. I just didn’t think of doing womanly preparations before sleeping.” Irritated by the lack of privacy and hoping that this would satisfy him at least for now. She lay back down briefly catching Frank’s blank stare as she closed her eyes.
“I will find out what’s going on one way or another. I am a doctor. If you won’t come right out and tell me what is going on, I will eventually put all the pieces of the puzzle together. If he hurt you…well…anymore then he already has…I swear he will beg me to end his life before I am through with him!”
Frank stood, crossed his arms, and stared at Allie. She remained still…pretending to be asleep. He wasn’t fooled. He knew when Allie didn’t want to do something, no one could convince her. With a sigh, he turned and left the room—closing the door behind him more harshly than he intended.
Allie continued to lie there for a while, hoping that Frank would not return. She could hear faint voices from below. She couldn’t make out what they were saying…although she could guess. Once Ma heard the word blood, she would race up here and demand answers. Answers that Allie didn’t know if she could give as the moments ticked by following Frank’s departure.
He had never barged into her business before. He was always patient and waited for her to come to him. There were times when she never did talk to him and he just let those issues die. Why couldn’t he do that now? She didn’t understand. Couldn’t he just keep to himself and let me deal with the damage?
The more she confided in people, the more she couldn’t pretend it was only a dream. And pretend was what she longed to do. When she was finally brave enough to open her eyes, her room was empty, and she could hear footsteps on the stairs. She knew the sound of those footsteps. Ma was marching her way up—the same as she always did when she was upset about something.
Ma burst through the door.
“What is this about blood stains? Frank said he saw blood. He was rather persistent that I tell him what was going on, but I had to tell him I didn’t know. You will tell me right now or I will march to Doc’s office myself and hear from him.” She stood across the room with her eyes focused on the bed coverings.
Allie lost all control then. “Oh, Mamma! There was a baby!” Tears began racing down her cheeks soaking the front of her nightgown.
Realization dawned across Ma’s face. She went to the closet and pulled out more bed coverings and sheets. Then to the dresser and took out another nightgown. Finally, she approached the sobbing Allie. “Get up. Let’s get you cleaned up and then you can tell me all about it.”
It didn’t take long. Allie was out of bed with clothes changed and ready to reenter bed just before the bedding had been changed. Rushing downstairs, Ma grabbed some extra towels to place under Allie—knowing they would be ruined and never used to dry dishes again. More would need to be purchased soon and money was precious, but that couldn’t be helped. Ma finished up and helped Allie back into bed. Then she waded up all the soiled linens and placed them by the door to take down to wash when she left. She made her way back to the bed and sat next to Allie, silently waiting for her to begin the story.
Allie twisted the sheet between her fingers. She knew she needed to talk to Ma, but it was so hard. She didn’t know if she could put words to her thoughts or if it would be too unbearable.
“Eddie was a passionate man. He was stubborn and set in his ways.” she began, pausing and taking a few breaths. “If things didn’t turn out as he thought they should, he became violent. A few weeks ago, he came home and decided that it was my fault that I hadn’t given him a son. He figured, since we had been married for several months, things should have worked by then. And he accused me of doing something to prevent it. I didn’t, Mamma! I wouldn’t have. You know I would have loved any child that God saw fit to give us…me.”
Ma put her arm around her daughter. She pulled her to her and began stroking her hair as Allie continued.
“He decided to take out his frustration on my stomach. I hurt for days. And when the bleeding started, I assumed it was just my normal cycle. It was when the bleeding continued and then…oh…I don’t know. It was just different. It hurt and lasted a long time, but it wasn’t steady. It would go away only to return and repeated the process a few times. I thought something was different. I thought he damaged me. It wasn’t until Doc saw me that I suspected a pregnancy. When I went to town this morning he examined me to confirm and then did something to help clean everything up. He told me to go and rest, and in a few days I should be good.”
Talking seemed to solidify everything. It felt good, like a stone had been removed from her gut, but her heart began to feel large and heavy. The beats of her heart slowed as her brain finally allowed her to acknowledge what happened. She sunk to her pillow and sobbed silently into it. Ma just kept stroking her hair and letting her mourn the child she would never know.
She lay that way for a while before Ma spoke.
“Many women have lost their children. The fortunate ones lose them before they ever get to know them. You are not different or special. Yes, it hurts, but you will move on with your life. There will be times you will wonder what it would be like if this child was here. You will estimate when you would have given birth. You will pause and reflect every year around the time the child would have been born…always wondering and thinking, what if? You will not…you hear me…will not give that unborn child a name. The pain becomes too much to bear when you name them.”
Ma rose, grabbed the soiled linens, and flew down the stairs leaving Allie feeling dumbstruck. She had never heard Ma talk that way before. It was as if she had secrets and a past she had never shared. Her parents had two children—Allie and Andrew. Were there more that Allie didn’t know about or was Ma speaking about someone else she knew? Ma always had a soft soul with a rough exterior. At least, Allie always knew her that way. Was she always that way or did something happen to make her that way? Her mother suddenly became mysterious to her. That gave Allie something else to ponder while she remained in bed the rest of the day.
CHAPTER 14
Allie recovered quickly and was out of bed the next day. Doc came to check on her and was happy with her progress. He still wanted her to come back to his office in two weeks to have a final exam…just to be sure. And, of course, if anything came up, she was told to send for him right away.
Frank hadn’t made another appearance, and for that she was grateful. Allie didn’t think she could handle him yet. He had changed since he left for Oregon only a few years ago. She wasn’t sure if the change was for the better or not.
Ma had been somewhat distant, making Allie wonder more about the mystery in Ma’s past. Ma was a hard egg to crack sometimes. Allie didn’t know if she should put thoughts about Ma’s past out of her mind or if, in time, Ma would open up to her. Time would tell, and Allie had more than she could handle on her plate right now without adding someone else’s business to it.
Over the next few days, Allie was able to do more and more. She was out in the sun finishing up the last of the wash, and it felt good. Rain was needed, but clouds could be seen in the distance. She hoped that meant a good soak was in their near future. However, that also meant she’d need to pack the water-logged laundry back into the house and hang them to dry from the strings in front of the fireplace.
Normally, this time of year, there would still be a fire burning part of the day, but this year it was too hot for that. The laundry would take longer to dry, but at least it wouldn’t get rained on and need rewashing.
April was just a few days away and that was usually a wet month. Hopefully, the next month would turn the drought around and all would be well again. Flowers were dying off that bloomed closer to May. The warm weather brought plants out of hibernation early, but also left them to wilt from lack of moisture.
As she lugged the basket inside to hang the laundry, Allie spotted Andrew following her movements from across the field. He had been silent
for the past few days. That wasn’t like him. She was unsure if he had overheard and knew what had happened or if he was just wondering. She knew he was thinking something, though. He stared at her whenever they were together, and she even caught him on the floor in the hallway outside her bedroom door the other night.
His injured brain gave her another mystery that she didn’t have time to unravel for the moment. When she reached the door to the house, she heard Pa calling to Andrew for something. Pa was another story. He acted like nothing was amiss. She couldn’t decide if he was completely oblivious or extremely uncomfortable with her situation.
Doing the same chores she had done when she was little was peaceful. Allie’s body instinctively knew what to do and that allowed her brain to wander. She wished she could quiet her mind. It was tiresome trying to figure out how her life had ended up this way, not to mention what she should do next. Rest was fleeting. If only she could close her eyes and open them a year from now.
Wishing away all the struggles sounded refreshing, but not possible. A decision needed to be made. Should she go back and endure life with Eddie, stay married and continue to live with her parents and hope that he wouldn’t come back to retrieve her, or file for a divorce.
Maybe she could run away from her troubles and change her name. Start a new life for herself. She shook her head hoping to dislodge the solution. So long as she was still married to Eddie, that life would eventually catch up with her. She needed finality. That really left only one choice, divorce.
Could she live with the backlash of it? The sideways looks and whispers when people thought she couldn’t hear them? Hanging the last skirt, she took a deep breath. Decision made. She would tell her parents first. Then she could travel to town and speak with the sheriff.
By His Hand Page 6