“Have you been awake long?” I asked him.
“No, but I didn’t sleep that well.”
I nodded. “No news?”
“Just a text from my brother. He’s still with us.”
“Good, you should be able to see him today then.”
“Yes, the storm is clearing, so I should be flying out soon.”
“That’s brilliant news.”
I was relieved, but disappointed our time had come to an end.
“I’m going to call you, after I land. And I’d like to see you again when I get back. I don’t know when that’ll be but if you’d like to, then I’ll take you for dinner.”
“Seriously? You don’t have to say that.”
“You’ve been honest with me, why wouldn’t I be honest with you?”
“Okay,” said, hoping he meant it, and hoping more still he wouldn’t change his mind. I suspected he was the fickle type.
“I better get going,” I said, sitting up. “You need to get ready.”
He sat up beside me and put his arm around me.
“Thank you for last night. You don’t know how much it meant.”
I kissed his forehead and got out of bed. “It was special for me too,” I told him.
“Dream come true, huh?” he teased.
“I’ve had better,” I said. “Bit of a disappointment really.”
He threw a pillow at me. I was lying. But I didn’t say so.
I found my clothes, screwed up and scattered around the bed. Feeling self-conscious around him, I held them in front of me.
“Mind if I take a shower?”
“Of course. And stop covering yourself up,” he said, confidently walking over to me, naked. He pulled the clothes away. “You should be proud of your body. It’s beautiful.”
I felt myself blush as his eyes ran over me. I turned and went into the bathroom, pushing the door shut behind me and turning the shower on. I was only in there for about five seconds before he came in.
“You’re so hot,” he said, pulling open the glass shower screen and stepping in. He pushed me up against the tiles, which were freezing, but I didn’t care. He kissed my mouth, then my neck, then moved down to my breasts. I lifted one of my hips and wrapped my leg around him. He lifted the other so I was straddling his waist, and pushed into me.
I’d never had sex in a shower. I’d never had sex anywhere but on a bed. It was the most intense experience of my life, and as he washed my hair afterwards, he said something about me being the best he’d ever had. I stifled a giggle, certain that wasn’t true after the many, many he’d surely had, but grateful for the compliment all the same.
His hands felt gentle in my hair and after he’d rinsed me off, he turned off the shower and passed me a big white fluffy towel. I dried myself while he brushed his teeth, and then got dressed into my clothes from the night before. I went through to the living room and checked my phone. I had a text from Zoe, sent at 5am. It was 6:30am now.
I woke up, saw your note, decided to go home. So sorry. Hope you’re okay. Call me later x
Well, at least I didn’t have to dash off on account of being a good friend. I slipped my shoes on as Jasper came out of the bedroom, pulling on his jeans.
“I’ve got an hour before I have to leave, want to have breakfast with me?”
“Sure,” I told him. Why did I feel so awkward with him now?
He went over to the phone and ordered a feast. Then he poured us some orange juice and I joined him at the dining table.
“I meant what I said, I will call you,” he said, smiling.
“I believe you,” I told him, taking a sip of juice.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, why?”
“You just seem different.”
“I guess it just feels a bit surreal.”
“I know. For me, too.”
I watched his gorgeous face take another sip of orange juice. A knock came at the door and he got up to receive our breakfast.
“It looks yummy,” I told him as he put it down in front of us.
“I love your voice,” he told me again. “I bet you’re a good singer.”
“Oh god, no. Awful. Always out of tune.”
“Ah, yeah, I think I’ve heard you singing at a few of the concerts, sounded like someone was strangling a cat.”
I leant across the table and punched him on the arm.
“So you’ve slept with many fans I presume?”
He looked up from his eggs. “I’ve had sex with fans, yes. But I’ve never slept with any. I always ask them to leave before morning.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
“So what’s different about me?”
“I wish I knew. But you’re just refreshing, and… my friend.”
“Do you fuck all of your friends?”
He laughed. We ate a little more and then I said I ought to go. He got up and walked me to the door.
“I hope you get there in time, Jasper. And I hope everything’s okay and I… well, I’ll be thinking of you.”
“Thank you.” His eyes welled up and I gave him a hard hug. “I don’t know how I would’ve got through last night without you. I’d probably have drunk myself into oblivion.”
“You don’t need to drink, Jasper. Remember what I’ve said.”
He nodded.
“I’ll call you later, yeah?”
“Sure.”
I decided it was okay if he didn’t. Last night and this morning was enough. If I never saw him again, I’d be fine. One night was okay; I considered myself pretty lucky, really. I just had to keep telling myself that and I might be able to walk away from him without crying.
He gave me one last, lingering kiss and then let me walk back past his security guard, to the elevator. I went back to my hotel, up to my room, grabbed my unpacked backpack, and went back down to walk to the nearest underground station. I walked past Jasper’s hotel again and glanced up at it one more time. The front doors opened and I couldn’t believe it, there he was, head down, baseball cap on, his security guy carrying his luggage as his car waited.
“Jasper.”
His head flew up and his grin was enough to make me melt. He put his arms around me.
“You’re going home?”
“Yeah.”
“Milton Keynes, was it?”
“Yes.”
“You want a lift to the station?”
“No, it’s okay. I can walk.”
“I’ll call you later, then,” he said, squeezing my hand. I squeezed it back and started to walk away. He held on to it for as long as possible and with just one backwards glance, we exchanged smiles, and then he got into the car.
I thought about him the whole way home. Sure, he was famous, sure it’d never work out between us – but if I’d only insisted on getting his number, I could’ve at least tried. I could’ve at least bagged myself a few months more of that incredible sex. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t call me, and despite telling myself that was fine earlier in the day, I was really sad when he actually did not call.
The next day, I saw in the news that his dad had died, and it said he’d been there. I was grateful for that. Except for Zoe, I didn’t tell anyone about our night together and I didn’t sit by my phone like an eager puppy. I had a feeling he wouldn’t call, and he didn’t.
A few months later it was reported that he was back in rehab. I considered writing to him at the clinic, but I didn’t. He didn’t need me – maybe he had for that one night – but not now.
So, life went back to normal. I thought about him all the time, but I got a job, I got on with my life. I met Jon.
And a few years after that, I met Tom.
Chapter Thirty-Two
In the woods, I stared at Jasper, remembering that night and the next morning, listening to what he said and I didn’t know what I wanted, who I should be with, whether I was dreaming or not.
I let go of his hand and just stared at him, his fa
ce hopeful, and something inside me doubted him. Did he just want what he couldn’t have? Did he just want that night back? As special as it was, could it ever be like that again? Wasn’t that a one off? Then I pictured Tom. Lovely, lovely Tom.
“I don’t know what to say,” I managed to whisper.
“Say you’ll think about it.”
“I will.”
“That’s all I can ask.”
“We need to catch up with the others,” I turned to go.
“We came a different way,” Jasper told me as I started walking. I turned to face him.
“What?”
“The path forked off a while back, and I saw them up ahead but I wanted to talk to you, so I led you astray. I’m sorry.”
“Jasper!”
I couldn’t be annoyed, even though I knew I should be.
“I had to speak to you. Sorry.”
He gave me a sad face and I smiled back. “Don’t do that again.”
“I promise. Come on, it’s back this way.”
I came back to where he was and we set off together again.
“So why do you bother with Felicity?”
“Good question. I don’t really know.”
“You don’t like being alone, huh?”
“How do you get me so well?”
I shrugged. “I’ve been stalking you since I was a teenager, remember.”
He laughed. “Oh yeah, that’s true.”
“Felicity deserves more too. She deserves someone who wants her for life, not someone who thinks she’s just better than nothing.”
“You talk a lot of sense.”
“Yes, I’m very wise.”
I let it fall silent, unable to put coherent sentences together when I had so much swirling in my head. We reached the fork where he’d misled me and he gestured to the path we should’ve taken. Very quickly, we’d circled back to the house.
“You’re so naughty, taking me off like that,” I said as we cut across some grass and towards the front steps. “And yet I can’t be cross with you, how do you do that?”
“Because we’re so alike?”
“How so? I’m an ordinary person, you’re an internationally successful superstar.”
“Well, that’s true…”
“Oh dear, there goes your ego.”
“But we are alike. And you’ve led Tom slightly astray so I don’t see how we’re so different in that regard.”
I shot him a look. I was about to reply, but we’d neared the house and Tom came out to the front step, a slight look of concern on his face. I walked up to him and put my arm around his neck for a quick hug.
“What happened?” he asked, a frown on his face as I pulled away.
“We got lost,” Jasper explained. “Totally my fault.”
Tom looked sceptical but didn’t ask any more questions and led us back through to the Fallow Room, where the fire was roaring. I hadn’t realised how chilly it was outside. Jane poured me a cup of tea and I sat by the fire while Jasper told them all how we’d realised we’d gone the wrong way and had to head back. Felicity didn’t even look up from her phone.
A little later, we changed for dinner. I expected more questions from Tom but he didn’t even mention the walk. He was his usual laid back, easy-going self, talking about our day, telling me how he’d enjoyed chatting to Alex, saying how nice it was to have the four of them back in the same room and talking like old times.
I felt like I’d cheated on him. Emotionally, I already had. I was already contemplating my choice. There was Tom, lovely dependable Tom, who’d been nothing but wonderful to me. I had strong feelings for him, but how could I know I truly loved him when I was doubting things so soon?
There was something there with Jasper. Something stronger than I’d felt before; a tie pulling me in. It wasn’t about my teen crush, or his fame. It was about the way he made me feel when I was around him. Like we were two halves that needed to be together to feel whole.
Say I chose Jasper; how would Tom take it? He’d be heartbroken. There would be no chance they’d remain friends, surely. So no Four Apes re-forming. I couldn’t be responsible for that.
If I chose Tom, I’d have to see Jasper. I’d have to pretend and keep that up. Tom could never know about all this.
“I’m going to call Zoe,” I said suddenly, while Tom was getting changed. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
I hurried out of the room without giving him a chance to ask questions, along the corridor, down the stairs, out the door and into the gardens. They were really very beautiful but I didn’t have time to admire them now.
Zoe’s phone went straight to voicemail.
“Zoe, it’s me. I’m sorry I’ve been a crap friend lately, I’ve not called or rung but I’m in a pickle and I need you, so please call me right back.”
I paced up and down for ten minutes, knowing I’d have to get to the dinner table soon and not sure how I’d cope without speaking to someone about this, when my phone rang. I really wanted to chat to Zoe, but it was Laura. She would have to listen. She was my oldest friend. She was the only other person I knew who adored Four Apes. She was about to get the full story.
“Laura, how are you?”
“I’m good! I was wondering if you wanted to get together for a coffee again?”
“Listen, I’d love to but right now I need some advice.”
“Are you okay, you sound kind of stressed?”
So it all came pouring out. About Tom and Jasper and the walk.
“Laura? Are you there?”
“Fucking hell, Ellen.”
“I know.”
“You love Tom.”
“Yes. I think so. But if I love him, why do I feel this way about Jasper?”
“Jasper’s been your crush since you were a teenager. He pays you some attention, it’s no wonder he’s got under your skin. And you had that night with him, there’s chemistry there—”
“What would you do?”
“I’d follow my heart.”
“How am I supposed to know what my heart wants?”
“Imagine what it’s like to be with each of them and go from there. What appeals the most?”
“I can see the future with Tom. It’s there. It’s right in front of me. He’ll be there for me and we’ll have an amazing life. I see him as an amazing companion.”
“And Jasper?”
“When I’m with him, I want him to kiss me and love me and be with me.”
“So that’s about lust?”
“No, not just that. We talk. We really talk.”
“He gets you?”
“Yes! It’s like we’re on the same wavelength.”
“Then I vote Jasper. I know he’s a riskier choice but it sounds like you two have something.”
I took a deep breath. We did have something. But the thought of breaking up with Tom made my heart break.
“I’ve got to go, I’m so sorry, my cab is about to arrive and I’ve got to get dressed, we’re out for dinner with friends tonight.”
“That’s okay, thanks Laura.”
“Call me later if you need to, or tomorrow, yeah?”
“Have a fun evening.”
I hung up and saw I had several texts from Zoe. I sent as long a reply as I could spare time for, explaining everything and then hurried into the dining room, expecting to be the last to arrive but finding only Jasper and Tom waiting.
“Everything okay?” Tom asked as I entered. Jasper smiled at me, then gave me a wink, which I chose to ignore.
“Yes, fine.”
“Felicity’s gone by the way,” Jasper said, taking the seat he’d sat in at lunch.
“Gone?” Tom asked, sitting in his old seat too. So I was going to be next to Jasper again. I didn’t know how I’d survive this weekend without having a nervous breakdown.
“We broke up.”
My eyes flew from the seat I’d been staring at beside him to his face. He’d been watching for my reaction and I felt the blood drain
away from my face. This was real, this was happening and he’d broken up with her. Because I’d advised him to. Because he had feelings for me.
“I’m sorry to hear that, mate,” Tom said, pouring out some water in Jasper’s glass, then collecting the wine bottle for his own. I wondered if that was insensitive for a moment, and waved my hand over my glass as he offered to pour mine.
“None for me, thanks.”
Jasper squinted, thinking this through, no doubt wondering if it was for his sake. Apart from anything, I needed a clear head tonight. And the butterflies wouldn’t mix well with alcohol. It might calm them, but it might also make me too honest.
“We weren’t right for each other,” Jasper told us. “So I called her a cab. She left.”
“That’s a shame,” I said, without looking at him.
“Yeah, sorry Jas.”
“Truth is, I have feelings for someone else.”
I looked directly at him, he was looking at Tom.
“Then it wasn’t right. You’ve done the right thing.”
“She was upset, I did feel bad.”
“You can’t help who you fall in love with. She’ll move on.” I watched Tom saying the words and wondered if he’d feel the same way in Felicity’s position.
“Nah, you can’t help who you fall for,” Jasper said, looking at me intently.
“Sounds like lyrics for your next song,” I quipped. They both laughed.
“Truth is, I’ve had feelings for this person a long time. She’s come back into my life and… well, I think she might be the one.”
“Wow, that’s great man,” Tom said, clueless as to what he was encouraging. I wanted to run from the room, or shrink in my seat, or disappear somehow, but I just sat there, letting my emotions bubble.
“Yeah but she’s with someone else. Don’t know if she’ll want me.”
“Go for it man. You only live once.”
“I’m going to.”
Tom raised his glass. “To getting the woman you love.”
They clinked glasses and I thought I might throw up. If this was Jasper’s idea of a joke, I wasn’t finding it funny. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I excused myself and went outside.
The Truth About Ellen: A feel-good romantic comedy Page 19