Where was he anyway?
I listened to Laura tell me about her life for a bit, which was a welcome distraction. The kids were playing up, the windows needed replacing and one of her friends was having an affair with the neighbour. Someone else’s worries helped ease my own.
After we said goodbye, I rang Zoe for a very similar conversation. Then I watched some TV. It grew dark.
Eventually, I went up to bed. I tried calling Tom, but no answer.
Then I fell asleep.
I woke up at 5am and the bed was empty. Panic rising in my chest, I was sure something bad had happened to Tom. Surely he was hurt somewhere and I would be the cause of that. He’d been so angry, he’d crashed his car or something dreadful.
I snuck out and checked the spare room. The door was open a crack and he was asleep under the covers. He was still so mad with me, he’d not even wanted to get into bed with me.
I tiptoed into the room, got into the bed, and put my arms around him. He hugged me back.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s okay.”
“No, I should’ve told you.”
“So you had my poster on your wall, huh?”
“Yes.” I felt my face go red, but his eyes were still closed.
“Good taste.”
I giggled.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I woke up and wondered where I was. Then I remembered; spare room.
Tom was gone and I got up to head downstairs. He was sitting at the dining table, reading a magazine.
“Morning,” I said, stretching in the doorway.
“Hey,” he said. He turned and held out his arms and I went to him and we shared a tight hug.
“Coffee?” I offered, moving towards the counter to make some.
“Please.”
“So, is everything okay?”
“Yes,” he nodded. “Everything’s okay.”
“I’m sorry again. I should’ve said.”
“It’s okay. I think I understand why you didn’t, and how it might have been hard to just blurt it out later on.”
I nodded and returned to the coffee-making.
“You were out late.”
“Sorry. I met up with Alex.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, I texted him, asked if he wanted to meet up. I wanted someone to talk to, and I knew he was in town.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that you seem like a really nice person and if I cared about you then I ought to let it go.”
“Hmm…” I nodded my head. “Well he’s right, I am really nice.”
Tom laughed.
“He did say something else though.”
“What’s that?”
I took the two mugs of coffee to the table and sat opposite him.
“I said about how things hadn’t been… well, we’ve been a bit distant haven’t we?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”
“I mean, I know relationships have their ups and downs, but we should still be in that starter phase and it feels like we’ve skipped to old married couple already. Bickering and not making love so much.”
“That’s true,” I said, nervous about where this was going; unsure where I wanted it to go.
“He said, if I wanted you, I ought to make sure you knew. So, I’m telling you, I want this to work. Maybe we moved in too soon, and I’m sorry if I pushed you. But just a little effort and work and we can get back on track, right?”
I nodded. “Deal.”
“Good.”
He pulled me in for a kiss, but it felt fake somehow, forced. Would we get back to where we were in the beginning? Should it be this much work, this early on?
“I’m going to get dressed,” I told Tom. I went upstairs, took a long shower, got dressed… and then I fell down the stairs.
It happened in slow motion, like I had time to stop it, but couldn’t. My foot slipped, I fell forward, and then I hit a step and rolled. Just as my head hit the wall, everything went quiet for a second and then I heard Tom calling out my name, asking if I was okay. I couldn’t seem to reply. And then it went black.
When I opened my eyes, I saw white tiles above my head. I could hear people milling about and there were bars either side of my bed. Someone squeezed my hand. I blinked, and then looked. Tom. I was in hospital.
“Hey, look who’s awake,” he said softly.
“Hey,” came another voice. I turned my head. Jasper was on the other side of me. Holy crap. What was going on?
“What happened?” I asked.
“You don’t remember?”
“No. Did I fall?”
“Yes. You don’t remember the doctor explaining?”
I shook my head.
“Probably the anaesthetic,” Jasper chipped in.
“You fell,” Tom explained. “You hit your head and you’re gonna feel weird for a few days as you’ve got concussion. You also broke your leg.”
My leg. I looked down at it.
“I can’t feel it,” I muttered. My voice sounded weird, slurred.
“You had to have an operation,” Tom explained. “It’s going to be fine. It’s just the anaesthetic wearing off.”
“Right,” I said, trying to wiggle my toes without success.
“I’ll go tell the doctor you’re awake,” Tom said, and left the room.
“What’re you doing here?” I asked Jasper.
“I came by the house when the ambulance turned up. I couldn’t leave you. Had to check you were okay. And Tom was worried so I stuck around with him.”
He came by the house. Why?
Tom came back.
“The nurse will be in shortly.”
I closed my eyes again. A slow pain started to throb in my leg. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved I had feeling or to wish it was numb again.
The nurse came and gave me some painkillers, then I fell asleep again for a while. When I woke up, Jasper had gone and Tom was reading in a chair by my bed. He said my parents sent their love and I nodded and yawned.
“I’m so clumsy,” I told him. “I broke my wrist coming out of one of your concerts once.”
He winced. “That must’ve hurt.”
I waved my hand.
“It was Four Apes. My favourite band. It was worth it.”
He laughed softly.
“You know something?”
“What?”
“You’ve become my best friend.”
I had a feeling there was a ‘but’ coming, although he didn’t add anything. I was glad he was there. The room started to spin a little and I closed my eyes again.
It was dark when I woke up. Tom was gone and I was pretty sure it was the middle of the night. My leg felt like it’d been snapped in two, which wasn’t far from the truth. I called the nurse who gave me another dose of pain relief, and I dozed off again. I was grateful for the private room and wondered if having two rock stars at my bedside had had anything to do with landing that.
I was eating my breakfast – cold toast and a bowl of cornflakes – the following morning when Jasper knocked on my door gently. I had a mouthful of food so I beckoned him in with my hand and he came and sat in the chair beside my bed.
“You’re up early,” I said as he sat.
“Couldn’t sleep. I was worried about you. How’s your head?”
“The nurse told me I have a horrible bruise.”
“You’re still beautiful,” he said, blushing. “Sorry. I’ll try and keep those thoughts to myself.”
I smiled at him and took another mouthful. I was starving.
“I feel okay though. A bit dizzy when I stand, but okay. And the doctor says my leg will be fine. I’m hoping I can go home later.”
“That’s really good news. You wouldn’t believe how shocked I felt seeing you unconscious, scared the life out of me. And Tom of course.”
I smiled, unsure what else to say. He smiled back and I couldn’t move my eyes from his gaze. Then he sudde
nly got up and went over to the window and looked out.
“Nice day. I mean, it’s sunny and warm out there.”
“That’s nice. Thanks for coming Jasper.”
Once again the room filled with the unspoken words between us. I had so much to say, yet I didn’t know how to say it. I still didn’t know what I wanted. When he was here, with me, alone, it felt so… natural. But I knew when Tom turned up, I’d feel torn again.
“I was supposed to be flying to Germany later.”
“Why aren’t you?”
“I wanted to stick around, check you’re okay. Cancelled my plans.”
“Was it a work thing?”
“Yeah, just some TV show.”
“You can’t cancel because of me.”
“We’re friends, right?”
I looked away and back down at my pathetic looking, now soggy, bowl of cereal. I pushed it away.
“Friends need each other in times of crisis,” Jasper continued. I didn’t reply. “And I need you to know, I’m here for you. I’ll keep showing up. And if Tom slips up, then I’ll be there. To pick you up again.”
He looked at me intently and I felt my heart speed up. He said all the right things.
“And how long would that last? Until you went off on tour and met some other girl you liked?”
“I only want you.”
“That’s what you say now.”
“You’d come on tour with me anyway. I wouldn’t leave you behind.”
“What if I didn’t want to come? What if I wanted to stay home, didn’t want to give up my job?”
This seemed unlikely – putting up with Tammy and Darby all day verses travelling the world in first class? But still. He shouldn’t assume.
“Then I’d quit. Whatever you wanted, I’d follow you.”
I laughed. “You make life sound so easy.”
“If only, eh?”
He turned back to the window.
“I want you to leave,” I said, unsure where it was coming from.
He spun around again.
“What?”
“You can’t keep turning up like this. If you care about me at all, then you need to leave me alone. You’re making me on edge. I’m not being very nice to Tom, and I’m confused and uncertain all the time. Everything was good before you came back into my life, everything was going just fine. So, I want you to leave.”
I couldn’t bear the hurt look on his face so I looked down at my toes, which I could now wriggle, despite the pain it caused. I moved them a little and focused on that while he stood there.
“So you’re one hundred percent sure you want him over me?”
No, but I couldn’t see another way.
“Yes.”
“You love him? Completely?”
“Please leave.”
“Answer the question. You’re still not sure, are you?”
“Jasper. Please go.”
I looked up at his hurt expression and felt my heart break.
“I told you in Devon. My choice is made.”
“Fine!”
He stormed out, and I started to cry.
“Oh babe, don’t be upset. What’s wrong?” Tom came in, flowers in hand. “Did Jasper annoy you? He seemed pretty pissed off. What was he doing here?”
“He was just passing, wanted to say hi.”
“Why the tears?”
“I’m just feeling crap,” I lied to him once again. “My leg hurts and I want to go home.”
“We’ll get you home in no time. Let me find the doctor.”
He left the flowers on the bed and went off in search of help. My hero.
I didn’t deserve him.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The day after I was released from hospital, Tom bought home Chinese food and we sat in the living room eating it, with my leg up on the sofa. He’d been very attentive, but we were both quiet with each other. I was wondering what he was thinking all the time. Had he doubted his feelings for me too? He seemed cold, less romantic. Like he was taking care of a friend. I didn’t know how to get back to the romantic stage.
Every time I thought about Jasper, I pushed him from my mind. I had to get over this, had to forget whatever feelings I had. I kept picturing those eyes looking into me, as if he saw me better than any other person on earth did, and then I’d force myself to think of something else. Anything to stop the hurt I felt whenever I realised I’d rejected him.
Tom was clearing away the dinner plates and I was practising on my crutches, moving around the living room. The doorbell rang.
“Are you able to get that?” Tom asked from the kitchen sink.
“I think so!” I was quite proud of myself, hobbling to the front door. I opened it.
There in front of me was the man I’d dreamt about turning up on my door for many, many years. The blue eyes. The dark hair. The man I’d rejected in the hospital only a day ago. The man I still wanted, but had to give up for the man in the kitchen.
What the bloody hell was he doing here?
I stared at him blankly.
“Aren’t you going to greet me? Invite me in?”
I moved to one side and he passed me and went into the living room. I shut the door and went back in there. He was standing in the middle of the room.
“Hey Jasper, you all right?” Tom asked, coming in and slapping him on the back.
“Sorry to drop in on you unannounced,” Jasper said, smiling awkwardly at us both. Tom frowned and looked at me. “I just wanted to say hello.”
“I’m making drinks, you want a tea, coffee?”
“Coffee, thanks.”
Tom wandered back towards the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” I whispered, unsure if Tom could still hear us.
“I needed to see you,” Jasper whispered back.
“Have you been drinking?”
He gave me a hurt expression. “No. Of course not.”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t understand.”
“I can’t let you go.”
“You have to, Jasper.”
“I can’t.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to tell Tom.”
“You’re going to tell me what?” Tom appeared with a tray of hot drinks. He set them down on the table, looking a bit concerned but more confused than anything.
“It’s time you learned the truth about Ellen,” Jasper said, sitting down. Tom looked at me, back at Jasper, then sat opposite him. My heart started beating faster and my hands grew sweaty instantly. Yet my mouth was powerless. I couldn’t find any words to stop this from happening. Somehow, I wanted it to happen. I wanted Tom to know everything. Because how could I give myself to him completely until he knew?
I was going to sit back and let this happen. The butterflies swirled up into my chest, threatening to make me bring up that wonderful food again. I took a deep breath and sat down on the sofa besides Tom.
“What?” Tom looked hurt and angry at the same time. I hated causing that.
“She’s a huge Four Apes fan. Has been since we started.”
“I know that. I mean, I knew she was a fan. I think huge is exaggerating.”
“How many times have you seen us live, Ellen?” Jasper turned towards me.
“Eleven,” I admitted.
Tom rolled his eyes. “What does it matter now, Jasper? So she fibbed a bit.”
“We slept together.”
There. It was out. It was laid bare for Tom to hear, to imagine it, to deal with, and the pain on his face brought fresh tears to my eyes.
“When?” he asked quietly. He was looking at me.
“Before I met you,” I told him, my voice cracking.
“Seven years ago,” Jasper piped up again. “We spent a whole night together. It was amazing, Tom. She’s amazing.”
“I know she’s amazing. But what happened? You let her go?”
“I lost her number.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “So you me
t her again and couldn’t cope seeing her with me, right? This just reminds me of Victoria!”
Who the bloody hell was Victoria?
“No, not like Victoria. That was just sex. It was stupid and immature of me and I know I shouldn’t have done that.”
“So what’s different now?”
“I love Ellen.”
“What?”
What? He loved me? I mean, I knew he had feelings. Strong feelings. I knew he wanted me again, but he loved me? Jasper Ryan loved me? I stood up and hopped over to the window and looked out. I felt the need for fresh air and pushed open the window. I couldn’t face either of the men in the room.
“You heard me. I love her.”
My world went into free-fall. The room started spinning. I put my hand out to the wall to steady myself.
“Do you even know her that well?”
“Well enough. You haven’t known her that long yourself.”
“We live together, Jasper. We know each other pretty well.”
“Did you know about his feelings?” Tom said to me, sending his anger in my direction.
“I… er, yes.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“She didn’t tell you she slept with me either.”
“Why didn’t you mention that when we met? Ellen?”
I blinked a few times, everything felt a bit surreal and out of focus.
“I didn’t think you’d want to get involved with me if you knew.”
Tom sighed. “You should’ve told me.”
“Did she say yes?” Jasper asked. I didn’t know what he meant.
“I haven’t asked her yet,” Tom told him. I turned to face them. What were they talking about now?
“What?” I looked from one to the other of them.
“He was going to propose to you tonight,” Jasper told me.
“For fuck’s sake, Jas!”
Jasper continued, ignoring him.
“That’s why I came round here. He told me he’d bought you a ring. I had to intervene.”
“Thanks a lot Jasper.” Tom shook his head and leaned his head back on the sofa, looking up at the ceiling.
“You were going to propose?” I asked him, unsure whether to be excited or scared.
“I was thinking about it.”
Huh, so he wasn’t sure about it. Why was that a relief? I didn’t know what to say.
The Truth About Ellen: A feel-good romantic comedy Page 22