“Are you hurting again? You haven’t used your PCA yet. All you have to do is push the button. If it is time for you to have medication, it will allow the machine to give it to you. Don’t worry about overdosing, the machine is designed to prevent that from happening. Just don’t let anyone else press the button for you.” Kristina was sweet, and I felt horrible for being bitchy to her.
“No, I’m okay. I didn’t know I was pregnant. God, I don’t know what to do. It would have to be Colton’s, right?” My brain wouldn’t function and my brain felt like mush. “What if it’s not Colton’s? Is that possible?” I closed my eyes, but the tears still escaped. My mom held a cool washcloth to my head and whispered words of comfort much like she did when I was little. I lay still against my pillow. “When can I take a shower? I feel gross.” I was shaking, and I just wanted control over something in my life right now.
“I’ll check with the doctor and let you know.” She stood, rested her hand on mine and gave me an encouraging smile before leaving the room. Was my life ever going to be in my control?
Hacker and Hollywood had wordlessly followed me out of the hospital and down the highway at 80 mph as I chased my demons. I couldn’t believe she could think she wasn’t beautiful to me anymore. She was fucking gorgeous. I didn’t care about what she looked like right now. I fucking loved her inside and out. I didn’t care if she had five eyes and no nose, I would still love her. Okay, that was a little extreme, but you get what I fucking mean. Shit. I fucking loved her. When the fuck did that actually happen? When I first saw her again, I told her I loved her, but I didn’t know just how deeply at that time. It became a painful reality when I thought she was dead to me forever, but I honestly believed I’d loved her from the first moment I saw her. She had been my saving grace, my angel, while I was deployed and throughout my hellish recovery. I carried her in the back of my mind this whole time.
When I found out she had given birth to my child? Shit. First I was angry thinking she had purposefully kept my baby from me. It was stupid, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. Who would when they just found out they had been a dad for over two fucking years without knowing? That was quite a shocker. I was an only child, and I had lost my mom my senior year of high school and never knew my dad. Family was a rare and precious commodity to me. Deep down, I knew she wouldn’t do that. She was too good a person, but I was fucking angry and hateful.
She truly touched and unfurled a part of my soul I thought had shriveled up and died in Afghanistan. She made me feel like I had a purpose in life again. What was I going to do if she fucking turned her back on me because she couldn’t get past this? I knew the dark place I was in after leaving the Army. I couldn’t even imagine her being in that hellish place. I needed to fucking be there for her, but if she shut me the fuck out, how did I make her let me in?
We returned to Stephanie’s apartment late that night. Hollywood and Hacker split off to go have some drinks and then head to their hotel. I felt bad that I missed Remi before she went to bed, but I didn’t want her to see me this way any more than I wanted her to see her momma like she was right now. I spoke with Stephanie’s parents briefly, bringing her dad up to speed on what was going on before he headed up to the hospital. Her mom placed her hand on my face and told me to be patient with her and things would work out. She started to say something and then appeared to change her mind. She looked as drained as I felt from being at the hospital most of the day. Feeling completely exhausted, I went to Remi’s room to crash on the floor by her bed where I could listen to her soft, sweet, innocent breaths as I drifted into a restless sleep.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” I woke to Remi shaking the bars of her crib and hollering for me. She smiled her big grin at me when I opened one eye and looked up at her. Her little arm was stretched through the bars toward my head, with her fingers wiggling like it would make them longer to reach me. Smiling back at her, I reached up and took her fingers in mine.
“Hi princess. Daddy’s here.” I groaned as I sat up. Shit, my body couldn’t take all the abuse I had been handing it lately. Once upon a time, I would have crashed on a pile of rocks in the mountains or out on the sand in the desert and slept when and where I could. Damn, not any more. I picked up the quilt I had wrapped around me and tossed it over the end of the crib.
Reaching down into her crib, I swooped her up and into the air, then plastering kisses all over her giggling face. Between this little precious girl and her momma, my heart was gone. They fucking owned it. And now… shit. Hugging Remi to me, I thought about what the doctor had told me. Remi was going to be a big sister. Part of me wondered if it was mine. I didn’t know all the details of her life before we found each other again. I was going through each time in my mind, and I was pretty sure we had used protection every time. No, I wasn’t fucking stupid and I knew they weren’t infallible, but…
I closed my eyes, hugging Remi to me tightly until she began to squirm. I set her down and she ran off toward the living room and kitchen in search of her grandparents and food. I went to brush my teeth and get ready to go see Stephanie. If she would see me….
IT HAD BEEN ALMOST two weeks since my admission, and I was finally being discharged. My deepest wound had developed an infection, prolonging my stay unfortunately, but after several days of IV antibiotics, the doctors had finally deemed me able to go home for the rest of my recovery. My mom had brought me a set of clothes to wear home when she visited yesterday. So here I was dressed in my yoga pants and a baggy T-shirt to prevent too much pressure or constriction on my healing wounds. The swelling was gone from my face and the bruising was fading to an awful greenish-yellow blend. All I was waiting on was the nurse to go over my discharge instructions and for my mom to get here.
Reaper had tried to see me every day, multiple times a day, and I had turned him away and left instructions with the staff not to let him in. I didn’t know what exactly had happened to me, and until I did, I couldn’t stand the thought of him feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want his affection if it was strictly the result of guilt. Not to mention, I felt dirty. Soiled. Ruined. Not good enough for him. The doctors told me I may never recover my memories of the incident.
The pregnancy needed to be discussed, but I was terrified it may not be his, despite what the doctor said. Just because they didn’t have evidence suggesting Michael had raped me, did not mean he didn’t. What if the tests were wrong and baby was his? How exact was that crap, anyway? How could I possibly expect Reaper to want anything to do with me or this baby without knowing if it was his or not? I hadn’t had sex with anyone but him that I was aware of, but that was the problem. I didn’t remember. If by some crazy chance it turned out this baby wasn’t his, I needed to let him go and he needed to move on. Right? The doctor had tried her best to reassure me that the time frame completely precluded Michael from being the father, but fear and lack of my own memories made me distrustful.
The nurse came in and went over all my paperwork. My dad had headed back to the house late last night so I could sleep and my mom was picking me up but still wasn’t here. Maybe traffic was bad. I decided to lie down and rest until she got here.
The feeling of being watched jolted me awake. I guess I dozed off. I raised myself carefully so I didn’t pull anything too badly and looked over to find Reaper standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets. His expression was unreadable, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from running over his body. God, the man was still the sexiest man I had ever seen, and just looking at him made my heart ache. Jesus.
He smirked, and I felt my face heat because I knew he had noticed my perusal of his gorgeous body. Asshole. Why did he have to be so damn good looking? And why was he here? My mom was supposed to come and get me. Damn it. I wanted to run my tongue across the coarse hairs of his beard and into his dimples. Argh! Stop it, Steph! Get control of yourself for God’s sake!
“Your mom and dad headed back home with Remi. We loaded up all of your stuff this morning in your brother’s and
your dad’s trucks. Your brother, Sam, rode my bike back for me so I could drive you in your SUV. Stephanie, we need to talk, and I thought this would be a good chance for that.” He suddenly looked tired and uncertain. Vulnerable. This was not the self-assured, hard-ass Reaper I knew.
“Maybe we don’t have anything to talk about right now.” I looked away from the mesmerizing quality of his blue eyes and out the hospital window. How did life go on and people in their cars just keep driving down the road when my life had been so interrupted? Didn’t it affect anyone else? I felt a deep depression settling in at the thought of the empty chasm in my memories. It wasn’t fair.
“Then I guess we’ll spend a few hours in companionable silence. Come on, Stephanie, you can’t stay here. The nurse told me you had been discharged and were ready to go. Please let me help you down to the car.” He stepped back out of the room and wheeled in a wheelchair, stopping by my bedside, placing the brakes on, and flipping up the footrests.
“You know your way around a wheelchair.” Oh wow. That was intelligent. Of course he did. Smooth. “Reaper, why do you call me Stephanie all the time? Everyone else calls me Steph, but not you.” I couldn’t help being curious, and it seemed a better topic than bringing up his wheelchair experience from his past injuries.
“Well, first, yeah, I spent more than a little bit of time in one.” He gave a self-depreciated smile. “And second question, because you are so much more than Steph to me. I like to think you are more special to me than to anyone else. You’re elegant, beautiful, and special. You are my Stephanie.” His eyes took on an intense shimmer as he held out a hand to me in an offer to help me to the chair.
I looked at his hand as a peace offering, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to accept that he wanted something to do with me because he still wanted me. Pity and guilt seemed a more likely driving force. My desire to touch him won out, and I extended my hand to his. As he clasped my hand in his, I felt tingles and a jolt that flickered through my body all the way to my toes. My eyes met his in stunned astonishment. Did he feel that? His eyes widened only slightly and, had I not been looking for it, I would have missed it. Oh yeah, he felt it.
My nipples puckered under my thin lace bra in response. Of course, they drew his attention. God, did the man have radar for sexual desire? Shit. I saw him try to hide his smile, and I tried to look stern in reproof, but I couldn’t stop a small chuckle from escaping. Shaking my head, I gently sat down in the chair. Shit, that hurt my stomach. Now I was wishing I would have taken the nurse up on her offer of a pain pill before she discharged me as a small groan escaped from my lips.
“Are you okay?” He was quickly down on one knee in front of me, holding my hands in one of his big, calloused palms while the other gently stroked my hair from my face. The concern on his face was genuine and touching. When I wordlessly nodded, he stretched up to kiss first the cheek his fingers had caressed and then, ever so softly, my lips. He took his time ending the tender kiss and ran the very tip of his tongue across my bottom lip as he pulled slightly away.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Stephanie. You’re hurt but your body calls to mine like a siren, and I want to taste you even now.” His forehead rested against mine as he gathered control of his ragged breaths. “We need to get out of here and on the road. I’m such a stupid, selfish prick.”
Standing and gently placing my small overnight bag over the wheelchair handle, he surrendered me to my nurse who came in and pushed me out of the room and hospital entrance. I was disappointed I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Kristina. She had been my nurse for the majority of my stay, and I would actually miss her kindness, humor, and wit.
Reaper tucked me carefully into the car and buckled my seat belt, ensuring it didn’t place undue pressure on any of my worst injuries. God, his consideration was going to be the death of me. He left me feeling so conflicted. On one hand, I craved his touch and his love, but on the other, I didn’t feel good enough for him anymore.
After getting me settled, he waved to my nurse, who repeated my instructions to stop and walk around every hour or so, and jogged around my SUV. Of course, I couldn’t help but watch the muscles in his arms flex and bulge as he climbed in the driver side. Fuck me. He was sexy as shit. Yeah, I wanted to taste him too. So much so, my mouth felt like it was literally watering.
He looked at me briefly, flashing those dimples like a weapon as we pulled out and into traffic headed home to my parents. Yikes, it was going to be a long three hours.
I could fucking smell her. She must have showered before I got there because her golden hair was shimmering down her back, ending in thick, looping curls. Her hair smelled like strawberries or some fruity shit, and her skin smelled intoxicating. My fucking cock was straining against the denim of my jeans, and I felt like a first-class asswipe for being horny when I knew she was still hurting. I just couldn’t seem to control my body’s desire for her when I was this close to her. It was fucking crazy. I needed to distract myself and quick.
“So the doctor’s said you made an amazing recovery, all things considered.” Fucking smooth, Romeo. Why couldn’t I think of anything intelligent to fucking say to her? I knew she didn’t want to talk about her injuries.
“Yeah, I guess so.” She continued to look out the window. We had been driving for over an hour, and we had hardly spoken two words up until now. Her next words were so soft I was afraid I imagined she had spoken. “They told you, didn’t they? About the baby.” She chewed on her bottom lip nervously.
Oh fuck. We were going there first.
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“Reaper, I—”
“Stephanie—”
We both started to speak and then silence ensued as we each waited for the other to continue. I finally broke the silence.
“Look, baby, I know condoms aren’t always 100 percent. I get that. I don’t blame you at all. Shit happens and sometimes it’s just meant to be. So Remi will be a big sister. There are worse things in the world, right? Just promise me we’ll get through this together. I want us to at least try to be a family, Stephanie. I want that so bad, you have no idea.” I tried to get everything out in one breath before I lost my courage. When I saw a tear escape her eye nearest to me, I felt myself crumble. I fucking hated to see her cry. It ripped at my soul. Shit, please don’t let her tell me no. Not now. Not ever.
“Reaper, what if the doctors were wrong and the baby isn’t yours?” A sob escaped her as she tried not to cry. “I don’t remember what happened. My days have all run together. I can’t even remember how long he had me. I have to go by what everyone is telling me because I can’t remember! What if this baby is his? How can I expect you to love this baby if that’s the case? I just can’t do that to you, don’t you understand?”
“Stephanie, stop it. Was there anyone in the weeks before we found each other again?” She shook her head no. “Then I absolutely believe this baby is mine. Regardless of what may or may not have happened, this baby is a part of you, and I love you, so I’ll love this baby. I believe the doctors. They know their shit. Okay? You are mine. Remi is mine. This baby is mine. Period.”
She turned to me slowly, like she was in a trance, her hand frozen in midair as she had reached to wipe away another tear. It dawned on me what I had just said. Oh shit. I briefly closed my eyes before returning them to the road. Gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white, I quickly glanced over to her again. She still hadn’t moved. That was not exactly how I planned to tell her. Fuck. I was such an idiot.
“Do you mean it, Reaper? Or was that a slip of the tongue?” she whispered.
“Look, baby, I don’t expect you to feel the same about me. I just needed you to know how I feel about you. I know I said it before, but I didn’t want you to think I only said it because sex was involved. This wasn’t exactly how I planned to make sure you knew I had really meant it, but hey, like I said, shit happens. But yeah, I fucking love your stubborn ass. I’m fucking crazy about yo
u, and I cannot imagine my life without you and Remi as a part of it. When I thought I had lost you, I wanted to die with you. I couldn’t fathom going on in life without you.” I looked at her, pleading without words for her to give us a chance. Silence enveloped us for several miles while she sat with her head resting back on the seat and her eyes closed.
“Reaper, stop the car.” She reached her hand over, grasping my arm in a death grip. I didn’t know if she was hurting or wanting to get away from me. “Reaper! Stop the fucking car!” she screamed at me, and I quickly swerved over to the shoulder and hit the brakes as easy as I could without hurting her.
“Baby, what? What? Please, baby, don’t hate me for having shit for romance or delicacy when telling you how I feel just now. Don’t push me away. Please, baby…” I had never begged like a fucking child in my life, but for this girl? Yeah, I would fucking beg. The thought of her walking away after I had bared my soul to her, straight-up eviscerated me.
Tears ran in a steady stream down her face. She was gasping for breath and panting like a wild thing. Her eyes were staring off into space, and I thought she might hyperventilate. Jesus. Her door flew open, and she started to vomit out the door. Leaning over quickly, I grasped her hair, keeping it pulled back. When she was finished, she chugged some of her drink and spit it out. Finally, her head turned to me and she covered her mouth with a delicate hand and the other cradled her healing abdomen.
“Oh hell… I’m sorry. Reaper, I remember. Jesus, God, I just remembered. I remember some of what happened. What he did to me. I remember lying there praying for you and thinking I was going to die without you knowing I love you. He was crazy. He was going to kill me. You saved me, baby. You killed him and saved me.” Ghost white, she had the look of someone who was in shock, and she was scaring me.
Colton's Salvation: A Demented Sons MC Novel Page 24