by B. B. Hamel
“Yeah, I hear you. Please don’t turn into a psycho stalker.”
I laughed. “Maybe I’ll turn up at his apartment with a boom box playing sappy love songs until he comes out.”
“Great idea. Guys love that.”
I turned away and flopped back onto the couch, careful not to spill my wine. What if he didn’t call me? I was starting to think that was a real option, but I had no clue how I’d react. I knew he was interested in me, or at least it seemed like he was. I couldn’t imagine he would break ties because he didn’t want to see me anymore. If he were trying to protect me, I’d have to show him that I could handle myself.
Amy joined me on the couch, and turned the TV on. She flipped through some channels before stopping on the reality TV show about female wrestlers. It was starting to become our go-to trashy option.
“Why do we fall for complicated men?” she said softly.
I snuggled up against her. It suddenly felt exactly like college. There we were, sitting on the couch together drinking wine and watching bad TV while talking about boys. The nostalgia of the moment hit me hard, even though we were only a year out of school.
“They’re always the ones worth trying for,” I said. I realized how much I meant it, too. I had been with my fair share of nice, normal guys over the years, but it wasn’t until Rex that I really felt like fighting for something.
“I wish relationships could be free and easy all the time,” she said.
“Me too, kiddo. Unfortunately, you decided to fall in love with a reclusive billionaire.”
She grinned. “I guess it’s not all that bad.”
“Not at all. Meanwhile, my ex-druggie whatever-he-is won’t call me, maybe because he’s been beaten to death somewhere, or maybe because he just doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
She wrapped her arm around me, concern etched in her face. “It’s going to be okay, Darce, I promise. He’ll call.”
“Yeah, maybe he will.”
“And if he doesn’t, I’ll use Shane’s money to hunt him down.”
I laughed. “I’m sure that’s exactly what Shane wants to use his money for, hunting down his brother’s old crime partner or whatever they were.”
“Oh, he won’t even notice a few thousand missing.”
“Probably not. Must be rough.”
She laughed. “You know it isn’t about the money, right?”
“Seriously, what is it about?” I looked up at her, wondering.
She was quiet for a moment.
“It’s about him, who he is,” she said. “It’s about the way he walks into a room and makes me feel. It’s the, I don’t know, the energy he puts out. It’s confident and strong, but there’s so much more to him. He gets me, he laughs at my jokes, and he makes me feel special. It’s everything about him. If he were poor, I would still love him.”
I understood what she was saying. Part of that was how I felt about Rex, but I couldn’t be in love with him, not yet. Still, the way Rex walked into a room, his confidence and his poise, the way my body felt beneath his, everything about him made me want more. I was used to being denied things and having to work hard for what I wanted, and I was used to feeling shame and fear. Rex took those feelings away from me. During our brief time together, I never once thought about my father rotting away in jail, or my mother working hard for scraps. I never wondered if she was really a psychic or not, because I was too busy wondering how Rex could read my body like a map. I understood what Amy was saying because Rex took a lot of my pain away.
“I want to feel like that,” I said.
She smiled and fake punched my arm. “You will, don’t worry.”
We lapsed into silence, but the seed of something began to form itself in my mind. It wasn’t exactly a plan, or at least it wasn’t a plan yet, but it was an idea. I had to see him again, or at least I had to get closure from him. I wasn’t the crazy type, but something about him was too powerfully magnetic for me to ignore. As we sat in silence and watched the wrestling girls cry and beat each other up, I imagined Rex somewhere out in the city, fighting for his life.
Chapter Twelve
Later that night, after Amy left, I took out my phone and typed a message. Haven’t heard from you in a few days, I would love to see you again. I stood around, slightly drunk on wine, debating whether or not I should send it for maybe twenty minutes. I agonized over the wording, and worried that it might sound too formal. I even considered adding some emoji. I hated that I was suddenly the indecisive type, worrying over what a boy would think, but I couldn’t help it. I was deep into something I had no power over. It swept me through and passed what felt normal, into another place entirely. In the end, I braced myself and hit send.
There was no response that night, or the following day. I half expected something, and kept checking my phone over and over. But there was only silence from Rex, and his silence blossomed a thousand more questions in my mind. Each question spawned another, until I felt like I was in a spiral of confusion and anger. I hated that I was acting like an angst-ridden teenager. I wasn’t used to pining for a man like that, and I had no idea how to force myself back into a normal mindset.
Monday came around, and I went into work like always. But I felt off, distracted, and my work seemed to pile up around me as I struggled to stay afloat. Marissa droned on like usual, and I didn’t even bother with my usual half-hearted responses. That didn’t seem to deter her one bit, though.
As the day wore on, my resolve began to strengthen. I had a plan, although I knew my plan was absolutely insane. Still, Rex was leaving me no choice. I felt like we had unfinished business somehow, like he had been pulled away from me in the middle of an important transaction. I left something with him, and I needed it back. Even if I was tracking him down for closure, at least that closure was better than total silence.
It was crazy and reckless, but I was going to Drake’s that night. I wanted to sit at the bar, have a few drinks, and wait for him. Maybe he would show, or maybe he wouldn’t, but I guessed his people would tell him about me. Word would get back to him.
It was a great plan.
––––––––
After work that night, I rushed home and changed. I put on old converse sneakers, white ankle socks, a high-waisted mini-skirt, and an old crop-top band T-shirt. I was going for grungy chic, and I thought I pulled it off. Better to try and blend in with the Drake’s crowd, at least. Plus, it was Monday, not exactly a dressed-to-the-nines sort of night.
In the cab on the way over to Drake’s, I was terrified. I realized I had no clue if Rex would be around, let alone want to see me. He had warned me to stay away from the bar, that it would be dangerous for me. But I had already been there twice, and it was fine both of those times. Maybe that was because he had been with me. Worst-case scenario, I’d run into Michael and his goons. If that happened, I’d get out of there as fast as I could. Otherwise, I was in it for the long haul. My plan was to sit at the bar and ignore everyone around me. Hopefully, Rex would show up, and I could talk to him. If he didn’t want to see me, then that would be the closure I needed. I’d be disappointed, maybe even a little sad, but I could at least start to move on.
I paid the driver and tipped him, then made my way down the block toward the bar. I felt a brief moment of relief when I saw nobody lurking outside the dimly lit front door, and it seemed quieter than normal. I stood out front for a minute, gathering myself together. It was completely insane and irresponsible, but I had been feeling insane and irresponsible for a while. That night was one more way I could try and make myself feel alive, the way I felt when I was with Rex. After a few deep breaths, I pushed the beat up front door open and walked into the room.
It was pretty empty inside. There were a few people sitting in stools around the bar, and one couple sitting in a booth. Otherwise, it was quiet as I made my way up to my usual spot. I sat down, put my small clutch on the bar top, and ordered a whiskey and Coke. The place looked the way it always had
: dimly lit, pool tables, slightly dirty. Nobody even bothered to look up at me, which was good. The bartender returned with my drink, and I sipped it as I flipped through my phone.
I knew I was in the heart of enemy territory, although I had a hard time really grasping that. Rex wanted to get away from those people, and continually told me how dangerous they were, and yet I hadn’t seen anything to prove that. Really, Drake’s seemed like a pretty tame, boring local bar. It was true that Michael had creeped me out, but it’s not like he was being aggressive. Okay, honestly, he had terrified me. But still, he hadn’t done anything exactly to deserve that response.
As I reflected further on the last two times I had sat at the bar, the front door opened and in walked a few young guys. I recognized the one in the front of the group: it was Tadd, the creep from the other night. I kept my head down and hoped he wouldn’t notice me, but there were so few people in the bar that it was impossible for him not to. I glanced back up as the group sat down at a nearby table and caught Tadd leering at me, a big grin on his face. I quickly looked away and sipped my drink.
His group ordered pitchers and sat down, laughing loudly and talking. I tried to ignore them, but I could feel Tadd’s eyes burning into my back. I finished my first drink and felt the warm, comforting buzz of the alcohol wrap itself around my brain. I nodded to the bartender and ordered another.
Before my second drink appeared, I felt a body take the seat next to me.
“Hey there, blondie,” Tadd said. I looked at him and frowned. His pig face was scrunched up and he had this terrible, leery smile in his eyes.
“Hi, Tadd,” I said quietly. The bartender returned with my drink.
“No Rex around tonight, blondie?”
I shook my head in response. “Just waiting for him.”
“Oh, you’re waiting for him, are you? That’s interesting.” Tadd took a deep drink from his beer and shifted his body closer. I could smell his thick stench and shied away as much as I could.
“Yeah, he should be here soon.”
Tadd’s grin grew larger. “He’s going to be here, in this room?”
“That’s what I said.”
He leaned his left elbow on the bar top and looked at me curiously. I couldn’t read his expression. “That’s very interesting, blondie. Very interesting. Say, why don’t you come join my friends and me over there? We’re very friendly.”
“No thanks. Like I said, waiting for Rex.” I didn’t understand why he wasn’t getting the hint.
His grin got even bigger. “That’s okay, he can join us too.”
“No, thanks. I’m fine here.”
“Oh come on, blondie. It’ll be fun. I’ll buy you drinks.”
I looked at him as seriously as I could. “I said no, Tadd.”
His face dropped. “You’re a rude bitch, aren’t you?”
“Leave me alone, you smell like shit.” My heart began to hammer in my chest.
He burst out laughing. “Rude and ballsy. When’s Rex getting here?”
I felt my hands begin to shake and the fear spike through my body. Something felt off about the conversation. Tadd was terrified of Rex the last time we had talked, but for some reason he wasn’t backing down. I realized suddenly that he knew I was bluffing, but it was too late to go back. I had to convince him I wasn’t lying, and that Rex was going to show up soon.
“I don’t know. I heard from him this morning. He’s meeting me here.”
“Rex isn’t coming here, you fake bitch.”
“Call me a bitch again.” I wanted to claw his disgusting eyes out.
He leaned closer, and I could smell his breath. It was like old pickles and mothballs mixed with alcohol.
“Bitch.”
“I’m going to rip your balls off,” I said, gripping my drink.
He leaned back and laughed again. I felt a few of the people at the bar watching us, but nobody looked like they wanted to intervene.
“Come on, come join me and my friends. It’ll be fun. I’ll treat you better than Rex ever did.”
“I said, leave me alone, Tadd.” I felt my anger beginning to overtake my fear.
“Don’t be so stuck up. I’m a nice guy.”
“I just want to be left alone right now.”
“Why, so you can meet with your big, handsome junkie fighter boy?”
“What do you know about Rex?”
“I know Rex is a junkie. I know he shot up thousands of dollars into his pathetic junkie veins, and now Michael owns him.”
“What are you talking about?” I knew Rex owed Michael money, but he never said exactly what he had done to fall into debt. I assumed it was a gambling issue, or maybe he had borrowed it for some stupid reason, but drugs? I knew Rex was an addict, but I couldn’t imagine he had used that much.
“What, you didn’t know? Rex is a pathetic junkie. Don’t let the muscles fool you.”
“Ex-junkie. He’s clean now.”
Tadd laughed even harder, head thrown back. “Is that what he told you?”
“What the fuck do you want, Tadd?”
“Oh my god, he actually told you he’s clean? Rex is a lying junkie shithead.”
“Fuck you, Tadd.”
His face softened. “Aw, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t make Rex shoot up all that shit. I didn’t make Rex boost cars or fight dudes.”
“What do you mean?”
“Rex is Michael’s go to muscle. He used to steal cars for the people, back when he was a skinny shitbird, but now he’s all muscles and tats. And you know he’s still shooting that garbage up to make his jobs go easier. Once a junkie, always a junkie.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to, but it’s true. Rex and his partner used to get into all sorts of shit. You should hear the stories people tell about him. Apparently, he shot up so much heroin that he owes Michael thousands. Michael basically owns his ass now. Rex has to do whatever Michael says, or it’s lights out for him.”
I took a second to absorb everything. I couldn’t believe what Tadd was saying, but there probably was some truth to it. I believed that Rex went into debt over drugs, and I believed that he probably did some bad things in his past. But I didn’t believe he was still using. Nothing about the man I knew suggested that he was anything but clean and trying to get his life together. I knew that Tadd was the sort of human filth to lie about someone for his own gain.
“Rex is clean,” I said quietly.
“He fucking lied to you. Rex is probably holed up in some crack house right now, using as much as he can.”
The image of Rex, his perfectly muscled body and beautiful face, sitting on a dirty crack house floor shooting up jumped into my mind, and I had to take a deep drink to get rid of the thought. I couldn’t listen to a guy like Tadd. Then again, I hadn’t heard from Rex in a few days. I had no clue where he was, what he was doing, and it was true that staying clean was really difficult for an addict. I was torn, and Rex’s silence over the past week did nothing to help me.
“He’s coming to meet me here, asshole.”
“Rex isn’t coming tonight. He’s not even in the city, you idiot. Your boyfriend didn’t tell you that?”
That was my chance. Tadd was contradicting himself, but something about it rang true for me. If Rex was off doing some job in another city, then that might explain why he hadn’t messaged me, and why he wasn’t in the bar that night. If I could convince Tadd that Rex was back in town and coming soon, he might be scared enough to back off.
“He came back early. Why do you think I’m here?” I gave him my best “you-dumb-asshole” look.
That gave Tadd pause. He may have been a disgusting animal, but he was still able to form a coherent thought, even if it took him awhile. I had to be confident and play it just right, otherwise Tadd would see through me, and who knows what he would do then.
“I don’t know about that.”
“Why the fuck would you know about it?” I felt my chance, and
I was taking it. Confidence swelled inside me, and I inwardly steeled myself.
“I think you’re lying.”
“Why would I sit here alone if Rex weren’t coming? Why would I waste my time with dickheads like you?”
I could see the wheels spinning in Tadd’s little pig brain. He wasn’t a genius, but he was still clearly afraid of Rex. I guessed that even if Rex wasn’t in the city, he’d still have something to say to Tadd if he heard Tadd was messing with me. Plus, he probably wasn’t important enough to know exactly where Rex was at all times. Tadd glanced around the bar, and I knew I had him.
“Fine, calm down, touchy bitch. I was just fucking with you,” he said.
I felt elated, my pulse racing hard. “Great jokes. Leave me the fuck alone.”
“Whatever,” he mumbled as he climbed out of his seat. “Tell Rex I said ‘what’s up.’”
“Yeah, I will.”
Tadd gave me one last look then walked back to his table. He rejoined the others and they all laughed loudly at something he said, probably at my expense. I didn’t care, though; I was terrified and shaking, and one second away from passing out. I waited a minute or two then stood up and went into the bathroom.
What a stupid idea. Rex had tried to warn me, he told me he couldn’t always be around to protect me, and he was right. But then again, I had handled Tadd myself. I had to resort to using Rex’s name to do it, but I still found a way. I splashed water on my face, and I felt the tears building in my throat. I wasn’t used to men like Tadd talking to me that way. I wanted to scream and scratch his eyes out, kick him in the balls, and punch him in his pig nose. Instead, I stared at myself in the mirror, and waited until the anger burned itself out and slowly receded into nothing.
After I had calmed down, I went back out into the main room, and took my seat at the bar. I ignored the looks from the people around me, and slowly finished my drink. I kept myself calm and composed. Once I was done, I paid my tab, and slowly walked out of the bar. Once on the street, I walked fast toward the first corner, made a left, and almost jogged out to Broad Street where I caught the first cab I saw.