by Liz Tipping
*
I felt sick at the thought of telling Stubbs how I felt but Liv was right. If I didn’t tell him, then how would I ever know? I’d go round to tell him I had won the cardigan and take things from there. Liv and me were busy in the shop all day, painting a closing down sale sign and selling off some of the stock, and we made a decent day’s money. We gave everyone who came in a flyer and told them about the cinema event and I could feel a bit of a buzz building. We sold ten more tickets that day.
I tried to call Verity a few times but there was no answer. And I tried to get hold of Stubbs too but with no luck, so I made my way to the club at lunchtime but neither of them were about.
I pulled out a stool from behind the bar and tried Stubbs on my phone again. No answer. I breathed out for ages. There was something weird about this. Why hadn’t I heard from him yesterday? We’d spent the entire day together and now he was blanking me.
There was no sign of Stubbs in the club.
“Is Stubbs in the bingo hall?” I asked Kelly behind the bar.
“He’s gone out, I think?”
“Oh,” I said, feeling disappointed. Where had Stubbs gone out to? I wondered.
Divvy was in the club and ordered a bottle of Beck’s Blue. Me and Kelly looked at each other and back at Divvy. Neither of us could believe he had ordered a non-alcoholic beer. I looked at him differently now after our chat, and he didn’t look to be in such a state or as scruffy as he usually did.
“You know this is alcohol free don’t you?” Kelly asked, slowly opening his bottle and placing it on the bar tentatively.
“Yeah, just stopping in for a quick one. Stubbs not in?” he said.
“No,” said Kelly.
Divvy sipped his bottle. He hardly moved his head but his eyes shifted towards us as he noticed we were staring at him.
“What can I get you?” Kelly asked.
“I’ll have a large white, please,” I said.
Divvy went over to the jukebox.
“What’s up with him?” asked Kelly. “He’s stone-cold sober!”
“I know, right?” I said. “This is weird.” We watched him walk back over from the jukebox. “No Oasis today, Divvy?” I asked.
“Do you mind calling me Dave – like you did before?” Divvy asked.
“No, I don’t mind,” I said. “Dave. Of course I can call you Dave, Dave. Dave it is.” Then I said Dave a few more times to try and burn it into my memory.
I waited around a while to see if Stubbs showed up, but he didn’t. I tried Verity a few times on the phone, but still no answer, so I went back to the shop where me and Liv worked on getting the word out about the event on every social media platform we could and contacting the various council departments making sure we were allowed to run the event.
By home time, I still couldn’t get hold of Stubbs or Verity. Verity wasn’t answering her phone and I couldn’t get hold of her on Facebook or her landline. It wasn’t that unusual because a child had often flushed her mobile down the loo and there was also the time one of them used a laptop for sledging so I walked round to see if she was in. At the door, I noticed how unusually quiet it was. I couldn’t hear any screams or Peppa Pig blaring from the television and assumed the kids must be with their dad. I knocked. Then I remembered that she said her mum and dad were having the kids for her, so maybe she was just taking advantage of the time alone and had unplugged the phone and all the rest of it. That must be what it was; she was probably just having a nice bit of peace and quiet.
However, I wasn’t prepared to let that continue. “Verity!” I shouted through the letterbox.
I stepped back from the front door and tried to see through the frosted glass. I looked up to see Verity’s curtains move at the upstairs window so I ran back round to the door to shout through the letterbox.
“Verity, will you let me in, for God’s sake?”
Through the glass in the door, I could now see movement and then I could make out Verity’s shape coming down the stairs.
The door opened slightly with the chain on and I saw a rather dishevelled Verity, with her hair all over the place. She was wearing a dressing gown, and her make-up was messed up.
“Erm, where have you been?” I demanded.
“I was just having a lie-in.” Then she did a pretend yawn and mini stretch. I could tell she was up to something. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the shape of something move quickly across the landing.
“What was that?” I said.
“The dog. Probably, my dog,” she said, looking a bit twitchy.
“You haven’t got a bloody dog!” I said, trying to step past her.
“Then it’s a cat?” she said, clutching at cat-shaped straws. I was so confused. Verity had never behaved like this with me.
“Come off it, Verity, what are you up to?” I tried again to step past, but she wasn’t letting me, holding her hands out and covering the door hold. I tried to go under her arm.
It all made perfect sense now. That’s why she wasn’t around and neither was Stubbs. I couldn’t believe this was going on with my two best friends.
“Stop shoving, Cara. You’ll break the bloody lock.”
“I know what you’re up to,” I shouted, feeling slightly hysterical. All the questions she asked me at shopping, her constant questioning about whether she thought there would be any chance of me and Stubbs getting together. She was putting out feelers for herself. Because she wanted to be with Stubbs. I wondered how long it had been going on. Weeks? Months? Ever since Stubbs got back?
“Oh okay, just hang on a minute, will you?” She closed the door and undid the chain before opening the door wide. She looked resigned, head tilted to one side. “Coming in then?” She indicated the living room with her hand.
I went in and sat on the sofa. There were two wine glasses on the table, two plates, and discarded cushions on the floor. I felt sick.
“So…looks like the game is well and truly up,” she said, which made me furious. I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.
“How long has it been going on then?” I asked.
“Just a few days really, a week or so,” she said, exasperated and shoving her hands into her dressing gown.
I nodded. “A few days,” I repeated. I thought about mine and Stubbs’s day at the seaside and how I’d gushed about it.
“I don’t see why you are so upset about it, Cara. I like him; he likes me. Look, I would have told you but you were so busy with this ball and Daniel Rose and your cardigan and everything.” She trailed off to a whisper. “Plus, I just wanted to spend some time with him before I told you.”
I heard creaking floorboards upstairs from Verity’s bedroom and I was crushed knowing Stubbs was up there.
“Don’t you think it would have been nice for you both to tell me?” I said. “When were you going to tell me?”
“I don’t know, later on today, probably. Hey, we might go to the party together – how mad is that?” said Verity, shrugging. “It’s no biggie, is it?” I couldn’t believe she was being so flippant.
“Oh no. No, no, no. Of course it isn’t.” I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was pacing around and started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I felt such an idiot, starting to have these feelings for Stubbs and now I felt like my two best friends had been laughing at me behind my back. I stopped pacing at Verity’s sofa and slumped down in it.
“Cara, why are you crying? Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a tiny little bit?” I could tell by her face she really believed I was not entitled to be upset at all. She found my reaction perplexing.
“Overreacting?” I said. “You’ve got to be joking haven’t you? My two best friends.” I heard him coming down the stairs and my stomach flipped. I honestly thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t want him to see me crying, so I put my hands to my face. Then I had an urge to run out of there. If I saw him here, it would be real. I got up too quick, which made me dizzy, and I made a dash for the door so
I didn’t have to see him; but just as I made it to the door, he was turning the corner at the bottom of the stairs and I banged straight into him.
“Hello, you, found us out then, have you?”
I looked up and it took me a second or two to realise what was happening.
“Divvy?” I said.
“Or you know, call me Dave, like you did before,” he answered.
“Oh. Oh. Yes,” I said. I breathed out slowly. “It’s you. Divvy!” I pointed at Divvy with my left hand. “You. With Verity.” I pointed at Verity with my right hand. “It’s Dave you were with.” Now it really did make sense.
Divvy looked at me like I’d gone mental.
I crossed my pointing fingers over so the left pointed at Verity and the right at Divvy. “You two. The two of you together. You two have been having sex with each other.” I swapped hands again and laughed for a good few minutes until I was bent double and had to prop myself up by holding the back of a chair. This was just too hysterical.
“Oh thank God. I was so upset because I thought you were with Stubbs.”
“You thought I was going out with Stubbs?” asked Verity, irritated that I found all of this so amusing.
“Yeah, I thought you were here with Stubbs.” I was laughing and pretty sure I sounded like a maniac.
I slapped her on the arm, still laughing and jokingly shadow-boxed Divvy and said, “You guys. Having all the sex together. Wow.”
I could barely get my words out I was laughing so much.
“I was angry because I didn’t know where you were and then I was really cross with you for being with Stubbs because I think I am in love with Stubbs.” I had one more maniacal laugh and then I realised what I had said. Somehow the words had come out before they had registered in my brain that they were going to leave my mouth.
I straightened myself up and was no longer laughing.
“I’m in love with Stubbs,” I said to Verity. I grabbed her by both arms. “Verity, did you hear me? I’m in love with Stubbs.”
Judging by the look on Verity’s face, she wasn’t as surprised as me.
“Yeah,” she said, smiling. “I know.”
“You do? How long have you known?”
“For ever?”
I checked with Divvy for validation. He nodded.
“Yeah, ’bout bloody time. You better get round there then,” said Divvy.
“Okay then,” I said. “Well, it looks like I have somewhere to be. I’ll get out of your hair. Verity, thanks for having sex with Divvy and not Stubbs. And you too, Divvy. Dave, I mean. Look, both of you, thanks very much for having sex with each other and not Stubbs. Really. Thanks a lot. Erm…carry on with it, whatever it is you were doing.”
“You’re welcome?” said Divvy, looking more confused than ever.
“I better go. Because I’m in love with Stubbs.” I said it again just because it sounded so good. “I’m in love with Stubbs.”
I walked along the road, resisting the compulsion to swing around lamp posts and tell strangers “I am in love with Stubbs.”
I hadn’t worked out exactly what I was going to say to him but I ran through a few scenarios in my head on the way. In some of them I said, “I love you.” And he said, “I love you too.” Or sometimes he said, “I know, I feel the same.” In some of them he told me he loved me first and I nodded and threw my arms round his neck but in every single one of them there was always kissing, lots and lots and lots of kissing. It was too early for the pub to open, so I went around to the fire escape at the back and made my way up the stairs to Stubbs’s kitchen door. I rehearsed a few “I love yous” and a few “I knows” just to be on the safe side.
I half bounded up the fire escape stairs to Stubbs’s door and I saw him at the kitchen window. He beamed when he saw me and dashed to the door. It was almost as though he knew I had something urgent to tell him. He opened the door and he raised his eyebrows and was grinning like a loon.
“Cara,” he said, pretending to be formal and looking smug and grinning. He was such a git. I bet he knew all along what I was going to say to him. I couldn’t help but mirror his grin.
“I…” I began and then faltered. “I just wanted to say…”
“Come on then spit it out, Dunham.” He checked behind him briefly, which threw me so I began again.
“I…I just wanted to say that I think…no I don’t think. I know. I wanted to tell you that I know…”
He looked behind him again and then turned back and said, “Come on then, spit it out.”
“Are you busy or something?” I said, feeling a bit irked that he wasn’t really listening, and that’s when I saw her. She was filling the kettle at the sink, wearing Stubbs’s favourite Soundgarden T-shirt and not a lot else. There she was, April, looking effortlessly, effortlessly cool.
I knew I could hear Stubbs shouting after me even though it felt like my ears didn’t work, just that I was numb. I walked down the stairs and through the passageway out onto the High Street. I wanted to get away from this, from all of this. I didn’t feel anything at all, but the tears didn’t stop flowing.
It started to rain and when I turned onto the High Street the wind whipped me in the face, until it was stinging along with my eyes. I suddenly became aware of a tension in my shoulders and I realised my fists were clenched. I had pictured Stubbs being with April many times over the last few days but seeing it for real had devastated me. I was furious with Stubbs and furious with April and worst of all furious with myself. I hadn’t even told Stubbs and yet I felt humiliated anyway. How could I have been so stupid?
The tears falling down my face were now accompanied by big shaking sobs that left me short of breath and made it obvious to everyone I passed in the High Street that I was crying. I paused and turned away and looked in a shop window and took a few breaths. It was a card shop with a big bear in the window and one of those indecently oversized cards that said “Best Boyfriend in the world” on it in ostentatious gold lettering. I imagined April buying it for Stubbs and me being there while she presented it to him. She’d do it in the club with everyone looking and Stubbs would blush and say, “That’s my girl,” and he’d kiss her. April would look at me and give me that look. She’d be so smug with her cool clothes and her shiny hair.
I realised I’d been running through this and a million other scenarios when I didn’t want to torture myself any longer so I turned from the window to carry on along the High Street to go home.
That’s when I saw him.
It took a few seconds to register it was him. He was just stood there in the entrance of the shop. He must have been stood there for a while and I wondered how long he had been staring at me.
Daniel Rose.
Chapter Sixteen
Of all the years I had wanted to see him again, to get his attention, now wasn’t the best time. I stood frozen to the spot, looking right at him for a while. Taking him all in. He looked older. I mean, obviously, I knew he would be older and I’d Facebook-stalked him more than enough. I wasn’t expecting him to look exactly like he looked all those years ago, but he looked older than me and Verity. And Stubbs.
His hair was much shorter now and he was greying a little round the temples and quite crinkly around the eyes. But those eyes, they were still Judd Nelson beautiful, huge and brown framed with dark eyelashes. For a second I was sixteen again and completely mesmerised by him.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I toyed with the idea of pretending I didn’t recognise him, but quickly filed that idea with my running-away plan.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he said.
“I live here,” I said, feeling frustrated, then feeling like a complete and utter idiot. I wiped away a tear from my eyes, hoping he’d think I was just soggy.
He laughed. “I know, I was just making conversation.”
I wondered if he had much idea who I was. Sure, he might have recognised me, but did he even know my name? I wondered. I studied what he was wearing
.
“Are you off to the ball on Saturday?” he said. He raised his eyebrows in anticipation of an answer. As he noticed I was wiping my eyes he paused for a second and added, “Look, are you okay? Do you want to go and get a coffee or something?” and he motioned with his thumb to the Costa Coffee.
I didn’t much want to go for a coffee as it happened, what I wanted to do was go home and cry for a bit. Or a lot, but I found myself nodding.
I didn’t say much to him as we walked through the busy coffee shop to the counter. He suggested I get a seat and I found us a spot in the window. A table with a giant comfy armchair and the other seat was a hard wooden chair like the kind you used to get in school. I spent a little while deliberating over which chair I should take. I decided I didn’t want the school chair and to be towering over him like he was the guest on my chat show, and besides I was knackered from all the running around I had been doing, so I slumped in the comfy chair.
Daniel brought the drinks over.
At first, he didn’t say anything. I initially thought he was trying the mean and moody stuff and I considered whether that made him really cool or incredibly cool but I wondered a bit if he was nervous.
“So…” he said. “What have you been up to for the last how many years? How long is it now?”
I just made a kind of shruggy movement as I took off my coat. What have I been up to? I thought. Well up until a few moments ago I was considering that my whole life was leading up to the possibility that I might get to spend the rest of my life with Stubbs but it appears not, so now I am sat here with you. But I didn’t say that. Instead I said, “Oh, you know – this and that. I’m starting up an outdoor film company,” and I tried to smile cheerily. Here was me telling Daniel about my cool job. He looked impressed. I wondered if Daniel thought it was cool, if he thought I was cool.
I wanted to neck my coffee and leave as soon as possible but it was boiling and they’d given it to me in an insulated takeaway cup. I ran my nails along the corrugated cardboard.